


a deal with the devil(a bellarke story)

by Ailar_ES



Series: The100 [1]
Category: the100
Genre: Bellake, Bellamy&Clarke, Bellamy&Raven, Bellamyblake/Clarkegriffin, Bellarke, Clarke&Raven, College, F/F, Fandom, M/M, Other, The100Fandom, TheHundred, bellamy/clarke - Freeform, highschool, the100 - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-08-28 04:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 105,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8432569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ailar_ES/pseuds/Ailar_ES
Summary: He let out a frustratedgroan. "One day," hesaid, "one day you'llrealize you're taking mefor granted. And you’llfall helplessly in lovewith me.""I highly doubt that." Ilooked out the window.That would neverhappen, I kept tellingmyself, it would neverhappen.************************************************When Clarke griffen wasdumped by her bestfriend-slash-boyfriend,Ryder, she wasdevastated. Convincedthat her whole lifecame tumbling down,she promised that shewould definitely getback at him, seekingnothing but revenge.She abandoned herglasses andsweatshirts,determined to makeRyder regret everdumping her. What shewants: Revenge. Howshe’s planning to get it:By going out with theschool’s biggest player;the person her ex-boyfriend loathes themost—Bellamy Blake





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please give it a shot
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> Please Please Please READ THIS STORY AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OKAY?

Only when I pulled into the school parking lot did I feel the heaviness settle in my gut. I turned the engine off, but I couldn't quite make myself move. 

 

I let my eyes sweep over the students walking towards the cream-colored building, laughing and hugging as they filled each other on how their summer had gone. I looked away, fixing my gaze on the steering wheel instead. Inhale. Exhale. I could do this. I had to do this. The feeling of unease in the pit of my stomach hadn't yet subsided, but if I didn't want to miss first period, I knew I had to get going, so I pushed the car door open and climbed out. I wove into the crowd, trying to ignore their conversations as they exchanged I miss you's and how are you's, and for a moment, I almost wanted to go back to my car and drive home.

 

I wanted to give up and admit I couldn't face this year without him, because how could I, when he was the one who always made sure I wouldn't stumble? But I knew I couldn't do that. I had to be strong. So I bit the inside of my cheeks, forcing myself to ignore everything that reminded me of how alone I was, and focused on taking one step after the other.

 

There was no room for weakness. So I kept going. --- "Is this seat taken?" My mouth automatically opened to answer yes, as I usually saved it for Raven, but I caught myself before the word came out. I looked up to see who it was. Unfairly straight teeth, unruly sandy brown hair, bright blue eyes and the confidence of someone who knew exactly how well his features looked together. I bit back a curse. He didn't wait for an answer. 

 

With a wide smile directed at me, the one and only Bellamy Blake dropped his black backpack on the floor and took the seat. I forced myself to look away, trying to fight the urge to stand up to take a different seat across the room.

 

I didn't like Bellamy and neither did Ryder. Granted, Ryder never really told me about it out loud, but I knew him enough to feel his disdain whenever we crossed paths with Bellamy by accident His shoulders would stiffen, his hands would clench into fists, his eyes would harden to show an emotion that resembled disgust. It wasn't exactly difficult to see why Ryder was wary of him

 

Bellamy Blake had a reputation for sleeping around. He could sleep with anyone willing enough to do it with no strings attached. Sure, I'd only heard stories and rumors and while was no guarantee that they could be true, I'd always been cautious of him. "Hey." Instinctively, I turned to him

His lips were pulled into a small smile and his eyes regarded me with a coolness that made it seem as though we'd known each other for years. "Think I could borrow a pen? I kind of forgot to bring mine." I knew I wasn't exactly fond of him, but it wasn't like I needed two pens, so I found myself reaching into my bag for the extra pen I carried around. I held it out to him, holding it at the very tip to keep our fingers from accidentally brushing.

He reached for it, sending me another smile that showcased his perfect teeth. "Thanks." "It's fine," I replied, not quite looking at him.

I was glad when the bell rang, prompting the others to scramble into their seats as the teacher strode in. The others shut up immediately, and any normal person would have taken it as a signal that the conversation was over.

But not him.

He, for some reason, chose this as the moment to lean closer and say, "I'm Bellamy, by the way." There was a confidence in his voice that irked me, and with as much indifference as I could muster, I said, "I know." There was a pause, and I figured he must have already gotten the idea and decided to back off.

 

The teacher-Mr. Harry Lowenstein, as the bold black letters on the whiteboard suggested-cleared his throat and began to speak. "You were supposed to tell me your name, too." I froze, surprised, and in spite of myself, I couldn't help but turn to him with a raised eyebrow. 

 

"I was supposed to?" I didn't really mean to sound haughty, but only when the words spilled out did I realize I probably came off the way. When I looked at him, however, I found his lips curling into an amused smile. "If you wanted to be polite," he said, "then yes." "If you wanted to be polite," I shot back, "then you wouldn't be talking to your seatmate while the teacher is speaking."

He let out a low whistle, as though my response had surprised him-impressed him, even, if the slightly appreciative smile on his face was any indication. I fought the urge to smirk as I averted my gaze and focused my attention on Mr. Lowenstein, but I couldn't help it.

Two months ago, I would have struggled to stammer out a response. I would have stuttered, unable to meet his confident gaze. I never would have gotten the last word.

But I was no longer the same girl I was back then; the girl who felt as though her world revolved around Ryder

That naïve, stupid girl was long gone now. --- Life comes in different varieties of either-or situations.  
you win or someone else does, either you're right or someone else is, either you let yourself feel miserable or you do something to get out of your misery.

Which was why, two weeks after the breakup, I decided I was done crying.

I had been replaying the night of the breakup in my head, again and again and again, almost involuntarily, until the initial sadness wore off to give way to anger; the anger that had been buried in those residual feelings I couldn't fully get rid of.

And I decided I was done with him.

I got a job at a local boutique in the shopping district to keep myself busy, hoping it would get my mind off him.

The owner was this middle-aged woman who alwayswore at least one pink piece of clothing or accessory whenever she came to check on her shop.

It was small, so she only ever had one employee, but the girl had to go to this integration camp for the summer and decided to bail out on her at the last minute, so while I hardly looked like the kind of person who would work at a clothing store, she hired me.

She and I never really talked about non-work-related stuff, but one Friday, she suddenly said, "You know, everyone feels better when they look better." I was stunned, but she just shrugged and pulled a dress from one of the racks. She put it on the counter in front of me. "This will suit you." "I-I don't-" "Trust me," she said, "this will make even heartbreak look good on you." The whole exchange had been so surprising I couldn't even stammer out a reply

 

I didn't think she was waiting for one though, because before I could even react, she was already heading to the storage room to check the inventory.

It was only when I was already on my way home that I realized I never actually told her about the breakup, and it wasn't like we saw each other that often for her to notice, yet she still found out.

It was that obvious.

So I changed, reluctantly at first, but by the end of the summer, my ratty shirts had been shoved to the bottom of my closet, my feet had grown accustomed to wearing heels of any kind and I had switched my eyeglasses with contacts.

It made me feel like I had my shit together, that I wasn't so pathetic, and naturally, I wanted to change more. I wanted to be someone else completely-someone who didn't need Ryder; someone who would have the guts to do things I never would have done back then.

So I forced my best friend Raven to go to a party with me. I couldn't exactly blame her for not wanting to, considering that even I had my reservations about going to parties, but I felt as though I needed to.

Convincing her hadn't been easy, but she must have sensed my desperation because she eventually agreed.

She didn't, however, let me dress her up, so when we got there, her discomfort had been more obvious than mine. I was fairly uncomfortable for me, too. I wasn't used to the crowd or the smell of booze and sweat, nor did I know what, exactly, we should be doing there, but I refused to leave right away.

To me, it felt as though the party was something I needed to go through for the "change" to be complete; that it was the final step to prove that I was no longer the pathetic girl who couldn't even look into a guy's eyes. I saw it as a rite of passage of some sort, and if I walked away and left, I might as well have thrown away all my past attempts at fixing myself

I pulled Raven by the hand to get through the throng of people, leading her through the countless couples making out, and though I felt her tugging me back when she realized I was heading for the keg, I merely shrugged her off.

It was the first time I ever drank beer.

 

It tasted awful, but I forced myself to finish it to pour myself another cup.

It was obvious Raven was unhappy, but she hadn't argued. She just kept complaining about everything: the music, the smell, the number of people who had tried to feel her up, and I was growing irritated. "I'm just saying," she said, "that there's really no need for-" "If you want to leave that badly, then go the fuck away," I snapped.

I was growing tipsy then, and I hadn't cared even when hurt registered across her face. I hadn't cared when she, too, became angry. I hadn't cared when she left the party to leave me alone.

All I wanted was to get through the night and forget about everything else.

I wasn't sure how much time had passed when I decided to leave, stumbling out of the house to head to my car. I swore, pissed and dizzy, when I couldn't find the keys in my purse. I kept digging through it, checking all of the pockets, as I struggled to keep myself upright, but they were gone.

I cursed again, and when I looked up, I came to an abrupt halt.

It was as though someone dumped cold water all over me, washing away all drunken thoughts to give way to the only one that ever really mattered. "Ryder" I said, sounding more surprised than anything.

He was leaning against the hood of my car, his arms crossed over his chest. It was dark, but the orange glow from the streetlight a few feet to my right was enough to let me see the look on his face when he saw me.

He ran his gaze over my short black dress, his eyes hardening as he looked me in the eye. "Is there some sort of fabric shortage that I wasn't aware of?" I straightened, taking a step back when I nearly lost my balance. 

 

"What are you doing here?" He pushed himself off the car. "Get in." Seeing him felt so surreal, so unreal, that I had to wonder if his image-his tall, easy posture, his dark brown hair, which had grown longer over the two months we hardly saw each other, and the simple Beatles T-shirt he had on-was simply a product of my non-sobriety.

But then he unlocked my car, and even in my dulled state, I felt anger building up in my chest. "Why do you have my keys?" 

 

"Raven dropped by," he said, pulling the passenger door open. "You're not driving like that." "I'm fine," I said, keeping my voice as firm as I could. I crossed my arms over my chest, forcing my resolve to harden as I stared him down. "I can manage on my own." "You're going to get yourself killed," he said, looking at me with the same determination. "Just get in the car, clarke." I didn't.

I turned away, ignoring his calls for me to stop as I walked all the way back to the party. I didn't care about my car or my keys or him. All I knew was that I had to get away, to put as much distance as I could between him and me because if I stayed there any longer, I was afraid all my walls would break down; that his mere pull on me would have me unraveling in front of him.

I needed to escape.

He could do whatever he wanted, I told myself. I wouldn't care.

Half an hour and a few shots of some drink a couple of guys found in a cupboard later, I found curling up in the couch to sleep.

Around me, the party continued, but I didn't care about the noise or the smell or the stranger tugging at my waist with an intoxicated laugh. I didn't care when he pulled me to his lap, raining kisses down the side of my neck as his hands began to roam my body.

I was too exhausted to care.

When I woke up the next morning, I was already home, tucked into my bed, almost as though the whole party last night had only been a dream.

Only the steady pounding in my head told me otherwise.

When I threw the blankets off me, I realized I was wearing a Beatles shirt over my dress.

I was already depositing some things in my new locker when I heard my name.

At first, an irrational of me thought it was Ryder, but I immediately chastised myself for even thinking about him in the first place. I looked up, searching for the voice, just as Bellamy Blake emerged from the crowd of students milling around their lockers. "You do know my name" I said.

One corner of his mouth rose into a small smile. "I saw the name on your binder, Griffen"

I paused for a second, studying the look on his face, before finally saying, "What do you need?"

"This." He held out his hand, his fingers curled around the pen I lent him. "I forgot to give it back." "Don't you need it for the rest of the day?" I asked without thinking. "Well, I can always borrow from someone else." I didn't reach for it. Instead, I closed my locker and turned to look at him. He was taller than me, so I had to look up to level my eyes with his. "You can keep it," I said. "It's not like I need it." I was starting to turn away, but then he said, "How about I buy you dinner as my thanks?" To say I was surprised would have been an understatement. I stopped, unable to immediately process his question, half-wondering if I had heard him right.

If he had been any other guy, I probably would have seriously considered the question, but it wasn't.

This was Bellamy blake and it wasn't exactly hard to guess where "dinner" with him would probably lead to. And maybe it was unfair of me to judge him so quickly, but either way, I couldn't exactly picture him going on second dates. Not when he usually got what he wanted on the first one.

So finally, I said, "It's just a pen, Blake. I don't think that's necessary." Slowly, the smile slid off his face. "No?" I shrugged, trying not to show how satisfied I was for throwing him off. I turned to walk away, but I had barely taken three steps when he recovered. "Aren't you quite the heartbreaker?" 

 

I stopped, fighting the urge to point out how ironic his question was. I looked over my shoulder to catch his eyes. "That, sweetheart, is the understatement of the century." One corner of his lips lifted to a lopsided half smile. "Ain't that right."


	2. Chapter 2

I thought I'd been lucky enough not to bump into Ryder or Raven for the rest of the day, but the moment I walked into my AP History class, I knew my luck had run out.

Ryder who was seated on the seat I would have usually claimed mine-on the third row right by the window-looked up and caught me looking. I held his gaze for a moment, feeling my anger rising at the nothing but the sight of him and the unreadable expression on his face, before pointedly looking away and taking a seat at the back of the classroom.

He was a year ahead of me, but I'd always shared at least one of my advanced classes with him, and this was the first time I found myself wishing I didn't have to.

Our teacher Mr. Callahan was this balding old teacher who insisted on wearing tweed jackets (that were probably as old as he was) everyday no matter what the season was. While he was a good teacher-he didn't even carry around books for he knew his lessons by heart-it was pretty hard to take him seriously.

I got him for History last year, so I knew what to expect of him.

I didn't, however, expect him to say, "For this class, all given activities will be done by pairs for the whole school year, unless stated otherwise." He lifted his clipboard and put on his reading glasses, clearing his throat to announce the pairings.

To be honest, I knew I should have known that fate would pair me up with Ryder, but when Mr. Callahan read our names out, confirming that life indeed had an immense hatred for me, I still found myself wishing I heard him wrong.

Mr. Callahan told us to switch seats so we could sit next to our "buddies." Half the class stood up, filling the room with the sound of chairs grinding irritably against the floor, as everyone shuffled to their new seats.

From his seat, Ryder turned to look at me, but I didn't make any motion to leave my seat. The girl seated next to me stood up to sit elsewhere and Ryder must have taken this as his cue to stand up, grab his bag, and walk over to me.

I deliberately did my best not to look at him and neither did he acknowledge me

 

The air between us felt heavy; tense, and the silence only seemed to magnify the anger I felt. I could smell his cologne; the one I helped him buy four months ago, and something in my stomach clenched at the familiarity of the scent, bringing back memories of me burying my face on his chest as he engulfed me into a hug; of me leaning on his shoulder as we watched another How I Met Your Mother rerun; of him forcing me to wear his sweater even though he, too, was shivering.

As we sat there, together but not together, I found myself cursing him, not just for leaving me, but also for leaving these memories behind, stuck on repeat in my mind, reminding me that the only thing left of us were these fading images of what used to be and this unbridgeable distance between us. 

 

\--- The first thing I saw the moment I walked out of the classroom was Ryder, leaning against the wall by the door. For a moment, we held each other's gaze, making me stop dead on my tracks. I couldn't make my legs move even if I wanted to. "Hey," he said.

Quickly, I looked away. I couldn't let him see me waver. "What do you want?" He didn't reply right away.

My head was spinning with all the things I wanted to tell him, right there, right then, that could have made it better, but I clamped my mouth shut and stayed silent.

When the pause was long enough to make me feel like I could no longer take another breath without breaking apart, I shifted. "If you have nothing to say," I said, "then I'm going." I took a step past him, careful not to touch him. Before I could walk away, however, I felt his hand on the crook my elbow, making me stop in place as the warmth of his fingers spread like wildfire across my skin. I turned to him, trying to keep my breathing steady.

 

His gaze was hooded, trained solely on the floor, and his dark brown hair fell across his forehead. "Raven is worried about you." His voice was quiet, but even amidst the usual noise filling the hallway, I could hear him clearly. "When was the last time you talked to her?" I swallowed, forcing my voice to stay firm.

 

I pulled my arm from his grip and realized, just then, that his hold on me was never really strong enough to keep me rooted to him It was like he never really had any intentions of keeping me around in the first place. 

********************

"Hey, it's you." I paused. I already knew whose voice this belonged to. Sure enough, the sight of Bellamy Blake walking across the parking lot greeted me when I looked up.

I was still slightly shaken from my conversation with Ryder-the first one we've had in a long time-and I felt exhausted, as though it had drained me completely, and all I wanted was to go back home and crawl into bed. I wasn't exactly in the mood for a conversation, so I simply sent him a small nod. 

 

He began to walk closer, making me freeze and wonder what he wanted, only to realize that he wasn't exactly headed my way and was instead about to go to the car parked next to mine. I heard the unmistakable jangle of keys and finally realized that we had probably parked next to each other. "I didn't see you at lunch today," he said just as I successfully unlocked my car door. I paused and turned to look at him. 

 

"You were looking for me?" He tilted his head to the side, as though he was studying me. "Maybe." If he had been feeling anything about the rejection (for lack of a better term) this morning, he showed no signs of it.   
He just stood there leaning against his car, arms folded on the roof of his car as he regarded me with his ever-amused smile. 

 

There was something about him that made me feel uncomfortable; something that kept getting in the way of me actually believing in him. It was like everything about him seemed practiced-that slight tilt of his head, the one-cornered smile, the confident yet relaxed posture

 

It all him seemed so rehearsed. So I didn't say anything.   
I just looked away and slid into the driver's seat. Before I could pull the door close, however, he said, "Are you coming to Jordan Smith's party Friday night?" I paused, long enough to study him. There was no hesitation in his voice and the smile on his lips was nothing short of confident.

 

It was like he wasn't worried of getting rejected again and I was reminded of how different he was from Ryder.

Ryder had been so nervous when he first asked me out. His cheeks had been tinted the same shade of red as the single long-stemmed rose he'd given me. He stumbled on his words, as though he was unable to string words together to form a coherent sentence, and he couldn't quite look me in the eye. It was a far cry from the way Bellamy was acting now.

Bellamy Blake had barely even blinked. He kept his blue eyes on me, waiting for my reply, and I couldn't help but put my guard up. "I'll think about it," I lied as I pulled the door shut. I started the engine, determined to leave as soon as I could.

 

It gave a slight whine-it wasn't exactly very new-before coming to life with a steady rumble.   
I snuck one last look at Bellamy who, just like earlier, had simply looked amused, reminding me, once again, that asking girls out was nothing but a game to people like Bellamy Blake. 

 

And I refused to be played by him. --- Before heading home, I decided to drop by at the grocery store to buy some fruits and yogurt. It was slightly out of the way, but it wasn't that far from here so I figured I might as well go.

 

I was still getting used to the silence in the car, feeling as though it was too big for just me without Raven sitting on the passenger seat, feet propped up on her seat as she answered a crossword puzzle.

She loved solving puzzles, and while I'd like to believe that I was smart, Raven was a genius. She was part of the Mathletes and she had been tutoring a lot of students on all subjects. All except Literature. It wasn't that she was bad at it-she still consistently managed to get A's-but she claimed she wasn't confident enough to teach the subject.

 

"It's just so complicated," Raven had told me once, "how we all have different interpretations of literary works. I prefer working on facts and proofs and solutions." I could see her point, of course, but that didn't mean I shared her opinion. 

 

I, for one, loved literature. I liked how people all see something differently with each piece, and there's really no way for us to tell which one was right.

 

It was the possibility that you might be right that mattered; the chance that, for once, we can have answers that don't depend on predetermined rules. "Clarke?" My thoughts came to an abrupt halt. My grip on the plain yogurt I'd just picked up tightened. Carefully, I placed the container in my pushcart. I took a deep breath and turned around. "Clarke,"Raven repeated with a hint of surprise, as though she hadn't been sure it was me earlier. Raven had always been pretty-the kind of pretty that seemed suited to be painted or dressed up as an angel with her Brown-colored hair and delicately shaped face.

She always wore her face plain, free of makeup, and she usually gathered her hair up with a pen, but even then, there was no denying that she was attractive. We've known each other for two years now. We instantly became best friends the moment we got paired up with a Science project freshman year and while some people said it was natural to have arguments with your best friend, we've never really argued. Not until a week ago.

It was the morning after the party and the memory came to me in sharp images-her, dropping by to check on me and me lashing out at her for leaving me behind, and, worse, calling Ryder for help. 

 

I felt hurt-betrayed, even-that she hadn't taken me into consideration; that she didn't know me well enough to realize the last person I needed help from was Ryder.

And she had chosen to defend him. And that was what made the betrayal feel even more real-the fact that she had taken his side. She stormed off, the two of us parting with tears still staining our cheeks, the verbal jabs we aimed at each other still stinging long after the door was slammed shut.

Later the same day, Raven tried to call me multiple times, apologizing, trying to fix it, to fix us, but I let them all go to voice mail. Now, she was looking up at me, her hazel eyes filled with conflicting emotions.

 

She opened her mouth to speak, but froze, like she wasn't sure where to start.

I waited. Finally, she said, "You're not answering my calls, or my texts, or my e-mails." "Maybe you should try calling Ryder for help instead.

 

Tell him you can't contact me." I pretended to think about it, letting my eyes drift upward before looking back into her wavering stare. "Oh, wait, you already did." She recoiled, taking a small step back. "Let's talk. Please." "So you could tell me you think I'm stupid?" I struggled to keep my voice steady, trying to stop it from rising or breaking. 

 

"That you think I shouldn't go out to have some fun and-what? That I should lock myself up in my room and cry over that bastard instead?" 

 

Shaking her head, she said, "You don't understand-" "I'm the one who doesn't understand?" My voice rose slightly, loud enough to make some people from the other aisle turn to us.   
I took in a deep breath and looked away, forcing myself to calm down when calming the fuck down was the last thing I wanted to do.

 

"Let's talk," she repeated. This time, her voice was more pleading, but I didn't care. I didn't have to care. 

 

Instead, I turned, telling her I had nothing to say to her, and walked away with my pushcart. One of its wheels wasn't properly aligned, and it was difficult to maneuver it through the grocery shop, but I willed it to keep moving, to keep going, despite the broken, misaligned part that kept slowing the whole thing down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was It did You guys Like it??????
> 
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> 
> sorry for the grammatical mistakes 
> 
> If You liked it let me know:))))
> 
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> 
> Do You ship Clarke and Ryder????*Smirks*


	3. Chapter 3

The last time Ryder and I met before the breakup was when I dropped by at his house. His dad was at work and I decided to help him study for his SATs. We've never really openly talked about the prospect of him moving away for college, but it hung over us like a heavy blanket.

Ryder had his eyes set on Boston College for a degree in Biology. That was a long way from home, but while the idea of him leaving had always been terrifying, I figured that if it was the two of us, we could figure things out. It was the beginning of summer and already, tourists were beginning to fill the streets. My house was on the neighborhood farthest from the ocean so we hardly ever really felt the tourist rush, but when we got to the town proper closer to the beach, we would see them, all ready to spend their vacations under the sun, booking rooms in the small inns or hotels across town, renting life vests and floaters and availing surfing lessons for beginners.

To them, Rivermount must have been this picture perfect place where they could spend their Best Summer Ever! away from the looming skyscrapers and wide eight-lane roads. To me, however, Rivermount had only ever been the only home I knew: a catalogue that featured the coffee shop Raven and I loved; the diner where Ryder had taken me out on our first date as a couple; the used books store I often frequented-and the catalogue always involved Raven and Ryder, so I couldn't picture life without him here. His father's pickup truck was nowhere in sight when I got there. I knew where their spare key was-under the flower pot next to the gnome-but I still rang the doorbell. It didn't take a while for him to open the door. I hadn't told him that I was coming over, and once he saw me, I was glad to see his face morph into an expression of pleasant surprise. "Hey, you," he said, almost automatically grinning as he held out his hands and wrapped me in a hug. When we both pulled away, I raised the plastic bag I held in one hand. "I brought ice cream." He gave me an appreciative look, eyebrows raised (because he could never raise just one of them) and mouth tilted into a close-lipped smile. "You know me too well."

 

We made our way inside the house, straight to the kitchen so we can eat before the ice cream melted. I asked him how the studying was going, to which he replied with a scowl and a slight shake of his head. I laughed. We grabbed a spoon each and made our way to the backyard, sitting on the long wooden bench his father bought on impulse from a garage sale.

He was in the middle of telling me things he read and heard about Boston when he suddenly stopped. "Hey," he suddenly said. "What's wrong?" "Nothing." He set his spoon down, turning to face me completely. His brown eyes-warm and familiar and soothing-searched mine as he reached up to tuck my hair behind my left ear. "Are you worried?" I didn't think it showed, but he must have seen it, and I knew there was no point in lying, so I said, "Sorry." I shook my head, unable to meet his eyes. I was ashamed of having these selfish thoughts, but there was no way I could fool myself into thinking that I was fine with all of this. "It's just that"-I paused, swallowing past the lump in my throat-"I can't imagine not having you here." He reached for my hands, both of them, and he clasped them in both of his. "I don't want you to feel like I'm leaving you behind, because I'm not." I looked up at him. "I'll be fine." His grip on my hands tightened. "I know," he murmured. "But will I be?" Stunned, I could only look at him. "You probably don't know," he said, letting go of my hands so he can lean forward and place both of his on either side of my face, "but I've known this for a while now: I need you more than you think I do." At that moment, I let his words ease my mind. I put my trust in him, never once thinking that he could be lying. Two weeks later, he broke up with me.

Over the course of four days, I'd gotten more and more familiar with my new routine. I'd gotten used to the empty passenger seat when I drove off campus to grab some lunch, avoiding the cafeteria so I wouldn't have to be in the same room as Ryder and Raven to the fact that I didn't share any of my classes with Raven and to the heavy silence between me and Ryder in History

 

I must have made it clear that I would rather not talk to him again because he made no more attempts to strike up a conversation with me.

We mostly just sat in silence, taking notes and listening intently to the lecture, doing our best not to talk to each other at all. By Thursday, I was beginning to feel comfortable wandering the corridors alone and leaving the campus to have lunch elsewhere, and as soon as the lunch bell rang, I jumped out of my seat to get out of my AP Lit class.

I hadn't yet decided where I was going to eat for the day, but I figured I could come up with something while driving. "Found you." I let out a surprised shriek. I looked to my right, my heart thudding loudly against my ribcage, to find Bellamy Blake leaning against the wall. His arms were crossed loosely over his chest, a lazy smile plastered across his face, and he made it look as if there was nothing unnatural about hanging out by the school entrance. I wasn't sure why he hadn't yet left me alone. He insisted on trying to spark up conversations with me during homeroom, or whenever we happened to meet each other in the parking lot. It wasn't that he was intentionally trying to talk to me; it had mostly been him leaning over to ask something about the assignment or to whisper something about Mr. Lowenstein's (horrible) wardrobe. This was the first time he'd specifically sought me out. "What are you doing here?" "I was just beginning to wonder where you always disappear to have lunch," he replied. "That's bordering on creepy stalker status, Blake" He laughed and pushed himself off the wall, shoving both hands in his pockets and lifting his shoulders in a lazy shrug. "How about that party tomorrow night, Griffin? Have you decided?" There was no way I could ever shake off the doubt I felt towards him and all his practiced movements, so instead of telling him no, I blurted out, "Did someone put you up to this?" A look of genuine confusion crossed his face, eyebrows stitching together and lips turning down into a slight frown. Perhaps it was the first real expression I'd ever seen on his face, and I couldn't help but feel a little guilty.

 

Thrown off, I cleared my throat and averted my gaze. "I just find it weird," I explained, "for you to be this persistent." "I was just trying to say thanks for the pen." "It's just a pen,Blake" I shook my head and began to walk across the parking lot. "It's not exactly a valuable one either, so stop bugging me." I didn't think he would follow me, but then I heard him fall into step behind me. "I would hardly call this bugging." I whirled around without warning, causing him to almost ram into me if he hadn't stopped in time. "I'm not like the other girls, okay? Whatever you want, it's not going to happen." If my outburst affected him, he hardly showed it. He simply leaned uncomfortably closer, letting his lips tug into that practiced smile of his. "We'll see about that." His eyes pierced through mine, but I could tell, as usual, that this was nothing but a game to him. I was nothing but a challenge to beat; another conquest to conquer, but it was never going to happen. "I'll come tomorrow," I said, and a triumphant look automatically appeared on his face, "but that's it. I'll show up tomorrow and you're never going to bother me again. One night and that's it." A smirk. "That's usually the way it goes." I scoffed, appalled at his cockiness, but before I could say anything, he was already leaning away. He tapped the hood of my car twice, sending me a triumphant smirk, before turning to leave.

Mom's car was, surprisingly, parked in the driveway when I got home. Her shoes were strewn by the front door and her coat was hanging on the side of the couch. Mom had a bad habit of leaving clothes and accessories wherever. Back then, it used to drive me crazy, but now she was hardly ever home, and I was beginning to miss it. When I stepped into the kitchen, I found her studying some documents, papers scattered across the tabletop. I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen her home so early and for a second, I just stood there, realizing it's been so long since the last time I found myself alone with her.

I didn't even know how to act around her anymore

It took her a while to notice me standing by the doorway, but when she did, she merely glanced at me before focusing back on what she was doing.

I would have asked what she wanted for dinner. We could eat together, I would tell her, but I came to familiarize myself with this expression on her face over the years and I knew that she would only reply with "I'm busy" or "maybe next time," so I decided to leave her alone to work, grabbing an apple before climbing upstairs to go to my room. The house hadn't always been this quiet. It used to be filled with hoots and laughter when Mom, Dad and I played a game of Monopoly in the living room. Sometimes, it would be Scrabble or, when I was much younger, Snakes n' Ladders. We would spend Sunday nights setting up dinner at the backyard. My father would grill some barbecue and I would help Mom bake cupcakes inside. Now the house felt as though it was hardly ever lived in. I couldn't remember the last time we watched TV or ate a meal together. Without Dad, Mom and I merely hovered around each other, coexisting but not living together, like parallel lines sitting just a few units away from each other on a Cartesian plane. I wasn't sure how exactly we drifted apart. It was just one of those things that happened, and by the time I realized it, there was already this big gap between us. She got promoted and she started to immerse herself more in her work, and I learned to get used to her absence.

Back then, I didn't really mind it. Ryder knew about the strained relationship I had with her and he always made an effort to keep me company when he knew I was alone or to call when neither of us could come over to the other's house. Or if Ryder was too busy, Raven would call me up for a sleepover or a movie marathon. Ryder and Raven were always here to fill the silence in this house, and not having them now magnified the emptiness of every room, of this once familiar place that held lingering impressions of all the people who left me behind.


	4. Chapter 4

I surveyed my reflection on the full-length mirror. I tugged the black skirt a little lower and checked if my red top was properly tucked into it. I didn't want to exert too much effort-I didn't want Bellamy to get the wrong idea-but I didn't want to show up looking like I just rolled out of bed either. While looks weren't everything, I've learned to rely on making myself look perfectly fine to fool everyone into thinking I that I was.

I hadn't properly brushed out my hair, so I initially planned on putting it up in a high ponytail, but after running my fingers a few times through it, I managed to make it look like I'd kept it this way on purpose, framing my face just the right way.

People always said I looked a lot like my mom. I got her high cheekbones, which I only learned to be thankful of when I began to pay attention to how I looked, as well as her nose (while it wasn't movie star perfect, it wasn't entirely hideous either) and brown hair. "But you got my best feature, Kid," Dad used to tell me whenever someone pointed out the resemblance between me and Mom, always claiming it was his vibrant green eyes that made Mom "fall in too deep," to which she would roll her eyes and shake her head. Now I was looking at the green eyes staring back at me on the mirror and I knew it was the closest I could ever get to having Dad's eyes on me again. I'd always wondered what he would have thought of Ryder. I wanted to know if he would have approved of him; if he'd try to scare him off; or if he'd tell me to stay away from him because he knew he was only going to break my heart. I wondered what he would have done to comfort me after the breakup. He probably would have whipped up a batch of (burnt) waffles, like he always did when I was a child, telling me a quote or two that he picked up from one of his favorite books. All I could ever do now was wonder-about what he thought of me wearing this skirt, or of Bellamy, who was going be here any minute now to pick me up. I never planned on letting him drive me, but if there was one thing I was quickly learning about him, it was that he was really stubborn.

 

I was taking something from my locker when he walked up to me after class yesterday. He leaned against the locker next to mine, causal as ever, and asked me what time he should pick me up. At first, I couldn't tell if he was being serious, but when I figured he really was serious, I said, "I can drive,Blake" Not only did I have a problem about not having my own means of escape, but agreeing to ride in a car with a person whose reputation with girls wasn't exactly pleasant was something that triggered countless warning flags at the back of my mind, so I told him no.

He followed me all the way to the parking lot, incessantly trying to convince me to agree, and the thing that annoyed me most was the fact that he didn't even look desperate, not even when he began to drive after me on my way home, looking as though he was hardly bothered by the chase (I suspected he might have even enjoyed it); like he knew for sure that I would say yes by the end of the day.

I managed to ignore his car trailing behind mine until the first stoplight. I pulled into the parking lot of a bakery store, knowing he would stop as well. "Fine," I hissed out at him. When a smug look crossed his face, it took all I had in me to resist the urge to hurl something at him. A shoe, maybe, or my phone. Perhaps even my whole bag. By the time we said goodbye, I'd already given him my address and he was promising to pick me up at eight. For some reason, he struck me as the kind of person who would have been late, but there was still a minute before the clock struck eight when the doorbell rang. Before going out of my room, I peeked out the window, just in case it wasn't him, but sure enough, it was his car parked in front of our house. I grabbed my purse and ran downstairs, heading straight to the front door. His face brightened the moment he saw me. "I was worried I had the wrong house." "If you hadn't insisted on picking me up, you never would have had to worry about it at all." "But then I'd worry if you'd even show up at all," he replied without missing a beat. "Let's just go," I muttered, walking past him to get to his car

 

"Wow, Griffin" he said, "you don't have to sound so enthusiastic on my account." "Oh, don't worry." I sent him a sickly sweet smile. "I don't plan to." The car ride was, at the very least, not too awkward. I mostly looked out the window, partly so I wouldn't have to look at him and partly to make sure he wasn't trying to bring me somewhere else.

One thing that annoyed me, however, was the fact that he had a knack for ignoring my sarcastic retorts and clipped monosyllabic responses. He just kept talking, trying to get me to say something, and even though I was being rude, he continued acting like he was having the time of his life.

After a failed attempt at a conversation that involved food, he let out a sigh and said, "You can at least pretend you're listening." I was listening, actually, but I didn't tell him this. Instead, I told him that he was the one who subjected himself to this situation. He ignored me, deciding to open a new topic altogether. "So how come I never noticed you until this year?" This didn't actually surprise me. I'd always known that I wasn't the kind of person people noticed. I embraced it, even. I preferred the anonymity of being invisible; of the idea that I could be anyone in the crowd. In a way, I was polar opposites with Bellamy.

He was one of those people everyone just knew. I wouldn't call him "popular" or anything. He was known by everyone, but it wasn't the kind of popularity often portrayed in teen flicks or books. While certain cliques existed in Rivermount High, the lines kind of blurred together. That was the advantage of living in a small town.

The people you knew from elementary will most probably be the same people you'd grow up with through high school, so while interests shifted and people drifted apart, there was always that foundation in the past that kind of connected all of us. The friends I had back in kindergarten have all separated into different groups of their own, but we still knew everyone enough to acknowledge each other when we happened to fall in line in the cafeteria at the same time or bump into each other in the local grocery. I couldn't remember him at all from grade school

 

Perhaps he used to blend in, like me, at first, but by sophomore year, he had become one of those people that everyone had probably heard of, one way or another, and I couldn't really blame him for not knowing who I was, even though we've had four or five classes together since freshman year.

When I told him this, however, he just said, "What?" I turned to him, wondering if he was for real, but judging from his frown and the way his eyebrows creased together, I knew he was genuinely unaware of this. "Are you sure?" he said, turning to me after stopping at a red light. "We've been classmates before?" "Yes," I replied, back to looking out the window. I could see my favorite coffee shop-the one Raven and I always frequented-from where we were. If things hadn't changed, I would probably be there with Raven right now, ogling the hot barista, going over some of our notes. I quickly looked away. "Now that I think about it," he suddenly said, "you do lookkind offamiliar." I peered at him, wondering if he was only saying this or not. Then, with a sudden burst of recognition, he said, "Hey, I do know you. You're Ryder smith's girlfriend." I flinched. It didn't miss him.

He looked at me, his eyes searching mine, but the light turned green and he had to look away. He shifted gears and sped away without speaking.

The silence only made the matter seem bigger than it really was, so I swallowed and forced myself to say, "I was. But not anymore." I wasn't sure how I expected him to react, but he let the words hang in the air for a few beats before saying, "That explains a lot." My head snapped to his direction. "What's that supposed to mean?" "I don't know,Griffin" He sent me a brief sideways glance before turning back on the road. "You tell me." Something in the air shifted. I bit the inside of my cheeks, wondering how I should answer that before deciding not to answer at all.

There was something off about the conversation; about Bellamy.   
It was like there was a quality of rigidness to him; like he stripped off the traces of his usual relaxed persona. His jaw was taut and his eyes were focused on the road ahead.

 

It bothered me, how quickly he suddenly seemed to close himself off, and at the moment I couldn't fully comprehend why, still too rattled with the sudden mention of Ryder.

He must have felt the heaviness in the air, or perhaps he was too busy thinking of other things the conversation might have triggered for him, but in any case, the two of us stayed silent for the rest of the ride.

Twelve minutes later, we were pulling up a few lots away from Jordan Smiths(He's not bellamys brother)house.

Even from out here, I could hear each muffled thump of the booming bass and see the other cars lined up along the sidewalk and some people walking towards the house.

For a second, I hesitated, memories of the party almost two weeks ago coming back in sharp focus. I was reminded of my argument with Raven and of Ryder showing up, and for a second, I let myself feel bad about the way things turned out, but I knew I couldn't afford to show weakness now. "Come on," Bellamy said, speaking for the first time after a while.

He sent me a smile, once again back to his usual self, before getting out of the car. I followed suit. As soon as I got out, however, I stayed rooted on my spot. It was like my feet refused to move and there was nothing I could do but look at the house and all the people standing in the front lawn, one of which was wearing nothing save for something that looked suspiciously like a diaper, his hairy chest and bulging stomach on display for everyone to see. I felt as though something (other than the diaper-clad dude, I mean) was stopping me from going in there.

Despite the fact that I'd done this before, I couldn't get rid of the voice in my head telling me that this was a bad idea; that I should just leave. I could even imagine Raven asking me to head back now, reminding me of how wrong this whole thing was. "You all right?" I blinked, realizing Bellamy was waiting for me to move. After a moment, I said, "Yeah." The party was already in full swing by the time we strode into the house. A couple of people exchanged enthusiastic greetings with bellamy as we made our way through the crowd.

 

Some of them were people I recognized from school and some of them were people I'd never even seen my whole life, but they all gave Bellamy friendly pats in the back (from guys) and kisses on the cheek (for girls). He made an effort to introduce me to them all-something I hadn't expected of him-but I could tell only few, if any at all, actually cared. "Is there anyone here who doesn't know you?" I asked him, finding it ridiculous how it had almost taken us fifteen minutes just to get from the front door to the dining room just because we had to stop so many times on our way. "Hardly half the people here know me," he replied, but I merely narrowed my eyes at him. "I find that hard to believe." He handed me a plastic cup and motioned for me to bring it closer to the keg. "Maybe they know of me," he said as I let him fill my cup halfway. "But know me? Hardly." "I bet all of them want to get to know you though," I said, almost absently, as he began to fill his cup too. I couldn't help but notice he didn't fill it all the way either. He raised an eyebrow, a faint smile playing on his lips as he looked up at me. "What about you? Do you want to get to know me?" "I think I got it figured out," I replied. A look of genuine curiosity passed over his face. "This, I'm definitely interested to hear." I studied him for moment, trying to look past those startling blue eyes, and I wasn't sure where my confidence came from, but without thinking, I started to speak. "Bellamy Blake Somehow, you were blessed to have both the looks and, I suppose, the right friends to survive through high school. You pretty much know everyone in this house"-he started to protest, but I didn't let him-"and you never have trouble getting what you want. "Undeniably charming, surprisingly witty and irritatingly charismatic. Girls often fall all over you, but you never really care, do you?" At this point, I was shaking my head almost involuntarily.

His amused smile disappeared, revealing an impassive expression that I couldn't quite read. "What do you mean by that?" "I don't know, Blake" I said with a shrug, looking him in the eye with as much confidence as I could muster. "You tell me."

 

We both just stood there, daring the other to look away first. I could almost see something shift in his eyes, as though rising up to the unspoken challenge I made, and at first I was almost sure neither of us were going to budge, but then a tall blonde interrupted to refill her cup and Bellamy and I had to get out of the way. "You think you got it all figured out, don't you?" he said as we began to weave through the crowd to get to the back door. "Fake smiles only go so far,Blake" He stopped walking to look at me. "And how, exactly, would you know that they're 'fake'?" I couldn't figure out whether he was angry or not, but judging from the tone of his voice, it didn't seem like it.

In fact, when I looked at him, I could have sworn he was fighting back a smile, one that I think must have been real, and I realized I didn't have an answer to his question. So, after much consideration, I replied, "I just do." "Is that so?" I squared my shoulders. "Yes,Blake" "Want to know what I think?"he asked me in a tone that made me feel as though he was simply humoring me.

Without waiting for an answer, he took a step closer. "You're hiding under a mask of your own." I stepped back. "Say what you will about me," he continued. "But I can also see right through you." He was close, too close, and suddenly there was too little space between us. I scrambled backwards, feeling exposed, like he successfully unpeeled all the layers I've been hiding under.

There was no way I would let him see what was lying beneath the makeup and the clothes and the bravado I'd put on. "Hey, watch out-" But it was too late. I ran into something-someone-in my haste to get away. I quickly spun around to apologize, but the moment I saw who it was, the words were lost in my throat. My mind reeled back, and for a moment, I couldn't make sense of anything at all. "Clarke?" he said, looking just as surprised as I was. It was Ryder.


	5. Chapter 5

Bellamy had been pretty silent in homeroom Monday morning

At first I thought he was simply acting weird but then I recalled the deal we made about him not bothering me again if I went to the party last Friday

I spent my weekend working on an essay I had to do for Lit

I'd gone to the library on Saturday and spent the whole day poring over books regarding the topic, as well as a few others I could read for leisure. By Sunday morning, I already finished writing it, so I just read the other books instead. The essay wasn't due until Friday next week, but it wasn't like I had anything better to do anyway. Besides, I needed the distraction. I had to get my mind off the party,Ryder and Bellamys ridiculous offer

If his silence had anything to do with my rejection, I didn't know

Not that I would have had a way of knowing either since striking up a conversation with him was the last thing on my mind. I mostly shifted in and out of focus for the rest of the class period. At one point during the discussion, I accidentally swept my pen off my desk, which chose to land just out of arm's reach under Bellamys desk

At first, I wasn't sure whether I should just get off my chair to reach for it or ask Bellamy if he could pick it up, so I just paused wondering what I should do Bellamy reached for it before I could figure the answer out

He handed it to me and for the first time that morning his eyes met mine. "One pen is enough,Griffin" With his right hand, he lifted the pen I gave him last week, smiling just the slightest bit

Without waiting for a reply he turned back to Mr Lowenstein. The thank you I meant to say was drowned out by my hesitation, as well as his complete indifference to the whole matter, so I decided to just keep my mouth shut. I found my thoughts slipping back to his ridiculous offer to help me. It was stupid, I knew that, but he was right about Ryder's reaction when he saw the two of us. I knew, at the back of my mind, that even though he dumped me, he still cared about me in some way, and seeing me with bellamy someone he hated, really might just drive him crazy.

I pushed the thought away, cursing Bellamy for ever planting it in my mind in the first place and decided to pay attention instead.

I was washing my hands in the girl's bathroom when one of the cubicle doors opened. There was a moment of silence in which my eyes shifted from my reflection to Ravens light brown eyes in the mirror

The two of us just stood there wordlessly looking at each other in the mirror

The silence seemed uncertain, like we were simply waiting for the other to make the next move, and before I could react she looked away and headed to the sink farthest from me. I dropped my stare, thinking back to the times when we almost always went to the comfort room together for no particular reason, talking about Mrs. Young's latest bizarre wig or the History paper we needed to work on. That was the thing with me and Raven: We could talk about practically everything, even the things that didn't really matter

Ryder and I might be close, but there was something different about the way Raven and I could discuss anything under the sun. Now the silence between us was unbearable, reminding me of just how much things had changed over the course of a few weeks

The faucet gave a slight squeak when I turned it off. Without so much as another glance at her I left the bathroom, letting the door carelessly swing shut behind us, and hurried to my class

The sad part, however, was that even though I could run away from Raven there was nothing I could do to escape Ryder. Last Friday's events still kept plaguing my thoughts. I knew it shouldn't really be a big deal, but I couldn't help but feel as though it was; like all this time, the Ryder I knew wasn't really someone I knew at all. I felt like he had taken away the memories I had of him, painting them in a new light so I can question just how real "we" ever was, and I found myself hating him more for it

He was already seated when I stepped inside the classroom head resting on his arms which were folded atop his table I forced myself to move until I reached my seat

 

From my peripheral vision I could see that his eyes were closed earphones plugged in

I didn't really make a lot of noise when I sat down, but he must have felt my presence because his eyes began to flutter open

They were clear and sharp, not at all the groggy look I had been expecting to see   
I did my best not to look at him but without warning he straightened eyes entirely focused on me

I heard him call my name, making me pause halfway from grabbing my binder out of my bag but I didn't turn to him. "Clarke" he said again leaning slightly closer to me

I could hear the urgency in his voice and it was this that finally made me turn to look at him "What?" "About last Friday," he began   
I couldn't tell where he was going with this, but whatever it was that he wanted to say, I didn't want to hear it I let out an audible sigh, shook my head and turned away My disinterest, however, didn't faze him at all "Why were you with Bellamy blake?" he said just as Mr. Callahan entered the classroom, effectively silencing the usual chatter among the students. Ryder didn't look away immediately, and when he did, it was only for a moment. More quietly, he said, "You know what kind of guy he is." I opened my binder, as well as my textbook, doing my best not to acknowledge Ryder at all

I could hear his resentment, as well as his bewilderment, and I knew he was dying to figure out why I was with Bellamy that night. "He's just playing with you" Ryder continued not letting my silence deter him "Stay away from him." At this, I couldn't help but turn to him, feeling the anger resurfacing all over again. "Who I hang out with is none of your fucking business Ryder" "He'll only break your heart." His voice rose a little, as though saying it louder was going to help him make his point. "Oh, don't worry," I spat "You already did that for him." He flinched

Whether it was from the coldness of my voice or the words themselves I wasn't sure He stared at me for a few speechless seconds

It was as though he was trying to come up with an answer to that, and just when I thought he wasn't going to say anything at all, he did. "Look I'm sorry," he said. He sounded so sincere I could almost feel something tug at my heart. "But please. Stay away from-" "Smith,Griffin!" I jumped a little in my seat. From the podium, Mr. Callahan was glaring at us both hands placed on his hips in a manner that almost made him look threatening. "Detention," he barked at us. "Both of you." "What? No, I wasn't-" I began to say but was cut off by the older man clearing his throat loudly and telling the class to get a piece of paper out muttering something about students not paying attention to class. I turned to glare at Ryder who was pinching the bridge of his nose, the way he always did when he was frustrated with something. "Shit" I heard him mutter giving me a sideways glance

I could tell he wanted to apologize, but before he could speak again, I looked away. I couldn't risk listening to another apology of his

I'd only ever gotten detention once. I overslept and was late to class. The teacher, Aoyagi-sensei (she told us to call her that way), was incredibly old-fashioned and strict, so even though I was merely five minutes late, she still got mad, telling me I had to "reflect on my irresponsibility." I hadn't minded, really, since I was tasked to rearrange and organize some of the loose files in the library. For someone who found refuge in words and books, it didn't feel like a punishment at all. Today, however, I was dreading the thought of heading to detention. I was only given time to deposit my things in my locker, and while I thought of ditching, I had a feeling it wouldn't end well with Mr. Callahan if he found out. I let out a sigh before closing my locker, leaving to go to detention. The room was empty when I got there, save for Ryder leaning sideways against one of the windows one hand in his pocket and his eyes trained on the view outside

 

It took a while for him to notice me but when he did he pushed himself off the window. I half expected him to say something but we stood there in silence until Mrs

Ramirez came. She was the school librarian and she also happened to be in charge of detention. She had that stern quality about her something stiff and somewhat unsentimental and she spoke with a heavy European accent though I couldn't tell what it was and I've long given up on trying to figure out whether it was a French or simply something similar "The both of you" she said, "follow me." I followed suit as she got out of the classroom, her heels click-clocking loudly in the empty corridor. Mrs. Ramirez led us to the library. We continued to follow her until we reached one of the locked doors just beside the counter.Ryder and I both followed her in. The room smelled slightly of mildew and old paper. She turned a light on, but it was still relatively dimly lit compared to the rest of the library. I looked around surveying the shelves that covered all its walls as well as the long table in the middle, where several books and folders were stacked haphazardly on top"I need you both to arrange these"-she gestured at the table-"according to file type and the date they were published. Put the folders in the drawer over there and leave the books on top of the table" She turned to look us in the eye. "Understood?" I nodded "Very well" she said and stalked out of the room

She closed the door behind her-something I wished she hadn't done-and the room was plunged in an awkward silence. The room wasn't that big, but I didn't think it was too small until I realized Ryder and I will have to work alone together. He shifted turning to look at me. "Where should we start?" I didn't want to work with him so I walked over to the other end of the table. "I'll work on the folders. You go with the books." The minutes ticked by without either of us saying a word. I busied myself with the folders, handling them as carefully as I could. Rearranging them was slightly difficult as some of the titles and labels were beginning to fade. The dim light didn't help either but I managed

 

Every now and then Id see something interesting and skim through the whole thing, only to be reminded that the sooner we finish the sooner we can leave and I didn't want to be here with Ryder any longer than necessary. Fortunately having something to do really helped me keep my mind off him After successfully arranging at least a quarter of all the folders I was beginning to forget he was even present in the first place. Until of course he decided to speak. "I meant it" He paused, a book in hand, and lifted his gaze to look me straight in the eye. "I dont know whats going on between the two of you but Bellamy blakes bad news" "You keep forgetting" I shook my head willing my voice to stay firm. I hoped he could hear my anger. I hoped he could hear me telling him to go away"It's none of your business." Something passed over his face, but before I could figure it out he had already looked away"Right." It was there again, that feeling of wanting to cross the gap that kept us from being together, but I reminded myself that this was the guy who broke my heart without so much as a warning so I looked away from the troubled expression on his face and forced myself to start working again. He didn't say another word until we finished. I stacked the folders together to place them in the drawer. They were surprisingly heavy, so when Ryder wordlessly took half of them to help me, I didnt complain. There were no windows in the archive room, so I was surprised when I realized that it had grown completely dark outside. Mrs. Ramirez was scribbling on something when we both got out of the room and she merely nodded at us as we left the library. I didn't want to walk with Ryder to the parking lot, so I pretended I needed something from my locker and let him walk ahead. When I was sure he was far enough I walked out as well. I almost reached the main doors when I heard a familiar voice call my name out. I turned around to see Bellamy Blake walking to my direction backpack carelessly slung over one shoulder"Hey" he said when he was close enough"Why are you still here?" "I got detention" I replied. "Ah" he said an easy smile spreading on his face. "Okay lets do it"

 

I stared at the numbers on the screen, then at the name that accompanied them.bellamy. Never in my life had I ever thought I would have bellamy blakes number. I fought back a groan and tossed the phone on the bed. I followed, falling face-first, and began to wonder whether or not I was going the right thing. Had I been too rash? Was I being stupid? I couldn't see how this whole plan was going to end well. I had half a mind to call Bellamy and tell him I was backing off, that I changed my mind and didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore, but for some reason, snapshots of Ryder telling me stay away from bellamy kept coming back to me. Obviously, I hadn't thought this through, but I couldn't help it. Ryder kept acting like he needed to look out for me, and if even Bellamy could see that I wasn't over Ryder yet, then I was pretty sure everyone could either. Even Rydee probably knew. In fact, it could even be the reason why he kept acting like I belonged to him when he had already thrown me away. Agreeing to bellamys plan might not be the greatest idea, but it wouldn't hurt to show Ryder I was moving on with someone he obviously detested. It was the least I could do to get back at him.

 

I was in the middle of writing an essay for my History class when my phone rang. It was eight minutes past eleven and at first, I wondered if it was a wrong number-I hadn't really gotten calls lately, much less at such a late hour-but when I checked the screen, I realized it was Bellamy For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to answer it so I let it ring. It was like I was suddenly dreading the idea of having to talk to him, and after much thought, I finally forced myself to answer the call before I could change my mind. "What do you want?" I said in lieu of a hello. "Hello to you too" he replied. His voice sounded different on the phone. Somewhat deeper, the static making it sound slightly rough, yet I could still imagine him smiling over the line. "What is it?" "So I was thinking." There was some rustling, like he was moving, but he didn't pause. "Are you doing anything tomorrow night?" I didn't want to readily admit that I basically had no social life whatsoever, so I replied with, "Why?" "I was thinking we should hang out after school," he said. "Talk about the plan. Or whatever." "What?" "I don't know." I could imagine him shrugging as he said this and for a slight moment, I was irritated with myself. Why was I even so familiar with his common mannerisms? "Just sort things out. Establish some... rules." "'Rules'?" I shook my head in genuine confusion before realizing he couldn't see me. "Yes, Griffin. Rules. I let out a breath, fighting the urge to argue because I knew without a doubt that he wouldn't readily let this go. "Fine," I said. "Whatever you say." "Great," he replied. "I'll see you tomorrow." "Unfortunately." I heard him laugh. "Glad to see I'm not the only who's excited."


	6. Chapter 6

From halfway across the parking lot I found bellamy leaning against his car talking to two girls who if I wasn't mistaken were both from the volleyball team the next day after class. The fake smile Id come to recognize was painted on his face but both girls didnt seem to notice its insincerity.I fought the urge to roll my eyes at the display, taking my time as I trudged towards them. When he saw me approaching, his smile grew a little wider, and he raised a hand to wave at me, prompting the girls to look over their shoulders. "Hey" bellamy said pushing himself off against his car. "Ready to go?" "I think I should be the one asking you that" I said, eyeing the two brunettes. Bellamy raised an eyebrow at me before turning to say goodbye to the girls who both walked away giggling and loudly talking about something that had to do with practice and their coach. "Now griffin" He put on an irritatingly confident smile. "There's no need to be jealous" I snorted "More like disgusted" Before he could retaliate, I said, "Let's drive separately." "That would be a total waste of gas," he replied. He walked over to the passenger seat of his car, opening it before making a ridiculously fancy gesture that made him look like a fancy chauffeur. "Let's use my car and since my house is this way, I can just drop you off here on our way home." "I prefer driving myself." I made a beeline to go to my car, but he swiftly sidestepped to block my way. "Come on. It doesn't make sense for us to go there separately." "Yes," I said, "it does. You have your car, I have my car; you can drive, I can drive. It makes perfect sense." "Just get in the car griffin" I gave him a grudging look, to which he responded with a smile that told me he wasnt going to budge anytime soon. I let out a groan and forced myself to get in. I had decided not to talk to him unless it was necessary, but he must have had other ideas because as soon as we joined the usual after-school traffic, he said, "So what made you reconsider?" When I gave him a blank look, he added"To take my offer"

 

I wasnt quite sure if I wanted to answer that, or that I had an answer in the first place so I simply said, "I just did" "No one just reconsiders something like that." "Well I did" I snapped. I saw him raise an eyebrow but he didn't say anything It wasn't that I was being a bitch on purpose, but I wasnt exactly comfortable with the idea of telling bellamy about anything that involved my feelings. He was after all still a stranger to me and as much as he seemed to think otherwise I wasnt really sure I wanted him to get to know me that well. I had no intention of becoming friends with him. When he pulled into a small frozen yogurt shops parking lot he turned to me with an unbelievably enthusiastic smile. "Lets go" he said, unbuckling his seatbelt as he switched the engine off. Snowflake was the only frozen yogurt place in town and during the summer it would always be brimming with people and I was glad to see that there werent a lot of people inside and the line was relatively short There used to be this other shop that opened a while back, but it was never as successful as Snowflake had been and it eventually closed down and become a bait shop instead. (I wasnt sure how exactly frozen yogurt was replaced by bait, but it just did.) I liked my yogurt with strawberries and kiwi slices and bellamy I noticed ordered his with blueberries and raspberries. When I pulled my wallet out to pay he shook his head. "My treat" he said, "since Im the one who asked you out" "I can pay for myself." He shrugged. "Im not saying you can't." I tried to hand him my payment but he only shoved the money back to me, giving me a firm stare. "Just take it." "If it means that much to you," he said, "it can be your treat next time." As soon as we got our orders we made our way to one of the booths in the corner of the store. I slid into my seat as he took the one across from me. "So," he began. I cautiously looked up at him, raising an eyebrow in a silent question. I had no idea what he actually wanted to talk about, nor did I want to be in this situation in the first place, so I figured I could let him do the talking and just get this over with"

 

"I was thinking we should give them a show." "What?" I stared at him utterly lost. I wasnt sure what he meant by giving them a show and I had a feeling I wouldn't want to find out "Stir some things up," he said "Make more people talk about it" I raised an eyebrow. "And how exactly, are you going to do that?" "We need to do something that will set you apart from the other girls Ive dated before. If you play hard to get and I pretend to continue pursuing you despite your constant rejection I think it'll definitely have people thinking about us more" I watched him carefully, trying to figure out if he was being serious or not. At this point, I wouldn't even be surprised if he suddenly admitted that everything was a joke, and that he was just making fun of me trying to see if I'd get along. Maybe I was even half-expecting him to say so. As I stared at him and that unnerving I'm so brilliant look on his face, however, it was beginning to dawn on me that he was being serious. "Is all this really necessary?" I asked him. "Maybe not" he replied, "but wouldn't it be better to make smith(Ryder) think that what we have is something serious? That it's more than just a casual fling? That I could replace him for real?" He lifted his shoulders in a slight shrug "It'll drive him crazy." For a long while, there was nothing I could do but stare at him. Something didn't feel right, and the uneasy feeling was gnawing at my guts. I studied him, trying to see past the expectant look on his face but I couldn't "Why are you doing this?" I demanded, leaning over the table to level my eyes with his. "What are you getting out of this?" He smiled and the sight sent a chill down my spine. There was something cold about it-humorless. Almost mocking. "I have my reasons" He made no effort to disguise his own contempt for Ryder and suddenly it felt as though he was a completely different person altogether. Gone were the easygoing smiles and the seemingly careless attitude. There were no traces of the Bellamy Blake Id been seeing for the past few days

 

 

But then the icy look on his face disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared replaced with an impassive expression that didnt betray his emotions "The moment this doesn't work out" I said trying to keep my voice steady "Were done I can back out of this anytime" "You can at least pretend you dont hate me so much" "Theres not really much for me to like" I deadpanned. One corner of his lips rose "Smart girl"   
The first time Ryder kissed me was on our second date as boyfriend-girlfriend. The shift from friends to more than friends had been confusing at first. I knew him too well. I knew the girls he had had a crush on or the movies that made him cry. I knew some of his peculiar habits like how he likes washing his hair with my conditioner ("It's soft. Feel it. No seriously.") and how he had a habit of staying in his pajamas all day when we had no classes. It must have been the same with me for him. We've been friends since we were children and we basically grew up together. Even when we began to grow older, we never had that awkward boy-girl phase, especially during puberty. We were good friends and ending up together was something neither of us had probably expected. At first I was worried that we were only making things awkward between us. When I agreed to become his girlfriend, I kept over-thinking the situation. What if I didn't really like him? Or what if he didn't really like me? What if we were only afraid we might lose our friendship if we went out with other people? I spent the first few days trying to figure out how I should act around him, worrying about him realizing just how unattractive I actually was. It was like the two of us had suddenly become strangers. I had to second guess everything even the littlest things that never really mattered to either of us. Like was it okay for me to go to his house when his father wasn't home? Or should I stop wearing my baggy shirts around him? It was like I was suddenly afraid of being with him because I could mess everything up in just one second. But that changed after our second date

 

 

It wasn't exactly a date, per se. We were having a marathon of Underworld in his house, eating some Chinese takeout in the living room. We've had countless movie marathons before, and that night, it felt like we were back to the old times. It was just me and him and a bunch of good movies to watch, and before I knew it, all my worries eased away. He was still the same Ryder and I was the same Clarke and whatever relationship we had between us wasn't going to change how good we were together. When he took me home, he walked me to the front door, and kissed me for the first time. At first, I was worried I wouldn't know what to do, or that I would do it so badly he'd never kiss me again, but when he leaned down and gently pressed his lips to mine, it all clicked into place. It wasn't a mistake, the two of us. "We" weren't a mistake. And at that that moment, I really believed in that. I held onto him, to us, because I knew he was never going to let me down. I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong. "So what happened?"Bellamy gave me a genuinely curious look sneaking a sideways glance at me before focusing back on the road. "With you and him." The question had taken me by surprise. After making sure we were both on the same page with our "plan," we finished our fro-yos and decided to head back. I hadn't really talked about anything that concerned my relationship with Ryder to bellamy but now that I actually thought about it, I knew I should have expected him to ask. Still, I couldn't bring myself to talk about it, so I simply said, "He dumped me over the break." He didn't say anything, and I suspected he was waiting for me to elaborate, but I didn't and I was grateful that he didn't ask. I've been doing my best not to think about that night, if only because I couldn't bring myself to do so without feeling like a dam was about to burst inside me, and if I couldn't even think about it, then there was no fucking way I could ever talk about it out loud.

 

"Are you... are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" I raised an eyebrow, not quite sure if I'd heard him right or not. "That's the last thing I want to do." "Funny," he said, a smirk quickly replacing the squirmy look he had on his face. "I thought dating me was the last thing you wanted to do." I decided it was best not to reply. I focused my gaze out the window, watching the streets blur past us as we drove. I might have seen glimpses of the person lying beneath the mask he kept, but I had yet to pinpoint who Bellamy Blake truly was. When I thought back to that humorless expression of his earlier, though, I wasn't sure I wanted to see the rest.


	7. Chapter 7

I hugged my laptop to my chest making my way through the main hall to go to the parking lot I tried my best not to look at the couple walking hand-in-hand a few feet from me They walked slowly the way most people often did when they were completely engrossed in a conversation. In the semi-empty corridor I could hear them murmur and when the guy leaned over to whisper something to the girl her laughter rang in the empty corridor. It was the kind of laugh that was real the kind that made her throw her head back and give the guy a good-natured shove. Instead of retaliating with a shove of his own however he reached out and put his arm over the girl's shoulders, who automatically leaned into him walking so slowly anyone would think they had all the time in the world. It was these moments that I hated the most: seeing things that reminded me of Ryder and what we had once Of what we lost and what we can never recover. Perhaps that was the more difficult side of breaking up the things you could have happened, but never did. The girl laughed again. It sounded so rich, so full, so alive that I couldn't help but clench my fists so tight my nails bit into my palms. "griffin!" I hadn't noticed the heavy footfalls until I heard my name. Ahead of me the couple disappeared beyond the school's main door. I took a deep breath, wondering what he could possibly want from me now, before turning to look Bellamy was half-running towards me, but he slowed to a walk when he was close enough Slightly out of breath, he stopped to offer me a smile. "Heading out?" "I'm going to have lunch," I replied.I wasn't actually that hungry, so technically, I was heading out to Coffee Overdose to grab some coffee while working on a piece I had to write for my Literature class. It wasn't due until next week, but it wasn't like I had anything better to do so I figured I might as well cross off one of the item on my to-do-list. "Have lunch with me," he suggested. "Oh, for Christ's sake" I let out a breath and shook my head, already turning away to leave "We've gone through this Blake"  
"Yes, but"-quick as a fox he stepped in front of me to block my way-"my friends want to meet you"

My eyebrows shot up my forehead. "What?" "Eat with us," he replied. I wasn't sure if I had heard him right, but the idea of having lunch with his friends didn't exactly sit well on me. For a long time, I just stared at him, trying to see past the expectant stare and the smile he kept on his face. It's been four days since the day we went out to Snowflake and talked about how we were going to go about with our plan. The day after that, I came to homeroom to find a box of chocolates sitting atop my desk.bellamy made a show of asking me if I liked them, making sure everyone in class knew they were from him, and if it had been anyone but bellamy the rumors never would have spread like wildfire among the rest of the student body. For the next few days, I received all sorts of "gifts" from bellamy-a rose, a box of chocolate chip cookies, Skittles and Nerds-waiting for me on my desk. From what I heard from snippets of conversation here and there, there were several rumors that seemed to reach everyone, all of which were vastly different from each other. There was even one rumor about me sending myself gifts just to catch some attention. They were all ridiculous, but considering I did my best not to talk to bellamy at all in school, it wasn't that surprising to know that hardly half of them got the story-or my name, for that matter-right. It wasn't like a lot of people knew who I was. For the most part, the rumors weren't about me and bellamy blake but about "that girl" and bellamy blake. Beyond the whole gift-giving thing bellamy and I had hardly spoken. I did my best not to, and while he did say hi whenever we met in the parking lot by accident, he wasn't going out of his way to spark up a conversation with me. He called me once, two nights ago, but it was only to ask me whether or not there was something I was allergic to, just so he was sure I could eat whatever gift he'd give me the coming days. I volunteered to pay for the treats, feeling like I'd owed him, but he refused. "I don't want your money," he said "But I'm sure you'll pay me back in some way someday"

Even though I'd already taken his offer to help me, I couldnt bring myself to trust him completely. He was too willing too eager and that was enough for me to suspect that something wasn't quite right. I vowed to keep my distance to draw a line that separated me from him and accepting his invitation to eat lunch with him and his friends would be like crossing that clear boundary. "Look," he said keeping his tone rational, "they just want to meet you. We're not usually so secretive around each other." "Secretive?" "I'm telling you," he said. "One of them already threatened to cut my balls off if I don't introduce you." "All the more reason why I should say no, then," I pointed out, to which he laughed and shook his head to. "Come on. It's just lunch, not a firing squad." "Well, I-" Without warning, he grabbed me by the hand and suddenly sprinted. There was nothing I could do but move my feet and try to keep up with him so I wouldn't fall flat on my face. I hugged my laptop closer to my chest, afraid I might drop it, and did my best to pull my hand away from his grip. It was, however, surprisingly firm, and only when we reached the end of the hall did he slow down, laughing a little as he tried to catch his breath. His grip loosened and I immediately snatched my hand away. I'd never really been fond of running, so naturally, I was panting considerably harder than him by the time we've both stopped. I could hardly even speak through the quick breaths I was taking so I resorted to fixing him with a withering stare instead. He merely flashed me a triumphant grin. "We can walk from here to the cafeteria," he said, "or I can carry you the rest of the way there." I would have told him to fuck off and leave me alone, but I figured my pathetic wheezing would only take the edge off my words. Either way, I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to speak anyway; not when breathing already felt like a chore of its own, so I promptly turned to the direction of the cafeteria and began to walk bellamy fell into step with me. "You look down." "Down?" " More than usual, I mean." My head snapped to look at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He shrugged. "Nothing. Just that you always look upset." "I don't." "You scowl. You frown. You rely too much on sarcasm," he listed off in rapid succession, before making a vague gesture in my direction. "You never smile, for one." "That's not true," I said. "And none of those mean that I'm upset or whatever." "Well, whatever you are," he said, "it's not happy." I almost missed a step, thoroughly taken aback by his words, as well as his frankness. He spoke like he was simply tossing the words out; that they didn't carry any weight whatsoever. I wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or not, the way he said it so matter-of-factly, but part of me felt as though he had just stabbed me, and I felt like stabbing him back. Which was why I found myself saying, "You're one to talk." I could hear the venom in my voice-the intent to hurt-but I knew at the back of my mind that I had nothing on him. Still, I tried. "You may smile and laugh and joke around, but you're not happy either." He turned to look me directly in the eye. "I never said I was." That shut me up. He admitted it the same way he pointed my unhappiness out-like he was hardly bothered by it-and for a second I was jealous. Jealous that he could say it like that, straight out, without worrying about how I might think of him. The cafeteria was buzzing with life when we got there. It had been a while since I last had lunch here. It took me a moment to adjust to that feeling of familiarity as my gaze swept over the wide room. Students were milling around in their own tables and several conversations overlapped one another so there was this constant chatter that seemed to fill the place. My thoughts came to an abrupt halt when my eyes caught Hail sitting alone at our usual table, scribbling furiously on a notebook while munching on an apple. She looked up, almost as though she knew someone was looking at her, but before she could catch me staring, I immediately averted my gaze. My eyes fell on Ryder's table.

The rest of the cafeteria fell away so that there was nothing but Ryder and a bunch of other seniors sitting around a table, laughing at something one of them had said

Even from where I was, I could almost pick out Ryders laughter from the noise as he threw a crumpled tissue paper at one of his friends. He looked so happy, laughing there with his friends and I felt my stomach clench at the sight. There he was laughing like everything was the same, when I couldn't even remember the last time I laughed for real. I felt Bellamy tug at me, (literally) pulling me out of my thoughts as he dragged me to stand in line. "You really need to work on that," he said without looking at me. "I'm sorry. On what?" "Every time you see him"-he grabbed a tray for both of us and handed me one of them as he looked me in the eye-"you get that look on your face." "What look?" He pointed at my face as we moved up the line. "The one that makes it so obvious you're desperate to be with him." I inhaled sharply. "I don't want to be with him." "Then you better stop looking at him like he's a gift from heaven itself," he snapped, the humor almost entirely gone in his voice now. "Just stop it." "I hate him, okay?" I said firmly, making sure we were looking eye to eye so he knew that I meant it. "I hate him and I don't want to be with him." "Then stop feeling sorry for yourself. You look at him and I can see it all over your face." He shook his head, never once looking away from me, and when he spoke again, his voice had grown soft. "It's not your loss,griffim. You need to tell yourself that it's not your loss." "You have no fucking right to tell me how I should feel when you don't even know me." For a moment, he just stared at me and I stared back, daring him to look away first, but he didn't. I had no idea what was going on in his head at that time, but I wasn't going to back down. After what felt like forever, he shifted, tilting his head to the side as his lips tugged into a barely there smile. "I say it's time we fix that, then."  
It wasn't like I ever thought about what it would be like to meet bellamys friends, but never in my life had I expected it to begin with a semi-violent "Hey, you"

I stared, slightly stunned, and looked at bellamy for a moment before turning back to the dark-haired guy pointing a finger at me, looking like whatever he was about to say next was a matter of utmost importance. "Me?" "How do you like your pasta: with red sauce or white sauce?" With an exaggerated sigh, bellamy rolled his eyes and leaned closer to mutter, "Don't answer him." Still, the guy looked at me with such determination that I couldn't help but say, "Um... white?" Half the people seated around the table clapped, but the dark-haired boy slumped back in his seat to, I presumed, sulk. Completely undeterred by this,bellamy set his tray on the table and placed a hand on the small of my back to nudge me forward. "Everyone," he said, "I'd like you to meet clarke" I had expected them to be more high strung, or at least snobbish, but all six faces looking up at me looked nothing but friendly. Thrilled, even. (Though the dark-haired Pasta Boy did seem to harbor some kind of bitterness towards me.) "Hi," the blonde said, gesturing to the seat next to her. "It's great to finally meet you. I'm Lexa" Even though I wasn't quite certain about what I should do, I found myself taking the seat she offered, putting my tray down on the table along with everyone else's. Bellamy slid in next to me. "So I'm guessing white sauce is winning?" "No thanks to her," Pasta Boy grumbled from the other end of the table. "Well," bellamy said, "if clarkelikes white, I'm going to go with that, too." "You don't even like pasta," the dark-haired boy replied, leaping out of his seat to point an accusing finger at bellamy I still wasn't sure what this was all about, but it seemed like an inside joke everyone already knew and asking would probably just remind them that I wasn't in on the joke, that I was an intruder who was supposedly sitting at a café in town, working on an assignment that wasn't due yet for days. Thankfully, I didn't have to ask, because as soon everyone finished telling me their names, bellamy turned to talk to me. "In case you were wondering, we have this unspoken tradition where we have informal debates over the most trivial things." Curious I raised an eyebrow at him

"Debates?" "Like the one Justin had just dragged you into," he replied. "You were supposed to say something to justify your choice,"lexa said, "but we can let it slide for now." "You're just saying that because she's on your side," the overly energetic Pasta Boy-Justin-muttered darkly under his breath. "Speaking of Italian food," said the guy who introduced himself as Warren earlier, "why don't we go and grab some pasta tomorrow?" I wasn't entirely sure if I was a part of this "we," so I chose to keep quiet as the others answered yes, that sounds great, let's go. They all began to pitch in other places to visit before and after eating, and while they were all trying to decide bellamy turned to look at me. "You free tomorrow?" For a second, I watched them bicker playfully and belatedly realized they had just begun another informal debate over some juice bar and a coffee shop, and I knew I wasn't really one of them. So even though I was, of course, free, I said, "I'm not sure" Bellamy opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, I was surprised to hear lexa say, "You have to come." "Of course she does," the half-Korean girl-Lily-said. "This is like, a welcoming dinner for her." "Oh." I turned to bellamy for reassurance, but he merely gave me in an impassive look. Everybody had shut up to look at me, waiting for my reply and I instinctively cleared my throat "Do you-uh-do you do this with all of Ryders other girls?" Rev the guy who sort of looked like a slightly older version of Jaden Smith in the new Karate Kid movie, said, "Sweethart you're the first one he actually bothered to introduce to us." "I doubt he even remembers half the other girls," lexa added, sparking a round of laughter from everyone. "Can we not?"bellamy gave his friends an unimpressed look. "At this rate, you'll scare her away" "The probability of contacting a sexually transmitted disease just by looking at you is enough to scare me away blake" One corner of his lips turned up into a smile. "I think it's too early in our relationship to talk about anything that involves sex, babe." "Last time I checked," I said"we weren't in any relationship at all" "Not yet"

 

"Don't keep your hopes up," I replied. "Oh, sweetheart." He shook his head and let out a laugh that sounded vaguely mocking. "Just you wait." Then almost out of nowhere,lexa suddenly reached over me to punch bellamy in the arm, making him lean away to rub the spot she hit. "If anything's going to scare clarke away," she said, "it's the fact that you're so full of yourself. Now shut up and don't ruin this because I really like this girl." "Hands off," he said warningly. "She's mine." I shook my head indignantly. "I am not." Lexa grinned at him. "At this rate, you really need to step up your game." The rest of the lunch period was spent with them finalizing details for tomorrow, as well as a few other conversations about bellamys past "conquests," as Dan, Lily's boyfriend, had called them. Bellamy mostly glowered over his food, telling them (quite a lot of times) to fuck off and talk about something else (which only encouraged them to keep making fun of him). I didn't talk much, but they made attempts at bringing me into the conversation, and none of them felt forced. It was like they genuinely liked having me sitting there with them. There were times when they'd bring up this inside joke, and I would remember that I didn't belong, but for the most part, it wasn't disastrous. It was, dare I say it, better than eating alone off-campus. "Oh, there was this one time when I drove my mom to the convenience store," Rev brought up when we were all done eating, "She was buying some marmalade or something. Then-" "Please don't," bellamy said, but was ignored. "Guess who happened to be buying condoms at the moment?"bellamy let out a groan. "Fuck you." "Oh my god," lexa said, laughing with the rest despite the disapproving look that made its way to her face. Even I, to be honest, couldn't help but laugh-really laugh-at that one. "Seriously?" I turned to bellamy for confirmation. He looked genuinely embarrassed, so even though he hadn't said yes, I already knew it was true. "The funny thing is that my mom thinks bellamys an angel," Rev added. "Imagine her surprise when she saw him paying for condoms."

"At least she knows you're not getting anyone pregnant," I offered, looking at bellamy "That you're... responsible." Bellamy gave me a withering stare. "Please stop. Just... stop." When lunch ended and everyone else had to leave, bellamy offered to walk me to my class. "That's not necessary," I told him. "It is because I'm supposed to be trying to impress you." "I'm sure I can jus talk to Rev's mom to get her impression of you." He winced at the reference, but didn't say anything as he led me to the corridor. I was still surprised at the way lunch had gone. I loved how his friends had picked on him that way-all frankness and no bullshit-and, as much as I didn't want to admit it, I had a good time. Also, I'd seen bellamy around other people, like those we met at the party, but he never looked as at home as he had in the past hour. It was like it was a completely different bellamy altogether, and even though I knew this wasn't entirely true, I also had a feeling that I'd seen a glimpse of who the real him was. "Are they always like that?" I asked him. "We usually make fun of Justin," he said. "But you were here today, so they decided to pick on me." "I wasn't the one who begged for me to eat with you," I reminded him, but I was actually happy that I had somehow inadvertently caused him a little trouble. "Is it true you never introduce anyone to them?" He reached up to rub the back of his neck and I was surprised to see a flash of guilt flicker across his face. "There was just no point with introductions." Then, more quietly, he said, "I never let them stay long enough for one." "And you wonder why I don't like you." I didn't mean for the words to come out as sharply as they did, but before I could take them back, he shook his head and let out a tired laugh that immediately filled me with a pang of guilt. "For the record," he said as the laughter died on his lips. "I see the reasons myself."


	8. Chapter 8

I knew my mother really did try to be home on the weekends as much as possible, but as I grew older it became increasingly clear that things between us just weren't the same anymore. I got used to the silence of the house regardless of whether or not she was home, and I hadn't let it bother me. I told myself I needed to be strong like her to stop depending on her because now she was carrying my weight alone without my father, and I needed to lessen that burden. So instead of waiting around for her to come home, I learned to do things on my own Ryders father was the one who taught me how to cook. They weren't formal lessons or anything, but sometimes, when I'd come over and find him cooking, I would hover around the kitchen and watch him, hoping he'd ask for my help (even if it was something as simple as washing the vegetables). When he wasn't home Ryder and I would try to recreate some of his dad's recipes, and even though ours never tasted quite as good, it was always better than ordering Chinese or getting burgers from Jim's. Over the years, I never let myself think that I should have learned this from Mom, or that I shouldn't have to have dinner at home alone on a Saturday. I never let myself think I needed her, because I didn't want to, and I didn't realize I'd let my anger simmer until I'd grown older. I let it engulf me, let it drift me farther apart from her if it meant that I didn't have to be disappointed whenever I cooked her favorite meal, only to find out she wasn't coming home for dinner. I learned to live by and I was fine with that. That Saturday, I wasn't completely surprised when I found the twenty-dollar bill sitting on the counter. I felt an odd sense of longing mixed with the anger, because she wasn't home, as usual, and she hadn't even left a note. Just a twenty-dollar bill that was supposed to fill my stomach. What she didn't know was that it will never be enough to fill the hollowness I always, always felt inside. Still, when I heard the doorbell ring I grabbed the bill and put it in my purse, thinking the least she could do is pay for my dinner I was about to eat with these semi-strangers

While lunch with Bellamy and his friends turned out okay I found myself worrying about having dinner with them tonight. Perhaps it had been a fluke the feeling of belongingness that I for some reason felt while I was with them, and who knew? Maybe tonight might only seem awkward and forced. Eating lunch with them yesterday brought upon a new wave of gossip among the student body by the end of the day. They had a name and a face to attach to "that girl" and at times, I could almost feel them looking at me like there was something they wanted to ask me Perhaps they wanted to know if the rumors were true but one of them asked straight out so I ignored them Ryder had been one of them I knew it from the look he'd given me in History when I walked in but I would die first before giving him the satisfaction of letting his stare bother me so I let him daring him to say something because I knew he wanted to. Only when Mr. Callahan walked in did he give up. With a disheartened sigh he turned away and opened his textbook to the day's lesson Ever since Bellamy had pointed that bit about me being sorry for myself, I had grown to be more conscious of the way I acted around Ryder. And as much as I hated to admit it Bellamy was right. Ever since the breakup I let myself think Ryder had taken away something from me; that he had left me with nothing when he walked away with my heart that night. And while it certainly felt that way I didn't want to be the pathetic girl who constantly pitied for herself for getting dumped. It's not my loss I told myself then. It's his loss. I'm his loss. Sure it might not be true but thinking about it this way made it easier for me to feel like he didn't matter all that much. It made me feel like I was the one with the upper hand and that I was the one walking away with everything when he said he wanted to break up with me. I hoped being with Bellamy would help with that. I hoped he would regret ever letting me go. I hoped he knew I could move on, really move on, and live a life without him.When the doorbell rang I opened the door to find Bellamy standing on the porch, a van parked idly on our driveway

The windows were rolled down so I could see the others waving at me. "You look good" he said taking a quick second to look at me and the dark green dress I decided to wear I wasn't going to return the compliment even though I thought his dark grey V-neck shirt suited him well I slipped out the door, making sure it was locked before turning to walk towards the van. "Well you're welcome by the way"Bellamy said as he fell into step with me"I was wearing this when he dumped me" I told him "Oh" There was a pause in which I tried my best not to look at him then he said "Well he must have been blind then. Or crazy." Whether he meant it or not I wasn't sure but I l didn't let myself dwell on the thought. He was after all still Bellamy Blake From the passenger seat Lexa gave me an enthusiastic wave her hand narrowly missing Warren who was sitting behind the steering wheel. He swatted her hand away but he was laughing and Lexa gave him a playful punch in the shoulder I wondered briefly if there was something going between the two of them but I didn't dare ask Bellamy and I slid into the seats at the back the ones that were placed vertically across the car instead of horizontally so we ended up facing each other "Dude" Justin said from the second seat dragging the word out so it sounded more like Duuude. "You will regret ever saying you like white sauce over red" "Ignore him"Bellamy said without even looking at his direction "Is that what you did when you bumped into Rev's mom? Ignore her?" Lily said with a snort. Her English was good but there was a slight accent to her words that revealed her Korean origins. In an attempt I assumed to change the topic Bellamy asked them where Dan was. "Oh he couldn't go because he had to work on something for a class" Lily told us. "He was supposed to do it last week but you know how he is" "Remember that one time when he worked hard to finish that essay he was doing on... was it about the Iliad?" Warren said from the front seat "Yes" everyone chorused almost as though they were jumping into the inside joke enthusiastic and cheerful already laughing before the punch line was even delivered

Bellamy slid his gaze over to mine and it was clear to me that this was something they had joked about a couple times and he was simply rehashing the events to let me see a glimpse of their friendship"So he crammed an essay at the last minute and he's trying to beat this twelve o'clock deadline they were given"Bellamys lips were already pulled into a smile and I found it distracting It put me off disarmed me so to say because it looked so real and genuine that it was hard to reconnect it with the one he usually wore at school Around his friends he was this person and as much as I didn't want to admit it he wasn't completely an asshole He seemed like a normal person-one who didn't flirt with different girls a every party one who didn't seem likely to get caught buying condoms at a convenience store one who wouldn't offer a girl to have a fake relationship with him-as he told me about Dan and his essay and how he managed to beat the deadline but failed to pass it because he mis-sent it to his ex-girlfriend"She was always too clingy" Lily wrinkled her nose in what seemed like disgust"She thought he was trying to get back with him through his essay" "She was making up all sorts of symbols from it convincing herself it was filled with hidden meanings and it was just Dan's way of saying he still loved her"Bellamy explained "She was that desperate after the breakup"I felt a little stab there even as the rest had moved on to pitch in more about the conversation and Bellamys smile immediately faded Quietly he said"I didn't mean it that way" just as the others erupted into laughter because of some joke "I'm not going to be that girl"I told him not quite able to look him in the eye. I clenched my fists and held them to my lap struggling to keep myself from lashing out at him"I'm not that desperate" But I sounded desperate at least to let him see how angry I was at Ryder for leaving me like that but I could hear how pathetic I sounded and it was only making me angrier At Ryder At Bellamy At myself "I know you're not"Bellamy murmured shaking his head in a vaguely apologetic gesture

"Sometimes you just make it really hard not to think so" I wasn't sure what to make of this but I couldn't even bring myself to come up with a reply when my thoughts were tangled into a mess of mixed emotions A part of me wanted to deny it while the other wanted to attack him for putting the truth or at least part of it under the spotlight so carelessly without even taking my feelings into consideration It wasn't really that I was mad at him for being so blunt but it just made me feel as though he was constantly shooting arrows at me picking my brain apart so meticulously it felt like he was seeing right through me. It made me feel like he had a free passage to my thoughts, and letting my guard down meant letting him see me in great detail under a microscope So I kept the walls up and for the rest of the ride the two of us remained quiet lexa and Justin were on yet another little debate involving some other kind of food when the van slowed to a stop Justin was the first one to get out of the car and everyone immediately followed suit Bellamy and I looked at each other for a moment before he decided to get out Instead of leaving to join the others who were already walking away however he turned to me and offered a hand. The gesture had taken me by surprise but some stubborn part of me refused to accept his help so I climbed out on my own The moment I climbed out though I lost balance I'd miscalculated the distance between the car floor and the ground so when I took a step it had taken me by surprise I would have fallen face-first if Bellamy hadn't caught me one arm instinctively wrapping around my waist His breath tickled of my neck and for some reason the warmth felt almost dizzying. I scrambled out of his grasp nearly stumbling again if I hadn't caught myself and turned to face him I knew my face was flushed but I let out a clipped thank you before turning to face the restaurant looming over us The red and green sign shone brightly overhead and in a bold white fancy script was the name Adelina with a small 1898 written underneath it. Suddenly I felt unsteady for a completely different reason altogether 

 

I thought back to all those nights when Dad and I would drive out here. He loved Italian food He loved it since he was a teenager when he once spent a whole year helping out with some distant relative's restaurant and since then he'd always loved Italian food. We would drive up here to eat when he was craving for some lasagna or pesto, and he always, always ordered a basket of garlic bread for us to share. "I'm sorry about what I said back there." I blinked snapping out of my thoughts of the past, and looked over my shoulder There were a lot of things that I expected of Bellamy blake but this wasn't one of them. He stood uncertainly behind me his eyes trained on the floor and hands shoved deep in his pockets and something about the way his shoulders were slumped told me that he was being sincere Biting my lower lip I took a deep breath and forced myself to say "It's fine." He eyes darted to mine "It's fine?" "Yeah" I replied "Come on" We followed the others into the restaurant and found that they were already seated at a table in the corner of the room I hadn't been here in years and I couldn't resist looking around the place. It hasn't changed much over the years and as my eyes swept over the room glimpses of my childhood flashed before my eyes. I saw the table by the leftmost corner of the room where Dad had always preferred to sit and I remembered how he'd give me the meatballs of his spaghetti just because he knew how much I loved them. The old-fashioned bell hanging by the door-the one customers were supposed to ring on their way out if they enjoyed their meal-and thought back to the way he'd hoist me up so I could reach for it. The sailboat painting displayed on the wall by the bar that he never got tired of looking at telling me over and over and over again that he had been friends with the woman who painted it. It felt weird to stand here in a place filled with memories of my past, and it was difficult to believe that it had been years since the last time I rang that bell "Everything all right?"Bellamy asked me slowing down to match my pace. Blinking I nodded and managed to say "Yes"

 

If the look on his face was any indication, he wasn't convinced but he didn't pry either"What I'm saying"Lexa was saying just as Bellamy and I arrived "is that the only proper way to eat pizza is by picking it up as it is Using forks and knives is out just of the question" "But what if it's this really high class restaurant?" Warren asked her looking nothing short of amused"It would make you look like someone without table manners." "So be it"Lexa replied "You can't name any situation that would make me change my mind on this" I heard Bellamy chuckle slightly prompting me look at him with a puzzled expression. He pulled out a chair and gestured for me to sit whispering"Lexa hates losing which is why she gets this fired up" "I could see that," I replied fighting the urge to smile. "What about dinner with the Queen of England?" Lily challenged Lexa just rolled her eyes"I'll only convince her I'm doing it right." Bellamy leaned forward a playful smile playing across his lips "What if" he said"your hands were dirty and there was no way for you to wash or clean them?" Lexa opened her mouth as if she was already prepared with a retort but then she closed it and thought about it for a while. She got this unpleasant expression on her face for a while and everyone waited until finally she let out a frustrated groan. "Fine. Then, I'll eat pizza with a fork and a knife," she said before glaring at Bellamy"I fucking hate you, you know that? I really do." Bellamy just laughed, shaking his head as he straightened in his seat and I found myself watching him, almost transfixed because somehow I felt as though I could almost see what all those other girls could have seen in a player like Bellamy blake So it wasn't a fluke. Dinner had been comfortable and fun much like lunch had been yesterday They talked to me like it was the most natural thing in the world; like I wasn't just some girl they recently met, and for a moment, I let myself believe that I made the right decision when I agreed to go with them if only because I missed this having someone to talk to over meals "So I walked out of the cubicle" 

 

Lexa was telling us almost unconsciously making waving her hands around "and there I see this guy peeing right there and I began screaming my head off, throwing stuff at him all the while accusing him of being a pervert, and god it was so fucking embarrassing." "How-how on earth could you not have known it was the boys' bathroom?" Rev asked her. "I mean, you should have seen the urinals first thing after walking in." "I was drunk." "The real question is"Bellamy said leaning over the table to look her better in the eye "How big was his penis?" From across the table, Warren, who happened to be drinking a glass of water, started coughing violently. "Jesus Christ Bellamy"Lexas cheeks were flaming but this didn't stop her from glaring defiantly at Bellamy "Why do you ask? Are you planning to give him some of those condoms you bought?" A laugh escaped my lips prompting Bellamy to narrow his eyes at me"Oh, you find this funny?" I fought back a smile lifting my shoulder in a slight shrug. "You did walk right into that one" "Like Lexa did when she walked into the boys' bathroom" Lily interjected, sparking up another round of laughter. I couldn't help it. It just seemed so easy to be here with them. I knew they were practically strangers and I was just some girl who had been given the chance to tag along with them but at that moment, I felt almost as though there was nowhere else I'd rather be Halfway through dessert, I excused myself to go to the bathroom and I was surprised when Lexa and Lily stood up and offered to come with me. "Make sure it's the girls' bathroom you're walking into"Bellamy told us. Lexa groaned but decided not to take on the bait. Instead she just grabbed me by the crook of my elbow and said "Let's just go." I wasn't entirely sure how I'd manage talking to Bellamys friends without him around and I couldn't stop myself from looking him over my shoulder as the girls swept me with them. My eyes locked with his and his face broke into a reassuring smile "We're really glad you came today" Lily said as we walked towards the restroom. "I know you're not yet going out with that idiot yet"

"Lexa jumped in before I could reply "but it's been a while since the last time he'd ever taken a girl seriously and we're just so happy you're not like the other girls." I opened my mouth to speak but then my eyes caught on something. At first my mind had refused to process the sight of my mother sitting there chin resting on top of her clasped fingers She was still in her work clothes but her hair had been shook out of her usual updo and a relaxed smile plastered across her face. What caught my attention most, however was the sparkle in her eyes. I stopped walking as abruptly as my mind had stopped working. The sudden pause made Lexa and Lily turn to me with worried glances asking me if I was all right, but their voices sounded muffled. It was like my other senses had shut down so that I was entirely focused on my mother and the guy she was sitting with Perhaps he was a client I tried to tell myself or a workmate or just a friend who she happened to bump into but no matter how many excuses I could think of the glimmer in her eyes told me it was something more than just a work-related matter. "What's wrong?" I heard Lexa say again but I couldn't muster a reply. Before I knew it I was disentangling myself from Lexa and Lily to walk over to where she was seated. She didn't notice me until I was standing right next to their table probably too entranced by her date, and when she looked up it was almost satisfying to see her do a double-take. She sat back removing her elbows from the table and accidentally knocked a glass of water. It spilled across the white tablecloth, but she grabbed the glass before it had a chance to roll off the table "Hi" I said and found myself giving her a smile that was anything but happy. "Finished work early?" "Clarke" For a quick second her eyes darted to the man she was having dinner with then she looked back at me. She cleared her throat and removed the napkin on her lap placing on the table before rising from her seat. "Let's talk outside." She excused herself from her date before putting a hand on my shoulder almost as if to lead me out, but I shook her off and walked ahead of her

As soon we were out the door she said "This isn't what you think it is-" "Oh its not?" I snapped whirling around to look at her. I could almost feel emotions rising up at the back of my throat igniting my words and sending them out in a fiery outburst. "I have spent the last few years eating dinner alone and telling myself it's fine because you're working and you're busy and the least I can do is stay out of your fucking way and now you're here"-I threw my hands up in the air-"and I find you eating out here with that man. Tell me, what am I supposed to think, Mom?" "I was going to tell you about him" she said and I hated her for not raising her voice for being so calm when I could hardly contain my anger "You were going to tell me?" I spat out feeling the bitterness clawing at my words"How would you when you hardly even talk to me Mom?" "Clarke I know you're upset-" "Of course, I'm fucking upset!" I walked right up to her keeping my eyes on hers without once daring to look away. Trying to keep my voice even and firm I said, "You hardly come home. You hardly ever talk to me. Last week you even asked me how Ryder and I are doing." I barked out a laugh"We broke up weeks ago Mom." She blinked, taking a step back as she shook her head "Why didn't you tell me?" "I did," I said, my voice breaking at the second word"I did tell you." "I'm sorry." Her voice grew quiet as her eyes softened. "It's just that I've been so busy-" "Having dinner with your boyfriend?" At this her eyes snapped to mine, and it was almost satisfying to see the spark of anger in her eyes. "I can have dinner with whomever I want clarke. I am a grown woman and I am capable of making decisions without consulting my teenage daughter first." "Well that explains why you never talk to me." "Clarke stop making this difficult" she said. "I wasn't sure how to tell you because I know you and I knew you would react this way" "You know me?" I scoffed shaking my head in disbelief. "You have no fucking right to say you know me when you hardly even know half the shit I'm going through." She opened her mouth to retaliate but I've had enough

I could feel my chest rising and falling, and suddenly all I wanted was to get away from her. I took a step back, and before the words could even come out of her mouth, I was already shaking my head. "You know what?" I said. "I hope you had a nice time." "Clarke-" I ignored her calls for me to wait, we're not done talking, come back here I continued to storm away I walked back into the restaurant in a hurry pushing past the door and maneuvering my way through the tables as quickly as I could. I didn't let myself slow down until I got to our table Bellamy stood up the moment he saw me. "Hey" I noticed him look over my shoulder and when I followed his gaze I saw my mother walking through the door her eyes roaming the restaurant to find me I looked away before our eyes could meet I knew there was no way I could face her. There was no way I could force myself to breathe the same air she was breathing. And perhaps it was a momentary lapse of reason; a decision made entirely on impulse, but at the time I didn't care. I just wanted to get away from her. So when I looked back at Bellamy I found myself saying seven words I never thought I'd ever say to Bellamy blake"Can I crash at your place tonight?


	9. Chapter 9

"So, this is home." Light spilled across the room and Bellamy took a step back to open the door wider gesturing for me to come in For a second I couldn't make my feet move but I forced myself to step in "Is... is anyone home?"Bellamy shook his head as he ushered me in closing the door and locking it behind us For a second the two of us just stood there awkwardly not quite sure what to do next and I took it as an opportunity to look around the living room It looked immaculate almost as though it was way too clean. It looked straight out of a catalogue-all shiny and clean and completely impersonal. There were no framed pictures no crayon drawings no watermark rings on the glass table perched atop the dark brown carpet. It was like seeing a house that was set up to be bought displayed to look perfectly furnished to entice people into buying their new perfect home. It looked empty My eyes slid over to Bellamy and I realized, then that there was honestly so little I knew about him. We were basically strangers, two people who didn't even like each other that much, and there I was, standing in the living room for a fucking sleepover Bellamy cleared his throat. "Make yourself at home" He looked around uncertainly before saying "Wait here. I'll go see if I have clothes that'll fit you" When I asked him if I could stay over, I kind of expected something different like him sneaking me up to his room the two of us tiptoeing past his parents' room so they wouldn't wake up. I didn't quite expect to see a house that felt emptier than mine. It was such a big change from Ryders house which was almost always filled with these little souvenirs they'd gotten over all sorts of trips giving the decors this mismatched quality to them. Perhaps that could be chalked up to the fact that there wasn't actually anyone who took the time to decorate-not since his mother left-and Ryder and his dad just never really bothered In all honesty, I liked it. I liked how being in their house and seeing all their mismatched furniture and decors was like seeing a glimpse of their life, and now, looking around this seemingly perfect house too bare and too pristine

suddenly occurred to me that perhaps Bellamy and I might not be so different after all He came back with some clothes and a neatly folded towel"Shower's up there" he said, handing the folded pile to me "Come on I'll show you up" The rest of the house looked as neat and organized as the living room. There were no signs of disarray anywhere and the only frames hanging on the cream colored walls were of paintings There were no pictures of him or his family no signs that anyone actually lived here When I couldn't take it any longer I finally asked "Where's everybody else?" My voice sounded too loud in the empty house and even though he told me no one was home I couldn't help but feel as though someone might hear me"It's just me and my mom"Bellamy replied"She's away for work right now She won't be back 'till Monday" There was no hint of worry in his voice and I wondered if I was only overthinking things through Maybe they just liked keeping their home organized or maybe it was newly furnished. Whatever it was I figured I should stop trying to analyze his life by what their house looked like so I pushed the thought away. He came to an abrupt halt as he pushed open the door at the end of the hallway "Are you sure you don't want me to join you?" he said his lips stretching into a mischievous smirk I fought the urge to roll my eyes as I pushed past him to go into the bathroom. "I'd never been more certain about anything my whole life." He shook his head and laughed. "I'll be right downstairs if you change your mind." Bellamys shirt was too big on me, but the material was soft and worn and comfortable so I wasn't complaining. The drawstring shorts were slightly worse as I had to yank them up every now and then to keep them from slipping off. Still I figured I could manage. I wrapped my wet hair in the white towel he lent me before leaving the bathroom. On my way back to the stairs I passed by a door I managed to miss earlier. On the door hung three wooden letters SAM in light blue

It was the first decoration I'd seen here that actually seemed the slightest bit personal looking completely out of place in the cream-and-mocha motif every room in the house seemed to follow I suspected that "SAM" was a name, but I had entirely no idea who he or she could be I resisted the urge to open the door and check inside and went straight for the stairs instead I still wasn't sure if I made the right decision to suddenly stay here when I barely even knew Bellamy Blake Back then I would have gone to Ravens or Ryders but seeing as I wasn't in good terms with either of them I couldn't exactly show up on their doorsteps looking for a place to sleep in Try as I might I couldn't deny the fact that Bellamy was pretty much the closest thing I had to a friend and even though staying here alone with him went against all reason my desperation easily overshadowed my rationality I found Bellamy sitting on the living room couch He was hunched over something too engrossed with whatever he was doing to notice me arrive I peered over his shoulder in an attempt to find out what he was busy with and I was stunned to realize that he was drawing"Is that a rose?" "Jesus" he said jumping a little as he snapped the sketchpad close. He stood up clutching it to his side, and looked at me accusingly"You scared the crap out of me" I raised an eyebrow finding his behavior slightly amusing"You never told me you drew." "I'm..." He paused, eyes darting to the sketchpad he was holding, and cleared his throat. "I'm not really that good." "Can I see?" I said, already stretching my hand out but he inched it away from me and vehemently shook his head "Are you feeling better?" he said instead, and something about the way he said told me he was trying to change the topic. "I'm all right" I replied without looking at him. I walked over to the couch grabbing the remote on top of the glass table, and took a seat I thought the TV would distract him enough to stop pushing the topic so I turned it on "Will you tell me what happened back there?" he said as he eased into the seat next to mine"I'd rather not"

 

I replied absently flipping through the channels in case I found something interesting I stopped when I came across a rerun of How I Met Your Mother "Talking about it might make you feel better" he insisted "I'm fine" "One does not simply ask for a fucking sleepover if nothing's wrong" he countered without missing a beat I looked away from the TV screen long enough to glare at him"Stop forcing me to talk about myself when you hardly talk about yourself" "Then let's talk" he suddenly suggested sounding just the slightest bit annoyed"If that's what it takes for you to open the fuck up then let's talk" I studied him taking in his pursed lips and determined stare When I asked him if he'd let me crash at his place earlier he had simply taken a look at my panicked expression and agreed without really asking me why and I figured he decided not to bring it up at all I guess I was wrong. "Let's play a game" he suggested. "A game?" "We get to ask ten questions each" "This is ridiculous" I said quickly looking away before his piercing blue eyes could actually impair my ability to think straight. I looked back at the screen instead, but my mind wouldn't fully process what was happening between Robin and Ted on the TV "Ten questions"Bellamy insisted. "A give and take." My head snapped to his direction"Why do you want to know me so much Blake?" "If we're in this together" he said "then I'm not going to do a half-assed job at fake dating I wasn't kidding when I said I wanted to get to know you so please stop being stubborn about this" I looked at him for a long time letting myself seriously consider his offer, and as much as I hated to admit it he was right If we were going to fake a relationship it wouldn't work if we didn't really know each other that much  
The offer was tempting-he was so closed-off, so secretive in his own way and my curiosity was burning even stronger now that I'd seen his house and realized that Bellamy might not be who I thought he was

 

"Ten questions" I finally said more to myself than him It seemed like a lot and for someone who didn't like letting other people see past my own mask the number was terrifying He nodded and quietly echoed, "Ten questions" "What if I don't want to answer a question?" "Then you can pass" he replied shaking his head a little as if to tell me he wasn't entirely sure letting me know that he was just answering whatever came into his thoughts"For every pass we use, the other gets another question" I stared at him weighing the pros and cons of the situation He stared back patiently waiting for me to come up with a decision and I let myself really think about it making sure I wasn't going to get the short end of the stick My mind was screaming for me to say no, but after what felt like forever, I forced myself to say "Fine" As soon as the word slipped out, I wanted to take it back and tell him I changed my mind, but before I could say anything he was already standing up"I'll need a drink if I'm going through this" When he asked if I wanted anything, I said I'd take a beer too As soon as he was out of sight I let out a sigh closing my eyes and resting my head against the couch It wasn't that I was tired really but I felt as though a lot of things had happened, and when I agreed to play this "game" with him I knew I was setting myself for an even longer night He came back with two bottles of beer They were chilled at just the right temperature and while I generally didn't like beer I needed something to unwind me enough to be willing to talk "I'll go first" I said He plopped down on the other end of the couch grabbing the remote from me to turn the TV off plunging us both in silence before turning to me I took a deep breath trying to figure out where to start I didn't actually have a question in mind yet but the thought of letting him go first was still too terrifying for me so I absentmindedly volunteered. I looked around their spotless living room once again reminded of how hollow it seemed of how similar it was to my house

Sure our house didn't seem as bare as this one, but the same air of silence filled the house and I found myself saying"You said it's just you and your mother here" I tried to gauge his reaction but he was careful not to show one. Quietly. I said "Where's your dad?" Without looking at me, he replied "New York" There was an undercurrent to his words and while I couldn't figure out what that meant I knew it was there and something was up He took a swig of his beer wincing just the slightest bit as he gulped it down, and added "He moved there a few years back. Around four, five years ago" I waited for something more an explanation that would shed more light on his relationship with him but instead he shifted and turned to me. "My turn" he said I waited for his question bracing myself for the worst, but when he finally asked, "What happened back there?" I still found myself fumbling for a reply I didn't know where to start or how I could even explain it to him so I was grateful that he didn't try to rush me. He sat there, studying me in an almost placid manner willingly giving me the time to compose the words and rearrange my thoughts first Finally I began with "Adelina was my dad's favorite restaurant" I paused trying to gather enough willpower to continue and forced myself to say "He died when I was eight." His eyes snapped to mine. I bit down on my lower lip to keep it from quivering I looked down at the bottle in my hand watching as beads of condensation ran down the length of the glass I let my fingers go numb from the coldness of it as if that would make the rest of me numb too I swallowed past the lump in my throat and forced myself to continue. "The thing is ever since he died, my mom and I had avoided eating there" I swallowed trying to get past the lump in my throat and when I did, I told him about how things between me and mom were how she had thrown herself completely into her work and how the argument earlier had gone down. "I don't know" I said "It sounds childish but when I saw her eating there with a man I... I just lost it" I shook my head

 

"I can't even remember the last time we had dinner together and there she was eating with someone else, and it's like now I can't help but wonder if she had been out on dates on all those days where I had to eat on my own" I hadn't planned on telling him that much, but was right when he said talking would make me feel better As soon as I began the words just kept pouring out of me When I was done, he just sat there without saying anything. I couldn't tell what he was thinking about, but there was a distant look in his eyes. "Forget it" I told him. "I told you it was stupid." "It's not." He shook his head, turning to look at me I took in a sharp breath when his eyes settled on mine with a sincerity that caught me off guard. "It's not stupid My mom's pretty much the same" I wanted to ask him what he meant by that, but I held myself back worried he might decide to count it as my second question. Thankfully I didn't have to ask anything because he was already speaking again "She's always busy with work so she's hardly around. And even when she is, it's like she might as well be somewhere else" I never would have thought Bellamy and I would even me mildly similar but he had proven me wrong, and for a moment I just stared at him. He sent me a wry smile. "Your turn" The smile on his face looked so unfamiliar that I couldn't help but feel like I was seeing a completely different Bellamy altogether and I became painfully aware of the fact that playing this "game" might be just as difficult to him as it was for me. I bit down on my lower lip focusing on the brown carpet on the floor. I knew I should be more careful with my questions from now on but there was no proper way to ask my next one so I decided I should just come right out and say the words "Are your parents separated?" He let out a low whistle and I cringed hesitantly lifting my gaze to his I expected him to be angry and I was relieved to see that he wasn't Giving me a wry smile he said "Jumping right to it, aren't you?" "I'm sorry" I murmured. He nodded, as if to say I was forgiven, and the smile slowly slipped off his face  
"They're not legally separated yet" he said

 

"but things between them aren't exactly good." I listened attentively, watching him and feeling as though I was seeing him in a new light, and I was suddenly sorry for prying into his business, even though he was the one who suggested it in the first place. "Dad moved to New York because of his job" he continued, examining his beer with a distant expression on his face. "He wanted all of us to go there, but Mom wanted to stay for her job. Things were okay for a while." He never once looked up from the carpet, keeping his eyes hooded so it was hard for me to read the expression on his face. "Then two years ago, they started to drift apart." My throat went dry upon hearing the way his voice started to waver. I knew it must have been a struggle for him to talk about this, but I couldn't help myself. "What happened?" He raised his eyes to look at me. "My sister died." I inhaled sharply "Mom never really said it out loud but she blames Dad," he continued. His voice had gradually grown quieter, giving his words a lulling quality to them, and when a smile that can only be classified as sad crossed his face, I couldn't help but hold my breath and suppress the urge to reach out to him. "She started to fight him more until things eventually got worse." "I didn't even know you had a sister," I managed to say, my voice catching somewhere in the middle of the sentence. "I'm sorry." He threw his head back to take another gulp of his beer before speaking again. "Her name was Octavia She was eighteen when she and her boyfriend got into a car accident." I was at a loss for words and I resorted to watching him instead, trying to read beyond the expression on his face; trying to see traces of what he must have been feeling at that moment. "She was living in New York with Dad for college," he continued. "I hadn't seen her in person for three months when it happened. Suddenly, she was just... gone"   
At that moment Bellamy Blake had suddenly seemed younger

 

It was like he was reverting back to being his sister's little brother younger and more naïve someone who was used to having someone to rely on There was nothing left of the Bellamy blake with the fake smiles and sarcastic retorts no traces of the confidence that always seemed to hang around him. "Shit started to slip and..." He trailed off, and for a moment, he just sat there without saying anything. He took a deep breath swallowed, and turned to look at me. "My Mom is cheating on him." I couldn't say anything for a long while, too sunned to come up with anything. The worn smile on his lips faded and suddenly I found myself repainting the image I had of Bellamy in my mind. Softly, I said, "I'm sorry." He looked down, nodding, and I could see his sadness in the way he tried to smile. "Yeah." He brought his beer to his lips and threw his head back, finishing the rest in one big gulp. "I am, too."


	10. Chapter 10

I woke up to what must have been the most uncomfortable position known to mankind but I felt so exhausted I wouldn't have minded falling back to sleep Until I felt something stir beside me. I woke up with a start almost as if somebody had just poured a bucket of ice cold water over me,. I sat up hitting something hard with my elbow which immediately elicited an unsuspecting groan My eyes snapped to the direction of the voice as I inched back instinctively. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be and I ended up rolling off the couch instead I let out a loud a shriek falling with a muffled thump on the carpet floor.. "Shit." I heard Bellamy croak out followed by some rustling as he sat up to peer down at me. "Are you okay?" Trying to ignore the soreness of my joints I pushed myself up to a sitting position one hand rubbing the spot where my right elbow hit the floor. I looked around the room blinking the grogginess away as I tried to get a hold of my bearings. I was more than just slightly disoriented and the fact that I'd just fallen off a fucking couch wasn't helping with the whole where the hell am I dilemma I was facing. Before I could fully figure it out however Bellamy started to snicker. "What?" I snapped. It was either he didn't know I was pissed or he simply didn't care because he didn't bother holding back his laughter. "You-you should have seen your-face." I gave him a withering look. "Good to know one of us finds this funny." "You gotta admit. It was pretty funny." I looked at him warningly. "How about I push you off that couch and you tell me how funny it is?" He had enough sense to straighten in his seat and bite down on his lower lip to keep himself from laughing. I couldn't remember falling asleep last night, so we must have fallen asleep without noticing. I tried to recall as much as I could about the night before, and I was surprised when the memories came to me with a clarity so sharp all the grogginess immediately disappeared. We didn't get to finish our "game," but we agreed to just keep count on our questions. I already asked two questions and it was his turn next

I remembered the things he had told me about him and his family last night and the thoughts somehow sobered me up, so when I found Bellamy failing to hold back his laughter any longer, I couldn't really bring myself to really be mad at him I had to admit: if he was the one who had pathetically fallen on his butt, I would have laughed too, so instead of picking a fight with him, I said, "Where's the kitchen?" "The kitchen?" He looked up at me, his eyebrows creasing together "What are you going to do in the kitchen?" "Look for a knife so I could stab you thrice." He gave me a horrified look and I wasn't sure if I'd just imagined it but he might have tried to inch away from me I snorted. "I'm going to cook breakfast idiot." "Oh." He visibly relaxed, a smile slipping back onto his face. "I have an idea" I gave him a wary look, his sudden enthusiasm suddenly making me feel uneasy. With a grin that was way too bright and way too cheerful for ten o'clock on a Sunday morning he said, "Let's go on a picnic." --- "Tell me," I said looking around the kitchen in awe, "is your mom actually Martha Stewart?" "If Martha Stewart can't even crack an egg to save her life"Bellamy replied "then yes" I stood uncertainly by the doorway gawking at the cupboards and ovens and the various cooking equipment I'd only ever seen in those cooking shows my Dad loved to watch on his days off Bellamy started rummaging through one of the larger cabinets and protruded a medium-sized picnic basket He dusted it off a little then presented it to me along with a wide grin I crossed my arms over my chest. "I still haven't agreed to that crazy idea of yours Blake" "It's not like we have something better to do" The moment he had suggested for us to have a picnic I said no I just didn't see the point of going out to eat something you can easily eat in the comfort of your own house and truth be told I'd rather stay indoors. "It's going to be fun" he insisted when he saw the look on my face. "Come on Don't you miss going on picnics?" "I never went on one" "What?" He placed the basket atop the counter, walking closer to where I was standing "You've never been on a picnic?"

 

I shook my head. "Oh" It was clear he hadn't expected that if the slightly lost expression on his face was any indication but then he quickly recovered and a smile immediately made its way to his face. "Oh griffin" he said "what would you do without me?" Before I could even say anything he was already turning away He opened the fridge and started to grab all sorts of stuff from it piling them on his arm and setting them down on the counter with practiced ease then he grabbed a green mixing bowl and a metal whisk humming a song I didn't recognize under his breath as he moved around the kitchen with a sense of purpose With a resigned sigh I grabbed the apron hanging on the side of the fridge. "Fine Let's do this thing." The way he reacted, you would have thought he just won a million dollars. I wasn't sure what dishes would be appropriate for a picnic but I decided to just wing it and go with some egg rolls. (No one could go wrong with egg rolls) I found a knife and chopping board and immediately set out to mincing some red and green bell peppers I was surprised to find that their fridge was completely stocked with almost everything. I expected it to be empty considering how it felt as though nobody lived in here but then again an empty fridge probably wouldn't be as picture-perfect as a well-stocked one "How" he said after a while, "do you do that?" When I looked up I found him eyeing the chopping board with wide eyes"Do what?" "Chop so fast" he replied "Like the way people do on Iron Chef" "Oh." I shook my head and looked away, focusing back on the task at hand"The knife's just really sharp." "Probably not the best thing to say when you've just threatened me to stab me thrice." I let out a laugh, shaking my head a little. "I don't feel like getting arrested so you can relax a little." "That's what they all say" was his immediate reply. "You're just waiting for me to let my guard down." "What are you making anyway?" I asked him craning my neck to get a better look of what he was vigorously mixing. "Waffles," he replied "What else are we going to make?" I asked him. "Maybe some sandwiches?" "I'll help you when I'm done with these"

We continued to work in amiable silence save for his low humming and the thumps and clinks from the utensils we were using. Every now and then I'd have to ask him where some of the ingredients were kept and as much as I didn't really want to admit it, I was feeling more relaxed than I had ever been in days Maybe it was the fact that I was cooking something I'd always enjoyed doing and that this kitchen was impossibly gorgeous. Whichever it was I found myself smiling and laughing whenever he said something funny throwing back witty retorts with each sarcastic jab. When he washed his hands a few minutes later he splashed some of the excess water from his fingers to my face forcing me to retaliate by grabbing a carrot and haphazardly throwing it at him My aim was horrible but he ducked anyway"Hey that would have hurt" he complained walking over to where the carrot had pathetically landed to pick it up. "That was kind of the point Sherlock" "Then again" he said his lips tugging into a small smirk "You have horrible aim" I stuck my nose up in the air in mild defiance. "I missed on purpose." "Of course you did" he said "How else could anyone miss by, what was that, four feet? No wait I think it was five" "It was the carrot's fault" "The carrot" he said, and I could tell that he was trying not to smile "It was the carrot's fault" I flushed. "Shut up" I let my hair hide my blush as I kept my eyes low, concentrating way too hard on the egg I was cooking. I felt him staring at me l and while I was determined to pretend not to notice at first I couldn't ignore it for so long I looked up locking eyes with him "What?" He shrugged and looked away smiling ever so slightly "Nothing." "What?" I all but screeched at him "I was just thinking," he replied without looking at me "that it's really nice to see this side of you"   
As soon as we finished preparing the food Bellamy ushered me up the stairs, saying he'll finish preparing the rest of our stuff while I showered I expected him to hand me more of his clothes but he surprised me when he came to a halt in front of octavias room

looked at him in time to see him take a deep breath as if to brace himself before reaching for the doorknob. "I think some of O's stuff might fit you" he explained The room must have been kept the way it was before she died There were posters of bands stuck on the walls and a large corkboard filled with more pictures and notes pinned up by the bed Different papers and pens were strewn across the top of the study table and a small pile of unfolded clothes were shoved on top of a worn beanbag chair Everywhere there were telltale signs of someone having lived here-a small stain of pink nail polish on the floor a jacket haphazardly hung on the handles of the cabinet a book with a bookmark pressed between the pages perched atop the bedside drawer It was so messy it was like I wasn't even in bellamys house with the clean organized rooms anymore I was about o say something to Bellamy but when I saw the expression on his face I stopped His eyes swept across the room deliberately slow lingering for a second too long on the corkboard There was a wistful look on his face as he took everything in and I had a feeling that he didn't usually open her room "She had always been such a slob" he muttered walking over to the vanity cabinet by the window He picked up a half-empty bottle of perfume pausing, before quietly adding "I don't remember ever seeing her clean her room" I walked closer to the corkboard to get a better look of the things posted there I found a picture of Bellamy with a girl who looked a little like a female version of him Bellamy was taller than her but she had her arm over his shoulders and the two of them wore identical grins "Was this her?"

Her hair was the same shade of light brown almost as Bellamys and her eyes crinkled exactly like the way his did whenever he smiled bellamy moved so that he was standing right behind me Even without touching I could feel his warmth as if his very presence was enough to remind me of his proximity"That girl" he said a hint of annoyance in his voice. "I'd been looking for this picture everywhere I distinctly remember having this in my room until it magically disappeared." I couldn't quite keep my eyes off her as if there was something about her that just drew me in "What was she like?" I asked him I felt him shake his head. "I can't even find the right word to describe her." "Try," I insisted. He didn't say anything for a long while making me wonder if he had no plans of answering at all, but then he began with"I was this scrawny little kid when I was in grade school and... do you know Steve what's-his-name? The one with the uni-brow?" I vaguely remembered a Steve with a uni-brow from kindergarten. "Yes?" "Well he used to bully me a lot then," he continued. "He would always take my sandwich or lunch money. Trip me in the school bus. The likes." I tried to picture a younger version of Bellamy scrawny and skinny and probably awkward. I couldn't however really imagine him without his confidence, scrawny or not. He didn't seem like the type to get bullied. "One time, octavia caught him trying to corner me in the park." Even without turning to look, I had a feeling there was a smile on his face as he talked. "Steve was way taller than her, but she just appeared out of nowhere and stepped between the two of us, telling him to 'bug off.'" At this, he laughed a little. "Did he leave?" "Not at first," he replied. "But when he tried to take a step forward, she grabbed his arm and suddenly bit his arm." I couldn't help but laugh a little too. "Wow." "So I guess that's the kind of person she is." "The kind that bites the arms of unsuspecting bullies?" "Pretty much." We looked at the pictures for a little while longer

 

We looked at the pictures for a little while longer He told me the story behind some of them-like the one taken on her high school graduation, or the one taken when they'd taken a family trip to the Philippines-and I found myself enjoying the tour he was giving me of his past. When we were done we decided to finally look for clothes I could wear "Are you sure it's okay for me to wear her stuff?" I asked bellamy feeling as though I was trespassing on some stranger's property because I'd never even met this person and here I was borrowing clothes from her "It's fine" he said sifting through the clothes hanging in her closet "It's not like I can wear any of her stuff" "Technically" I told him pulling out a particularly pink and frilly dress to align it with his body "you can." He took it from me and held it up to his frame. "How do I look?" He put his free hand on his hip striking a ridiculous pose along with an exaggerated fierce expression I burst out laughing. "Your pout will bring all the boys to the backyard." "I think I deserve an award for being so fabulous" he said. "You're impossible." He put the dress back where I'd gotten it, telling me the story behind it. It was, he said an inside joke between her and her friends. "She was kind of boyish so anything pink and lacey and frilly was something you'd never expect to see in her wardrobe." "They gave it to her?" "She wore it for Halloween four years ago." Just as he said this he pulled out a white sundress from the closet. It was simple, but the moment I saw it, I knew we found the right dress. I took it from him examining it from all angles to make sure it was going to fit me, and I was happy to see that we were about the same size. "It's been a while since I last talked about her" he said as we put everything else back in her closet. "It's... weird. I kind of thought I'd already forgotten about all the things that made her her." I looked at him, taking in the faint smile on his face, and I found myself saying, "She sounds awesome." "Yeah" he said, sliding his gaze over to mine to offer me a real genuine smile. "She really was"

 

I thought back to what he had told me earlier in the kitchen and while I would never admit it in a million years, I liked seeing this other side of him as well. "I am not getting on that thing." I stared at the bicycle sitting on the driveway before looking back at bellamy who was beaming enthusiastically at me. "But we're having a picnic," he insisted. "What, exactly, does a bicycle have to do anything with a picnic?" "Well, you know," he began but couldn't quite continue what he was saying. I raised an eyebrow, waiting, even though I knew he didn't really have an answer to that. Still, he tried. "It's the only way you can fully appreciate the whole thing." Unconvinced, I simply looked at him. "I honestly don't see how that works." "It will give you the whole picnic experience," he reasoned, stubborn as usual. He grabbed the picnic basket and placed it on the wire mesh container on the handlebar. "Trust me." "No." I stood my ground, crossing my arms over my chest. "Let's just take your car." "What is it with you disagreeing on everything I say?" "I just don't like bikes," I said, wishing I didn't sound as pathetic as I felt. "Don't tell me you don't know how to ride one." He said it like he didn't expect for it to be real, but upon seeing the look on my face, realization finally dawned on him. "You have got to be kidding me." A memory of me trying to ride a bike when I was younger resurfaced, something that only resulted to scraped elbows and bleeding knees, and no matter how many times I tried, I just never got the hang of it. Eventually, I gave up and decided it just wasn't my thing. "Look," he said,, "You just have to sit back there and hold on tight." "Or we can take your car," I suggested. "Come on griffin" He grabbed the bike and pushed it closer to where I was standing. "I promise I won't let us crash." "That sounds like it came straight out of a cheesy rom-com." "Maybe it did," he said with a slight shrug. "I'm not sure." I eyed the bike uncertainly, trying not to think back to that one time when I crashed into a tree and ended up with a sprained ankle

 

When I looked up to see the hopeful expression on his face, I said, "You're never going to let this go, are you?" "Nope," he replied. After much consideration, I let out a sigh and resigned myself to his irrational logic about this whole picnic-bicycle thing. "If we get hurt," I warned him, "you are so going to pay." His lips tugged into a wide grin. "I don't break my promises, griffin."


	11. Chapter 11

I nearly fell off the bike in my rush to get off it. My heart was still hammering loudly against my ribcage and even though I hadn't been the one doing all the cycling, I had to struggle to catch my breath. "I," I declared, "am never going to ride that thing again."Bellamy much to my disdain, simply looked amused even as I continued to glare at him. "It's just a bicycle griffin I wasn't even going that fast." "Yes, you were," I said, still recalling that steep slope we had to get through to get here. The bike had grown faster and faster as we went down and I could have sworn we were going to hit something-a tree, a lamppost, a fellow biker-so I ended up closing my eyes and tightening my hold on him. The collision never happened, but it might as well have. It wasn't just the actual crash that I was worried about; it was the possibility itself. The mere thought, I confirmed, was already enough to tire me out Bellamy didn't bother to hide the fact that he enjoyed seeing my misery. He just stood there, looking at me with that infuriating ever amused smile before saying, "Your hair." "What?" Instinctively, I reached up to smooth it out, but before I could even begin to untangle it, he reached out and suddenly ruffled it even further. "Hey!" I ducked out of his reach, but it wasn't really hard for him to reach over and continue his assault. Knowing my efforts were futile, I stopped trying to wriggle free and decided instead to just glare at him, crossing my arms over my chest.  
"I do hope you've thoroughly enjoyed yourself," I said. He saw the look I was giving him and immediately removed his hand. "Yes, Ma'am, I sure did." I narrowed my eyes at him but he simply ignored this, completely undeterred, as he walked the bike to the nearest lamppost to lock it in place. I couldn't remember the last time I came here and I had to admit it was refreshing. Not that I would ever tell him, but I was kind of grateful that he convinced me to come out. If there was one thing I liked about going to the park, it was the fact that it was always brimming with life

 

There were dog walkers and joggers passing by; families pushing strollers around; couples walking hand in hand; children running around with kites and even the occasional middle aged man eating a sandwich alone on a bench. "Come on,"Bellamy called out to me when he finished securing the bike. He waited until I could catch up to him and resumed walking only when we were side by side. I looked around some more, wondering if he somehow predicted that the weather would be perfect for a day out. "We used to go here a lot"Bellamy said as he sidestepped to avoid two children running at full speed. Octavia loved picnics. She used to wake everyone up just so she could force us to go." "Well, the forcing thing must run in the family, then," I pointed out. He nudged me with his shoulder, an easy smile slipping onto his face. "Admit it. It's better than staying in the house all day." I decided not to say anything. He led me up the hill, telling me about that one time when Sam had literally pulled his sheets until he fell out of the bed just so he would wake up. "I ended up spraining my wrist, but we went to the park anyway. And since I couldn't use my right hand, she wouldn't stop trying to spoon-feed me in front of everyone." I started laughing, trying to imagine Bellamy being spoon-fed, and the mere thought was so ridiculous it seemed nearly impossible. I felt his eyes on me and when I peered up at him, there was an almost cryptic smile on his face. "What?" I asked him. "Nothing," he said, but the way he said it made it clear that it was most definitely not nothing. Without warning, he veered off the gravel path to head towards the trees. "Come on." "Where are you going?" I asked him, eyeing the uneven rocky path that he seemed to be following. "Just follow my lead," he replied without turning to look. "Bellamy" I hissed out, but he barely even looked back. Suppressing a groan, I followed, holding my hands out to the side for balance. I tried to step past the fallen branches and twigs scattered all over the place, paying an unusual amount of concentration with every step

 

The extra effort had me panting like I'd just run a fucking marathon and ahead of me, he trudged his way with such ease I had to wonder if he trekked around areas like this in his free time. I was picking off leaves from my hair when we finally emerged from the tree line. As soon as e did, he took off and ran across the clearing. I watched him, wondering where he could have possibly gotten all his energy from, before following him at a leisurely pace. He stopped at one of the large-trunk trees and turned back to me, yelling at me to hurry up. "This was our favorite spot,"Bellamy told me when I was close enough. He walked over to the tree and beckoned for me to come closer. "Look at this." I inched forward to stand next to him. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to look for until he lifted a hand to trace the jagged lines carved onto the trunk of the old tree. I took another step forward to get a better look at the unsteady lines that formed the single letter written on the tree, and when I was sure what it was, I brought my gaze back to him. "b for Blake?" I asked him, taking in the wistful look on his face. "The two of us carved it there," he told me. "We were claiming the tree as ours." "What's so special about it?" "Dad told us he was the one who planted it here." He let out a soft laugh and shook his head, dropping his hand to his side. "According to him, they had this tree-planting project when he was in middle school. He and a bunch of his classmates had to plant a tree each." He stepped away from the tree, but I stayed rooted on my spot. In my mind, I could imagine a younger version of Bellamy carving this with his sister, but I couldn't quite picture the rest of his family. All the stories he told me of his past always included his parents and I couldn't help but think of the seemingly empty house he lived in now. It was like it didn't matter how happy his childhood had been because all the good memories in the world would never be enough to stop the shitty things from happening later on. By the time I decided to turn away from the tree, he had already finished spreading the blanket out on the grass

 

"Come on," he told me, already kicking his shoes off as he settled on a seat on the blanket. "I'm starving." I removed my sandals and stepped onto the blanket. Despite the thick cloth, the ground still felt a little lumpy from all the small rocks and twigs lying around, but for the most part, it wasn't entirely uncomfortable. I sat next to him, making sure there was enough space between us, and we both began to bring the food out from the basket. Everything was still warm ("It's all in the basket," he had told me with a wink) when we began to eat, and the moment he popped an egg roll into his mouth, he let out a moan that inevitably made my cheeks heat up. "I think I just found my new favorite food," he said, spearing another egg roll with his fork. "Seriously. These are amazing." "They're really not," I said, looking down at my food as I willed my blush to go away, "but thanks." "You should really be a chef or something." I let out a small laugh. "I really don't want to," I said. "I just... happen to love cooking." He looked at me, an expression of genuine curiosity plastered across his face. "Why?" "My dad loved watching those cooking shows on TV," I told him. "I guess I ended up liking them, too." I smiled at the memory of him and Mom fighting over the remote whenever a basketball game was on. Mom (who for some reason happened to love watching sports) would always, always try to argue with him, but he would never budge, and Mom and I would be forced to watch whatever cooking show was on with him. "Was he as good as you?" "He sucked." I turned to him, unable to stop myself from grinning. "He can even manage to burn soup." "How does one even burn soup?" "Exactly!" "So he sucks at cooking," he said, his brows furrowed as he slid his eyes to mine, "but he loves it?" "He was friend-zoned for the longest time ever when he and Mom were in college," I told him. "Mom was dating this guy whose parents owned a restaurant. Naturally, this guy was a great cook, and he would always bring her some lunch or invite her over for a home-cooked meal or whatever. "

 

"She told Dad something about how she'd never settle for a guy who can't cook, so he started watching all these cooking shows to learn," I said. "He never really got the hang of it, but the shows stuck." It was a story he'd told me one too many times, but I never got tired of hearing it. He and Mom had met at a party at a mutual friend's dorm. He originally had his eyes set on Mom's best friend Colette. He'd do anything for her, so when she asked him to bring Mom back to her dorm, he said yes. Mom had been drunk ("I wasn't that drunk," Mom would protest, but Dad would discreetly mouth "She was pissed drunk" whenever they told this story to other people) because of some guy. Not only had she puked on him thrice, she'd also apparently ruined his chances of hooking up with Colette because the moment he left the party, this guy from some frat suddenly arrived to sweep her off her feet. Case in point, he hated Mom. Or at least he held a grudge against her. Mom, however, took a habit of relying on him when she had problems-whether it was a failed grade or some guy-and they became friends. Sort of. ("She really used to annoy me a lot. I'm not even kidding.") "But long story short," I told Bellamy "he eventually fell in love with her and she had no idea until much, much later on." He slid his eyes over to mine and a small smile flickered on his lips. "I think he's awesome." I looked down at my hands. "Yeah," I muttered. "I always thought so, too." Neither of us said anything for a long while and the silence seemed to magnify how much I missed my dad and his jokes and the quotes he always managed to slip into normal conversations whenever the opportunity presented itself. Quiely, he said, "Hey." I snapped out of my thoughts to slide my gaze to his. "Question game." I froze. For a moment, I just stared at him, wondering what he could possibly want to know now, of all times, and for a moment I wanted to refuse, but a game was a game and it was too late to back out now. Finally, I said, "Okay." He took a deep breath and tugged at the color of his shirt, not quite able to look me in the eye. Then, in a voice that mirrored his hesitation, he said, "How did... how did he die?"

Over the past few years, I had hardly ever talked about Dad. Not to Mom, not to Raven and not even to Ryder I knew, of course, that eight years was a long time for me to grieve over his death, and maybe the initial sadness had worn off, but I'd never really stopped missing him, and to me, it was just easier to avoid talking about him completely. Ryder and Raven had both known this. They did their best not to bring him up as much as possible, and it wasn't like Mom ever really brought him up ever, and now, looking at Bellamys expectant gaze, I wasn't sure why, but I felt compelled to answer. So, taking a deep breath, I said, "Cancer." He inhaled sharply. I dropped my gaze to my hands, trying to ignore the bitter taste the word had left in my mouth, and continued, "It was already too late when we found out." He fell silent. I snuck a glance at him and was surprised to see the somber look on his face. There was a distant look in his eyes, but I could almost see the gears working in his head. After a prolonged moment of silence, he said, "What was he like?" I kept my eyes focused on the other families having picnics around us. I wondered if the trees they were sitting under also had letters carved into the trunks, markers that would forever remind them of the time they spent laughing and eating with their families here; things that would remind them of these picture perfect moments where everything just seemed so bright and dazzling and warm and perfect. I wondered if they knew how quickly things could fall apart, just like my life did when my father died, or Bellamys when his sister did. And maybe that was why I found it easy to talk to him about this: he lost someone important to him, too, and he understood me more than anyone else did. "Once," I told him, "he watched this episode of Barefoot Contessa and it suddenly inspired him to cook this really, really complicated dish," I told him. "He messed it up, and in the end, Mom had to try and save the dish so it wouldn't go to waste. She put in all sorts of stuff and basically created a new recipe altogether. "Surprisingly, it turned out really well."

 

I smiled a little, remembering the way Dad had kept trying to ask Mom if she needed assistance and how Mom tried her best to keep him from adding too much pepper because the pepper grinder thing made him feel like a "pro chef" or whatever. "The two of us washed the dishes after eating, then he said, 'Kid, when you grow up, you're going to mess up, and you're going to fail miserably, but never forget that it only takes a little bit of spicing up to turn things around.'"Bellamy turned to me, a small smile slipping onto his face. "You memorized that?" I flushed. "It might not be completely verbatim," I said, "but it was something like that." "He called you 'Kid'?" "Usually," I replied. "It must have been hard." He picked up a stone and carelessly threw it out to the lake, where it landed with a small splash before sinking. "Watching someone you love die without being able to do anything." I looked at him, taking in the thoughtful look on his face, and for the first time in years, I found myself staring at someone who knew exactly "It must have been hard to lose someone out of the blue, too." "Maybe it's all just the same," he said in reply, eyes fixed on the lake. "Whether it's a car accident or a fucked up disease, t hurts all the same." "Yeah," I replied, picking up a pebble of my own. I pulled my arm back, swung it forward, and let go. I watched as it soared over us, flying for a moment before falling into the lake. "It probably does." I didn't even realize we'd been there for four hours, but by the time I finished eating, it was already three o'clock. I had always thought that talking about my dad would do nothing but bring back all the hurt and pain his death had put us through. But I was wrong. Talking about it had somehow done the exact opposite. I found myself talking about the times he'd joke around, the dishes he always managed to ruin, or the days he would sit on the porch, sipping his coffee as he answered a crossword puzzle. The memories were all there, still intact despite everything else, and I realized, for the first time, that that wasn't a bad thing

 

When we decided to leave Bellamy and I made our way through the uneven path; a route that I wasn't exactly looking forward to take again. I gave up on trying to match his pace, focusing on taking a step after every careful step, and just when I thought I was getting the hang of it, something snagged onto the strap of my sandal. I nearly fell forward, but before I could join the twigs and leaves scattered on the ground Bellamy rushed to catch me. "Careful there," he said, releasing his hold on my waist when I recovered my balance. "How can you walk on this?" "On what?" I was about to elaborate, but then he suddenly held his hand out, and the words died on my throat. I stood there, eyeing it warily because I couldn't help it, and with a frustrated groan, he grabbed my hand on his own. "You're always like this," he said as he began to navigate our way through the path. "You always-always-insist on doing things on your own. There's nothing wrong with letting people help you." His words had rendered me speechless and I said nothing as we trudged our way back into gravel path. His hand was warm on mine and I felt him slowing down in order to match my pace. I watched his back, trying to figure him out, and realized how different he was from the Bellamy Blake I had in mind back then; the Bellamy Blake that I disliked, thinking he was just some spoiled brat who was used to girls falling all over him. Sure, I was right when I thought he was wearing a mask, but I never thought that what was hiding beneath it was this person; someone who would extend a helping hand when I hadn't even asked for it. He didn't let go until we reached the gravel path. "Thanks," I said, suddenly unable to look him in the eye. "Nah," he replied. "It was no problem." "No." I kept my gaze trained on the ground, unable to look him in the eye. "Not just for helping me there. For... everything else too." "Ah." I looked up, just in time to see him reach out. For a moment, I couldn't figure out what he was about to do, but then he placed his hand on top of my head and ruffled my hair before I had the chance to move away. "Don't worry about it," he said. "I'm pretty sure we can call it even."

He sent me another quick grin before turning to walk. I stayed rooted on my spot, watching him walk away as my mind struggled to make sense of him, and before I could stop myself, I said, "Question game." He stopped abruptly, his shoulders going stiff for a second before turning around to face me. The grin had dissipated and it was replaced by a slight frown. "Yeah?" Keeping my eyes focused on his, I said, "Why are you helping me in the first place?" "What?" His eyebrows creased together. "What on earth are you talking about?" "I just-I just don't see why you'd be willing to help me," I explained. "I mean, it's not like you're getting anything from this." Even without looking to check, I felt the weight of his scrutinizing stare on m, fighting the urge to hide from him, in the fear that he would see right through me. After what felt like forever, I felt him shift. "Hey." The gentle tone of his voice compelled me to look up at him, and when I did, I found him giving me a smile as soothing as his voice. "Honestly, I don't know why either, but... I just feel like I need to. And that's good enough for me." I didn't know what to say to that, so I shut up. We began to walk in pleasant silence, one that didn't have to be filled with words, and I was just in the middle of thinking that I had a good time when something suddenly made me stop. I froze on my tracks. A million thoughts raced through my mind but none of them made sense. I felt like somebody had just punched me in the gut, knocking the air out of me, and for a moment I was completely disoriented, the impact throwing me off my axis so that it felt as though I was spinning around the vast space of the universe. Bellamy gave me a puzzled look before following the direction I was looking at. Ryder was here with another girl. The girl was Raven


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS

For a socially awkward girl whose friends from middle school had gradually evolved into completely different people, it was a surprise that I managed to survive freshman year. It had been difficult, of course, especially at first. Not only did I have to adapt to a whole new place, I also had to go through it all alone. Sure, I had Ryder but he was a year older than me. He had friends I didn't know, he had classes I didn't take, and we hadn't even been going out yet at the time, so I automatically felt like I shouldn't bother him. He tried, of course, to be with me as much as possible, but I didn't want to be a burden, so I kept telling him I could manage just so he would stop feeling like I was his responsibility. I didn't want him to put his own life on pause just to guide me through high school. I expected it would stay this way, and for the first few weeks, I was that freshman girl who didn't have friends and ate lunch on the bleachers alone. It was only until I got paired with Hilary Johnson for a take home quiz that one fateful day two months later had everything changed. It was something we had to do for basic Chem, and even back in freshman year, I never really liked the subject, so I was worried my partner would hate me for being useless. We agreed to meet at Coffee Overdose, simply because we thought it was the halfway point between our houses. When I arrived, she was already seated at a table, her nose buried in a thick book. "Sorry," I said as I slid into the seat across her. "Did you wait long?" "It's fine," she said, giving me a smile that seemed so genuine I found myself relaxing a little. "The view here isn't that bad." At first I thought she was talking about the café's interiors-which really did fascinate me-but when I followed the direction of her gaze, I realized she was eyeing the barista behind the counter. "Oh, god," I said, turning away when he caught me looking. I was absolutely mortified, but Raven had this sort of dreamy look on her face. "You see him?" she asked. "How can I not?" I replied, sneaking another look. "He looks so gorgeous I was convinced I was hallucinating."

At that, I felt the knots in my stomach loosen. She seemed so open, so down-to-earth, that it wasn't hard for me to feel at ease. "I'm not really good with Chem," I admitted, wishing she wouldn't react badly and choose to abandon me altogether. She didn't. Instead, she just smiled and said, "That's fine. I think we still got this." We spent the rest of the afternoon poring through our textbooks to figure out the answers while simultaneously ogling Chris-as his nametag suggested-and when we were done answering, she told me she had to go home so she can start writing her analysis of a poem they were studying. "I'm completely hopeless with literature," she muttered bitterly as she stuffed her Chem book into her bag. "Maybe I can help you out," I suggested. She immediately brightened with the idea, turning to give me a wide-eyed stare that immediately showed what she was feeling. By the time we finished the assignment, it was almost time for dinner. She wouldn't stop thanking me for helping her, but I was more than happy to, considering I was pretty much useless with our Chem assignment. She, however, found it as an opportunity for her to offer to tutor me on Chem. I was hesitant at first, but she kept insisting, and by the time we parted why agreed she would tutor me with Chem if I helped her out with Literature. At the time, I didn't think much of it. I hadn't known she would become my best friend, or that we were going to stay friends for so long. But we did and, of course, that was something I was more than just grateful of. Which was why, three years later, the sight of her walking around the park with my ex-boyfriend made me feel as though somebody had just stabbed me multiple times in the back, hitting all my vital organs so that everything screamed and bled and hurt. I stood there, my mind refusing to process the idea of a him and a her and a them, but it was there and it was real and there was nothing I could do but stare at them. Almost as though they knew they were being watched, they both looked over. They both froze mid-stride, the smiles on their faces immediately evaporating

 

The rest of the world had fallen away and nothing but the rift between me and them mattered. The universe could have bended over backwards but the three of us would never realign. Before any of us could react, I looked away, willing my feet to move faster just so I could leave as quickly as possible. "Clarke" I heard Ryder call me, but I ignored him and kept walking, almost completely unaware of Bellamy running to catch up with me. "Clarke wait." I was suddenly yanked back by my arm. I looked up to see Ryder holding me in place. I jerked away from his grip just as Bellamy stepped between us shielding me away from him. "Get your fucking hands off her." "Stay out of this Blake" "I think you're forgetting the fact that you're the one who's out of the picture now so please do us all a favor and kindly fuck off" They both stared each other down neither of them daring to look away. I looked over their shoulders to see Raven who had both hands clapped to her mouth As usual it wasn't hard to read the expression on her face Her panic and worry showed as clear as daylight She looked over and caught me looking All the anger and hurt rushed over me like tsunami waves crashing engulfing me until I could no longer breathe and every part of began to shut down A million questions raced to my mind, all boiling down to one question-the question that mattered the most: how could they do this to me? "Let's just go," I said, tugging at Bellamys sleeve For a second he stood his ground, not once daring to look away from Ryder but when I tugged at him again, he relented. He gave Ryder one last glare before turning away. "clarke" Ryder said. "Please. Let's talk." My grip on Bellamys arm tightened I refused to let him see me break down. I looked him in the eye summoning all the anger I could muster and said, "I don't have anything to say to you." "Well I do." "Maybe should have said it when you had the chance." I turned away, trying and failing to feel anything but loathing and rage and at that time all I wanted was to get away from him from him and Raven-the two people I never would have thought would hurt me most-so I walked away

 

all too aware of the fact that every step I took widened the gap that divided me from them. Good, I thought to myself You're better off without them I kept walking, one foot after the other and when Bellamy reached for my hand I was grateful I held onto him afraid that my knees would buckle at any moment then I let him pull me forward as he led the way I didn't stop when we walked past the lamppost where we left the bike or when the tears began to blur my vision so badly I couldn't say anything I kept walking on and on and on even when I felt myself break down bit by bit with every step I took. "Hey" he said moving so that he was right in front of me I kept my head hung low but he placed both of his hands on my face and gently tilted it up until we were eye to eye. "You're okay" Was I? "You're okay" he repeated softly, his blue eyes boring into mine. But I wasn't I wasn't okay and he knew that and as soon as a choked sob forced its way out of my throat he pulled me to him and wrapped me in a hug, one hand holding my head in place on his chest. I folded into him letting all restrictions fall away I was tired too fucking tired, of keeping everything bottled up, and I cried into his shirt listening to the rhythmic thudding of his heart a sound that was both soothing and unsettling, as he murmured you're okay over and over and over again, as if that would make it true. It wouldn't, I knew that, but by the time I stopped crying, he said it so many times I started believing it was true "Here." I looked up to find Bellamy holding out an ice cream cone to me. "It's not frozen yogurt," he said "but it'll make you feel better." As soon as I took it from him, he took the seat next to me. "I wasn't sure what flavor you'd want, but I'm pretty sure you'll like that." "What is it?" I asked him, eyeing the light green ice cream uncertainly. "Mint choco chip," he replied. "Try it." I had always been more of a vanilla girl, but while I wasn't entirely sure I liked chocolate mixed with mint, I was thankful he didn't get vanilla. It would have reminded me of Ryder and of the girl who was stupid enough to believe in him and his promises

 

Hesitantly, I lifted the cone to my lips. I was hoping for the worst, but was surprised to find that it wasn't actually unpleasant. The minty coolness made it seem colder and that, in turn, made it seem more refreshing, and after everything that had happened, it was exactly what I needed. "It's good, yeah?" he asked me just as I brought it back to my lips. I nodded. As soon as I had stopped crying around seven or so minutes ago, he led me to sit on one of the benches and told me to wait. Not that I would have gone anywhere, considering I felt like I could hardly stand, much less walk. I was so embarrassed for suddenly crying like that, which was why part of me didn't want to face Bellamy at all. I felt like he had seen me at my weakest and while I knew enough to know that he wouldn't use that against me, I couldn't help but feel ashamed of myself. But he just sat there, his face impassive, and the two of us reveled in a silence that didn't seem to have a need for words. It was weird, in a way, to think that I had grown so accustomed to Bellamy and his presence in the span of only two weeks. Just a few days ago, he was just some guy who used to disgust me so much I couldn't even force myself to smile at him, but now he was someone else-someone more-and while I wasn't sure I wanted "more," I couldn't deny that it was nice to have an ally when it felt as though the rest of the world had turned its back to me. Without warning, he looked over and caught me looking, and before I could even react, he already blurted out a hasty "I'm sorry." My brows furrowed. "What?" He let out a deep breath and turned away, running a hand through this hair. "If I hadn't insisted on dragging you here, none of that would have happened." "If you hadn't insisted on going here," I countered, "I never would've found out about them, so really, I should be thanking you." "Still." "It's fine," I insisted, feeling all weird about him saying sorry when he had no control over the situation at all.. "You said it yourself. I'm okay." He looked at me then and when his eyes caught mine, I found myself holding my breath

 

There was an unreadable expression on his face and I was suddenly too aware of how blue his eyes were and how the rest of his face just seemed to go so fucking well together it was almost unfair. "Was that why you broke up?" he asked me, his voice nothing but a mere murmur. "Because of that girl?" The thought made my stomach clench, but I'd seen them with my very own eyes, and so did Bellamy There was no denying it now: my two best friends in the world had fucked me over and it was time to face that now. I took a deep breath and forced myself to reply. "Maybe." "Why did he break up with you?" At first, I was worried I might break down again and cry, but I must have already run out of tears earlier because I felt nothing when I finally said, "He never told me." His eyes snapped to mine. "How does that work?" I blinked and swallowed before taking a deep breath to answer. "He just said he couldn't do this anymore, that he was done, and when I asked him why"-I stopped, feeling as though simply saying the words were enough to choke me-"all he said was 'it's complicated.'" "It's complicated?" he repeated, giving me an incredulous look. "Years of beings friends and then more than that," I said bitterly, "and it all came crashing down with that fucking clichéd line." "That's all he said?" I nodded. He shook his head and I was glad to see that I wasn't the only one who thought it was ridiculous. "Fucking asshole." At this, I couldn't help but laugh a little, only for it to fade when the image of Ryder and Raven standing side by side like it was the most natural thing in the world resurfaced. "Yep. He really is." "Are you sure that wasn't just his sister or cousin?" he offered. I wasn't sure if he was trying to make me feel better, and while I appreciated the thought, it wasn't working. "I'm pretty sure," I told him, shaking my head. I stared at the cone in my hand, focusing way too intently on it. "She was my best friend." He let out a low whistle. I lifted a shoulder in a lazy shrug, forcing out a bitter smile. "Why, then?" he asked me, his brows creasing together as he frowned at me. "What?" "Question game griffin"

 

He shook his head, lifting his hands in a vaguely annoyed gesture. "Why the fuck do you still talk about him like-like he's the best thing that's ever happened to you?" I inhaled sharply. "I don't-" "Yes, you do," he cut me off. "You do and you know that." "You wouldn't understand." "Then help me understand." He drilled his blue eyes into mine and I found myself unable to reply. In a softer voice, he said, "That's all I've been trying to do since day one Griffin" His irritation slowly faded to reveal a note of desperation in his voice. His frustration seemed to roll off of him in waves, revealed through the intensity of his stare and the slightest crease of his eyebrows, and I realized with a start that there was something more to it: He sounded concerned. The thought was enough to shut me up. The two of us were plunged in silence but my mind raced with the implications of this realization. I studied him in the hopes that I'd see past the determined look on his face. I bit the inside of my cheeks, trying to figure him out, but it was difficult, and all I could do was let out a sigh and just concede. "I met him right after my dad died," I told him, dropping my gaze to my melting ice cream. "Things were shitty and he came along, and suddenly things weren't so bad anymore. I just... learned to rely on him, I guess." That was the thing that made it so hard for me to let go of Ryder In my mind, he was the one that kept me from bursting at the seams and in the end, he was the one who tore everything apart. Being with him made me feel like the past could never touch me, and for someone whose life had been turned upside down in a matter of weeks, the future was all I had to hold on to. "We should get back at him." I turned to Bellamy surprised, but he was merely looking at me with a newfound determination. "Aren't we already doing, you know, this to do that?" "Well, yeah," he said, "But, I mean, right now. Let's do something that'll drive him crazy." He ignored the weird look I was giving him and plowed on, "Let's egg his house. Or-or mess up his laundry so all his clothes become pink. Or put snails in his shoes or whatever."

He gave me an expectant look, waiting for me to say yes, and he grunted in frustration when I just kept looking at him like he had just lost his mind. "Come on. Think of all the things we can do to mess with him," he said, exasperated. "Just say the word. Whatever you want to do, no matter how crazy it is. I'm in. I'm all in" At first, I was sure he was only kidding around, but the serious look on his face told me otherwise, leaving me speechless for a moment. He sounded so sincere I couldn't help but stare at him. He began to fidget when I still hadn't said anything and he finally groaned and said, "Come on Clarkey Whatever you want to do, I'll be more than willing to help." The funny thing was that I knew he meant it and that, while peculiar, definitely made me feel sort of better. "Thanks, but the only thing I want to do right now is to go home and watch TV shows all day." He gave me a look of disbelief. "No way." "Really," I said. "I'd prefer doing that than, say, egging his house." He looked like he wanted to protest, but when he spoke, all he said was, "Okay, we won't egg his house." The annoyed look on his face, however, refused to slip off. "But I'm not going to let you mope around in my house all day." "Bellamy" I pleaded. "Nope." He stood up with a newfound sense of vigor. "The day's still young. I refuse to let that bastard ruin our date." I choked on my ice cream. "Date?" He smirked even as I began to cough. "Isn't it?" I shook my head. "No." "Should I or should I not define the word date for you?" "Shut up," I said and finished the rest of my ice cream when I managed to stop hacking out my lungs. "This isn't a date." He, of course, promptly ignored this. "Come on. Let's walk around." I peered up at him. "What about your bike?" "Screw it," he replied without missing a beat. "I'm sure it will still be there when we go back for it." "And the picnic basket?" "I'll just carry it." "Around town," I clarified, wishing he'd see how stupid it would look like for someone like him to carry a picnic basket. "Why not?" he replied, swinging the basket exaggeratedly. "Trust me. Picnic baskets are the new thing. I heard they're all the rage in London"

 

I had to admit that made me laugh a little, which, in turn, made a slow grin appear on his face. "What do you say?" he asked me, never taking his eyes off mine. I thought about it for a second, studying his face closely, and I felt myself smile almost involuntarily. "Sounds like a plan." The good thing about the park was that it was placed smack dab in the middle of Rivermount. I've always wondered why it was called Rivermount, when in fact there were no rivers anywhere near us, but I never really cared enough to read up on its local history to find out. The park was in walking distance with the shopping district and that was where Bellamy and I decided to head to. It was a Sunday and the weather was perfect for a day out, so naturally, there were a lot of people milling around the place. The two of us had dropped by a number of different shops, poring through all sorts of items that caught our attention. I tried to keep Bellamy away from the clothing stores though, seeing as he insisted on grabbing silly outfits no one in their right mind would ever wear to hold them up to himself. "I think this color really suits me" he'd say, striking a ridiculous pose, hardly bothered by the other people staring at him. We didn't talk much, and instead, we shared a pair of earphones and listened to one of his playlists as we walked around. "This is my go-to playlist when I'm having a bad day," he told me, so I wasn't surprised to find that the tunes were lively and upbeat. I wasn't sure if it was the playlist or just the fact that being with Bellamy was like being with a five-year old who gets excited over the littlest of things, but by the time we finished having dinner (we decided to have an all-dessert dinner), I had cheered up considerably. On our way back to the park, we passed by a used books store, and since it wasn't like we had anything better to do, we decided to check it out. I loved the smell of old books. They always reminded me of Dad pre-cancer. When I was younger, he would bring me to bookstores telling me to pick something for myself while he looked for something he could read too

 

He was probably the reason why I had way too many children's books at home, seeing as we almost always swung by a bookstore at least once a week back then. Standing there and walking through the silent aisles of the small bookstore made me think back to all the good times I had with my dad. I was standing in the classics section examining a book I was certain he used to read back then when Bellamy decided to join me, holding two books in one hand. He was examining the shelf silently, his free hand tracing the spines of the books arranged neatly by author. "My dad loved to read," I told him, carefully flipping through the pages of the book I was holding. "We had to bring his books to the hospital because he kept complaining there was nothing interesting on TV. "He would just read, day by day, as he got worse," I continued, thinking back to all those afternoons where I would find him sitting on his hospital bed, completely absorbed in a book, and the sight was so familiar I'd almost forget that we were in the hospital, not on the front porch where he'd always preferred to read. "Then he became too sick to even keep his eyes open long enough to read; to lift the book and hold it in place, and one day, he asked me to turn the TV on." Bellamy had fallen silent, but his hand had stopped moving and I could tell that he was listening to every word. "I didn't want to, so I picked a book up and sat on the stool next to his bed," I continued, the memory coming back with a clarity so sharp I was afraid it would slice through the bandages I wrapped around the wound his death had left behind. "I don't even remember what it was, but I was so determined, so I opened it to the page he had bookmarked, and began to read to him. "I kept mispronouncing the words. I even skipped the ones that were too hard for me to read, and I wasn't even sure if he was awake, but I kept reading." I could feel my eyes moisten but before the tears had a chance to roll down, I wiped them with the back of my hand. "When I finished reading the chapter, I lowered the book, and I thought he was already sleeping, but then he suddenly opened his eyes.

It was the last time he smiled. By the time I finished talking, I had to reach up to wipe the stubborn tears that kept showing up. I sniffled, trying to smile, and said, "Sorry. I didn't mean to just... say all that." Before I even had the chance to look up at him, however Bellamy had already pulled me in a one-armed hug. "Are you crying?" I asked him, but when I tried to check, he immediately covered my watery eyes with his hands. "No." "You're crying." "Shut up." "So, I've been thinking," he said as we walked down the sidewalk. "We literally don't know each other that well." "No shit," I replied, but on the contrary, I felt like he knew me most at the moment. Sure, he may not have known me for a long time, and I was pretty sure he didn't even know my middle name, but with everything I had talked to him about so far, it kind of felt like he knew me too well. "I think we need to reintroduce ourselves," he suggested. I snorted. "You can't be serious." When I saw the flat look he was giving me, however, I knew he wasn't kidding. "I'll start," he said. "I'm Bellamy Blake I'll be turning eighteen this December. I like-Hey." He placed a hand over his heart, obviously dramatizing it more than he actually needed to. "I am a nice guy." "Tell that to the hundreds of girls you've probably slept with." I knew, of course, that Bellamy Blake was more than just a player but having a complicated life beneath it all didn't change the fact he still went through all those girls without really being guilty about it. I expected him to say something that would relieve him of his guilt-at least something like how the girls were the ones who kept throwing themselves at him-or if not, I wouldn't have been shocked for him to joke about it until the topic changed entirely. There could have been a million ways to respond to that, but what he said had me freezing on my tracks. "Is that why you hate me?"  
He kept his voice even, looking at me through his thick lashes as he waited for my answer. We both stood there unmoving on the sidewalk as everyone rushed past us. It felt like the two of us were at a standstill and even though the world kept moving we stayed put

 

"What do you mean?" "Come on," he said with a shrug. "You made it obvious you didn't like me right from the very start." It was almost hard to recall the details of our first conversation. It had merely two weeks since then but for some reason, it felt like a lot of things had changed. I couldn't quite look him in the eye, so I began to walk again before replying. "You can't blame me." He didn't say anything, but I knew he was trailing not too far behind me. "I don't have a say with whatever you want to do. I mean, it's your life, after all, but you can't expect me to actually like someone who refuses to take girls seriously." He was still quiet, and for a second, I thought he had disappeared, but when I stopped to look over my shoulder, he was still there. He stopped too, keeping his eyes trained on the ground, and his hands were shoved deep in his pockets. I couldn't tell what this meant, which, in turn, made it hard for me to know what to say, so I just stared at him with a slightly apologetic expression. I tried to come up with something, but before I could, he beat me to it. "I don't really have an excuse," he said, playing with a small pebble he found right next to where he was standing using the toe of his shoe. "and I'm not sure why I feel like I have to say this to you, but I'm sorry." I felt something tug at my chest. "It's just..." he trailed off, then with a disgruntled sigh, he took one hand out of his pocket to rub a spot at the back of his neck. "It just seemed easier." "Easier?" "Not to settle," he said. "Not to let anyone get close." With that, I felt whatever anger I harbored for him melt away, crumbling like it never even existed in the first place 

 

He was wrong, because he did have an excuse, and while there was no way I would've thought that blatantly disregarding the feelings of all those girls he fooled with was excusable, I did understand where he was coming from. That was how I felt when Ryder had dumped me: I didn't want anyone to get too close; to give them the power to hurt me like he had. I looked at him, feeling as though a piece of the jigsaw puzzle that was Bellamy Blake had just clicked into place, and it was so obvious, so fucking obvious, I didn't know why I hadn't seen it in the first place. "Question game." He lifted his eyes to mine. Quietly, I said, "Who was it?" He didn't even look puzzled. He just stared at me, the apologetic look on his face falling away to reveal a blank mask, and immediately, I knew he knew exactly what I was talking about. Patiently, I waited for his answer, and while the expression on his face remained impassive, I could tell he was contemplating on his answer. Neither of us said anything for a while. I kept my eyes on him, willing him to tell me; to stop holding back and open up to me just as I had done with him. Finally, he looked away, and while I anticipated it, I was still disappointed when he said, "Pass." I realized, then, that I was right: Bellamy Blake had fallen in love before. And whoever it was that held his heart must have broken it too.


	13. Chapter 13

Bellamy held the phone out to me. I stared at it for a while before looking up at him. "At least let her know you're alive," he said. "Let her worry," I muttered, focusing back on the Sudoku puzzle I was trying to finish. He heaved a deep sigh and took the seat next to me, looking at me like he was expecting me to change my mind. We had just come (back to his) home from the "date," as he insisted on calling it, and I was back in another shirt of his and a new pair of shorts. We had both agreed I'd stay another night here but tomorrow after school, he'll bring me back home. It wasn't that he wanted to me to go (at least I didn't think so, but I never knew), but his mother was coming home tomorrow, so I said okay. I wasn't yet ready to face my mom. I was still angry at her, the feeling rooted way too deep for me to easily dispose, but it wasn't like I could sleep on the streets or starve Bellamy wanted me to call her, but the moment he suggested it, I immediately said no. I didn't care if she thought I was dead. I didn't care if she was worried about me. I convinced myself she deserved it after all those days of falling asleep on the couch, waiting for her to come home, or staying up past midnight, worried sick, wondering if she was all right when she forgot to tell me she was coming home late. It was her turn to worry. This, however seemed to be something Bellamy wasn't particularly all right with. Once again, he tried to shove my phone to me. "Just call her." "Why should I?" I snapped, wishing he would just leave me alone with my Sudoku puzzle. "Would you rather she reported you were missing to the cops?" I had to admit he had a point there. I couldn't really imagine Mom calling the cops, but I had been gone for over twenty-four hours now, and as much as I didn't want to call her, getting the police involved didn't exactly seem like a good idea either. I snapped the Sudoku book close and placed it on the glass table in front of us. I took a deep breath, trying to convince myself that calling her was the reasonable thing to do. When I took the phone from him, however my fingers clammed up Bellamy sat there and waited looking at me expectantly but I couldn't do it

When I took the phone from him however my fingers clammed up Bellamy sat there and waited looking at me expectantly, but I couldn't do it. I sighed dropping my hands to my lap. "I don't want to talk to her." I wished he'd just drop it; move on and leave me and my problems alone. Stubborn as he was, however, he shook his head and suggested, "Do you want me to talk to her for you?" "What would you even tell her?" "Just that you're safe," he replied. I snorted. "Well, that would just go well. A male stranger calling her through my phone to tell her that her daughter's safe. I can't see how that could possibly go wrong." He groaned and grabbed the phone from me. "Just trust me." I tried to lunge for it, but he quickly shot to his feet. I stood up too, but he was already running away, furiously tapping on the screen. I ran after him but he was faster than me, and it didn't help that I had to yank my oversized shorts up every three steps. He disappeared up the stairs, taking two steps at a time, and while I wasn't particularly small, my legs weren't as long as his to keep up with his pace. I ran the rest of the way to him, but before I could even get near enough to tackle him or do whatever, he was already speaking into the phone. "Hi," he said brightly. I froze.  
The room was quiet enough for me to hear the telltale sound of someone speaking on the other line. I couldn't really decipher the words, but I gave Bellamy a wide-eyed hang up now or else stare which he promptly ignored. "I'm Bellamy Blake " he said into the phone. "Your daughter's boyfriend."I made a move to swipe the phone from him, but he swiftly moved away. "Yes, yes. No... I'm sorry. No. She's fine. Oh." He looked at me and lowered the phone a little. "Clarke do you want to talk to her?" "No," I replied, loud enough for the phone to pick my voice up. I figured I might as well let her hear me say it. "Sorry" Bellamy said bringing the phone back to his ear. "I, uhh, don't think she does." At this point, I realized there was nothing I could do but let him finish, so I just bit the inside of my cheeks and turned away from him. It was only then that I realized we were in his room

 

There was a high shelf that held books and small trinkets, a potted cactus on the bedside drawer, and a pile of neatly folded clothes sitting on top of a study desk. Then my eyes landed to a painting on the wall. I gravitated towards it and I found myself reaching out to trace some of the painted lines. The surface was uneven where the paint was layered over each color. Some strokes were thin, some were thick, some were sharp and others soft. It was like a layer of vibrant colored strokes and splashes, which up close looked like a mess, but from where I had been standing earlier formed a bird perched on a branch. It was like a chaotic form of beauty. I looked over my shoulder and was surprised to find that Bellamy had already finished talking to my mother He hadn't moved from where he was standing by the window but he was staring at me, looking I realized with a start like he wanted to disappear into a hole "Did you paint this?" I asked him. He cleared his throat, leaning back against the windowpane and refused to meet my eyes. "Yeah." He cleared his throat again. "It's really not that good." "You're joking, right?" I asked him looking away from his embarrassed expression to look back at the painting. "I would kill to have something like this in my room." He laughed a little "Well my mom would kill me if she saw that." "Why on earth would she do that?" I said, giving him a disbelieving look. "It's beautiful." I meant it when I said it and even though I should have expected it, I was still surprised when he suddenly blushed. "You're just saying that." Before I could protest, however, he immediately changed the topic. "And I think your mom hates me." "Well, you are technically holding her missing daughter hostage," I replied. "You're not missing," he pointed out, letting himself fall backwards onto his bed. "And I was the one who called her to let her know your whereabouts. I think it's unfair for her to hate me." "It doesn't matter," I told him.  
He pushed himself up with one hand, bracing his head against it so that he could look at me, one eyebrow raised. "Really, now?" "It's not like you're my real boyfriend," I added.

"Well," he said, pushing himself up to a sitting position. "My friends' parents happen to like me, but I'm not exactly swapping spit with any of them, so I don't see how our relationship should matter." "Hold on." I held up a finger. "You're telling me that parents actually like you?" "Oh. Ha-ha." He gave me a flat look. "I'll have you know, they all love me." "That, I find hard to believe." "Let me meet your mom," he said, thrusting his nose up in a defiant gesture. "She'll love me. I'll show you." I snorted. "Yeah, that's going to happen." It was when I happened to roll my eyes that I caught sight of the sketchpad sticking out under his bed. I didn't really see much of it but I recognized it enough from last night. At first, he looked confused when I walked over to his bed, but as soon as I crouched down to grab it, realization hit him. He sprang to his feet on the other side of the bed just as I pulled the sketchpad out. "Just one look," I told him. He shook his head. "Please?" I tried even though I already knew that any attempts to make him reconsider were futile. "You called my mom without my permission." "If you're going to hold me to that," he said, "then I swear I'll let you get even some other time." It was tempting, so tempting, to run out of the room in the hopes that he won't catch up to me until I reach the bathroom, where I could lock myself in to take a peek. He could find the keys, I suppose, but retrieving them would probably give me enough time to take a peek. He could break down the door, but I was almost certain he wouldn't want to destroy it when his mother was coming back home tomorrow and he will have to be in school all day. He wouldn't be given a chance to repair it in time. One look at his face was enough to convince me not to do it though. It wasn't just that usual impenetrable wall that stood between me and his real thoughts. There was worry or dread, something akin to fear, written in the way his face had frozen, and I knew I couldn't do that. Not to him. I held it out to him, almost reluctant, and his relief was obvious when I held it out to him

"Thank you," he muttered, his shoulders relaxing with a sigh. It was somewhat sobering to see him like this. He seemed so relieved you would've thought I had him at gunpoint and I had just dropped my weapon to let him go. It was enough to throw me off, but I quickly recovered. "You owe me." At this, his mouth twitched a little to a small smile. "Right." After sharing some leftover pizza he had in their fridge, he showed me to the room at the end of the hall. It was the guest room, but even it hadn't escaped the flawless uniformity of the whole house. The bed was smaller than the one at Bellamys room, but the sheets seemed just as soft, and I had a feeling this was a lot of improvement from the couch I had slept in the past night. He was already halfway out the door when he suddenly stopped. I looked at him from where I was already sitting on the bed, wondering if there was something he had forgotten. "Yes?" I prompted. "Is there... anything you need?" He seemed to think about it for a while, then he opened his mouth to speak only to snap it shut again. Then, with a shake of his head, he said, "Good night." I wasn't sure what that was all about, but I settled with saying, "Good night,Bellamy" He closed the door on his way out. I expected myself to fall asleep immediately, but when I turned the light off and tried to sleep, I only ended up tossing and turning, trying and failing to look for a comfortable position. I tried to keep my eyes shut, telling myself not to move around too much until my system shut down on its own, but it was proving to be nearly impossible to lie there waiting for sleep to come around. I wasn't sure how long I'd been lying there, unable to force myself to fall asleep, before I decided I needed a glass of water, or perhaps milk. I got out of my room and fumbled in the dark for the lights, trying not to make a sound in case Bellamy was already asleep. There was no light coming from under his room's closed door so I assumed he was already sleeping. So when I heard him say "Hey" five minutes later in the kitchen I couldn't help but let out a loud shriek. "Jesus" he said just as I whirled around to see him giving me an expression of disbelief

 

"You fucking scared the crapout of me," I cried. "All I did was say 'hey.'" "I thought you were asleep." "Well, I wasn't," he said, lifting his shoulders in a vaguely annoyed gesture. "Why are you even up?" "I couldn't sleep," I admitted. "Ah." He nodded, then his lips tugged into a small smile. "I know just the trick." I raised an eyebrow, watching him with mild curiosity as he walked towards the fridge. He took the milk out and made his way to the stove. He placed the carton on the counter before reaching up the cupboard to retrieve a small stainless pot. "I prefer my milk warm," he told me as he switched the stove on and placed the pot on top While the milk was heating up he took two mugs from the dish rack and I was surprised when he took a bottle of honey from the fridge and put a bit on each mug. "Octavia used to prepare milk this way" he explained even though I hadn't really asked "When I was a kid I hated how milk tasted like nothing so she put a bit of honey in mine and I kind of end up getting used to the taste" "Why don't you put it directly while the milk is heating?" He shrugged. "This was how she used to do it," he replied. "And doing it exactly the way she did kind of lets me pretend that she was the one who made it for me" That much I understood, so I didn't say anything more. We both waited until the milk was warm enough He filled the mugs to the brim and stirred both just the slightest bit before handing one of them to me. I took a tentative sip hoping the honey hadn't ruined the whole thing, and I was surprised to find that I liked it. I took another sip, a bigger one, and he must have noticed this because he smiled. "Since I couldn't sleep," he said, "I was thinking I'd watch some movies. Want to join me?" I figured I might as well do something else other than lie in that bed and force myself to sleep so I agreed. Of course I hadn't known that he wanted us to watch in his bedroom. I put up a fight at first telling him we could just set up in the living room or something but he said he already set everything up in his room. "I'm beginning to think this is all a ploy to lure unsuspecting girls to your bedroom Bellamy"

 

"Ah," he said, feigning disappointment. "Busted." I shook my head, trying to fight a smile. "You're impossible." "Impossibly attractive." "Impossibly in love with yourself, you mean." He simply grinned and flicked the lights off. He led the way up to his bedroom and I kept reminding him not to try anything funny unless he wanted me to cut his balls off and sew them to his face or whatever, and when we settled on his bed, I made sure we were sitting as far away from each other as I could manage. "Well," he said, eyeing the empty space between us, "It's always great to find someone who treats you like you have some sort of contagious disease." "Yeah?" I said, offering him a sweet smile. "Then you'll be glad to know that I won't stop treating you this way." Of course, I really did mean it when I said that. What I didn't mean was for me to fall asleep in his bed halfway through We're the Millers; or for him to fall asleep as well; and never in my life did I mean for me to wake up the next morning to find myself cuddling with Bellamy Blake in his bed


	14. Chapter 14

Bellamy and I almost didn't make it to homeroom in time so when we got there just in time for the bell to ring, we both slumped into our chairs, trying to catch our breaths. We had run all way from the parking lot to the classroom and even Bellamy who was anything but physically challenged, seemed to be exhausted as well, so imagine how I would have felt.

"This was your fault." I no longer felt like heaving in a full tank of oxygen, but I was still wheezing heavily. "If I'm not mistaken," he said, "you woke up late too." "Only because you didn't even set an alarm," I shot back. "Just drop it," he said. "It's quite obvious you found it very comfortable cuddling with me anyway." "I most definitely do not feel-" Before I could finish the sentence, however, Mr. Lowenstein came in. The class immediately fell silent and I found myself shrinking back to my seat.

I settled with sending Bellamy a withering look instead, but he merely looked at me with a triumphant smirk on his face. I groaned and looked away. Just as I fished out my binder from my bag, he slipped me a folded piece of paper, ripped from the back of his ruled notebook. I looked at him and he made a signal for me to open it. I let my gaze drop on the paper. I opened it to see the words Just admit it griffin. You loved it, along with a ridiculous winky face added at the bottom of the paper. I gave him the finger.Bellamy once again, managed to drag me to the cafeteria with him for lunch. 

 

I didn't have any plans of eating with them, still not quite used to the idea of eating there when both Raven and Ryder were also present, but the moment I stepped out of my classroom, I found Bellamy waiting for me by the doorway. "Won't they mind?" I asked him even though we were already halfway to the cafeteria. "What are you talking about?" "I don't want to intrude," I told him. "In fact, I prefer eating on my own." 

 

That wasn't exactly true, but I really was worried that they might actually not want me there. In fact, it wasn't like they would have liked if they knew that Bellamy Blake wasn't really into me. And if I was being completely honest with myself

And if I was being completely honest with myself I was also worried that I might end up getting used to being around his friends that I'd forget how to deal with being alone I couldn't let that happen because If there was one thing I learned about being alone it was that it gets easier the longer you're left on your own You get used to empty passenger seats and silent dinners You get used to not talking and not letting people in At this rate however I was pretty sure my walls would sooner than later fall apart and I couldn't really afford that not when I knew I'd only be alone later on when this whole thing with him was over Bellamy however was completely oblivious of my concerns and when I tried to go he grabbed my hand.

 

"Don't be stupid" he said "Don't you know what Lexa would do to me if I showed up without you in tow?" All thoughts of refusing were quickly beginning to disintegrate and once again I let him lead the way

I've always liked studying History I knew a lot of people didn't perhaps because the exams were brutal with all those dates and events, but I was fond of learning those little details that eventually led to the here and now.

 

At the moment, however the last thing I wanted to do was go to my History class The image of Ryder and Raven together at that park still burned crystal clear in my mind and no matter how hard I tried to erase it I couldn't. It stayed there stuck like someone had permanently glued it to my brain.

Seeing him from afar in the cafeteria was one thing, but sitting next to him was another one completely. Still it wasn't like I could cut class, so I still went. I half-expected him to try to spark up a conversation, to say something about what happened, but he kept quiet I was grateful that he did. I wasn't sure I could have held back if he tried to even speak to me.

I told myself that I could get through this; that all I needed was to sit and pretend I didn't know him for the next hour But of course Mr Callahan just had to chose this day to give us a seatwork halfway through the lecture. "I'll give you and your buddies the rest of the period to work" he said and promptly sat behind his desk

looking expectantly at all of us. The rest of the class buzzed to life dragging chairs closer to work easier, chatter immediately rising and filling the classroom. Amidst all the activity going on around us however Ryder and I sat unmoving.

 

I had no idea what was going on in his head but the things going through mine weren't exactly pretty I sat there, seething, cursing my luck and the stupid buddy rule and the stupid seatwork before finally deciding that the only thing I could do was get this over with. Finally, I took my textbook out, and turned to Ryder"I'll work on the first five items," I said. "We're supposed to brainstorm together" he pointed out. "No one would know the difference." I wanted the discussion to be over I wanted him to back off I wanted him to shut up and stop bothering me and just get the fuck out my life. Almost as though he heard my thoughts, he shut up.

 

I began to work right away, trying to distract myself from thoughts of Ryder It was proving to be a difficult task. I could feel all the words I wanted to tell him from the day he dumped me burning at the back of my throat, threatening to spill out especially after what I'd seen yesterday. But I kept my mouth shut. It wasn't worth it, I told myself. He wasn't worth it Soon enough I immersed myself into poring over the answers and even though it had been difficult I managed to focus completely on the task at hand We both ignored each other as we worked, a stark contrast to the way everybody else around were working.

 

I was almost done with my part when he suddenly spoke again "I dropped by your house," he said quietly. I didn't look at him but I stopped scribbling, almost involuntary I bit the insides of my cheek hard enough to make them feel numb, and did my best to keep my mouth shut. When I didn't say anything, he said, "You weren't there" I closed my eyes and fought the urge to take a deep breath. "You never came home." "And your point is?" I snapped "Where were you?" He looked at me his face blank and I looked back I hoped he could see my anger I hoped he knew how much I despised him

 

I kept my eyes on his cold and unyielding and let my lips take the form of a smirk "Do you even have to ask?" I stared at myself in the mirror bracing my hands against the sink I took three deep breaths, trying to calm myself to shake off all thoughts of Ryder Only when my phone buzzed with a message from Bellamy did I finally get out of the bathroom I walked all the way to the parking lot where he was waiting for me, and found him leaning against his car.

 

The smile slid off his face as soon as he saw the look on mine He pushed himself off his car a jolt of alarm briefly coursing through his searching blue eyes "What's wrong?" I looked up at him suddenly pissed when I realized how easily he could read me We didn't even know each other that much but he had seen so many of my secrets and weaknesses He had seen me break down, for fuck's sake and he knew me well enough to notice that something was wrong and all this time it felt like I hardly knew him at all It was so unfair really and before I could stop myself, I said, "Question game."

 

He studied me for a moment calm and calculating. His eyes never once betrayed the impassive look on his face, not even when he gave me a nod. "Sure" I thought about asking him again about the person who had broken his heart about asking him how he managed to get over her (or him for that matter)about forcing him to tell me what had happened to them and how he dealt with the aftermath of a broken relationship But deep inside me I knew he wasn't going to ever tell me anything about it. At least not now. So instead I found myself asking him something that had been creeping at the back of my mind since the day I realized Bellamy hated Ryder just as much as Ryder loathed Bellamy Either way everything somehow led back to this considering that the only reason Bellamy and I were doing this whatever "this" was-was because we knew Ryder despised him that me dating him was like slapping Ryder across the face a hundred times Finally I said, "Why do you and Ryder hate each other so much?" He looked at me for a long time and I didn't look away fearing that doing so would compel him to use another pass

Just when I was beginning to think he wasn't going to answer however he did "Remember what I told you about my mother cheating on my dad?" I stared at him for a moment wondering what this had to do with anything, but then realization dawned on me. My heart dropped to my stomach. "Ryder hates me" he said and I didn't miss the dash of anger that seeped into his voice "because my mom is having an affair with his dad"

The ride to my house had been silent. After what he had told me I felt so sick that I had a feeling speaking would only make me feel worse. I had expected their hatred to be rooted by some sort of silly reason-a childhood disagreement a girl, even-and I never really thought much about it I hadn't expected it to be something as big as this-something that was way beyond them It didn't make sense I'd seen Ryder's dad I had probably seen him more often that I'd seen my mother for the last few years He was the kind of guy who cracked jokes and nursed stray cats with missing eyes He was the kind of guy who would keep his ex-wife's picture on display even though she had walked out on him years ago just so Ryder wouldn't end up hating his own mother There was no way he could be in an affair with a married woman But judging from Bellamys silence I could tell that he had only told me the truth and somehow I couldn't help but wish I could undo ever asking him about it.

 

My thoughts were muddled with my attempts to find something that would tell me it wasn't true, but when they settled I let myself try to deconstruct the situation.

It didn't make sense for Ryder and Bellamy to hate each other for their parents' mistakes. It wasn't like they could do anything about that, and it wasnt like any of it was the other's fault but I couldn't ask Bellamy about it so I just contemplated on the thought in silence as we drove.

 

Only when we rounded into my street did I remember that I had my own problems to deal with. The house came into view and I was suddenly seized with a mild sense of panic I still hadn't thought of how I should face my mother after our argument and if I had another choice I would have chosen to never go home at all

Bellamy hadn't said a word throughout the whole ride but as soon as he parked the car in front of our house, he said, "Let me talk to her too." "What?" He turned the engine off and took the keys out. "It looks like you're going to introduce your boyfriend to your mother griffin" Before I could protest he was already getting out of the car. I followed suit growing frantic. "Are you out of your fucking mind?" I hissed at him but he was already walking to the front porch 

 

I ran to catch up with him grabbing him by the elbow to keep him from getting any closer to the door. "Go home Bellamy" "No," he refused but he didn't exactly try to take another step forward "This is crazy," I muttered under my breath before looking back at him. "I can handle this Bellamy You said it yourself-she hates you" He gave me an infuriatingly confident smile. "Only because she hasn't met me yet" "Bellamy" I said through gritted teeth. "Look" He turned to me looking me straight in the eye. "I can see you're not ready to face her yet" I stopped short "So let me help you" he said. We looked at each other neither of us daring to look away but before I could even decide whether I should accept his offer or not, however the front door swung open and out came my mom looking at both of us with her hands crossed over her chest To say she looked unhappy would have been an understatement. For a prolonged moment of strained silence the three of us just stood there sizing each other up and waiting for someone to make a move. Mom's eyes raked over Bellamy and she pressed her lips into a thin line before turning her steely eyes on me I stared back unyielding willing her to see that I was just as pissed off as I was It was Bellamy who broke the silence first.

 

"Good evening, Mrs griffin" My head snapped to his direction and when he paid me a brief glance I shook my head trying to tell him to back off and shut up, but he ignored me and looked back at my mother "I'm Bellamy Blake" he continued "Clarke's boyfriend" Mom's eyes narrowed at the word but she didn't even bother to give him a reply. She made no effort to hide her frown as she turned back to me

"It's nice of you to finally come home" "That's funny" I shot back "I've lost count on how many days I've wanted to say those exact same words to you" She took in a sharp breath and stared at me in stunned silence For a moment I thought I'd seen hurt a flicker of hurt in her eyes and I almost wanted to take the words back, to tell her I didn't really mean them, but she quickly recovered Her eyes hardened and her jaw grew taut. I'd declared war against her-threw the first shot and made sure it hit home-and she wasn't backing down

 

She squared her shoulders, regarding me with a cold look I'd never seen on her until now, and already I knew that things between us weren't going to get fixed quite yet. I was starting to think they might never get fixed ever

I had originally planned to climb up my room without acknowledging Mom at all, but as soon as Bellamy left on my insistence she said "I'm very disappointed in you." I stopped abruptly my resolve to try not to get into an argument with her quickly melting away, and before I knew it I was already whirling around to look at her. "Disappointed?" I spit out. "You are disappointed in me?" "You can't go running to some pretty boy's house just because you're-" "He is not just some pretty boy." "I expected better of you." Her voice was just as firm as mine was. "I did notraise you to be the kind of girl who wouldn't go home for two nights just so she can fool around with the next boy she sees." "You were never even there to actually raise me!"

 

Something inside me snapped, freeing everything that I've been keeping in for so long, and when she flinched back, I was filled with a sick sense of satisfaction "You hardly come home Mom and when you do you're too busy working to even fucking look at me" She recovered, her eyes hardening into tiny narrow slits. "That is not true" Then, in a louder voice, she continued "I have been working to make sure you get a good future I raised you and you know that"

 

"Raising your child requires more than just leaving twenty dollars on the counter to make sure I don't starve for the day." I shook my head, feeling as if the words themselves were strangling me and the only way to keep them from choking me was to let them out, let them all fucking out. "Do you even have any fucking idea what's going on with my life? You can't just decide to suddenly start acting like my mother-" "I am your mother," she said. "I know I've been-" Before she could finish what she was saying, however, her phone rang. The shrill ringtone sliced through the otherwise silent house.

 

For a moment, neither of us said anything, but for the first time since we began to talk, she looked away from me to check her phone. I inhaled sharply, daring her to pick it up and fucking answer the call, and even though I knew she would, I felt my heart drop to my stomach when she finally reached for it. I staggered back, feeling as though she had just dropped a fucking nuclear bomb on me.

 

"This conversation isn't over," she said and the bomb exploded, flinging me out towards this never ending stream of fire and pain and suffering as bits of shrapnel dug into my skin; the impact severing all ties that bound us to each other. "It is" I told her. "You already finished it" And I left before she could see me bleed.


	15. Chapter 15

Things between my mom and I have always been complicated but they were never quite as complicated as this Over the years the two of us have developed this unspoken system between us I try to do well in school and get out of her way while she focuses on her work She always claimed it was so we would have enough money but it wasn't like we were in constant need for money Her job paid well enough I suspect she just liked having something to do to keep her mind off other things I understood that of course since I had relied on the same strategy to help me forget about Dad's death I might not have immersed myself with work but I spent more and more time away from our too empty house choosing to stay with Ryder or Raven instead It helped me get through the pain until it was nothing but a dull ache one that I knew would never truly go away We might have been distant yes but we were never like this We were never truly mad at each other Not until now I wasn't quite sure what to expect after the way last night had turned out but I was surprised to find that she still left my allowance on the counter I was almost convinced she wouldn't and for a moment I considered just leaving the money there but it wasn't like I had money on me so I still took it Bellamy was late first period and Mr Lowenstein had dismissed us late so we had to rush to our next classes giving us no chance to talk to each other until lunchtime Once again he had waited for me outside my classroom My mood still hasn't improved and this must have been evident seeing as the moment Bellamy had seen me he said"I take it things between you and your mom didn't go well" "Yep"I replied trying not to think back to the argument we had last night"Are you grounded?" I snorted"Like I would let her ground me"We began to make our way to the cafeteria At this point I wasn't even going to try to get myself out of eating lunch with them I needed the distraction and it would have been futile anyway Besides Bellamy had been right when he figured eating together with his friends would get the rumors stirring even further

It was unlikely to see Bellamy with the same girl for more than just one or two times and all of a sudden this absolute nobody was suddenly sharing a table with him and his friends on a daily basis"So you'll be free on Saturday?"he asked me I peered at him not quite certain where this was going"Why?" "I don't know yet"he replied pausing to look at me as he pushed open the cafeteria door"but let's find out"Justin and Dan were in the middle of another animated debate when Bellamy and I got there(I was quickly learning that Justin was always up for a debate which was why he was always in the middle of one) Everyone was engrossed with the discussion(were they talking about pickles?) but as soon as Lexa saw me she immediately said"Your going on Saturday right?"Everyone paused to look at me I looked at Bellamy uncertainly but he simply shrugged in an I don't even know gesture and so I settled for saying"What's on Saturday?" "It's a surprise"she replied"but you'll love it"The grin on her face was nearly enough to get rid of the bad mood I'd been having all morning"I hate surprises"I admitted"You hate everything"Bellamy interjected I narrowed my eyes at him"I do not" "Yes"he said speaking matter-of-factly "you do" Before I could say anything Lexa cut in"I don't care if you have to drag Clarke here with you you better make sure she comes"she said to Bellamy"or I'm going to cut off your balls" "Your not making it easier for me to agree to come"I said Everyone laughed except for Bellamy who just gave everyone an unimpressed stare As the conversation shifted into a surprisingly elaborate discussion on different kinds of pickles I felt myself fully relax falling into the debate almost as naturally as any of them and I found myself silently thanking Bellamy for giving me the chance to join their group when I did nothing but try and push him away Just this once I told myself I just really needed the company to get my minds off things Then I made a silent promise to myself to stay away from them and their laughter and their debates before it was too late I had a feeling I was never going to keep it

 

I stayed in the library until it was dark I borrowed some books for a paper I was working on and I figured I could borrow some books to read for leisure I stayed there to work on my Geometry assignment until six when the library had to close I had been trying to delay going home not at all looking forward to going back there when things were like this between me and Mom If I could I would have stayed out forever but I had to come home eventually so when the Mrs Ramirez shooed me out I figured I didn't really have a choice Fortunately Mom was still at work-or perhaps with her boyfriend or whatever-when I got home I climbed up to my room and pretty much locked myself in to avoid running into her in case she comes home The good mood I acquired from lunchtime with Bellamy and his friends had already faded out Not only did I have a lot of assignments to do I also had to sit through another lecture in that uncomfortable silence between Ryder and me I knew I should stop letting that bother me especially since the two of us will have to sit together for the rest of the school year but it was easier said than done Suffice to say I had a bad day It wasn't like this was a new thing since I haven't had a really really good day ever since the breakup and now add everything that happened between me and my mom I was feeling quite terrible Dad always said I was melodramatic when I was younger Back in grade school the simplest things could put me in a bad mood Getting a mistake on a spelling test spilling chocolate drink on the front of my blouse tripping on untied shoelaces in front of all of my classmates Whatever it was, I would get off the bus feeling like my life was over "Why the long face?"Dad would ask me Then he'd stop working on his manuscript shut down his PC and walk over to where I was seated asking me what happened No matter how petty my issues had been he always acted like they were a matter of utmost importance and by the time I would have finished talking he'd have already grabbed the car keys from the counter

 

"I think we both need a break" he'd say"How about we go drive around town yes?"He would drop everything he needed to do just to cheer me up to drive me to the playground or my favorite pastry shop and let me pick anything I wanted to eat-I loved the chocolate cupcakes with the white frosting on top-and then he'd buy a croissant for himself and a coffee bun for my mother By the time we'd get home my mom would already be cooking dinner and it would always be one of my favorite dishes Back then, I thought it was pure coincidence how she would choose to cook something that would cheer me up but later I began to think thank perhaps Dad had told her I had a bad day or that she knew me and Dad well enough to know that the only time we'd leave the house on a weekday was when he wanted to cheer me up Whichever it was I was thankful because at that time it felt like there was nothing in the world that could go wrong that all I needed was a day out with my dad and my mom cooking one of my favorite meals and everything would just be fixed The sad thing was that none of the things that really mattered could be fixed as easily as that I'd like to think otherwise I'd like to think that I could get through this after a trip to the playground and even if that didn't work I was fairly certain Dad would have known what to do or what to say to make it all better But the problem was that he was no longer here He may have been gone eight years now but for all I knew I could still be the same little girl who needed a day out with him because no matter how many years have passed his absence still hurt like a fucking bitch

I had been in the middle of watching a Youtube video that was supposed to help me understand Chemistry more(it wasn't)when my phone buzzed with a text I had to dig through the papers strewn all over my study desk before I found it hiding beneath my thick Physics book It was Bellamy Have you eaten?I hadn't really noticed that it was already time for dinner until his text As usual my mother was still out and while I knew that was a good thing considering how badly I didn't want to be around her I couldn't help but note with a slight twinge of hurt that I was foolish to believe that our argument would make her change Pushing the thought away I typed in a reply Not yet Before I could even get back to the video I was watching his reply arrived Good Confused I texted back and asked him why not quite sure where we was going with this It didn't take long for his reply to come Become I'm already outside your house Have dinner with me? I nearly fell off my chair in my haste to hurry to the window I opened it to get a better view of the front lawn and sure enough Bellamy was standing right outside leaning against his car I opened and leaned down"What are you doing here?"I half-yelled"I was in the neighborhood"he replied his voice carrying surprisingly well all the way up here"I didn't see your mom's car so I figured your probably moping around about not having anyone to eat dinner with" "I wasn't"I lied"Were you really in the neighborhood or are you just saying that?"He snorted"Don't flatter yourself griffin Mom asked me to do some errands"When I didn't move from where I was he lifted one shoulder in a slight shrug "So are you going to come down or am I supposed to climb all the way up there and drag you with me?"I had a feeling he was only half-joking about the climbing part so I said"I'll be there in a sec"He grinned"Great"

I hadn't changed out of the clothes I wore to school earlier so I just grabbed my phone and wallet before running downstairs My hair was now hanging limp on my shoulders so I put it up in a high ponytail before leaving the house through the front door Hesitantly I walked over to where he was leaning against his car"Hey"he said but if he noticed the suspicious look I was giving him he didn't care "Come on" "Where are we going?" "I was thinking we could eat at Parker's but if there's somewhere else you'd like to go to that's fine too"Even as he opened the car door for me I stayed rooted in place I eyed the empty passenger seat before dragging my eyes back to the expectant look on his face"Why are you doing this?"He smiled "Eating alone is never fun"I watched him carefully studying him closely and trying my best not to think too much of this situation but I couldn't help it All thoughts led to the fact that he was here holding the car door open in front of my house just because he knew I would be alone For a moment I just looked at him trying to ignore the rush of gratefulness that swept over me I looked away trying to get my bearings back before walking to his car without another word He made his way to the driver's side after shutting my door close When he got in he immediately put something on the stereo I raised an eyebrow at the CD he put in not quite pegging him as the type of person who would buy CDs when he could just easily get something from the internet "Why were you in the neighborhood again?"He pulled out of the driveway maneuvering the car with ease "Mom asked me to pick up some pictures from her workmate It's for an article she's working on"After what he'd told me about his mother having an affair with Ryders dad I wasn't quite sure how to react to this piece of information I hadn't seen his mom yet but try as I might I couldn't help but make up my mind about her judging her before I even had the chance to meet her Almost as if he read my mind he said"Sometimes I like to pretend that I don't know about the affair"

I tried to read the expression on his face but he kept it blank I swallowed wondering if pushing the subject would mean overstepping on some kind of boundary but since he was the one who brought it up I figured it was okay"Does she know?"I kept my eyes on his profile half-expecting the expression on his face to shift but it didn't"That you know about it I mean" "Yeah"He swallowed"Yes she knows She... she asked me not to tell him saying she wanted to do it herself"I was at a complete loss for words so I didn't say anything"I want to tell Dad"he continue voice growing quiet "I've always wanted to tell Dad I would pick the phone up determined to call him but I never do"The impassive expression faltered and I knew right then just how much this was eating him inside I wanted to reach out to him to help him out but even I didn't know what I would have done if I was in the same situation as him Finally I looked away I tried to put myself in his shoes tried to imagine how I would feel if I was the one whose mother was cheating on her husband I would have hated my mother I wondered if he felt the same way I wondered about a lot of things but I didn't ask I kept my mouth shut and looked out the window pushing away the questions I wanted to ask It wasn't my place to ask It was none of my business at all In fact there were a lot of things I didn't really need to know about Bellamy but that didn't mean I didn't want to find out Bellamy must have sensed the sudden change in my mood because he immediately changed the topic turning to me with a too-bright smile"Are you excited about Saturday?" "Im not really sure"I replied honestly"I'll have you know that I really do hate surprises" "You'll have fun Trust me"He grinned at me"Oh and are you going to be free on Friday? It's Lexas birthday We're having a party"

The word party would have been enough to scare me off completely but the mention of Lexas birthday muted the dislike I felt towards parties"If she wanted me to come Im sure she would have invited me" "It's a surprise"he said"It was Warren's idea"At thisI was reminded of the way Lexa and Warren interacted It wasn't like they kissed or held hands in front of us but there was just something different about the two of them so I found myself asking"Are Lexa and Warren dating?"He laughed a little shaking his head"They used to"My thoughts came to an abrupt halt"What?" "They broke up a year ago"That didn't make sense"But... they're still friends"We stopped at spotlight giving him an opportunity to look at me He didn't seem all that surprised to see how confused I was"They are" "That's impossible"It couldn't happen There was no way they could have stayed as friends when they already broke up and it was easier to believe that Bellamy was only making fun of me Judging from the serious look on his face it didn't seem likely"It's not"he replied"They just moved on"I shook my head "No one can just forget about the past like that"He shook his head his brows creasing together as he lifted his gaze to mine"Moving on isn't forgetting Clarkey"he said"Moving on is being able to remember without hurting" "How can it not hurt?"I said defiantly He seemed to think about it for a while the silence stretching for a while then he said"Hell if I know"The light turned green He looked away and shifted gears"But I'll be damned if I don't try to find out"


	16. Chapter 16

Never would I have thought that I would ever find myself helping out to organize a party that involved two kegs and loud bass-filled music, but there I was in Bellamys car sitting on the passenger seat, watching as he disappeared inside a house to I was informed pick up the kegs I didn't really sign up to help, but I had been inadvertently tagged into the whole thing whether I liked it or not And the truth was that I did like it. It had been three days since I found out about the whole surprise party Warren had decided to organize for Lexa and I was surprised to find out how much work and planning had to be done for this to be possible. The hardest part I learned was trying to keep it from Lexa It wasn't that she was particularly nosy, but Lily and Justin just seemed to be completely, utterly bad at keeping secrets. They jumped whenever Lexa mentioned anything that reminded them of her birthday and I had grown accustomed to Dan pulling Lily's hand away from her lips to keep her from nibbling on her nails. Sure enough I had broken the promise I made to stay away from them.

 

I had been eating lunch with them for the past three days and no matter how many times I tried to convince myself that I'd stay away as soon as Lexas birthday was over I knew there was no way I'd be able to go back to eating on my own again. Their laughter was contagious. The easy conversations and the good-natured insults were comforting and I was beginning to really look forward to being able to spend time with them. I had grown to be more conscious of watching Warren and Lexa interact and I realized how different they treated each other compared to the way they've been treating the others. I've caught them exchanging looks when Justin complained about a quiz or two or when Rev told Justin to shut up as if they could carry an entire conversation just by looking at each other. Sometimes they would say something that no one else would get-an inside joke that didn't involve the others-and they'd look at each other laugh and shake their heads All that was missing was the usual displays of affection and anybody would have mistaken them for a couple It just didn't add up

Still I did my best not to ponder too much about how this was possible-how they managed to be friends coexisting around each other like neither of them remembered that they shared a past together-so I didn't bother asking Bellamy about them again Besides I felt like I didn't really need to ask anyone to see how they must have been as a couple Lexa with her violent tendencies and Warren with his easygoing attitude effectively deflecting her somewhat brute attitude. They made a good couple. It had me wondering if Ryder and I could be like this as well but no matter how much I tried to think about it, it didn't seem likely In fact I knew it was impossible. We could never be whatever Lexa and Warren were. I for one, certainly had no plans of organizing a party for Ryders birthday. I'd seen Warren worry over the littlest things,  
getting more and more stressed out as some things just refused to go according to plan lexa however seemed to be used to dealing with a surprisingly panicky Warren. "This is never going to happen" Warren had been saying for the past hour since last period ended looking absolutely miserable. One would have told him the world was ending and he couldn't possibly look more grief-stricken than he already did "Look at me." Bellamy had said, placing both hands on Warren's shoulders. "Look at me You can do this We can do this" Warren didn't look convinced"Say it with me" Bellamy said carefully "We can do this" Warren complied and by the time Bellamy and I had to go to pick up the kegs Warren had gotten his shit together and was no longer moaning about the stupidity of his idea It had been fifteen minutes since we left the campus. Warren had practically drilled every step of the plan into our heads-from distracting Lexa and letting her believe we will only be eating out at some seafood restaurant on the next town to setting things up at Rev's backyard-that when I checked the clock on the dashboard, I knew the others were probably on their way to Rev's Bellamy emerged from the side of the house, hoisting a keg over one shoulder and a burly man holding an identical one followed right behind him

Their house was filled with different kinds of artwork making it seem like a museum of its own and if I hadn't been rushing to help out, I probably would have spent the whole day poring over each painting and sculpture carefully. Warren seemed to grow more and more frantic as the clock ticked closer to seven so Bellamy of course, was always hovering around him to snap him back to focus. Around fifteen of their other friends helped out, so it wasn't that difficult for us to set things up. When everything was in place we slumped into different seats all of us exhausted from all the rushing we had to do. We still had five minutes to seven when Lily had told us that she and Lexa were on their way The only one who still hadn't settled down was Warren Everyone tried to calm him down but he refused to sit still, convinced that something would go wrong so he kept checking everything again and again. I caught Bellamys gaze from across the lawn motioning to his best friend, who was now mumbling incoherently under his breath. He simply shrugged, but his face broke out into a wide grin. I couldn't help but grin back. Two hours later the party was in full swing. People wouldn't stop showing up. I didn't even recognize half of them, but the crowd gradually grew milling around as the whole place started to resemble the parties in those movies. I personally didn't like being inside the house when so many people were in it, the music thumping loud, making everything feel cramped, so I stayed in the backyard, where there were considerably less people.   
I took a sip of my coke, watching the scene play out before me, feeling a faint smile on my lips appear when I remembered how Lexa had reacted to the whole thing the moment we yelled surprise. She stood there, stunned, before her eyes began to water In typical Lexa fashion she stubbornly wiped the tears. "Fuck you guys," she had said "fuck all of you." At some point, somebody pushed Warren out of the crowd, and Lily told her it was Warren's idea, "So yes, I approve of you fucking him" she said

 

Warren had blushed, especially when Lexa threw her arms around him and began to mutter quite a few obscenities coupled with the occasional "thank you" and "I love you so fucking much" Lexa engulfed everyone in a hug and thanked us all profusely. When she got to me she hugged me so tightly I was almost sure one of my ribs had been bruised. Then, she pulled away and thanked me. "I didn't do much" I replied. "Really. It was all Warren" "I'm not thanking you for just this," she said, gesturing to the party that was beginning to pick up by then. "I'm just really glad Bellamy found someone like you I haven't seen him happy for so long." "You think he's happy?" "You know that wide goofy grin of his?" she said. "I hadn't seen that since Sarah" I felt my heart sink to my stomach "Sarah?" Before Lexa could elaborate however she was pulled away by some of her friends wanting to greet her, and then I lost her in the crowd. Sarah must have been the girl who broke Bellamys heart. Who else could it have been? I thought back to what she said, about how the last time she'd seen Bellamy truly happy was when he was with her. Was that a time before he started wearing his mask? Before he began prancing around the school with that fake smile of his? I tried to wave those thoughts away, but they only made way for the other thing Lexa had said. Had Bellamy really been happier ever since we started this whole charade? And if he was what did that mean? From where I was seated I could see him seated on the wooden railing around the back porch with a couple other guys from school. There was a wide smile on his face as he joked around with them, and despite the noise around us, I felt like I could pick his laughter out from the rest. He must have sensed that someone was looking at him because he looked over without warning. Under normal circumstances, I would have looked away immediately, but his face still held remnants of his laughter so that his lips were stretched out into a grin, his eyes crinkled just the slightest bit on the corners, and for a moment, I felt like somebody had knocked all the air out of me. Before I could look away he was already standing up waving goodbye

 

to the guys he was hanging out with. I tried and failed not to watch him make his way to me, but I was still thinking about what Lexa had said-both the bit about Sarah as well as the part where she was convinced he was happier lately-and for some reason I felt as though I didn't know how to face him. "Hey" he said brightly plopping onto the seat next to me "Why aren't you out there having fun?" I raised an eyebrow at him. "What makes you think I'm not having fun?" "Well," he said stretching out his legs and crossing them at the ankles. He tipped his head back to drink some of his beer then he said, "You don't look particularly happy." The conversation reminded me of what Lexa had just said about him and his happiness, and without thinking about it I said, "Are you?" He turned to me, his brows crinkling together "What?" I cleared my throat and looked away from the puzzled expression on his face"Happy" I expected him to joke around say something about being in a party and enjoying life or whatever bullshit he could come up to get his way out of this question, but he stayed quiet I snuck a look at him and was surprised to find him staring wistfully at the direction of the house. After what felt like the longest stretch of silence ever he said, "I think so." "Really?" I asked him, genuinely surprised. He looked away from the party then, turning to me so that his blue eyes were piercing mine. "Yeah" he replied. "Really" I wanted to ask him why but his gaze rendered me speechless so I forced myself to look away before I could let myself get sucked into a trance. The moment I looked away however my eyes landed on an all-too-familiar figure emerging from the house.   
I froze. "What's wrong?" I heard Bellamy say but he must have followed the direction I was looking at "What the fuck's he doing here?" I couldn't say anything in reply, still too busy processing the sight of Ryder intruding in on this night Bellamy stood up his hands automatically clenching into fists At that moment I wouldn't have been surprised if he went right up to Ryder to punch him, but he didn't. Instead he held a hand out to me

 

"Come on." His voice was calm, but I could see his eyes blazing. I stared at his outstretched hand for a moment before saying, "Where?" "I think it's time for us to give that bastard a show," he replied, holding his hand out for me. "Ready to take our fake relationship to the next level Griffin?" I wasn't sure what he meant not really, but when I looked back to where Ryder was standing with a bunch of his friends, apparently unaware of our presence, I felt everything rushing to me again and it was all I could do to keep my head up so the emotions wouldn't engulf me completely I looked back at Bellamy-steady reliable Bellamy-and the hand still hovered in the space between us. Before I could think about it, I grabbed onto it. Afraid to drown. Afraid to sink Bellamy was like a lifesaver and I held onto him Ryder looked surprised to see me and Bellamy holding hands as we rudely made our way past him and his friends Seeing Ryder in class was one thing-that was inevitable and familiar no matter how painstakingly difficult it was-but seeing him here, reminding me of the side of him that I never even knew existed was another thing entirely I kept my eyes forward not once looking at him, and let Bellamy pull me forward, maneuvering through the crowd with ease As my mind cleared up I let myself think of what he had just suggested and what he really meant when he said we had to take this up a notch. I knew what he meant, of course, but I wasn't quite sure about what I felt about it. He led me to the counter, where I could see more familiar faces. The others were hovering nearby. Some people were forcing Lexa to dance and Justin was playing some kind of drinking game. The others were lost in the crowd, but I knew they were probably hanging around. "Somebody must have invited him to come"Bellamy said as soon as we stopped walking "Or he and his friends heard of the party and decided to come." I looked down, still trying not to think about this whole other Ryder and I hated myself for being like this for being so affected when I knew I shouldn't even care about him anymore

 

"What better way to make him leave than to piss him off?" he asked me tugging me closer without warning "So I thought it would be a good idea to-" "Kiss in public?" He smirked "Precisely that" Before I could figure out what, exactly, I thought about the idea he had already placed both hands on my waist He hefted me up onto the counter and I instinctively placed my hands on his shoulders To say I was nervous would have been an understatement I was too painfully aware of the warmth of his hands on my waist. Tingles seemed to travel from where he was touching me towards the rest of my body and for some reason I couldn't make myself hold his gaze "So we're just going to make out?" I asked him If he noticed how off my voice had sounded he didn't show it He turned to me so that we were completely face to face stepping closer so that we were merely inches apart He lifted one hand to tuck a stray lock of hair behind my ear his thumb grazing my cheek ever so slightly "Not quite" he replied, looking at me through his lashes"No?" He didnt reply Instead he let his hand move from my face to the back of my neck I looked at him trying to stay alert but I was quickly getting drunk on our closeness and the feel of his skin on mine, causing my heartbeat to hasten and my thoughts to stop making sense "Promise you won't slap me for kissing you?" he murmured. "Not sure about that" I replied but my voice sounded unsteady  
He laughed a little his face breaking into a small grin before leaning in I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the feel of his lips on mine but I was surprised to feel them land on my forehead soft and lingering before he leaned away Not completely though He stopped just as my eyes fluttered open resting his forehead against mine. The distance between us was nearly nonexistent I could feel the blood rushing to my ears my pulse growing steadily faster louder and try as I might there was no way I could convince myself into thinking that this wasn't driving me crazy He was taking his time and I wondered if he had any idea what effect this-this whole thing-had on me that this was making me lose control

 

Slowly quite slowly he leaned in until our lips brushed together and before I could even react he was already leaning away It was just slight brush like a butterfly landing for nothing more than a split second so light and quick I wasn't even sure if it even qualified as a kiss I was frozen afraid that moving would break the gentleness of the moment Then he kissed me again longer by just two or three seconds before backing away "I'm feeling weirdly nervous" he murmured This time I was the one who leaned in The kiss was longer both our lips parting as my hands made its way to his hair I stopped long enough to admit, "Me, too" The pounding of my heart too loud and too fast made it hard for me to make sense of anything as we both leaned in my eyes automatically fluttering close as the kiss became deeper There was a quality of hesitation to it as if the two of us were treading on uncharted territory and we were afraid we'd take a wrong step and ruin everything I let my fingers weave through his hair just as his buried in mine He pulled me closer and almost absently I tugged at him too and all the hesitation fell away The kisses became deeper each one longer but just as gentle as the previous one I dissolved into his kisses until everything but him disintegrated into nothing more than an afterthought When we finally pulled away for good, we were both short of breath He said something but I was too dazed to make out what it was He must have seen the confusion on my face because he repeated it. "I said" he told me "we caused quite a commotion"   
It was only then that everything around us seemed to register my senses slowly beginning to function again I blinked trying to get myself out of the trance his kisses had put me under and realized that the people around us were clapping and hooting Lexa and the others especially louder Bellamy turned to me somewhat uncertainly and the two of us just stared at each other Then Justin emerged from the crowd nudging Bellamy with a forceful shove that broke the moment completely "Duuude" Justin said with a grin "You are so whipped"

Bellamy laughed a little. He shook his head, turning back to look at me with a smile on his face "Yeah" When his eyes met mine again, my breathing hitched. "I really am" By three the party simmered down and everyone left as quickly as they had arrived Part of me was tired but the place was a mess, and since I'd been tagged as one of the people responsible for the party that meant I was also meant to help with the grueling task of cleaning up Lexa insisted on helping out despite everyone's protests. "Technically my birthday's over guys," she told us and while we all still tried to stop hr she ignored us and picked up a black garbage bag anyway The two of us were picking up plastic cups discarded all over the place when she said, "So does this mean you and Bell are a couple now?"Bell? I flushed but didn't miss the hopeful note in her voice "I guess?" I replied uncertainly. Lexa squealed effectively making the guys, who were cleaning outside look over at her. I really was uncertain though Bellamy and I hadn't talked about it. Not just because there was no chance for us to do so but I had also been avoiding him a little, sticking to Lexa and Lily and the others, trying not to be left alone with him after the whole kissing thing. I wasn't sure why, but I just couldn't make myself face him when even the memory of it was enough to make me feel breathless "You know" she said "at first I was really worried" I picked up a semi-crushed cup from the floor and threw it in the garbage bag I was holding "Worried?" "Of Bellamy" "Why?" I asked, genuinely puzzled "Well I wasn't sure if you liked him back." She shrugged. "And it's been a while since he actually liked a girl for real and I was just worried that it might not go well for him you know?" For some reason I blushed. "Was it the kiss that convinced you?" "Well That" she paused to point at my face "and that" "What?" "Honey" she told me, "it's written all over your

 

I let my phone ring and refused to pick it up, knowing it was probably my mother again. She had called around twenty-seven or so times, but I didn't answer any of them and I didn't bother reading her texts. "Are you going to answer that?" Bellamy asked me as he plopped down to sit next to me. He was eyeing my phone, which I placed on the now spotless (thanks to Lily) table. "No" I replied. He sighed. "Is it your mom?" I didn't answer and that must have been enough of an answer for him because he didn't drop it "At least tell her you're safe." I scoffed "Like I'd care." He didn't say anything for a while, probably contemplating on what he could possibly say at a situation like this We had just finished cleaning up and now without all the distractions there was nothing I could do to avoid Bellamy Lily and Dan were so exhausted they'd both fallen asleep on the same couch, Lily curled up on Dan's lap and the last time I'd seen Justin, he was dozing on the kitchen and Rev was still busy cleaning some porcelain figurines that somebody had thrown up on Lexa and Warren had gone out for a walk outside, and while I would have preferred to tag along with them just so I didn't have to face Bellamy I knew I shouldn't intrude It was their moment. So there I was exhausted and sleepy, stuck with Bellamy "Just let her know you're not dead" he insisted.   
By now, I didn't really expect less from him, but I was too tired to have this conversation, so I said, "Drop it" I stifled a yawn as I kicked my sandals off and put my feet up, hugging my knees to myself. "Please?" He looked at me for a while before reluctantly saying, "Okay" I had originally planned to go home and sneak into my room after the party, but it lasted longer than I expected, and I was beyond exhausted. My eyelids were growing heavy and I found myself fighting sleep Bellamy didn't miss this. "Come here" he said before tugging at me. He didn't even need to use much force as he pulled me closer guiding my head to his chest and wrapping one arm around me I fought the urge to snuggle into his warmth but he was making it increasingly harder to keep myself awake. "Should I drive you home?" he asked me

 

I closed my eyes, convincing myself that I was just resting them; that I wasn't falling asleep. "Home?" "I'll take that as a no, then," he said. Every time he spoke, I could feel the vibrations from where my ear was pressed against his chest, and it was weirdly soothing. For all my talk of trying to avoid him, it was ironic how I couldn't force myself to move away. "You know," he said, "Lexa and Lily won't stop trying to tell me not to screw things up with you now that you're my 'girlfriend.'"Yeah if fake dating counts I thought "You're lucky to have them" I said but I didn't tell him that they were also lucky to have him. "Well they think I'm lucky I got you," he told me. "I mean, obviously you're the lucky one here for having me." Even though he couldn't see me I fought the urge to smile at that. "Gee Blake you know I just can't get enough of your narcissism" "Or my kisses," he said. I blushed and I might have been half-asleep but I had to protest. "I've had better" "Just admit it griffin" he said. "You enjoyed it." "I did not." "You did. You did and you know how I know that?" When I didn't say anything, he continued "Because you didn't open your eyes to see if Ryder was watching"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha THEIR KISS HAPPENED BOOM OUT BITCHES


	17. Chapter 17

"What Im saying"Justin said matter-of-factly"is that the only way to really enjoy your eggs is when they're cooked sunny side up" "You might as well eat the egg raw"Lily argued sending Justin a haughty look"Im telling you scrambled eggs are the best" "Well"Bellamy said as he walked into the kitchen"I like eggs however they are especially if they're cooked by my girlfriend"At this Bellamy sent me a wink which immediately made me blus I sent him a horrified look completely flustered before turning back to the frying pan in front of me The others cooed teasing the two of us for being "lovebirds"telling Bellamy to go"fuck off and be cheesy somewhere else"I would have laughed of course but the whole "girlfriend"thing was like a trigger of some sort and suddenly I couldn't even tell if I was holding the spatula right"I agree with Bell though"Lexa piped in um Bell?"I've never had eggs this good before Clarkey where did you learn to cook this good?" "Im not really that good"I said but I couldn't help but smile to myself It had been a while since I last had a lively breakfast with lots of people and when we woke up hungover(Justin)and still sleepy(everyone)I was more than just happy to cook I remembered falling asleep on the couch next to Bellamy but I woke up next to Lexa in one of the rooms upstairs Later she told me Bellamy carried me up when I fell asleep I thought he had fallen asleep too but apparently he hadn't and somehow I felt embarrassed that I had pretty much slept on his chest when he was still wide awake When I came down I found him sleeping on the couch It was too small for him and I wasn't sure how he slept in such an uncomfortable position but the peaceful look on his face told me he probably didn't mind it notice it that much Instead of grabbing a plate of his own Bellamy walked over to where I was standing planting a kiss on my cheek so abruptly I nearly dropped the spatula I was holding"Hey gorgeous"There was a glint of mischief in his eyes and I was positive he knew the whole girlfriend thing flustered me And the jerk was enjoying it"I can see my friends are making a slave out of you"he said

 

"One of the downsides of being my girlfriend"I took a deep breath and fought the urge to throw the egg I was holding at him"Bellamy"I said trying to keep my voice even"How do you like your eggs scrambled or splattered all over you?"He put his hands up in the universal sign of surrender but he was grinning "Scrambled please"I was tempted to mess up with Bellamys food and add too much salt or whatever but I didn't want to ruin perfectly good food just to get back at him When breakfast was over everyone pretty much stopped me from helping out with the dishes insisting that I'd done enough by cooking the"best eggs ever"so I found myself sitting with Warren and Lily on the front porch instead Warren still looked exhausted but he was no longer fussing over every little thing, and there was also a spring to his steps that told me he was satisfied with the way the party had turned out"Im just so glad everything went well" he said and I knew for a fact that he meant it"You did good"Lily said nudging him with her elbow"She was really happy"He visibly perked up at this. "Was she?" "Yep" Lily and I replied in unison Warren looked so happy to hear that that I was convinced there was definitely something more to this whole staying-as-friends thing It turned out I wasn't the only one who sensed this because before I could even think of asking him Lily said"So what happened on that walk the two of you took?" Warren shrugged and hung his head low"Nothing We just... talked"   
Lily sighed dropping her hands to her lap and focusing entirely on Warren "If the two of you are still not back together after this I am quitting life" At this Warren looked away the easy smile on his face disappearing to make way for a tired sigh"It's fine this way"he said"I'm just glad we can still hang out That's enough for me"I still couldn't understand how the two of them were managing to stay such good friends when it's obvious that there's definitely something going on between them but I thought back to what Bellamy had said about moving on

 

how it wasn't really about forgetting so much as it was about remembering without hurting If he was right about that then he was also right when he said I wasn't over Ryder It was all so complicated. I had been happier At least ever since the breakup I mean I wasn't crying in bathroom stalls or singing to the one of Adele's songs or whatever but I had to admit I wasn't completely over Ryder yet But if there was one thing I knew now though it was that hanging out with Bellamy and the others had helped me out a lot I might not be over Ryder yet but that didn't mean that I wasn't happy either "I just knew you wouldn't be ready on time"Lexa fumed She threw her hair over to one side one foot tapping furiously against the marble floor "Hurry up"Bellamy and I stood next to each other by the bar leaning forward on the counter "This"Bellamy said a hint of amusement in his voice"is why I decided to get ready early Patience isn't exactly in Lexas vocabulary" "I can see that"I replied suddenly thankful that I had chosen to get ready while everyone else stayed in the living room playing Uno cards Since I hadn't planned on sleeping over I had to borrow some extra clothes Lily had brought with her (she I learned from Dan always-always-brought extra clothes wherever she went)After seven more minutes of Lexa practically yelling for everyone to"hurry the fuck up" and Justin who was the last to take a shower telling her to"calm the fuck down"from the bathroom we all filed outside to climb into Warren's van They refused to tell me what this little"surprise"of theirs was.. I kept complaining, saying they just couldn't expect me to willingly ride a van that was inconspicuous on its own, but in the end they managed to force me into the backseat with Bellamy I frowned at him making sure he knew I really wasn't happy with the whole situation"Just tell me" "You seem to be forgetting the definition of a surprise griffin"

 

I wanted to wipe the smug expression on his face but I managed to restrain myself It wasn't really that I was angry so much as I was anxious Lexa seemed excited at least considering how she had basically tugged everyone out of Rev's house just so we could leave already regardless of whether they were fully clothed or not(Justin)and while the others didn't go yelling for everyone to hurry I could tell that they too were looking forward to wherever we were going Still I was worried that I might end up not liking whatever they had planned, and I wasn't sure what I was more concerned about not enjoying myself or the thought of disappointing them for not finding it as thrilling as they did"Don't sulk"Bellamy said nudging my foot with his when I refused to look away from the window"Just trust me You'll love it"Sometime between getting (forced) into the van and the others singing tunelessly to whatever came on the radio I fell asleep I was woken by a gentle shake of my shoulder followed by the feeling of someone brushing my hair from my face When my eyes fluttered open I found myself looking directly into Bellamys eyes In my semi-asleep state the full-on grin that suddenly appeared on his face seemed too startling"We're here"For a while I wondered what he meant by "here" then I remembered the whole "surprise" thing and I turned to the window My breathing caught in my throat I placed both hands against the cool glass pressing my forehead against it to get a better look outside The circular web of metal spinning around the vibrant reds and blues and yellows everywhere the rising and falling and zigzagging metal structure that towered above the other structures It all clicked into place I tried not to gawk as I watched the roller coaster rise slowly but steadily, until it finally reached the downward slope For a second the cart teetered like it wasn't sure of the dip but then it moved falling bit by bit at first gradually accelerating like it was gaining courage embracing the fall"I'd never been to an amusement park"I didn't mean to say it out loud but it slipped out

 

I almost wanted to take the words back because it made me feel pathetic Going to the amusement park seemed like something everybody had done as a kid "Seriously?"Bellamy asked me but when he saw the embarrassed look on my face the disbelieving look fell to reveal a reassuring smile"Well come on then"He helped me out of the van and once I was out I felt unsteady on my feet, lightheaded from my nap as well as the nervous excitement I was feeling from the thought of going to the amusement park When I was sure I wouldn't topple over I let go of his hand My eyes kept sweeping back to the higher rides but I looked away long enough to notice that the others were all waiting for Bellamy and me Lexa already halfway across the wide parking lot, waving animatedly and yelling for us to hurry I however was frozen on my spot It was stupid but I couldn't help but marvel at the sheer speed of the roller coaster and the height of the Ferris wheel listening to the loud cacophony of music and chatter and laughter and screams filling the place Bellamy inched closer so that he was standing next to me the back of his hand almost but not quite touching mine"You've really never been on an amusement park? Ever?"I looked down at my feet"Well it's not like I had the best childhood ever" "Well" he said in a voice that compelled me to look at him"If you beg hard enough I might let you hold my hand for the extreme rides" "Oh shut up" I said He laughed moving slightly closer until the back of his hand brushed against mine again Then slowly quite slowly he moved it and looped his pinky with mine"Come on" he said He started walking and I followed pretending not to think too much of the fact that our pinkies were still loosely linked together Or the fact that I didn't hate it Someone was told me that people looped pinkies when they made promises and this, walking with Bellamy with our hands linked just the slightest bit felt just like the most natural thing in the world We held on not quite holding each other so much as telling the other Im here right here connected like a promise

As soon we paid for the entrance Lexa and Lily dragged me away from the guys so that we were walking a few feet behind them We'd already entered Cloudland(which I thought was a weird name for an amusement park)and try as I might I couldn't keep myself from feeling nervous and excited at the same time We could see the guys joking around in front of us Rev and Warren simultaneously hitting Justin in the head after he I presumed made a bad joke that none of them seemed to have found funny"I swear I can't stand that much testosterone when all of them are together"Lily said with an eye-roll before looking at me and smiling. "So bellamy huh?" I wasn't quite sure how to reply to that so I ended up saying"Um yeah?" "You know"Lexa said nudging me with her shoulder"I think you and Bellamy are going to last forever I just know it"  
"Well that's what you said about you and Warren"Lily deadpanned I expected Lexa to react rather rashly but she just laughed It was either the topic didn't even bother her or she was just really good at hiding it "Right I forgot about that" "What went wrong anyway?"I asked without thinking As soon as the words were out I immediately wanted to take them back"Sorry I didn't mean to-"Lexa waved her hand in a dismissive gesture"It's fine Really I just... messed up"When I looked at her there was a faint hint of a bittersweet smile on her face Her eyes were trained on Warren who was laughing at something Bellamy was saying when she muttered"He deserves better"almost to herself Lily sort of hit Lexas head lightly"I told you:Cut the bullshit If you still love him and duh even a blind person can see you do you should just tell him"It was difficult not to let my thoughts drift away to Ryder All this time I kept telling myself that I was completely fine with the way things had ended between us but I couldn't just keep running away from him and my real feelings How was it possible for Lexa and Warren to hang out like this without feeling like someone was stabbing them over and over and over again?

No matter how much I tried to think about it the image of me and Ryder playfully talking about the past was too impossible to even imagine. They boys came to an abrupt halt in front of us waiting until we caught up with them Justin turned to us buzzing with an energy that made me think of an overexcited kid"What are we going to ride first?"All of a sudden everyone jumped up to give out their suggestions their voices mixing together so that it was impossible to make out what any of them were saying Soon enough they were launching into a debate involving the rides(I was pretty sure Lily even mentioned something about the angle of elevation of the roller coaster as compared to the angle of the sun or whatever)Bellamy stepped in between them all effectively silencing everyone else"Since it's Clarkes first time here why don't we let her decide?"Everyone agreed and turned to look at me I panicked feeling like Bellamy had just thrown me under a bus and took one step back"Me?" "Dude you should like totally pick the Viking"Justin suggested"Don't listen to him"Lexa said"Let's ride the Swans!"Warren gave her a playful shoulder nudge "You are such a girl" "But it's the Swans!"she said, crossing her arms over her chest Pretty soon everyone was back to throwing ideas out and went back to debating over it Bellamy wasn't saying anything but a small smile made its way to his face He mouthed something to me and since I didn't really know any of the rides I followed his suggestion "Let's try the bump cars?"Everyone paused and slowly agreed Bellamy gave me a look before shaking his head, chuckling under his breath "They are such kids"I had never been in a group this big before It was always just me and Ryder and Raven and I realized I'd been missing out on a lot. I always thought having Ryder and Raven was enough that I didn't really need to be friends with anyone else And maybe they really were enough but being around Bellamy and his friends was different And as much as I didn't want to admit it I had Bellamy to thank for letting me meet his friends

Now in an argument about whether or not we should share cars or get one each we all walked towards the direction of the bump cars They were giving out map printouts by the entrance earlier but Bellamy and the others refused them so I was blindly trailing behind them I couldn't stop myself from looking around as we walked marveling at every little thing that caught my attention Right next to a colorful corndog stall I noticed a little girl in braids holding hands with her mother on one side and his father on the other I forced myself to breathe in breathe out as I looked at the three of them inevitably thinking back to myself instead several years ago standing in between my mother and father their hands linked with mine. Taking a deep breath I ripped my gaze away from the family and searched instead for Bellamys familiar mop of sandy brown hair Which of course was nowhere to be found I looked around, searching through the crowd of people milling around the place but I couldn't find any of them I reached for my phone in my pocket but when I pulled it out I realized that I hadn't bothered to charge it in my attempts to avoid Mom I'd already sent her a text a few hours ago when Bellamy refused to drop the topic It wasn't much really I just let her know I wasn't lying naked in a ditch somewhere and when she tried to call, I just let the phone ring until the battery ran out Out of options I decided to look around once more hoping the bump cars would just miraculously appear in front of me I walked in no particular direction, trying to stay alert to look for everyone Just when I was about to ask people for directions(no matter how stupid it would probably make me look)I heard someone calling out my name I looked up to see Bellamy emerging from the crowd His phone was pressed against his ear as he looked around for me I instinctively stepped towards him, and when his eyes locked with mine he lowered his phone and jogged the rest of the way to me"Hey I couldn't reach your cell" he said when he was near enough"Sorry"I replied"I forgot to charge it" He opened his mouth to speak

 

but before he could even get a word out, a kid chose to bump into me from behind Caught off guard I stumbled forward, teetering for a heart-stopping moment Bellamy caught me just in time both hands shooting to grab my waist to keep me from falling I straightened up and looked up to thank him forgetting to consider the lack of distance between us I took a panicky step back startled by the sudden proximity nearly falling if I hadn't managed to catch myself"You okay?"Bellamy asked me brows creasing together as he looked at me I cleared my throat"Yeah" Behind me the kid kept running after a hasty sorry completely happy and oblivious. "Sorry"Bellamy said after a beat, scratching the back of his neck"I didn't notice we left you behind" "It was my fault" I said"I got distracted" "With what?" "It's stupid" I told him with a shake of my head but something about the expectant look on his face compelled me to continue I looked down at my hands afraid to meet his eyes"I saw this little girl with... with her mom and dad holding hands with both of them I just... I just think she's really lucky" For a second he was quiet I didn't dare look at him so I kept my gaze on my shoes wondering if he thought I was being as stupid as I thought I was. Then out of the blue he took my hand in his I looked up at him but he wasn't looking at me"You know" he said one corner of his lips lifting up to give me a teasing smile"if you wanted me to hold your hand that badly you could have just said so" Appalled I opened my mouth to deny this, but he cut me off with a laugh "Relax"he told me"I'm just joking"I scowled"Jokes are supposed to be funny"He shook his head undeterred by my clipped response"I know Im not your mom or your dad"-he lifted our joint hands-"but this should be fine right?" "It's not really necessary" I said trying to summon as much hostility as I could as I willed my blush to go away but I wasn't exactly pulling my hand away


	18. Chapter 18

They all claimed it was best to go on the bigger rides at night when the place was all lit up so we focused on going on the smaller rides instead We were eating some cotton candy on a bench near the Swans(which were actually just pedal boats) after going to the haunted house and I sat there among them, content with watching everyone interact with one another It felt kind of nice to be part of a group-especially if the members of said group kept harassing Bellamy Blake for squealing girlishly in the haunted house"I told you"Bellamy said through gritted teeth"it wasnt because of the ghosts My foot slipped"I knew for a fact that he was telling the truth and I was pretty sure everyone else did too but it was fun to see him sulk so we didn't stop teasing him Soon enough we moved on to the bigger rides Lily passing on the roller coaster because she didn't like it, no matter how much everyone tried to coax her into riding I think Bellamy expected me to be scared but as the cart moved steadily picking up speed and momentum bringing all of us along with it I felt more alive than I ever had for weeks I threw my head back I let go of the railing I screamed and laughed and let the wind whip through my hair as the sheer speed of it carried us along I loved it When we got off there were different reactions from everyone I think Warren was looking a little green and Lexa disappeared with him somewhere to calm him down apparently used to him reacting this way The others seemed fine and were already making their way to Lily who was happily eating a pack of chips while waiting for us The adrenaline rush I got from the ride still had me feeling slightly breathless as if that moment when we reached the highest peak of the roller coaster was still within my grasp I didn't know I was laughing until Bellamy pointed it out"Id never seen you have so much fun before"he said"It was awesome!"I gushed out before I could stop myself"Wow I remember having that same reaction... when I was six years old"I punched his arm"Shut up"

I liked every extreme ride we'd gone on I loved the feeling of being suspended in air for a while my body propelled by something entirely apart from me and all I had to do was let go and have faith that everything else will fall into place "Clarke come here for a bit!" From where I was seated with Lexa and Lily I looked up to see Bellamy waving for me to come over Lexa nudged me with her elbow"Go on He looks stupid waving like that" "I don't know" Lily piped in"He kind of resembles a cute puppy wagging his tail"I burst out laughing suddenly seeing the resemblance after she pointed it out and before they could literally push me to my feet I stood up and walked over to him and even without turning I knew they were probably watching me"Which flavor do you want?" he asked when I was close enough nodding the ice cream displayed behind a clear glass in a rainbow-colored ice cream stall"Vanilla"I replied without even looking at the available flavors but then I caught myself thinking back to the time we had a picnic"Scratch that I'll have a mint choco chip"His eyebrows shot up his forehead but then a slow grin made its way to his face"Mint choco chip it is then" "So tell me"he said after placing our orders"Im rubbing off on you aren't I?" "And what makes you say that?" "Babe you ordered mint choco chip" "That doesn't mean anything" I told him immediately looking away when I felt my cheeks heat up"I just think it's... refreshing And don't call me babe"He was about to say something but then we heard a shriek coming from our right We both looked to see what the commotion was all about and found Warren chasing Lexa holding out some kind of rubber snake Bellamy and I both laughed as we watched the two of them laughing even harder when Lexa realized it wasnt a real snake She stopped moving stood up straight and put both hands on her hips glaring at Warren and saying"Very funny War Very funny"I peered at Bellamy who was shaking his head at the two of them"Do you know what happened between Lexa and Warren?"Bellamy glanced at me for a second before letting his eyes settle back on the two

"Not really but I do know they're just the most frustrating couple ever" "It's just so obvious that they still like each other"I couldn't help but say. His face was blank but there was something about the look he was giving me that made me feel all weird inside"So what do you think they should do?"His eyes flittered to mine"Two people who obviously like each other"Just like the look he was giving me there was something about the question that bothered me but I chose to ignore it convincing myself it was simply my imagination"They should just tell each other"I had actually thought that he shared the same opinion so I stared at him in surprise when he suddenly let out a sigh"It's not nearly as simple as that" "You said it yourself" I pointed out"They're the most frustrating couple ever If they would just-" "Let's say Ryder appeared out of fucking nowhere to tell you he still loves you" he said cutting me off completely"and obviously you still love him what would you do?"My eyes snapped to his It felt as though he had just punched me in the gut He just threw the words out like he didn't care if they would hit me talking as if he hadn't just brought up something he knew still affected me so much"You can deny it all you want"he added"but denying something doesn't make it less true"I raised my gaze to his struggling to keep my voice even"This isn't about him" "Isn't it?"he snapped "With you it's always about him" "That's not true" "It is"He stepped forward so that we were almost face to face"It is and you know it You may be asking about Lexa and Warren but you know that this is about him" When I didn't say anything he took a step back He shook his head giving me a look that made me feel stupid"Sometimes"he added"feelings aren't enough to bury the past and all the shit that happened between now and then"My chest constricted and before I could stop myself from retaliating I was already saying "Is that how you feel about Sarah?" (Writer:Oh my look what I did SARAH is here)

 

This time he was the one who flinched He stared at me unblinking and I stared back letting him know that I wasn't just going to back down For a second I thought I saw flashes of emotions flicker on his face but then his gaze hardened "How do you know about Sarah?"His voice was calm but I could hear his anger just hiding beneath the surface I didn't bother answering him Instead I turned away to walk back to the group"You can have the fucking ice cream"I hadn't even taken two steps yet when his hand shot out to grab my arm"Who told you about Sarah?"Jerking my hand away I looked over my shoulder and leveled my gaze with his"You are a fucking hypocrite Blake and you know it"   
Almost as if my words had burned him he released me Encouraged by this I said"You keep telling me to tell you about all the shit Im going through but you're the one keeping secrets here"He clenched his hands into fists regarding me with a cold stare"I've told you a lot about myself" "And I've told you everything" I shot back my voice breaking at the last syllable I shook my head trying to compose myself as I took a step back I held his gaze for a moment waiting for his eyes to soften at least just the slightest bit but they didn't So I left ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤  
"Okay Spill" I looked up at Lexa and Lily as the two of them pinned me down with hostile glares Playing innocent I said "Spill what?" "You and Bell"Lexa yelled letting out a ragged breath"Something's up between the two of you" "What're you talking about?"I said looking at anything but them I should have known something was up when they suddenly dragged me to the bathroom with them but I'd been careless and now there I was(literally)cornered with no means of escape Lily narrowed her eyes"You fought You've been avoiding each other for like the past thirty minutes"I cringed

Somehow I knew lying to them would be futile so I let out a sigh and just turned away"It's nothing serious"I said"Really It'll pass"I tried to sidestep to get past them but they moved ridiculously in sync to block my way I bit down the inside of my cheeks resolving not to say anything until they let me through but their stares were relentless and there was no leaving this bathroom until they got what they wanted from me. "It's stupid"I insisted"Really.  
We'll work it out" "Please don't break up"Lexa said I looked at her my eyebrows automatically shooting up my forehead"Well that escalated quickly" "Im serious"she said her brows creasing together lips turning down into a slight frown"Bellamy can be an idiot and I can't really say much about his dating habits as of late but I haven't seen him this happy for so long and please please please just promise you'll talk this out?"The two of them both stared at me with wide pleading eyes, putting me on the spot so suddenly that I couldn't help but step back from the intensity of their stares I couldn't but feel slightly envious of Bellamy for having friends who genuinely worried about him; friends who would no doubt do anything as long as it made him happy"I promise"I finally lied letting out a sigh of defeat The worst part was that I knew they were right I should defuse the bomb now before it went off to blow things apart I've thought of saying sorry to tell him I didn't mean to bring Sarah up the way I did but I'd already walked away and now I was too stubborn to go back and retrace those steps back to him not when he had also fired his own arrows at me After leaving the bathroom to rejoin the others Lexa and Lily kept trying to come up with ways to leave the two of us alone but Bellamy must have been aware of this because he gave them no chance to get their way He stuck to the group talking to everyone but me and judging from the look the others were giving us I knew our peculiar behavior didn't miss them If the argument-and the aftermath of it-had bothered him at all he didn't show it

 

He just switched back to the usual him joking around with everyone except me joining when they started picking on Justin(as usual)and I wasn't sure what pissed me off more the fight itself or the fact that he was capable of acting like everything was normal Whichever it was the frustration wasnt helping me get rid of the stubborn pride that stopped me from apologizing We walked around some more poring through the stalls and repeating some of the smaller rides and Bellamy and I kept acting like we didn't know each other the slightest bit Lexa and Lily had stopped trying to push me towards Bellamy so I thought they were finally realizing that all this was futile-that whether they liked it or not Bellamy and I weren't going to talk anytime soon Of course I had assumed wrong because just when I thought they'd given up they struck Neither Bellamy nor I had seen it coming and it all happened so quickly-a shove a shutting door a lock-and the next thing I knew I was trapped in a Ferris wheel car alone with Bellamy

For a moment I almost considered jumping off the Ferris wheel if it meant not having to be stuck there with Bellamy but I knew I couldn't I heard him curse under his breath"I should have known they were going to pull this kind of shit"I didn't say anything as the car continued to rise and neither did he I refused to speak first and until he acknowledged what we'd talked about I wasn't going to open my mouth It wasn't that I wanted to stay mad at him but apologizing first would be like admitting I was the wrong one and call me prideful but there was no way I would do that when I knew that he was the one who pulled the trigger first The others could force us into rides all night long but until he admitted he was just as at fault as I was we were never going to talk I wasnt sure how long we just sat there stubbornly looking at anywhere but each other when he decided to break the silence  
"I didn't think you knew about Sarah"His voice was quiet and calm devoid of any emotion and I was relieved I realized just then to hear that there was no longer a note of anger in his voice Our eyes locked for the first time since the fight

 

I studied him first wondering if another one would break out but when I was convinced he wasn't going to begin shooting again I relaxed and let my guard down"I don't"Then louder I said"I mean I don't really know her I just heard"I looked at him to gauge his reaction All I could see however was him looking down at his hands I could almost hear the gears working in his head as he thought about it probably wondering what to say Even I didn't know what to say so I just waited With an audible sigh Bellamy finally wrenched his gaze back to mine"You have Ryder" he said. "I have Sarah"I couldn't remember a time when Bellamy blake had a girlfriend and it took me all I had to keep myself from asking him about her Had he met her before he became"popular"?Did that mean Sarah was a "nobody"(as high school clichés go)And where the fuck was she?"You think I don't get it," he said eyes fixed on his clenched fists"You think I don't understand But I do I know how it's like to feel like you've given everything to that one person" He paused and I saw him swallow not at all looking at me "I know how it feels to see her walking towards you in the hallway and you suddenly stop and think'This is it Ive found her' And everything you do everything you say everything that matters is for her"In your head you can see yourself growing up with her"His tone was even but his words tumbled out like he couldn't control them and from where I was sitting I could see that his hands were trembling"You believe that it's her it's her it's her and it will only ever be her"His words struck me so unexpectedly that there was nothing I could do but look at him, each word he said hitting home straight through the heart reminding me of how I felt as if nothing in the world could ever get between me and Ryder"And suddenly it's gone"I murmured quietly"And suddenly it's gone" he repeated Silence settled over us as we let the words hang in the air I wanted to ask moreto know more about what really happened between them But thinking about Ryder and how I would feel if Bellamy began to pry I knew it wasn't right for me to do so"Im sorry"

 

I said. Not just for the fight but for everything else too"Yeah"he said"Me too"I didn't know what else to say to that We were plunged back into silence, but it was the comforting kind of quiet There were no traces of the tension filling the air earlier and that was how I knew that Bellamy and I were fine When I snuck a look at him I realized he was looking out at the view from way up here I did too and the sight almost took my breath away There were lights everywhere-from the other rides the nearby neighborhoods the lampposts scattered around the place-and they glittered like stars in the ground"Wow"I said without thinking when we reached the highest point of the rid Bellamy's eyes slid over to mine and I was relieved to find a ghost of a smile on his face. "This is the best part of the ride" "Being this high?" "Seeing the view" he said sliding closer so that we were sitting next to each other He pointed at a bright light somewhere far out"I used to be afraid of heights when I was younger. It wasnt a phobia or anything but then the others pretty much forced me to ride with them, and when I saw the view I realized it was all worth it" "Sounds kind of familiar"I pointed out"The whole forcing bit I mean"He grinned"To be honest, I'm not really surprised that they did all this Throwing us alone together seems exactly like the kind of thing they'd do They like you"I shook my head. "Only because Im your girlfriend'" "No They really like you"Bellamy said"Lexa pretty much threatened to castrate me if I didn't talk to you and apologize"I let out a small laugh "That sounds like her all right"I looked down letting my laugh fade into a small smile"They're really good friends." "Eh they can be annoying at times but they're pretty awesome"He told me stories about them the time Lily got really drunk and told Dan she likes him(which was how they ended up as a couple)and that time when they made fun of Justin and called him 'Biebster' for at least half a year I didn't notice how comfortable I'd grown listening to him talk until I realized we were already sitting side by side

 

Our shoulders were pressed together the sleeve of his jacket brushing against my bare skin as he animatedly told me a disturbingly detailed story of Warren throwing up the one time he decided to drink alcohol, which was how he ended up vowing never to drink again. He didn't seem to notice how close we were, and for some reason, I didn't move away. In fact, from way up here, with the chilly night air biting against my skin, I was sort of thankful for the warmth his nearness offered. I listened to his stories, entranced by the wistful look on his face as he talked about him and his friends, giving me a glimpse of their lives before I came along. I felt my throat constrict at the thought and before I could stop myself, I was already speaking. "I'm sorry if I suddenly intruded in your group." He stopped, turning to me with a slight frown. "What are you talking about? They adore you." "It's just that- " I paused, struggling to come up with the right words to capture what I really wanted to say. "It's just that they're really rooting for the two of us. And it makes me feel guilty because it's not real. None of this is real." "Then," he said, prompting me to look at him. My breath caught on my throat when I saw him looking at me through his lashes, his hair falling across his forehead as he leaned just the slightest bit closer. "Let's make it real." My mind went blank. I could hear the blood pounding in my ears as my mind scrambled to make sense of what he just said. I was positive I heard him wrong, because how could he possibly say something like that to me? Before I could react, however, his face broke out into a full grin. He lifted his hand and placed it on top of my head to ruffle my hair in a gesture that was now quickly becoming familiar to me. "Relax. I was just kidding." He looked out at the view as once again, we reached the highest point of the ride. "Man, I'm starving. How long is this ride anyway?"

 

I tried to collect my thoughts, willing my heart to slow down, as I forced myself to calm down. "Hey, I was just joking" Bellamy repeated when he noticed my sudden muteness. I swallowed. "I thought I told you that jokes are supposed to be funny." "Ah, must have slipped my mind." When I didn't stop glaring at him, he nudged me with his shoulder. "Come on, I'm sorry. Relax, Griffin." I'd been telling my heart the exact same words.


	19. Chapter 19

As soon as I saw Bellamys car turn to my street I stood up from the porch steps I didnt wait for him to get out of the car or open a window I just half-jogged towards the curb and got in as quickly as I could"Drive"I said before I even had the chance to shut the door close He gave me a puzzled look but didn't argue as he shifted gears and started to drive"What's wrong?"I bit down my lower lip wondering how, exactly, to answer that before saying"Im fine" "That doesnt answer my question Clarke" "Mom was home"I said"I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible"I already told him that Mom and I had argued again when I arrived home two nights ago after our trip to Cloudland They had dropped me off at nearly midnight and I expected my mother to be asleep by then but the moment I walked in she had jumped into her lecture I vowed not to fight her to give her my silence as an answer knowing that was enough to let her know what I was feeling so I stuck to monosyllabic replies until she gave up and let me go to sleep The next day I stayed the whole day in my room and only got out when I went to grab some food It felt like the longest Sunday ever I hadnt talked to Mom at all and she seemed just as determined to give me the silent treatment too It was suffocating I made myself care less and less and less until I hardly cared about what she thought anymore but there was no way I could fully ignore her presence so I tried to keep away and I was thoroughly relieved when Monday rolled around happy to have a reason to get out of the house Mom had hidden my car keys when I was asleep Or at least I thought so I always always put them on top of my bedside drawer and I distinctly remembered leaving them there the last time I used the car but when I woke up this morning they were nowhere to be found I didn't ask Mom about them knowing that was exactly what she wanted me to do It was her way of grounding me, I knew and perhaps she was expecting me to drop the fight and apologize and grovel at her feet but she should have known there was no way I would lose this fight Not to her

 

So I called Bellamy and told him about my situation He agreed to be my ride to and from school Until when neither of us knew yet and when I tried to apologized he merely said"I would have picked you up anyway since it would reinforce the fact that we are now technically in a relationship'"I snorted"I dont see how either one of us should suddenly be incapable of driving just because we're going out" "Well for one it makes it easier for us to hang out after school"he said "Plus think of it as your contribution to mother nature"I bit down on my lower lip to fight a smile He must have known that howupset I really was about not having my car or about the fact that mom and I were simply not in good terms and if this was his way of cheering me up it was working Not because he was good at it but because his attempts were so pathetic they were enough to lift my spirits up "Im serious"he said when I didn't look too convinced"This way you're not contributing to pollution and you're not using up non-renewable resources In fact we should convince people to carpool more often" "It's all right Bellamy" I told him"Really It's fine"He gave me a quick sideways glance momentarily taking his eyes off the road before looking back immediately Then in a quiet voice he said "Your mom could cut your allowance you know Or take away your phone" "I don't care"I said looking out the window "Not even if she kicks me out"Id been trying not to think of that possibility For the past week I had done nothing but piss her off more And I was doing it on purpose, which should have probably taken the anger a couple notches up It wouldn't be long until she was completely fed up of the daughter she hadnt"raised this way"She did however leave me my allowance on the counter earlier this morning so maybe the whole getting kicked to the curb thing wont come until much much sooner The funny thing was that she didnt like Bellamy She was convinced that he was a bad influence on me that he was the one who brought out this rebellious side of me and that I should know better than to stay with"that boy"

 

was the only one who kept insisting I should at least try to talk to her I was far too stressed out with things between my mom and me so the moment we got to the school I felt as if the energy had been drained right out of me I deflated a little but forced myself to climb out of the car anyway Bellamy locked that car before walking over to where I was standing Then without even thinking twice about it he grabbed my hand I gave him a puzzled look startled by the sudden contact as he laced his fingers through mine"This way they'll know for sure we're together"he said"They're probably wondering what's up with us after the kiss last Friday"Just the mention of it was enough to make me blush and I had to struggle to keep a straight face"Okay" "You might want to get rid of the pinched look on your face though"he said eyes sparkling with amusement"How can you convince people we're in love if you keep looking like that?"What he didn't know of course was that the only reason my brows were creased together was because I had to concentrate on keeping my thoughts off of the kiss we shared I just glared at him before I began to walk and tug him with me"I was thinking" he said as we made our way across the parking lot"that since we're technically boyfriend-girlfriend now we need to start acting like it"My eyes snapped to his but he was looking straight ahead"We're-we're holding hands If that isn't enough to reinforce the idea of our relationship I don't know what is" "We'll see"was his reply a small smirk forming on his face I gave him a wary look but he didn't try to make a move so I figured he was just trying to get a reaction out of me In any case he was right We did get a lot of reactions from the other students especially when we began to walk along the main hallway to get to homeroom I could feel a couple of eyes following our linked hands as we wove through the crowd of students hustling to get to their class before the bell rang Right before we got to the classroom we had to walk past Raven I didn't see her at first but when I did she was looking at me her eyes carefully following me and Bellamy

 

There was a slight crease in her eyebrows that revealed her uneasiness and while I wasn't sure what she could possibly be worried about I averted my gaze and continued to walk past her pretending I didnt care about what she thought when the truth was that I did care The worst part was that I didnt think our friendship would really just end there after the fight we had a few weeks ago It was like I knew at the back of my mind that we would somehow find out way back to each other Now that I'd seen why she had chosen to take Ryders side in the first place however I knew our friendship was beyond salvation The betrayal went too deep and removing whatever shard of glass she had stabbed me with would be completely utterly impossible to do

I was wrong when I thought Bellamy had only been kidding He really did want us to start acting like a couple because as soon as first period was up he followed me to my locker to kiss me We kissed the way we did during the party-somewhat gentle and slow and unhurried I didn't like this sort of blatant public display of affection in broad daylight but I was almost certain that Bellamy and I didn't make out in that disgusting way where it looked more like we were eating each other's faces off or shoving our tongues down each the other's throats or swapping spit or whatever gross images kissing probably triggered During lunch he met me at my locker As we walked to the cafeteria he did that thing again where he looped his pinky with mine Now as Bellamy and I walked towards the cafeteria I said"I heard you'd be dumping me by the end of the week"He raised an eyebrow at this"I will?"I told him about what I heard earlier when I was in the bathroom Some girls talking about Bellamy and me saying they couldn't believe Bellamy was officially in a relationship"I think"I heard one of them say through the cubicle door"that Bellamy will dump her by the end of the week He only thinks he likes her because she's playing hard to get Quite pathetic really for her to play that card"I walked out of the cubicle when the girl's friend started to say something about me

 

but they instantly paled the moment they recognized me If I wasn't mistaken they were freshmen Cute I'd given them a confident grin as I took my time to wash my hands on trying not to enjoy(at least not too much) watching them squirm By the time I finished telling him this he was laughing"I wasnt aware you were playing a card on me all this time Griffin" "Oh you shut up" "Clarke"Lexa squealed almost as soon as Bellamy and I approached the table I didn't miss that brief satisfied look on her face as she eyed our looped pinkies I was reminded of Saturday night when Bellamy and I had emerged from the Ferris wheel and walked over to them with our hands linked together It was Bellamys idea "This way"he said"they wont have to ask if we made up"He was right They had simply took one look at us before declaring we needed to grab"real dinner" (as Justin had put it)satisfied that their plan had worked. The same pleased look was on Lexas face now as well as Lily's and I found myself feeling somewhat embarrassed"What's up?"Justin asked us Bellamy sent me a quick glance one corner of his lips turned up just the slightest bit"Well Clarke and I were just discussing the tricks she had to pull just to get me to like her"Bellamy said as he pulled a seat out I waited for him to sit before realizing he pulled it out for me"Apparently I was only playing hard to get"I added as I casually sat down"Inside joke"Bellamy explained when simply gave us weird looks Rev groaned"Exactly what we needed. Another couple in this table Dan and Lily are enough thank you very much"Lily picked up a fry and threw it at him"You love us" "Grudgingly so"

I had been so used to walking into my History class and steeling myself to an hour of sitting next to Ryder that I found it jarring when I walked into class without him in his seat At first I thought he might have simply been late expecting him to come in hair disheveled and clothes rumpled five or so minutes after the period had officially begun but the clock continued to tick and fifteen minutes into the class I realized he might just really be absent I wasn't sure what to make of this

 

Ryder wasnt the type to skip classes unless it was completely necessary so a part of me-the part that kept betraying me for still giving a fuck-was worried It was weird to have this class without him sitting next to me I'd gotten used to the tension and the awkwardness the hostility that filled the air I'd expected it to feel nice to be able to breathe in this classroom for a change but it didn't I knew I should relax that I should be glad he wasnt in class but after these past few days of being too painfully aware of the distance-or lack thereof-between us I found it weird to suddenly be free of his presence Bu even though his seat was empty my mind kept flashing back to thoughts of him, my concentration on the lecture occasionally slipping to continue the internal debate I was having with myself I couldnt help it, really It wasn't so much as the fact that I missed him because I'd like to think I didnt but more so that the two of us have always been looking out for each other ever since we became best friends all those years ago When he found out my father had passed away and he told me his mother had left it was like we promised we'd take care of each other and even now that we were done I couldn't stop myself from worrying The bell rang I was putting away my stuff running a mental list of the things I needed to do for my other classes-a Geometry homework, a short essay for Lit a Chem exam I had to review for-when I realized Mr Callahan was calling my name I looked up at him just as I zipped my bag close"Yes Sir?" "You're Ryder smiths buddy?"When I nodded he grabbed a folder from the top of the table It was the same one he'd distributed to the rest of the class right before we were dismissed"I already have my packet Sir" I said confused He regarded me with a stern look "Im aware Miss Griffin but see to it that Mister smiths gets his"I blinked but I knew I couldn't say no not really so I bit back a protest and I reached for the folder I walked out of the classroom feeling pissed for being forced into meeting Ryder It felt like I had just avoided one bullet only to get hit by another

 

And I was also utterly confused Part of me was relieved to have an excuse to check up on him to make sure he was all right and it just didn't make sense because Ishould have eradicate this fucking part of me the moment he walked away and left But it stayed and now I was left storming out of the school building pissed at Mr Callahan for his ridiculous"buddy system" and pissed at life for working out this way and pissed at myself for being this pathetic girl who couldn't even make herself stop caring about a person she hated Bellamy was waiting with Warren and Rev in the parking lot when I reached the parking lot Bellamy hadn't seen me at first but when he did the easy smile on his face immediately disappeared"Hey" he said"What's up?" "Can we make a stop before you drive me home?"He lifted his hands in a why not gesture"Of course Where to?"I swallowed past the lump in my throat clutching the folder so hard I could feel it bending in my tightening hold "Ryders house"

Bellamy stopped at Ryders house For a second neither of us moved as we sat there in front of the house just looking at it I didn't know what was running through his mind but a million thoughts were racing on mine An overbearing sense of nostalgia almost made it difficult for me to move paralyzing me with flashbacks and snippets of moments I had with Ryder of the days I had gone to this very house because I found it as a safe haven of sorts treated it as a home because mine didnt feel like one Now here I was and the thought of walking up the driveway and ringing the doorbell much less going inside the house in the first place was enough to make me feel like telling Bellamy to drive away for him to put as much as distance as he could from this house I had filled Bellamy about why I had to come here during the ride Besides that we didn't talk much Now Bellamy turned to look at me"Do you want me to hand it to him for you?"I shook my head no, gritting my teeth together before pushing the passenger door open My knees felt wobbly but I managed to walk all the way from the car to the porch

 

I could feel my heart beating faster frustratingly nervous about the idea of going back here after so many weeks of having stayed away ringing the doorbell when back then I had no problems strutting in unannounced. Even without looking over my shoulder I could feel Bellamys gaze on me I wasn't sure what he felt about all this but knowing he was there gave me some sort of comfort His presence made me feel like I wasnt just stumbling around blindly into enemy territory without backup like having him as a lifeline who would keep me from drowning should things go wrong I braced myself before pushing the doorbell I was struggling to calm myself down repeating over and over in my head that everything was fine that I'll be leaving as soon as he gets the damn folder and that I wasnt weak enough to let myself back out of this now It turned out however that all my efforts at keeping myself calm were all for naught because two minutes after I rang the doorbell and called out a hesitant hello it became evident that the door wasnt going to open anytime soon No one was home That was weird Ryders dad had his day offs on Mondays and he devoted his free time to trying out new recipes while catching up on Bones and CSI It was the only day he had to himself and he never ever liked to compromise that chance to give himself a breather Mondays at the smiths house always meant lively living rooms and food-tasting for whatever dish Philip smiths who worked as a chef at a fancy restaurant two towns over had come up with Something was wrong I pressed the doorbell one last time counting to sixty in my mind trying not to wonder where they could possibly be When I got to sixty and the door remained unopened I walked back towards Bellamys car Before leaving I left the folder on top of the table on the porch placing a heavy stone on top as paperweight I climbed into the passenger seat and was met with Bellamys look of curiosity"No one's home"I explained and for the rest of the ride I was silent I was too busy deciding whether I should be relieved or disappointed   
I was in the middle of towel drying my hair when my phone started ringing

 

My first thought was that it was Ryder I had texted him earlier for the first time after such a long while telling him about the assignment packet I was supposed to give him about dropping by only to find out that no one was home For a second I didn't want to answer the call but then I realized it was Bellamy calling I picked it up rather reluctantly not quite sure why he was calling"Hello?"I called out hesitantly"Bad news" he said in lieu of a hello Immediately I straightened in my seat"What?" "I got careless" he told me There was a nervous lilt to his voice and I could almost imagine him reaching up to rub the back of his neck with one hand"I forgot to hide the dress you used to the picnic" "Octavia's dress?" I asked him my brows creasing in confusion "So?" "My mom saw it and I had to explain and tell her everything about why she found one of dead sister's dresses in the laundry" Still not sure where he was going with this I stayed quiet and waited I heard him take a deep breath before finally saying"My mom wants to meet you"


	20. Chapter 20

When the bell rang I quickly scrambled to gather my things and make my way out I'd been looking forward to lunch all morning not because I was hungry or that I missed the others but because I'd been itching to have a word with Bellamy He had been unusually quiet on our way to school this morning and he didnt seem like himself during the quick kisses in between classes Not that they werent good (no use denying that now)but there was something about him that seemed off It had been a week since the day we started to officially "date" in front of the whole student body a week since he asked me to meet his mother The mere thought was enough to make my heart drop to my stomach We hadnt really figured the details out and all he told me was that his mom was only waiting for her schedule to let up One way or another I was going to meet his mom soon To be honest if felt as if the universe was trying to put me off mothers for good Things between my own Mom and I have only been getting worse I couldnt even remember the last time we had been in the same room for more than five seconds since we fought The last few days had been uneventful Everyone was starting to become busier so we hadnt really hung out after class lately but Bellamy and I would occasionally drop by a diner so I wouldnt have to eat dinner alone As much as I hated to admit it Bellamy was quickly becoming a part of my life We had been hanging out more often lately and while we pretty much acted the same way towards each other I was also beginning to see that wed come a long way from how we treated each other before we became friends I guess that meant that I'd also grown used to reading him and from what I gathered this morning there was definitely something bothering him Maybe I should have asked him about it before we got to school because the curiosity and(I admit) the worry was making it hard for me to focus which was why I decided I would definitely ask him during lunch. When Literature my last class for the morning block finally ended I was ready bolt out the classroom Miss Adams however wasnt ready to let me go just yet"Miss Griffin?"

 

heard her call out making me stop in my tracks halfway to the door"May I talk to you for a sec?"I looked around me as everyone filed out the classroom staring longingly at the door before dragging my gaze back to Miss Adams I took a few tentative steps back to her desk "Yes?"As far as I knew I was pretty sure I hadnt been failing this class-it was my favorite-and I couldn't think of anything I could have done for her to suddenly seek me out"Ive printed a few of your works out"She walked from behind her desk holding a bunch of papers in one hand Was she going to accuse me of plagiarism?I tried to recall if I did anything that could have raised some red flags in any of my assignments but before I could figure out how to react she said "These are really good"My thoughts came to an abrupt halt I blinked too stunned to feel relieved"Oh" "Are you a part of any of the writing clubs of the school?" I shook my head no "No?"she blurted"You should be These are really good I especially like the second poem"Knowing which one that was I dropped my gaze to the ground I wasn't sure how to react to this I didn't think they were anything exceptional Ive always loved reading because my father did Over time Id grown to love words but I never really thought I was any good with writing It was just something I happened to enjoy doing and having Miss Adams tell me this had thrown me off completely"Thank you"I told her feeling my ears heat up"I didnt think it was good And I thought it was bordering on being grammatically incorrect" "Poetic license" she said simply reaching for her bag and started to rummage through it"And you put it to good use How often do you write?" "I dont really" I dropped my gaze to the white floor feeling the heat crawling up my face. "Write that much I mean" "You should" After a few more moments, she finally fished a piece of paper from her bag"There's this writing seminar I go to every so often I was informed there was this contest for teenage writers Your poems are lovely but I was wondering how well you can write in prose"

 

She handed me the piece of paper and when I looked down to see what it was I realized it was a flyer"I think you should give it a shot"she added "Are you interested in joining?" "Im not-I dont-I really don't think Im that good" She raised an eyebrow "Why not?" "Um Im not much of a writer"I admitted"Everyone's a writer" she said without missing a beat"Your whole life is a story The choices you make each day define what kind of story it is Some people like you are just better at using words than others"I wasn't ever really that good at anything I wasnt like Raven who was an artist I wasnt like Ryder with his passion for music I didnt have anything I was especially good at and I was fine with that"Um can I-is it-is it okay if I think about it?"She looked relieved to say the least "Yes Yes please do I'd be delighted if you decide to join" It wasnt that I wasnt interested It was more like I wasnt sure what to say because I certainly didnt feel like I was actually good I stared at the flyer with an unusual amount of concentration unable to make out any of the words written on it and all I could make out was that the flyer was rectangular in shape"There's a preliminary elimination where you have to send a sample of your work The details are on the flyer"She straightened up and started to fix her things"Tell me when you've decided I'd be glad to help you" "I will" I folded the flyer careful not to ruin it I wondered if she could see that my hands were trembling "I'll let you know Thanks Miss Adams" As I hurried out of the classroom a part of expected her to take it back to suddenly burst out laughing and say "Just kidding! As if you'd win a contest like that!"But she didnt A grin slowly spread across my face I must have looked like an idiot walking along the corridor grinning like a crazy person, but I couldnt bring myself to care The conversation with Ms Adams made me forget about Bellamys unusual behavior and only when I spotted Bellamy patiently waiting by my locker did I snap out of the dream-like trance Id fallen into

 

He was leaning against my locker busily tapping on his phone but when he saw me he straightened up and tucked the device in his pocket "Hey" I said as soon as I was close enough"Sorry to make you wait Miss Adams asked me to stay behind" "No problem" He tried a smile but he wasn't fooling me"Is everything okay?" I unlocked my locker getting the combination wrong the first time (my mind was still reeling from the initial shock of talking to Ms Adams) and said"Yeah Everything's fine She just... she asked me to do this... thing"I finished lamely He raised an eyebrow leaning sideways against the locker next to mine"You do realize that that sounded vaguely pornographic right? I mean this thing?"My face burst into flames "Thats only because you have a dirty mind"I slammed my locker shut with more force than I intended"No it really is sort of disturbing What is this thing you speak of my little porn star?"A couple of guys looked over and I immediately flushed red Before I could stop myself I turned to them and suddenly launched into a series of incoherent rambling"No It's not what you think-Im not-we're not having-he didn't mean that We're not-you know"An awkward silence ensued The guys-sophomores I guessed-simply stared at me squirming and shifting like they werent quite sure how to respond to my stuttering Finally blushing even harder than I originally had been I just grabbed Bellamy by the elbow "Let's go get some lunch"As soon as we started walking Bellamy burst out laughing"Smooth save Clarke" I slapped his arm willing my blush to go away"You called me a fucking porn star and now they probably think-" It was revolting to even think about it much less say it out loud Clearly bemused by my humiliation a smug smile made its way to his face and it was annoying I had to physically restrain myself from wiping it off him"Fucking porn star? I do believe that's sort of redundant" "I am this close to strangling you Blake and I'll make sure by the time Im done with you you wont be able to-" "Whoa I love it when you talk dirty to me"-he sent me a wink-"but easy there Miss Porn Star"

 

My mouth dropped open"You are such a dog!" "Dog? Oh you prefer that style over the-" I thought I couldn't get any redder than I already was but I obviously thought wrong because I could face heating up even further I held up both hands and shook my head realizing there was just no way I could win this one "Stop it Please just stop it" He was laughing so hard I almost wanted to kill him on the spot"It was your fault for being so vague"He was clearly enjoying this if the mischievous glint in his eyes was any indication Seeing him so happy made me want to shove my foot in his mouth Wait that sounded vaguely pornographic too in that weird feet fetish sort of way Oh my god Bellamy Blake and his fucking dirty mind had now messed up my perfectly innocent thoughts And to think I'd been sort of kind of just a little bit worried about him I huffed pointedly looking away from him"You belong in a mental hospital" "Ah but you'd go crazy from missing me so much that you'll eventually end up there too" "I seriously doubt that" "And I" he said"seriously doubt that you doubt that" He was being his usual annoying self and I was beginning to think I only imagined how weird he acted just this morning Still I couldnt shake off the fact that I was still worried I couldnt exactly pinpoint why I was feeling that way but there was something about the way his lips were pursed in an almost unconscious frown and the distant look in his eyes when he was driving that told me there was definitely something bothering him Now despite the smile I knew it still hung at the back of his head and finally I said "What's wrong?" He blinked eyes snapping back to focus as he turned to me "What?" "Im not blind," I told him"There's something bothering you" "Other than the thought of my girlfriend doing this possibly kinky thing with Miss Adams?"He tried a grin but when he saw my unimpressed frown he let it drop Looking away he sighed and ran a hand through his hair"It's nothing" It was most definitely not nothing studied him as we walked regarding the look on his face with utmost curiosity

 

I wanted to know what it was that made his shoulders sag like this but I didn't want to pry so I just said "Remember what you told me? About how talking about your problems can help?"He lifted his gaze to mine"Well" I said reaching for his hand to give it a reassuring squeeze"you know you can always talk to me right?"At this the corner of his lips lifted into a grateful smile and I knew it was the first real smile I'd seen on his face today I felt his hand squeeze mine back before moving it so that our fingers slipped through each others "Look at you acting like a worried girlfriend"he said nudging me slightly with his elbow"I like it" I flushed"Im not worried" "Right" he muttered clearly unconvinced Before I could retaliate he spoke again"But really don't think about it It's really nothing"I was about to say something to him but the words were lost when I saw Raven up ahead Her forehead was pressed against her locker shoulders slumped Her hair as usual was in a messy bun on top of her head but something about the way she stood that made it seem limp and lifeless Here was the girl who stood by me when I struggled to find my place during freshman year The girl who gave me the pineapple toppings on her pizza just because she knew how much I loved them The girl who wasnt afraid of making a fool of herself if it meant saving me from humiliation (Spring Fling sophomore year-long story)It was so easy to walk over and tap her shoulder to ask her what was wrong I almost did actually but the memory of her standing in the spot next to Ryder the spot that used to be mine-still burned into my mind and I couldnt stand it Bellamy must have noticed the immediate stiffness of my shoulders I could feel him watching me as we walked but he didnt say anything I felt horrible for walking away when I knew there was clearly something wrong but I pushed the feeling away and continued walking too aware of the growing distance I was leaving between the two of us "Are you sure you don't want to talk to her?"Bellamy grabbed the sleeve of my blouse when we were far enough

 

I hadn't realized I was walking faster than I intended to until he held me to slow me down. I kept my eyes fixed straight ahead. "I'm more than just pretty sure." There was a time when I would have been glad to be given a chance to work with Ryder on a school project, but this wasn't one of those. Still, there was nothing I could do but write down the details of the project on my notebook, biting the insides of my cheeks to stop myself from cursing Mr. Callahan for coming up with the stupid "buddy" rule thing in the first place. The last time Ryder and I spoke was when he thanked me for dropping off the assignment packet two weeks ago. It was just a brief "thank you," a curt nod and a clipped tone that told me he had no plans of extending the conversation, so I simply nodded back and turned away, pretending the exchange hadn't even happened. I wanted to ask him why he had been absent, as well as why there was nobody home when I got to his house, but I forced myself not to, and soon the brief exchange had been forgotten, or at least neglected to the point that I could have convinced myself that it hadn't happen, and I wanted it to stay that way; to go through the rest of this year without having to talk to him again. But I knew that that wasn't going to happen; not when we were in the same class taught by a teacher who just loved forcing us into having to work together in order to pass. When the bell rang, the two of us just lingered there in the room, as the rest of our classmates began to talk about how they were going to work on the assignment. We had to go through the local museum in town with our buddies and write about the local history in relation to artifacts on display there, and while there were sections that prohibited the use of the camera, a large portion of the gallery allowed them, and Mr. Callahan wanted us to make a video of us talking about the artifacts and stuff, and he made it clear that he wanted both of us to be on it. I knew there was just no way we could do it without interacting with each other

 

What I didn't know was how we could manage to spend that much time around each other when one hour of sitting together in silence was hard enough He cleared his throat, snapping me from my thoughts "Are you free Saturday next week?" "Yeah" I replied "Just text me the details" Before he could even say anything else I was already bolting out the classroom feeling my throat constrict He had spoken to me the way one would talk to a stranger Polite Impassive Almost businesslike And I knew I should have been glad and that I should do the same but it felt too much like he had already erased the past like it never even happened-like we never even happened This shouldn't have been a bad thing but I couldn't help it I couldnt help it and before I knew it I was already heading to the bathroom, locking myself in a stall struggling to breathe for just one moment I ran my fingers through my hair pressing the balls of my hand against my eyes forcing myself to breathe in breathe out When I was calm enough I got out of the bathroom. Only to find Raven and Ryder talking by her locker I stared at them at him at her at him and her and felt as if someone had ripped the dead thing in my chest out tearing it apart like it wasnt already torn enough so that there was nothing left in the cavity inside my ribcage I forced myself to look away before either of them could see me It was one thing to let them break my heart it was another to let them see me unravel  
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤  
"Hey"Bellamy said giving me a quick sideways glance"you never told me what Miss Adams wanted to talk to you about" I stopped rummaging through his CDs long enough to realize that I didn't really get to tell him about it because of the whole porn conversation I winced at the memory plucking a clear CD case from the glove compartment"She asked me if I was interested in joining a writing competition"The flyer was safely tucked between the books in my bag I was surprised I hadn't already burned a hole through it seeing as I'd spent the rest of the day staring at it to study the details The deadline for the sample submission was at the end of the month just two weeks from now

 

The results from the pre-elimination would be sent to us through e-mail by the end of the holiday break, a full month from the deadline. "You write?" he said. "That's the point." I studied the CD I was holding. The words Catching Juliet were scrawled with a black marker on the transparent case and I realized it was a mix. "I don't. I mean, not really. She read my assignments and thought they were good." "I want to read them." He looked over at me, but then his eyes flickered to the case I was holding, and I could see his jaw tighten at the sight. I was tempted to ask about it, but I simply put it back in the glove compartment. Instead, I retrieve an All Time Low album and put it on. Pretending I didn't notice his obvious relief when I didn't say anything about the mix CD, I replied, "I'm not really that good." "Says the girl joining a writing contest." "It's not-I don't-I haven't even decided if I was going to join," I said, feeling myself blush. "I don't really think I'm good enough to join." "Don't be stupid," he said matter-of-factly. "It's not like you're going to lose anything by joining." I looked down and fiddled with a hem of my skirt. I didn't tell him, but I really was happy that Miss Adams thought I was good enough, and while I wasn't really confident enough to join the contest, I couldn't deny that I was thrilled about it. "I'll think about it," I told him

 

"Let me read your work," he said, sounding like he was ready to persuade me if I kept saying no. "Come on," he insisted when I shook my head. "I'm just curious." An idea occurred to me, and I found myself carefully studying him. Then, before I could think better of it, I suggested, "How about I let you read my work if you let me see yours?" His brows furrowed as he turned to me. "I don't write." "I meant your drawings." "Oh." He fell silent for a moment and I thought back to that time when I saw his sketchpad; remembering how he didn't want me to see it at all, and at the back of my mind, I somehow knew that there was no way he was going to ever agree to this. After a long stretch of silence, he said, "Does it have to be an old drawing? All my drawings are at home." I was surprised that he even considered this in the first place, and for a moment, I just stared at him, trying and failing to see past the blank expression on his face. "Maybe you can just draw something for me," I suggested after much thought. "My mom won't be home until later." He considered this for a moment and even though I expected his answer, I still found myself unable to believe my ears when he said, "Okay. Deal."


	21. Chapter 21

On the drive home we decided he would stay at my house long enough to draw a quick sketch of me and once he was done I'd let him read one of my poems I wasnt particularly fond of the whole portrait thing but he kept insisting until I grudgingly accepted I fixed some snacks for us before climbing up to my room Bellamy trailing behind me as we argued over cheese and salsa as the better dip(I was pro-salsa of course)and when we got there I suddenly realized that it had been a while since I let anyone up in my room I hadnt really had the time to clean my room recently and while it wasn't horribly messy I was afraid he'd find something-a pair of underwear a box of tampons-embarrassing lying around What he found however was something worse He walked over to the bedside drawer I held my breath as he picked up frame I'd set there on display I felt as though he'd caught me doing something I shouldn't be doing and even before he could comment I immediately said"I meant to throw that"He didn't say anything as he studied the photo It was of me and Ryder at last year's Winter Formal Raven had insisted on taking pictures despite our protests I was worried I'd only end up looking uncomfortable in all the photos but she had taken this one without our knowledge and it turned out to be the best one from all the pictures she'd taken When Bellamy put it down and turned around there was an unreadable expression on his face He caught my gaze and nodded to my left"What about that guitar?"I blinked and even though I didnt need to I looked over my shoulder to see what he was referring to Half obscured behind a coat hanger I was using to hang some of my bags up was an electric guitar snug into a black case"Do you play?"I looked away and swallowed"No" "And you have a guitar because..." Somehow I knew he already knew the answer or at least he had an idea but something told me that he wanted to hear the words themselves from me so I heaved a deep breath and looked down at my hands "I was supposed to give it to Ryder for his birthday"I swallowed struggling to keep my voice throat from closing up"But then we broke up"

 

I continued picking on my nails until the sensitive skin underneath began to hurt but the pain did nothing to distract me from thinking back to the night he decided to dump me It was his birthday and we agreed to meet on the beach I brought the guitar with me-a gift I'd brought after months of saving-and waited for him When he arrived his lips didn't break into the crooked grin I'd learned to love He didn't pull me into a hug or say my name the way he used to He wouldnt even look me in the eye not until he said the words that broke my unsuspecting heart I swallowed forcing the memory out of my thoughts as I raised my gaze to Bellamys relentless stare"How should we do this?"For a moment he hesitated and I waited for him to say something to tell me I was stupid for being so hung up on Ryder despite everything else but when he spoke he simply asked me for a pen and some paper then he settled on a spot on the floor "Should I-" I paused standing awkwardly in the middle of my room"Do I have to pose or..." "Nah Make yourself busy  
" he said"Watch a movie or something I prefer drawing candid portraits"I sat on the floor too a few feet away from him settling on a spot directly across him I propped my laptop up on my makeshift pillow table(not my best idea but it would have to do)trying to convince myself to relax I chose to watch Tangled hoping it would distract me enough to keep me from being too conscious of his intent stare I half-expected him to draw a stick figure or a pig or whatever and call it done in a less than a minute (knowing him it would probably be the only reason he agreed to the whole thing) but when I looked at him and saw the leaned over the paper on his lap I knew he was being serious Curious I peered at him He was completely focused on the clipboard he grabbed from my study table to support the paper but every so often he would brush his hair away from his eyes I hadn't even realized I was staring until he looked up and caught me"What?"he said I averted my gaze and said nothing

 

After thirty minutes however I realized it was impossible for me to relax when I could pretty much feel his scrutinizing eyes on me I could barely even understand what was happening in the movie(and considering I'd watched Tangled quite a few times before that was saying a lot)I forced myself to sit still but it was impossible not to fidget"If you could just stop looking like you're constipated"he suddenly said "that would be great"I turned to glare at him"Yeah looking like you want to kill me is so much better than the whole constipated look you had going on"Despite the look I was giving him his eyes twinkled in amusement"You really have a future in posing for portraits Clarke" "This isnt exactly comfortable"I muttered darkly turning back to the screen to watch Rapunzel with her frying pan Now that I thought about it the frying pan downstairs looked a lot like the one she was using and I had to fight the urge to make a quick trip to the kitchen so I could hit Bellamy with it "Im serious though" he said"I think you really have this whole psycho killer look pinned down" "If you dont shut up now I wont just look like a psycho killer"I warned him"Just relax"he said waving a hand in a vaguely dismissive gesture"Go to your happy place Think of rainbows and unicorns and shit" "All I can think of right now is strangling you" With a sigh he rose to his feet setting the clipboard and pen on the floor I didnt know what he was up to and when he suddenly started to walk closer to me I found myself inching back a little"What-what are you..."Before I could even figure out what I wanted to say he reached up to touch my face I froze One hand rested behind my ear as if to hold my head in place and his other hand reached up to trace his thumb across the skin between my eyebrows  
Let's get rid of that crease"he murmured then he moved his hand to the corner of my lips his fingers leaving tingles when he let them trail across my skin "And this frown"My blood started to pound loudly against my ears

 

My jaw loosened entranced by the lightness of his touch but already he was leaning away and when I looked up at him he was smiling"There we go"he said before ambling back to his spot I went back to Rapunzel and Eugene forcing myself to snap back into focus but his touch still burned on my skin and I watched the rest of the movie in a daze

I wasnt sure how long it had been when he finally announced that he was done I looked up from the laptop screen in time to see Bellamy standing up to stretch I couldnt help but watch as he raised his arms in an attempt to loosen his muscles one hand extended to the ceiling while the other rubbed the back of his neck His shirt rid up when he reached up revealing a thin strip of his skin and for some reason I couldn't quite look away Bellamy wasn't exactly the buff muscular type, but he was lean and had the right muscles at the right places It was like his body was both slender and strong and to be honest his built was exactly what I would have usually called-I stopped my train of thought mentally slapping myself for checking him out and letting myself think of him that way I looked away before he could catch me staring feeling my face heat up in shame When he was done stretching he walked over to where I was sitting He sat next to me shoulder to shoulder holding the rolled up paper in one hand He peered up at me his eyes quickly darting away when he caught my gaze He cleared his throat and tugged at his shirt's collar"I'm not really that good so uh... dont expect much" "Im not really a good writer either"I said clasping and unclasping my hands in my lap A feeling of sudden uncertainty made me want to back out. It could be possible that Ms Adams was suffering from some sort of mental condition that could readily impair her judgment that I was no good all along I didn't think I could stomach the thought of Bellamy Blake thinking the poem was lame"Maybe this was a bad idea" I blurted out "Maybe we should just forget about the whole thing"He shook his head giving me a flat look"I didnt spend an hour and a half watching you and your constipated expression for nothing"

 

I bit down my lower lip and forced myself to swallow For a moment I just stared at the laptop screen It was like my hands refused to move and no matter what I did I couldn't force them to but then he sidled closer to me looking at me expectantly and before I could change my mind I opened the Word file with my poem and handed him the laptop He took it from me in exchange for his drawing He held the paper out to me, blank side up and I found myself taking a deep breath when I reached for it"Im telling you"I told him"it's not really that good"He grunted in response and started to read I wrenched my gaze away from his face fighting the urge to watch his reaction as he read Instead I carefully flipped the paper he'd given to me I gasped Something about the haphazard strokes immediately drew me in There was nothing careful about the way he had drawn me He didn't even bother erasing the unnecessary lines but it felt as though they only added to the whole effect of the whole sketch It wasn't perfect-not like the portraits you see on sale or the computer-generated ones-but it was better Better than perfect I looked down at it holding the paper delicately because I didnt want to ruin it There was something intimate about the idea of him capturing me the way he saw me of seeing myself the way he did-lips frozen in a half-smile and eyes somewhat sparkling"Bellamy this is really good"I said just as he said "Holy fuck this is amazing"We looked at each other for a moment the two of us flushing with embarrassment"You said you weren't good!" I cried"You can sell this! Well no not my face obviously but you could get people to pay you for portraits"He pointed at the screen of my laptop"This is better This is genius. This is pure fucking genius" "It's not"I replied sheepishly"It is" he insisted"Can I keep this?"I asked him looking down at the drawing again "What else am I going to do with that?"He looked at the laptop reading the words again"How did you come up with this?"I shrugged trying to make my blush disappear"I... I dont know I just did"For a moment he just looked at me then his eyes softened

 

He didn't speak right away, but when he did, his voice was just as gentle as the look he was giving me. "This is about your Dad, right?" I bit my lower lip, nodding. He let the words hang in the air as he looked back at the screen again Neither of us spoke for a moment. I watched him studying him closely, hoping to see something-a clue, perhaps-that would let me know what was going on in his head. Still, I found nothing. I wasn't surprised. I was already growing used to the fact that in spite of himself Bellamy had a knack for hiding his feelings, and at the back of my mind, I knew the only way I can get him to unveil himself was to ask him straight out. So I looked at him, pulling my knees to my chest and softly murmured, "Question game." He stiffened almost immediately. I watched him as the silence stretched out before us, brimming with reluctance and uncertainty. His face remained impassive, and I had expected him to refuse, but after what felt like forever, he let out a breath and lifted his eyes to mine. "It's my turn," he said simply. "Then ask me something." He held my gaze for a moment, and even though he remained silent, I knew he was asking me to back down, waiting for me to change my mind. I didn't dare look away. Finally, he turned away, shaking his head as if to concede defeat. When he dragged his eyes back to mine, it felt as though he was seeing right through me. When he spoke, his voice was nothing but a low murmur, but the words carried a cutting edge to them. "Would you wish things had gone differently?" "Differently?" " If you were given the choice to turn back time," he elaborated, "would you... would wish Ryder never dumped you? Would you wish that this-that I never-happened at all?" I felt my breath catch at the back of my throat I stared at him too stunned to speak and it was like my mind refused to believe that I hadn't misheard him There was an unreadable expression on his face, but his gaze didn't waver from mine as he waited for an answer Lexas smile crept its way to my mind along with Justin's constant defiant protests and Lily's pointblank frankness

 

I thought of senseless debates between the most trivial things ever of conversations that never seemed to grow old I thought of Bellamy and that steady confident air he seemed to exude; of those times when he'd ruffle my hair or give me a teasing smile; of his soft-spoken reassurances and genuine smiles I thought of all of these and more, trying to imagine having a life without these moments; without Bellamys goofy grins and quick retorts, and I found myself unable to. When I replied my voice was barely even a whisper. "No"Then louder"I wouldn't"I was afraid to look at him but curiosity got the best of me. The unreadable mask remained intact and not for the first time since I met him, I found myself wishing I could get a free pass into his thoughts. "Sometimes"I found myself saying"I can't help but wish for things to go back to the way they were. "But for me to deliberately go back in time to change that?" I shook my head. "I don't think I would." He turned to me and I was relieved to see the unreadable mask falling away as his lips tugged into a slow grin. "Why would you? I probably kiss better than him anyway"I shoved him fighting back a laugh"What?" he said waggling his eyebrows at me"It's true isn't it?" "Shut up" I told him"Is it my turn now?" "Not until you admit I'm a good kisser." I gave him an unimpressed look. He laughed. I shifted so that I was turned completely towards him. When he saw the serious expression on my face, his smile faded, and judging from the way his eyes had slowly hardened, I knew he was already anticipating the question I meant to ask. Without thinking, I found myself leaning closer to level my eyes with his. I wanted him to see that I meant no harm; that it was okay for him to tell me, and with the softest voice I could manage, I said, "Tell me what's wrong." I never looked away from him. I waited, wishing he would open up to me the way I opened up to him. It was unfair. It was utterly, completely, unfair, because here I was, compelled to rely on him because I'd gotten used to it over the five weeks that I'd known him, and here he was, looking like the last thing he wanted to do was talk to me

"I told her if she wasn't going to tell Dad, then I was. She didn't take it well." He winced, almost as if the memory of the fight physically pained him. The thought made me jolt upright. Before I could stop to question my actions, I grabbed his face with both my hands and began turning it side to side and up and down to inspect it. It was only when I saw the bewildered expression on his face that I realized how weird the whole thing must have been. Backing away, I dropped my hands and fought the urge to blush. He gave me a wary look. "I thought... I thought maybe she hit you. Or... something." I cringed. For a moment, I considered crawling under the bed to hide my face, but instead I just grabbed a pillow from the pile in front of us, burying my flaming face in an attempt to hide my humiliation Suddenly he burst out laughing. The sound was so rich so him, that I couldn't help but take a peek and marvel at the way the corners of his eyes crinkled ever so slightly. When our eyes locked, his lips pulled back into a real grin. "No, it wasn't like that," he told me, reaching for the pillow I'd been holding. I let him pull it away so that he was looking completely at me. The amused smile on his face softened into a wistful one. "But thank you." "For humiliating myself?" I blurted out. "Yeah, glad to be of help." His lips quirked into a small smile, but he said nothing. "Is she... is she still mad?" I asked him. He paused, dropping his eyes on the floor. "I suppose." His hands clenched into fists. "I don't know. I... I don't know why I can't just tell him." He let out a harsh scoff.. "It's no wonder Ryder hates me so much. Even I hate myself." I straightened, eyes snapping to his. "Don't say that." "But it's true," he went on.. "I know I should tell Dad, but I'm not saying anything, and that's just as bad Mom. It's like witnessing a murder and saying, 'Oh, look, that guy killed that other guy' and walking away like it didn't matter." He put both hands on his head, running his fingers through his hair. "And I hate myself for it." It was the first time I heard him speak like this, voice thick and dark, with every word dripping with loathing

 

I reached for his wrists and carefully pulled them away from his face. "Look at me." At first, he wouldn't, and it was almost breaking my heart to see the hollow look in his face. "Look at me," I repeated. When he raised his gaze to mine, something in the air shifted. I felt as though I could see it all in his eyes-all his fears and pain and hatred, too much for him to carry alone-and I wanted to relieve him of them. "You're fine," I whispered. "It's fine." He shook his head. "Every time I speak to him"-he paused, shaking his head-"he's always so fucking clueless, and the guilt is suffocating, but-" "Bellamy" I released his wrists to place my hands on his face instead. I drilled my eyes into his, finding the need to take over because it seemed as if he would spin out of control if I didn't "The only reason you haven't told him yet is because you know telling him would make it final. You know that once he knows, there's no going back. And you don't want that." "But it's not right-" "I'm not saying it's right," I said, my voice coming out stronger than I intended. "What I'm saying is that it's normal. It's a part of human nature and you can't hate yourself for being human, because you are. We make mistakes and we fuck up, and there's no use for you to hate yourself for it because there's no helping it." I kept my eyes on his, letting him know that I meant every word. "And I won't let you do this to yourself." When I finished speaking, neither of us made a move. We just looked at each other as I started to calm down and he continued to analyze me. His electric eyes held me in place and we were so close I could almost feel his breath on my face. And he was moving closer. I willed myself to move, to back away, but I was paralyzed,. All I could do was stare at him, overwhelmed, and all my thoughts disintegrated as the distance between us shrunk. Sniff. I snapped back into my thoughts and I quickly scrambled away to push him off. "Did you just-did you just sniff me?" I was ready to shout profanities at him, but then he started laughing-a stark contrast to the vulnerable expression he had just moments before-and I couldn't help but stare at him..

 

This was his way of coping with his emotions, I realized.. Whenever we talk about the things that mattered, he would resort to joking around, so that he always, always seemed fine when in fact, he wasn't. So this time, I let it slip. "You should be thankful that I'm running out of places to hide dead bodies." "Sorry," he said, flashing me a quick grin. "It was tempting. Did I ever tell you how good you smell? The first time I noticed it was when we fell asleep on the couch back home. I couldn't stop sniffing you" I gave him a horrified look, but he promptly ignored it as he jumped to his feet. "It's getting pretty late. I should get going." He offered me a hand to help me up, but I ignored it and stood up on my own. "I'll walk you out." He was laughing all the way to his car and while I knew that I still had a long way to go before I could say I truly knew him I was pretty sure his laughter was real. When we reached the curb, he turned to me. He wasn't laughing anymore, but he was still smiling. "You surprise me clarke griffin" I was about to snap out a snarky remark but before I could, he was already leaning closer My breath hitched as he planted a soft kiss on my right cheek"Thank you" he whispered lips almost almost still touching my cheek"for earlier"I felt all the blood rush to my head lingering on the spot he had just kissed Nothing but the feeling of his lips on my skin seemed to make sense He pulled away and not surprisingly placed a hand on my head to ruffle my hair before climbing into his car  
I expected him to drive off immediately when he started the car but the window slid open It took me a moment to realize that he was holding something out to me My muddled thoughts wouldn't let me focus enough on the object to recognize what it was but when I did my eyes snapped to his

"I can't accept this" "I could tell you liked them earlier," he said. "Take it as my thanks." In spite of myself, I reached for it. It was the All Time Low album we were listening to on the ride home. I looked at it, marveling at the good condition it was still in, and I knew it held some sort of importance for him"You know," he said, forcing me to look away from the CD to meet his gaze. "I feel a lot better. Thanks for your services, my little porn star"He winked, and before I could say anything about the horrible nickname, he was already bidding me goodbye. I was left standing shell-shocked on the sidewalk, clutching the CD close to my heart and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop the memory of the kiss he'd given me from invading my thoughts It wasn't really that much of a kiss to be honest-it was just a slight brush a moment's touch gone in a heartbeat like it never really happened-but my skin still felt warm long after he said goodbye   
Flicker

This is how it felt And this is how it still feels. Here in the swathe room, Where it started out Small nothing but a tear Which now had grown to be A gaping hole that Resonates with the ache of Missing you Like the echos of yesterday-- The laugh that slowly F a d e s The voice that is now Remembering the Gilmer reflected in your eyes watching helpless as that light winks out Until it's nothing but a slight flicker Then darkness This is how it felt And this is how it still feels In this white room Where it all ended

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO HOW WAS IT PLZ FOLLOW MY ACC ON INSTAGRAM @BELLARKE_AU_


	22. Chapter 22

Back then I would have celebrated passing a Chem exam by having a sleepover or movie marathon with Raven or by treating myself to some of those custard cream puffs from the small pastry shop in town I would have gone over to Ryders to tell him about it and he would take me out to one of my favorite restaurants or whatever

Now I was simply stuck at home watching a movie that I'd randomly come across while the TV

It was ridiculous

The movie used that clichéd best friend plot all over again one of them liked the other while the other was in a relationship with someone else. Even without watching the first half of it I could easily tell what it was about(and how it was going to end)

That was the thing about movies They always end during that happy moment the perfect scene where everything's right and there was no way anything could go wrong Life doesn't work that way because there's always something that comes after"the end"

One of them might meet someone else and cheat on the other One of them could die early They could fall out of love and realize it wasn't working out as well as they thought it would have The guy might dump the girl for no apparent reason Or there is a reason, but all she gets is "It's complicated." That's it. A clichéd overused line, and a few weeks later she'll find her ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend going on dates in the park.

Suddenly pissed, I turned the TV off and slumped back against the couch. Almost as if on cue, my phone buzzed with a text I checked the phone, expecting it to be Bellamy but I was pleasantly surprised to see that it was Lexa

Let's grab some pizza

I didn't have to think twice to type a quick reply

Since I didn't have my car I had to walk over to the bus stop two streets over to get to town

When I arrived at Project Pizza Lexa was already seated on a table at the far back She looked up from the book she was reading when I called out to her grinning widely and waving excitedly at me  
"You wear glasses?" I asked her as I sat across from her They weren't those hip-nerdy full-framed glasses that were popular these days They were, as I call them, grandma glasses

 

And the ridiculous thing was that she could still totally rock them "Yeah sometimes"she replied"I usually use my contacts"She snapped her book shut"Im so glad you agreed to come Everyone says they're too busy"

I laughed"Well it is a school night You really can't blame them" "Well that didn't stop you did it?" "I guess not"

After ordering two slices of pizza each and some sour cream-flavored mojos she immediately started to tell me about Bellamys immediate reaction whenever he saw sour cream mojos "I swear even just the smell is bound to make him run the opposite direction."  
"Really?" I asked her imagining Bellamy the way she described him She told me about the first time he ate them The moment he put a piece in his mouth his face quickly scrunched up in a ridiculously funny grimace  
"It's hilarious I'm surprised you didn't know that yet" she said"Hasn't he taken you here before?" "Not really"I said. "Seriously?" I nodded "Wow Where did you go on your first date anyway?"she asked me

Now that she brought it up I realized Bellamy and I haven't really gone on the whole first date thing We skipped the usual cliché movie and dinner date or whatever that usually ended with a kiss on the front porch

Still, I said"We had a picnic once then we walked around town" "A picnic?" She gave me an Are you serious? look"Is that even a date?" I tugged at my collar fighting he urge to squirm under her stare. "We um... sort of skipped the whole first date thing?" The horrified look on her face was enough to let me know that I gave her the wrong answer "You can't possibly skip the first date How can there be a second one a third one a fourth one if-oh my god Don't tell me he hasn't taken you out on a proper date" "No I mean yes I mean what?" I bit down on my lower lip, forcing my thoughts to clear up with a shake of my head. "We hang out a lot Really we do" "No" She shook her head violently. "This is unacceptable. How can he not have taken you out yet?" "I really think the picnic counts" I offered quickly"It should count Really. It was romantic I had a great time And we have dinner out a lot"

 

She narrowed her eyes at me"But that's different." I failed to see how hanging out could possibly be different from a "date" but I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to make her reconsider on this one She must have seen the way my face crumpled in defeat because she suddenly let out a sigh  
"I'm sorry" she said shaking her head as she removed her glasses"I guess I just want everything to be perfect for you two"  
I had a feeling this had something to do with Sarah and what happened between her and Bellamy and I wanted to ask her because it was so difficult to be the only one who wasn't in on the secret

When Dad got cancer I had no idea about it until he got admitted to the hospital They left me in the dark for an impossibly long time and since then, I never wanted to stay in the dark ever again

I needed to know what Sarah's deal was because I was afraid the answer was going to slap me straight in the face harder later I didn't want to be that girl again-that girl who couldn't do anything but stare at the closed door at the hospital corridor the girl no idea what was happening to her dad on the other side of the door or that whatever was wrong it was killing him

I don't want it to be like that with Bellamy again

So I found myself saying"Bellamy never told me about Sarah"

She looked up at me but she remained silent "He once said that moving on is being able to remember something without hurting"I continued, staring at the half-eaten pizza on my plate "And... I think he hasn't completely moved on"

For a moment she just looked at me Then she took in a deep breath "Well" she began"he forgot to tell you the part where moving on doesn't happen instantly You don't just wake up one morning feeling Eh I don't give a shit about that motherfucker anymore"

I peered up at her compelled to listen to every word she was saying  
"It's a process"she added her voice growing soft"Bellamy had been stuck in a rut for a long time, and you're the one who pulled him out of it, and he might not have moved on completely yet but he's getting there"

Was it the same for me? Have I been making progress?

Was I still stuck?

 

"Don't hesitate to tell me if he ever hurts you," she said"Id personally give him a black eye for being stupid and violently shove him your way until he apologizes"

I laughed, shaking my head"I had a feeling you'd say that"

At some point between taking a quick shower and watching a movie when I got home, my phone started ringing. It was, needless to say Bellamy I put the movie on pause to answer

I hadn't even said hello when he began talking in that confident cocky way of his "So tell me" he said, "why is one of my best friends sending me death threats for, I quote, 'being the worst boyfriend ever'?" "Hello to you too"I said, trying to fight back a smile as I turned away from the laptop. "There's no time for pleasantries when my friend is preparing a guillotine for me" he replied without missing a beat "Shall I assist her with the preparations?"I offered "Clarke if you wanted me to take you out on a date you should have just said so," he said and as usual I could clearly imagine him smirking like the jerk he is"No need for medieval death contraptions and my crazy best friend sending me death threats to be involved."  
My eyebrows shot up"Whoa there Blake" I said. "First off I don't want to go on a date Second why can't I take you out?"  
"So you do want to go on a date."  
"No," I replied. "I was just making a point." "There's no need for point-making griffin Just tell me when and I'll see if I can fit you in my schedule" he tried again and while I knew he was joking (I could practically imagine him smiling) I couldn't help but feel slightly irritated "Saturday night sounds good to you?" "No. I don't want-" "Okay good I can't wait too!" he said, much too cheerfully "Bellamy"I warned. "Clarke" "We can just pretend we went on a date"I said "Make up the details and stuff."  
"Or we can go on a real date"he shot back. "Come on Do you really think Lexas going to let this go? I half-expect her to spy on us during the date"  
"Oh my god she's totally going to spy on us I know it She's crazy that girl"  
"Crazy is sort of an understatement" he replied"What normal person threatens your life with a guillotine?"

 

"She probably has an underground medieval torture chamber with wall braces and stuff," I said. "With enough room for the two of us when she finds out that we didn't really go on a date." "Why do you want to go to this date so badly?" I asked him. "It's not like we really have to." "Has it ever occurred to you that I might actually want to spend time with you?" He was starting to sound less cocky, more irritated. "Is this the moment where you confess your undying love for me?" I asked him in a very flat tone, every word dripping with sarcasm. "It's the moment where you should admit that you actually enjoy my company enough for you to agree to go on a friendly date with me." His voice rose so I knew he was getting agitated. "Come on clarke" "Why do you keep assuming that I enjoy being with you?" I snapped at him  
"Well, don't you?" he snapped back  
"That's not the point," I said. "It's just that... you keep assuming I would go along with every little thing that you want to do without even asking me." He fell silent, so that all I could hear through the static was his quiet breathing.

I bit my lower lip, fighting the urge to smooth things over. I just felt stupid because telling him that I do enjoy being with him would be like admitting that I let my guard down; that I've allowed him to get too close for comfort

And I didn't want him to know that he had that power over me.

After a prolonged moment of silence, he finally said, "Well, sorry I'm such a bother to you." His voice had lost its edge, but for some reason, it was worse to hear him speak so calmly "I wasn't aware you hate my company that much." "Bellamy that's not what I-"  
He hung up  
He fucking hung up on me  
I looked down at my phone in shock. The conversation had been a blur. Guillotine, medieval contraptions, crazy best friends How did it go from that to me, staring in shock at my phone?

I tossed my phone on the bed feeling both pissed and stunned and worried at the same time. Why was he turning it into such a big deal?

Too pissed to continue watching the movie I'd been busy with for the thirty minutes, I figured I should just sleep and forget all this ever happened

 

Except, of course, I couldn't.

I kept thrashing around, trying to find a comfortable position, but I only ended up messing my sheets.

Every so often, I would pick my phone up, only to toss it away again. It was stupid.

By two o'clock, I finally gave up and fished for my phone from the tangled covers of my bed. I sat up, and before I could begin second guessing my decision, I typed in a quick message.

Are you mad?

But that didn't seem right, so I deleted it and tried again.

You freaking hung up on me.

That wasn't exactly what I was going for either. I scowled and deleted that too.

Are you still pissed?

No, that still wasn't right. I groaned and let myself fall back on my bed. Why was this so freaking hard? I tried again.  
Are you up?

Before I could change my mind, I quickly sent it.

Of course, I immediately regretted my decision. I should have said something else. I should have asked if he was still angry. I should have just apologized. Or maybe I shouldn't have texted at all.

Oh, my god, I never should have texted.

I should call my hacker friend and have him erase the text using his broad knowledge of technology and stuff. It will be like I never even sent it. Yeah, I was going to do that. That was the best idea ever... except I didn't have a hacker friend.

Then again, it was already two a.m., so he was probably asleep by now.

My phone buzzed and I (am ashamed to admit that I) yelped rather loudly in surprise. For a moment, I just stared at the phone, wondering if I should just pretend I didn't receive his reply, or that I'd already fallen asleep, because all of a sudden I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk to him now.

Groaning, I finally just picked my phone up and opened the message  
It really took you 4 hours to text?

Before I could reply, he texted again.

And a text? Really? You couldn't have bothered to call?

So I called him. He answered on the first ring. "What?" he said flatly.

I fiddled with one corner of my blanket. "Are you mad?" "What do you think?" Gritting my teeth together, I bit back a snarky reply. Instead, I took a deep calming breath. "I'm trying here." "Well, try harder."

 

"Look. I'm sorry, okay?" I spit out, but I sounded more pissed than apologetic, so I said it again, softer this time. "I'm sorry." My apology was met with silence, and I was just about to check the screen to see if he was still on the other line when he spoke again. "For what?" I scrunched my nose up. "For earlier." "Try harder." I bit the inside of my cheeks to keep myself from groaning. "For being a bitch?" I heard him exhale over the line. "Clarke" he said, sounding more tired than angry, "that's not what I'm mad about. I mean, if that was it, I'd be mad at you all the time." Fighting the urge to say something about that last part, I said, "Then what is it?" "I don't know," he replied. "You tell me."  
"Bellamy please." I was growing desperate, and the worst part was that I didn't even know why it bothered me so much.

I heard him take another deep breath before speaking again. "You know why I'm pissed?" he began and I could almost imagine see the look on his face as he said this-eyebrows scrunched up and lips turned into a slight grimace. "I'm pissed because you always, always, deny everything. You're in this big stage of denial and it's like you've even convinced yourself to believe in your own lies." "What are you talking about?" My voice was rising again, which was bad because I didn't want to get into another argument. I forced myself to keep calm, shutting my mouth to keep myself from saying anything. "Do you really believe that I'm just dragging you along? That you hate it when I never consult you about these things, you hate it when I take you out on a picnic, you hate it when I pick you up for school, you basically hate everything. You hate me." "I never said that!" "Well, you never said otherwise." "For fuck's sake, I don't hate you, okay?" I yelled, too riled up to stop myself now. "I wouldn't be up at two in the morning having this conversation with you if I did. And I don't hate the fact that you always just drag me along, assuming I'd be fine with it." "Then why are you always so against it?" "Because it scares me," I snapped, and only when I said it did I realize that I felt this way

 

He fell quiet; like he, too, was surprised to hear that, and I forced myself to continue. "It scares me because you always know what would make me happy. You always know what to say to make me laugh. You always know how I feel, when I have no idea what exactly I'm feeling. It scares me because you always know everything." I didn't expect myself to say that. I didn't even know I was feeling this way until the words came pouring out.

After a few beats, he finally responded. "Not always." There was a pause, then some rustling. "I don't always know everything-especially about how you feel." "Yes, you do." I pressed the phone harder against my ear. "You always do." "No," he said. "I really don't." Neither of us said anything for a while, but I could hear his subtle breaths, and I wondered if he could hear mine too. It was ironic, really, how it seemed as if we had grown closer when in reality, we were kilometers apart.  
"Are you still mad?" I asked him, breaking the silence. He took his time, making me grow even more anxious, and I could feel my heart pounding against my ribcage as I waited for his answer.

Finally, he said, "A bit." "Why?" I all but screeched at him.

He ignored my question. "Good night Clarke" "Why?" I asked again "Because"

I huffed. "That's not an answer"

He groaned"Because this sucks"He sounded annoyed, bordering on irritated. "I was so pissed at you I was really, really pissed. But for some reason, I just spent the past four hours trying to stop myself from calling you I was pissed off for fuck's sake but I was the one who wanted to apologize And that sucks"

It took a while for his words to sink in. When they did, the corners of my lips lifted to a slow smile. "You wanted to call me?" I could imagine him with his face scrunched up in annoyance. "I just said that." "So you're mad at yourself," I pointed out, "not me." "No, I'm mad at you for making it impossible for me to be mad at you." His statement was so invalid that I couldn't help myself from grinning like an idiot"Am I forgiven, then?"

 

He grunted out a reply that sounded suspiciously like Yes before saying good night and hanging up before I could say anything in reply. I rolled my eyes and typed a quick text

You're an idiot when you're pissed off. :P Good night. I didn't think he would, but he replied.

Just go to sleep ughhh asdfghjkl you're driving me nuts.

I bit my lower lip and was typing the words before I could stop myself.

It's kind of cute.

I sent it before I could think better of it, knowing I'd regret it immediately. In fact, I was already making a mental note to befriend a hacker.

Still, I fell asleep with the phone still clutched in my hand, tucked close to my chest.  
Bellamy and I were late the next day as both of us ended up oversleeping, but the rest of day sailed smoothly.

We decided to head over to Parker's with the others to "celebrate this miracle," as Justin had put it, holding out a Trig exam with a red C scrawled on the right top corner for everyone to see. Everyone went except for Rev, who had a date with his boyfriend. "He's a total hottie," she had told me, "I would bang him if he, you know, actually swung our way, but he and Rev are just so cute together." After dinner, we decided to walk around first, just because none of us wanted to go home quite yet Bellamy and I trailed behind the others, watching them joke around as we trudged along the sidewalk. "Remember when I said my mom wants to meet you?"Bellamy suddenly brought up, a note of hesitation in his voice.

 

He tugged at the collar of his shirt. "Yeah. It's, um, not as awful as it sounds." Not quite believing that, I asked him to elaborate. "Um. There's this new restaurant with..." "With?" I prompted. "A seven-course meal," he finally let out. Then, with a groan, he said, "Okay, it is as awful as it sounds." I couldn't believe it. I stopped walking to give him a wide-eyed look. "When I agreed to this, I wasn't aware it was going to be a formal, fancy, probably candle-lit dinner with your mother." He tried a smile. "Surprise?" I put both hands over my face and groaned, trying to keep myself from shooting Bellamy with a string of four-lettered words.

When I've calmed down enough, I lowered my hands and said, "I don't even know if I have anything to wear. I'll have to go through my closet all night to find some dress fancy enough for a seven-course meal." "If it makes you feel better," he said as we resumed walking, "I'd be busy too." I raised an eyebrow at him. "Picking your dress?" He laughed, shaking his head. "Going to Google to figure out which spoon to us for whatever." I punched him in the arm, fighting the urge to laugh. "God, I can already see that this is going to be disastrous." He nudged me with his shoulder. "Come on. It won't be so bad. At least not for me." "Why? Because it would be a good place to pick fancy girls up?" He turned to me with a grin that made me catch my breath"Because you'd be there"


	23. Chapter 23

There was absolutely nothing I could have done to prepare myself for Lexa and Lily's identical reactions when they found out I was going to meet Bellamys mom after school  
We were eating in the cafeteria when the girls asked if I wanted to go shopping with them later prompting me to exchange a look with Bellamy who just shrugged at me  
"I'd love to" I told her"but Bellamy and I already have plans."  
"Boo you whore" Lily said throwing a piece of fry in my direction, but I could tell from the look she was giving us that she didn't really mind us going "What're you two up to anyway?" Bellamy and I exchanged another look before explaining the situation to them  
I was betting he never would have told them anything if he knew how Lexa and Lily would react to the news. There was a lot of high-pitched squealing and overexcited OMGs  
From my peripheral vision I noticed Raven looking over sitting alone at the table we used to share She was looking directly at me and for some reason I couldn't tear my eyes away I took in the dark rings around her eyes and the miserable air that seemed to surround her  
I only looked away when I realized that Lexa was talking to me  
"We're definitely helping you get ready for it!"  
I honestly didn't understand much of what Lexa and Lily were saying my mind too preoccupied with thoughts of Raven to give them my full attention. At some point between Lexa asking me if I had a curling iron at home and Justin "falling" out of his seat (long story) Bellamy must have noticed that something about me was off  
"What's up?" He turned on his seat to look at me his eyes searching mine  
I looked over at Raven in reply prompting him to follow the direction I was looking at Then his eyes slid back to mine  
Quietly he said"I think you should go and talk to her"  
The objections were already halfway out my mouth when I caught sight of Raven again. The words died on my throat. I considered it for a long while, trying to think of pros and cons but finally conceded and nodded "Yeah. I think so, too." I excused myself from the others (who were now in a rather intense debate about movies) and stood up

 

Before I could even take one step away I felt Bellamy tugging at the sleeve of my cardigan I turned to look down at him slightly confused"What?" He looked at me through his lashes"Don't be long"  
My brows furrowed further.. "Yeah"  
He let go of the cloth and nodded turning back to the others and joining the discussion without missing a beat  
The walk towards Ravens table was nerve-wracking  
For the past two years, I'd eaten at that table with her talked about boys with her, complained about the cafeteria food with her but now the distance between us was so big it seemed impossible to cross But she looked so sad, it seemed even more impossible not to try  
She didn't notice me until I was already just a few feet away from her She looked up in surprise, eyes wide in a way that reminded me of a deer caught in the headlights

Without asking I took the seat beside her"You look like shit"  
"Clarke"she said and I ignored the way she inched back a little  
Trying to keep my voice from shaking, I said, "What's wrong? Did you get in a fight with Ryder or something?"  
I knew I was acting like a bitch but I couldn't help it. It was the only way I could force a word past the lump in my throat without breaking down to tears The act kept me together and I refused to be anything but fine in her presence. "Clarke"she said again, her voice quivering slightly. She began to fiddle with the hem of her oversized sweatshirt, keeping her eyes focused on her lap. "There's nothing going on between me and Ryder"

My head snapped to look at her "What?" "There's nothing" "You were-at the picnic-you and Ryder-" "No"She shook her head so violently that a few strands of her hair fell from the bun on top of her head"That was a misunderstanding I was so mad and hurt and I don't know what came over me but I didnt bother trying to explain"  
I twisted in my seat so that I was facing her completely"You're the one who's mad and hurt?"  
"You were the one who left," she told me, her voice breaking at the last word"You ignored me and you made it seem so easy to throw away two years of our friendship just because of a fight And I thought we could fix this but now you have your new friends and-and-and it's  
like I never even mattered"

I stared at her feeling something tug at my chest pushing against the walls that I set up to ward Raven off"Why were you together with him then?" "We were talking Just talking" she told me"We had something in common" "What?" Her voice was merely a whisper when she said"We lost you" "He was the one who left me" "Which was why" she told me"a few days before the party when we fought I couldn't stand seeing cry over him so I came to his house, shouting and demanding answers"

Feeling numb, I stared at her listening, and I couldn't do anything but let her push the walls until they fell down It felt like she was using foreign words from a language I didn't speak and none of it made sense

Her gaze softened"He still hasn't told you why he broke up with you has he?"  
I swallowed feeling my heart beat erratically against my ribcage"He said it was complicated" "It is." She took a deep breath and held my gaze"It wasn't his intention to hurt you like that" "Bullshit"I spit out"Why can't he just tell me? Why can't you?"Raven looked away"It's not my place to tell you"  
My eyes began to water but I blinked the tears back before they had the chance to roll down my face  
"Whatever," I forced out through gritted teeth. "Is this what's bothering you? The whole Ryder thing?" I detached myself from the words knowing that if I let them pour out with all my feelings intact I wouldn't be able to handle it  
"Why?" she said looking intently down at her food  
"Why do you care? I thought you were... done with me"  
"We might not be best friends anymore," I said struggling to keep my voice from shaking "but I wasn't kidding when I said you look like shit"  
She looked at me then right into my eyes and I held her gaze to let her know I was serious about this She looked away refocusing on her lap and quietly, she said "It's my mom"  
My heart sank to my stomach  
Raven was an illegitimate child Her father refused to even acknowledge her existence and she had no one but her mother  
"What happened?" I asked her "She had a mile stroke"

I could hear the pain laced with her words, her sadness dragging them down so that every word seemed to carry a massive weight"She's been in the hospital for a week now" "Oh my god." I looked at her unable to stop myself from caring. "Is she okay? Is everything all right?" "The doctors say she's fine but they still have to monitor her and stuff"She sounded like a child who tripped and skinned her knee but was trying not to cry trying to be strong telling herself it's just a wound"Clarke I'm scared."  
I didn't know I still had it in me but I felt so guilty for not being with Raven when she needed me the most and at that moment whatever happened between us all of it didn't seem to matter  
None of it mattered as I pulled her in wrapping my arms around her and realizing that I missed her I missed her fondness for hugs her soft-spoken demeanor her strawberry shampoo I missed all of it  
"Clarke?" she said  
"Mm?"  
"Did you just sniff me?"  
Horrified I released her

Did I just sniff her? Nobody told me idiocy was contagious I couldn't believe I sniffed her I mentally cursed myself and Bellamy for influencing me with his sniffing habits and it took me a while to realize that Raven had started laughing beside me  
"You-the look-your face-"  
Despite the fact that I was red-faced and completely embarrassed I couldn't help but listen to her laughter realizing that I'd missed it too It would be so easy for us to fall back into this, with the two of us on this table back to being best friends and I found asking if I could visit her mom  
She looked at me studying me closely as her laughter died down  
She knew I was terrified of hospitals that even the sight of clinics brought back memories of my dad's death and maybe this-me volunteering to go to the hospital with her-was my way of apologizing to her of asking without asking if we were fine now  
Her expression softened into a hopeful look"You'd do that? Really?"  
I nodded  
I tried to absorb everything that just happened in the past five minutes letting the weight of missing her lift off of my shoulders I was so grateful and relieved because despite everything else I couldn't deny that I missed her

 

"Clarke I'm really sorry" she suddenly said, sounding like she might as well start crying, "for everything"

Biting my lower lip I reached for the hand tugging at the hem of her sweatshirt I crossed that distance and held her hand in mine feeling the tears forming in my eyes as well  
"Me, too."  
We stayed like that for a few moments, then I remembered Bellamy and the way he held onto my sweater earlier  
I stood up"Come sit with us"  
She looked at up at me with wide eyes, looking more terrified than surprised. Then she glanced at Bellamys table before looking back at me"I don't think... Look at me I'm a mess They're all... sparkly What if they don't want me-" "Trust me" I cut her off"Come on"

For a moment she didn't move her eyes darting between me and my new friends I knew then that she must have known what this meant to me that inviting her to sit with my new friends was like inviting her to be a part of my new life  
She knew this and slowly she stood up  
I had to look over my shoulder a couple times to make sure she was still trailing behind me until we reached the table where Bellamy was looking at me with unreadable expression on his face  
"Guys, this is Raven" I said and before I could say anything else Justin jumped up  
"You!" he yelled pointing condescending finger at Raven who flinched at the suddenness of it all I tried to fight back a smile at how scarily similar this was to the way I'd been welcomed the first time I sat with them"Which do you think is better? The Breakfast Club or Mean Girls?"  
Raven blinked in surprise giving me a wide-eyed stare before reluctantly looking back at Justin" um the Breakfast Club?" "Hah!" Lily yelled"I told you Come here Raven Sit beside me These idiots suck so much they don't recognize the genius that is The Breakfast Club"Dan was already pulling an empty chair from another table placing it beside Lily as everyone scooted to make room without question

 

Raven looked at me, the expression on her face a cross between awestruck and stunned  
I gave her an encouraging smile as she made her way to the empty seat I settled back into my spot beside Bellamy I eyed Justin, who was visibly sulking muttering darkly under his breath"Is he always this passionate about Mean Girls?"  
"It appears her big sister influenced him a little too much," he replied. Then he gave me a small smile"So You and Raven" "I'll tell you about it later" I told him "I'm glad you worked it out"

I looked up to see Lily introducing everyone to Raven

We still had a lot to talk about but for now we had time on our side  
"Me, too"I said "Oh, god, this car is filled with so much... estrogen"bellamy shuddered as he began pulling the car out of the parking lot

Prior to my meeting with Bellamys mom Lexa and Lily declared themselves my stylists for today and much to Ravens surprise they dragged her into it as well Bellamy would drop us all at my house, so the three of them were sitting on the backseat Raven wedged between the two  
"Oh, stop complaining. You love us"Lexa said"And you'll love us more once we're done with Clarke "

Bellamy rolled his eyes and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like girls but I could see him smiling Needless to say Bellamy stayed quiet as the conversation mostly involved dresses and shoes and makeup And apparently boys  
"Are you kidding? I don't like it when they have too many muscles" Lily said and when I turned, I could see her wrinkling her nose in disgust. "I mean, sure, it's hot on celebrities and all, but in real life, I don't like it What is he, a wrestler?" Lexa fought back"What's wrong with buff guys?"  
"Everything! They also probably use steroids or something" Lily fought back.  
"It's not that I like buff guys, but it doesn't mean I hate them,"Lexa said. "I mean, I don't see anything wrong with a six-pack..." "What do you think Raven?" Lily said. "Um. I'm kind of on Lexas side." Lily groaned and turned to me "How 'bout you Clarke?" "Oh." I blinked, fighting the urge to blush for suddenly being put on the spot. "Um..." "Oh my god!"Lexa yelled before I could answer

 

"You literally moved closer to listen Bellamy" "I didn't," he quickly denied Then, in a more confident voice, he said, "I already know she likes me the way I am. She stares"He sent me a sideways glance tilting his head slightly towards me with a stupid smile plastered across his face"A lot"  
"I do not," I cried, feeling my cheeks flush when the others began to laugh from the backseat  
"Admit it griffin"  
I made a face and huffed. "Don't flatter yourself."  
He only laughed.  
It had been a while since Raven had come over to my house. Lexa and Lily however were so excited that they got out of the car and nearly tore Raven to two as they unintentionally played tug of war pulling her to get out as well. After that was resolved Bellamy and I were left in the car together "Was that okay?" I looked at him. "For me to invite Raven to the table like that"  
He gave me a look"What're you talking about?"  
"Well, it's just that, I'm not really, you know, one of you, and yet-"  
"Look," he cut me off. "Did it seem like the others minded?"  
"I..." I thought about it and continued, "I don't think so."  
"And did it make you happy?"  
I nodded  
"Then why wouldn't it be okay? It's fine with them Clarke And it makes you happy." He shrugged "And that's what matters"  
I stared at him, dumbfounded because in spite of everything, the fact that he always seemed to know what to say to make me feel better still surprised me  
Dropping my gaze, I said"Thank you," and immediately turned away to reach for the door handle  
Before I could open it however his hand shot out to grab my arm I turned to him trying to ignore the warmth that spread from my arm to the rest of my body  
"For the record"he said, his eyes gentle but serious "You are one of us so stop thinking that you're not"  
For a moment, the two of us just sat there, looking at each other, and I felt this sudden rush of gratefulness engulfing me. I swallowed, nodded, and murmured another "Thank you." He released my arm, easing back into his seat as he sent me a quick grin. "I'll see you later, Miss Porn Star." I groaned and flipped him off before climbing out of the car

 

My mom wasn't home yet so we had the house to ourselves Lexa and Lily immediately assaulted the picture frames around the house, gushing about this and that and anything they found mildly interesting. I excused myself to get them something to eat and drink before going up to my room.  
"I'll help"Raven offered and followed me out of my room  
The silence between us seemed awkward. I couldn't blame either of us, knowing full well that it wasn't exactly easy to fall back into how we used to be when we'd been apart for so long.  
She knew this house as much as I did and the sight of her rummaging through the cupboards with this sense of familiarity made me question why I ever let things go wrong between us  
Clearing my throat I said"You should eat with us from now on"  
She paused, turning to peer up at me"Is that okay?"  
I remembered the words Bellamy had told me before he drove away and an almost involuntary smile made its way to my face"Of course"I told her "Of course it is" "So, this thing with Bellamy..." she began trailing off to give me a questioning stare instead  
I looked down. "We have a lot to talk about." After preparing the snacks we headed back to the living room and headed up to my room Aside from Raven and Ryder and Bellamy just a few days ago I had never brought anyone else up my room  
It seemed so lively to have all three girls here at the same time, gushing yet again at the pictures I had on display. I saw Raven holding my picture with Ryder the one taken from last year's Winter Formal and I held my breath, wondering if she would ask me about it ask me why I still had it on display but she just set it back down  
"Go take a shower." Lily snapped her fingers and before she could shove me to the bathroom I left them and grabbed my towel Behind me she yelled"Be quick!" Lexa immediately began working on my hair the moment I got out of the bathroom forcing me to sit in front of my vanity mirror as she blew my hair out with the dryer Lily and Raven were rummaging through my closet looking for the "perfect dress" as the All Time Low album Bellamy had given me blasted from my laptop

 

It was Lily who worked on my makeup when Lexa started to curl my hair, leaving Raven to decide on the dress and accessories. "Is all this really necessary?" I asked them. "You're meeting his mom," Lexa replied. "Of course it is." "Shouldn't I have a say in this?" I eyed the high heels they found somewhere in the back of my closet. I wore heels on a regular basis, yes, but they were never really as high as these ones. "No," the three of them answered together.

Despite the prodding and the plucking (among other things), I had to admit it was pretty fun to have them help me. My room was filled with raucous laughter and surprisingly elaborate discussions about the first time we tried to wear makeup ("Warren said I looked like a clown,"Lexa told us) and their presence calmed me down enough to stop worrying about the thought of meeting his mother.

I knew there wasn't really a reason for me to be nervous-I wasn't even Bellamys girlfriend for real-but I couldn't help it Some part of me was afraid of what she might think of me and another was afraid of how I could possibly interact with someone like her  
It turned out, however, that I should have been worrying more about my own mother because half an hour later, the door creaked open and Mom popped her head in.

For a moment, the two of us just stared at each other and the others immediately shut up. She broke eye contact long enough to let her eyes swept over the room just as Lexa and Lily recovered and jumped into apologies and introductions.

Things between my mom and I hadn't changed.

There were just too many things separating us, a messy pile of rubble that made it impossible to navigate our way towards each other, and the only way to get rid of them was to talk.

But talking was something we hadn't done for days now.

I struggled to keep my voice polite when I told her, "I'm going out to meet Bellamys mom" "You're meeting his mom?"She sounded as surprised as I thought she would be  
She didn't like Bellamy That was something she had made clear one too many times

 

She kept telling me she knew his type, and I was better off staying away from someone who would never take me seriously, and now, looking at her stunned face, I couldn't help but feel a bit of satisfaction at the idea of making her realize that she wasn't always right.

She said something about how nice the girls are for helping me prepare, surprisingly polite, before slipping out of the room.

Around an hour later-in which we managed to have small debates about my hairdo, ice cream, boys (again), and whether or not the manic pixie dream girl character was annoying or not (definitely annoying)-they finally, finally declared me ready.

They chose a black dress with a full skirt that stopped a few inches above my knees. It had long, lace sleeves that were surprisingly comfortable (I expected them to be itchy) and Lexa put my hair up in a surprisingly intricate half-do, some of it pinned up and the rest tumbling down in soft curls.

We all got out of the room after cleaning the mess we made and I was surprised to find that my mom had prepared sandwiches for us.

She stared at me as I stood there by the counter, as though she was surveying the way I looked, and I wondered what she was thinking of. It felt like the anger we felt towards each other had been momentarily forgotten so that there was nothing but the two of us daring and failing to say something.

I wanted to thank her for not treating my friends badly, but I couldn't force the words out, and before I could say anything, she left to go upstairs.  
The sandwiches she prepared might as well have evaporated into thin air just seven minutes after Lexa Lily, and Raven stumbled into the kitchen I was about to join them, but I was stopped when Mom returned and called me out.

I gave her a cautious look.

She placed a small box on top of the counter. "I thought maybe these would look good with the dress." "Oh." I picked the box up, still struggling to make sense of the way the two of us were behaving, and settled with saying thank you before hurrying back to my friends

 

I took the seat next to Lily who was in the middle of telling the two something about some reality TV show I wasn't familiar with. The box was so small I could almost close my fist over it, but something about it tugged at my memory. The black faux velvet was smooth on my skin and for a moment, I couldn't make myself open it  
When I could no longer stop myself, however, I finally flipped the lid over.  
I held back a gasp.  
"They're beautiful," Lily gushed out when she saw the earrings nestled into red cushion, causing the others to huddle around me too.

I looked over my shoulder to look at Mom, but she was already gone, and all I could do was look back at the diamond studs sitting in the box  
To say I was surprised would have been an understatement. I was beyond shocked-not because they were beautiful but because I knew my father had bought them.

It had been so long ago I couldn't even remember when exactly it happened, but I could vaguely recall going to the mall with both Mom and Dad. I saw the earrings displayed on some jewelry shop and I grabbed my father's hand and led him to the glass case, pointing at them to tell him that I wanted them. My dad bought them, but said I wasn't allowed to wear them until I grew older, so Mom kept them hidden.

I'd forgotten all about them until now.

My hands were shaking when I put them on.

Mom must have retreated back to her room, so I didn't get a chance to thank her, and while I knew we weren't fine yet, not at all, something was shifting. I wasn't sure what to make of it, but it turned out I didn't have much time to worry anyway because soon enough, the shrill note of the doorbell rang across the house.

Lexa and Lily immediately scrambled out the kitchen to open the door  
Raven and I stood up, shaking our heads as we watched the two girls hurry past us. "Are they always this excited?" she asked me. "Oh, no," I told her. "They're usually much worse." We followed them and as soon as we stepped into the living room, I knew Lexa and Lily were already semi-harassing Bellamy complimenting him while simultaneously telling him to wait until he sees me

both of them speaking so quickly it was nearly impossible to make out what they were saying

This, as expected, didn't seem faze Bellamy at all. He just stood there, leaning sideways against the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest, looking thoroughly amused at the way his friends were acting.

He was wearing a blue long-sleeved button up paired with some slacks. He seemed to have made an effort to comb his hair, but even then, it was still considerably messy. It wasn't much, really, but as I stared at him, I couldn't help but realize, perhaps for the first time, just how good-looking he truly was.

In fact, he wasn't just good-looking.

He was fucking gorgeous. "There she is!"lexa (yet again) squealed, prompting Bellamy to look over to where I was standing.

As soon as he saw me, the smile slid off his face.

Our gazes locked, his eyes piercing mine, and I just stood there, frozen in place as everything but Bellamy seemed to blur into the background. It wasn't the first time I'd found myself drowning in the blueness of his eyes, but something about this moment was... different.  
I didn't know why or what made me think so in the first place, but suddenly it felt like everything that ever mattered was contained in this fraction of a moment; this piece of now that seemed to stand out among all the others that led to this. "Hey," he finally said, pushing himself off the doorframe. "You clean up well." I blinked, forcing myself to recover, to snap out of it, but before I could even open my mouth to reply Lexa had already stepped down on his foot, eliciting a girlish yelp from Bellamy"What was that for?" he half-yelled at her, bending down so he could clutch his shoe with both hands. 'Clean up well'? Are you fucking kidding me?" She crossed her arms over her chest. "Try again or I'm setting up the guillotine." "Fine." He scowled, turning to me with a slight frown on his face. Holding my gaze, he said "Clarke you are absolutely breathtakingly beautiful and I am deeply honored to be in your presence tonight"

 

I gave him an unimpressed look. "Ah, be still, my heart," I said flatly. "At least try to look like you mean it. The expression on your face is all wrong." He raised an eyebrow at me, one corner of his lips lifting up into a small smile. "Oh, it is?" "Yeah." "What do I look like, then?" I narrowed my eyes, pretending to study him. "Like... somebody just stepped on your foot." "Ah." A grin broke out of his face, wide and dorky and goofy, like everything that is and ever will be Bellamy Blake"Quite accurate." And this time, as I looked at that fucking grin of his, I really meant it when I thought be still my heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAKE SURE YOU FOLLOW MY ACCOUNT ON INSTAGRAM 
> 
> @BELLARKE_AU_
> 
> I HOPE YOU LIKED IT


	24. Chapter 24

I hadn't ever really noticed how loud a bunch of girls can be when they're together in a confined space until we dropped Lexa, Lily, and Raven off at the bus stop. The car was immediately plunged into silence in the absence of random girly discussions, which I enjoyed mostly because of Bellamys obvious cringing at some topics  
I especially enjoyed the talk we had about puberty, sharing our "first menstrual period" stories. Bellamy looked like he was ready to jump out of the car the moment the word "ovary" was mentioned  
It was hilarious  
The silence seemed more obvious as we drove away from the bus stop and a smile made its way to my lips when I noticed Bellamys obvious relief the moment we got rid of them  
"Don't get me wrong," he said"I love them and all, but I don't appreciate the free lesson about the best tampon brand to use."  
I arched an eyebrow, amused. "I heard guys use tampons, too."  
"What?" he literally half-screeched the word in surprise.  
"It helps with nosebleeds for when they get into fights"  
I didn't know it was possible for his scowl to deepen further until it did. "Why the hell would people do that?"  
I shrugged. "They're really absorbent?"  
"I would really appreciate it if we stopped talking about this."  
"How about menstrual cramps, then?"  
The poor guy looked tortured. I laughed at the horrified expression on his face Bellamy was so different from most guys that I sometimes forget the fact that he was still a guy after all. I shook my head at him and dug out a Mayday Parade album from the glove compartment  
He looked over just as I inserted the disc. "You like them?"  
"I love them!" I exclaimed, making him laugh.  
"Well, that's definitely a first," he commented.  
"First what?"  
"First time you didn't try to deny anything." He even risked a momentary glance at me just so he could show me his trademark smirk before looking back at the road  
"Do you really think I'm in denial?" I asked him, cringing upon hearing how stupid the question sounded. "Don't answer that."  
Ignoring the last part, he said, "Well... I just think you don't like getting into terms with your feelings, so you... avoid them completely"

I made a face, thinking of shoving my fist into my mouth to stop myself from saying something like That's not true, which would have made the whole in denial thing easier to point out. "Like how?"  
"Why don't we start with you admitting that you think I'm awesome?" he said.  
My first instinct was to say I don't think you're awesome, but I clamped my mouth shut.  
"Come on. Say it," he coaxed. "Say 'Bellamy Blake' you are an incredibly awesome friend. And you also happen to be unbelievably sexy and undeniably attractive.'"  
I made a face, careful not to deny anything. "Is that how you really think about yourself?"  
"It's what you're thinking about me," he said easily, a crooked grin replacing the smirk. "Only you're in denial about it."  
I rolled my eyes at this oh-so-typical Bellamy statement. "Whatever makes you sleep at night."  
The sound of his laughter filled the car, and when it died down, he turned to give me a quick glance. "Remember before we agreed to this whole fake relationship thin?"  
I wrinkled my nose. "What about it?"  
"Nothing." He made a left turn at the corner. "I'm just glad I got to know the real you. It would have been my loss if I hadn't."  
I was positive my heart had lodged itself somewhere in my throat, making it impossible for me to do anything but stare at him. I wrenched my eyes away from him, concentrating instead on the small semi-invisible watermark on the surface of the dashboard.  
"But the real me is a bitch," I finally told him.

He chuckled. "You're getting the hang of this non-denial thing." I scowled, ready to retaliate, but then he added, "You're not, by the way."  
My eyebrows shot up my forehead  
"You're not a bitch," he continued. "You just act bitchy as a way of coping with your feelings. Like a defense mechanism."  
"Kind of like how you use your jokes and whatever."  
"Kind of like that," he admitted with a slight shrug

We let the words sink in, and in the silence that followed, I found myself thinking about Raven and how thankful I was that we managed to talk earlier

I couldn't believe how much I missed her and how stupid I had been for ever shutting her out like that, and if it hadn't been for Bellamy chances are I probably would have never made up with her  
"Thank you for earlier," I said as I clasped and unclasped my hands on my lap. "When you told me to approach Raven and talk to her."  
"That wasn't me." He shook his head, keeping his eyes fixed on the road. "That was all you."  
"You were the one who told me to go." I kept my gaze on my hands, staring at them like they were fascinating beyond compare. "I wouldn't have talked to her if you hadn't suggested it."  
"I think," he told me, "that you would have gone either way."  
Stunned, I turned to him. "Really?" "If I weren't afraid of Lexa and her guillotine," he said, "I would have ruffled your hair right now while saying 'Of course,' but I know she'd kill me if I ruined her 'masterpiece.'" Almost involuntarily, my lips tugged into a smile. I looked at him. "How did you know it was her who did my hair?" "She told me." I saw him raise an eyebrow and smile his smile. "You know, around thirty seconds before she murdered my toes." I burst out laughing. "You mean thirty seconds before you let out that girlish yelp." He groaned dramatically before shaking his head and laughing along with me. "Well, yeah, that too." The fact that he admitted it easily made me laugh again. "Wow, are you going through a state of non-denial, too?" The sound of our laughter filled the car, along with the blast of music from Mayday Parade, and at that moment I realized just how much Bellamy had changed everything. "Bellamy?" "Mmm?" "It would have been my loss, too," I said, not quite looking at him, "if I hadn't met the real you"

I only started to freak out when we finally got to the restaurant. Even from the outside, the place looked incredibly grand; polished and undoubtedly high-class. "Mom's already inside," he said. "You ready?" I wasn't, but it wasn't like I had another choice, so I just nodded and tried to calm myself.

He made a gesture with his left arm, one that I'd only ever seen in movies

At first I just eyed his elbow warily, raising an eyebrow at him, but the look on his face compelled me to walk closer and loop my arm through his.  
As soon as we reached the door, a man politely ushered us in.  
A few seconds later, I found myself silently thanking the fact that I could hold onto Bellamy for support, otherwise, I would have tripped on my heels. The place took me breathless, making my head spin at its grandeur. If it fazed him even just the slightest bit, however, he hid it well.

The interior was dimly lit with mini chandeliers radiating a soft, orange glow. The tables were draped with maroon table cloths over white ones and, much to my surprise, didn't have candles but flowers at the center. The sight was so overwhelming it took a while for me to realize the soft, classical music playing in the background.  
I barely noticed the fact that we already stopped walking until Bellamy cleared his throat

Blinking, I tore my eyes away from the velvet drapes and my gaze landed on a stunning woman with strikingly familiar features. She stood up from her, offered me a polite smile and held her hand out. "You must be Clarke"  
I shook her hand, trying not to gawk at how beautiful she was and how her form-fitting black dress suited her tall figure. Her hair, fixed in a classic updo, was the same sandy brown as Bellamys and there was something about her that just seemed to remind me of Bellamy "Hi Mrs Blake" I managed to say, but as the shock of seeing her wore off, I began to think back to what Bellamy had told me. This was the woman who was having an affair with Ryder dad, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't quite fully shake the thought off. "It's nice to finally meet you."  
She sat back down again, then a waiter pulled the chair out for me, prompting me sit down as well.  
"Please, call me Isabelle" she said. Her eyes were fixed on me and while the polite smile never left her face, I could see her studying me"Bellamy didn't tell me you were this pretty"

My hand twitched at the urge to cover my face and hide. I didn't feel pretty at all, sitting there with her and all those other rich people. "Thank you Bellamy didn't tell me you were either"

 

The moment the words left my mouth, I regretted them, and I had to fight the urge to bang my head against the table.  
Isabelle, however, just laughed.  
The food (the appetizers, anyway) arrived quickly, so I figured she must have ordered beforehand. I had absolutely no idea what the dishes were, but they were surprisingly delicious. I was too nervous to talk, but whenever she asked me a question, I did my best to answer  
"I do hope you're not a vegetarian?" she asked me as the waiters whisked our used plates away to get ready for the next course.

Bellamy snorted "I'm not," I replied to her with a smile before glaring at Bellamy "Her? A vegetarian?" he said, "You should see her eat Sloppy Joes-"  
I kicked his shin under the table and he let out a slight yelp "What's wrong?"I said, giving him a sickly sweet smile.

He narrowed his eyes at me and Isabelle seemed pleasantly amused with the whole exchange.

Bellamy had been unusually quiet during the whole time, but he would say a word or two here and there. I tried to answer her questions without seeming like a bumbling idiot, and after a few minutes, I began to loosen up enough to ask her questions too.  
We were halfway through the main course when she began telling us about her work and how it was like during those first few days.  
"So there I was, a fresh grad, surrounded by all these other journalists from other papers, and at that moment, I didn't know what to do. You study all of it and you've covered stories in the past, but right there, you suddenly have no idea what to do." She smiled, bringing her goblet to her lips to take a small sip of her wine. "It's the real world, I thought to myself. It's all real now." It was impossible not to feel drawn to her; she was so beautiful, so elegant, so charismatic, and she made it so easy to forget about the whole cheating-on-her-husband thing "Clarke writes,"Bellamy who might as well have gone mute for the past few minutes, chose this moment to present this piece of information. "She's really good," he added, swatting my hand away when I reached up to cover his mouth "You're a writer?" Isabelle said, raising her (perfect) eyebrows at me

Needless to say, I blushed and dropped my gaze back to the food. "I'm not that good."  
Bellamy rolled his eyes. "She is." "No. They're mostly just poems for my Literature class. A few essays, maybe." Isabelle directed a rather dazzling smile at me. "I originally wanted to take up Creative Writing," she offered. "I took a Creative Writing elective back in college." "How was it?" I asked her, feeling genuinely interested as I started to cut the meat with the (hopefully right) knife for a small bite. "The first day, the professor-I forgot his name already-walked in and asked us, why do people write?" A smile made its way to her face. "Everyone answered with the usual. To express, to create something out of nothing, to put thoughts into paper, and around fifty other variations of 'to express.' "And you know what he said? 'Anyone who believes that people write simply to express, walk out of this lecture hall now. I don't need you in this class.'"  
My mouth dropped open "Nobody moved," she continued. "We all just stared at him. I think some of the students didn't like him, but I was actually fascinated." She took another sip of her wine. "He told us that writing is more than just a form of expression." "Did he tell you?" I asked her. "What it's about, I mean." She nodded. "I don't remember the exact words, but I remember him saying that writing served different purposes for everyone. Some people write to make something ugly beautiful, some write to leave a part of themselves to be remembered, some write to give words soul and meaning, and some write to exist in non-existence." I stared at her, dumbfounded, and I couldn't help but say, "That's beautiful." She smiled. "I know. I enjoyed his class a lot." Sometime during dessert, where this mouth-watering delicious apple-crumble pie was served along with some cream puffs and strawberries with (white, milk, and dark) choco dip Bellamy excused himself to go to the washroom "At first, I didn't believe him when he said he had a girlfriend," she said once Bellamy had gone. "If anything, I'm glad it's you." I fumbled for a moment before clearing my throat"Thank you I'm glad too"

 

She was making it really hard to hate her. I tried not to think of what I should feel because a part of me wanted to be mad at her, to shout at her for cheating on her husband. Another part wanted to feel guilty for not being able to hate her like I thought I would, and I was beginning to understand how Bellamy must feel-to be torn between his mom and dad-and I couldn't help but feel sorry for him  
"Isabelle?"  
Both Isabelle and I looked up to see a dark-haired woman hovering uncertainly by our table  
As soon as Isabelle saw who it was, they began to talk in a more mature version of Lily and Lexas high pitched squealing. I watched them for a moment before looking away, my eyes landing on a guy my age standing unsurely behind the dark-haired woman instead "This is my son, Dylan." The woman placed a hand on the guy's arm and he introduced himself politely. I wasn't sure if it was just my imagination, but his glance at me seemed too last a second longer than necessary. "Bellamy is in the washroom right now," Isabelle said and gestured at me. "Clarke I'd like you to meet Julie. We used to work together. Julie, this is Clarke Bellamys girlfriend"

Some pleasantries were exchanged and I tried to be as polite as possible. The guy-Dylan-was looking at me with a slight smile on his face. I looked warily at the direction of the restroom, waiting for Bellamy to come back.  
By the time he did, however, Julie and Dylan were already seated at their own table at the edge of the room  
"What did I miss?"Bellamy said as he sat back down and Isabelle asked him if he remembered Julie or not (he did), and the conversation moved on  
By the time we finished all the courses, a band had begun setting up at the podium at the back of the room. Isabelle didn't allow us to drink wine, so she let us order our own drinks (mine was a strawberry-banana shake and Bellamys was lychee)  
When Isabelle excused herself to take a call Bellamys inched his chair closer to mine  
His breath tickled my ear as he whispered"Some guy is staring at you"  
My cheeks burst into flames and he laughed when he noticed it making me blush even harder

 

What he didn't know was that my blush had nothing to do with the guy staring at me and instead had everything to do with his sudden proximity  
"Seriously," he murmured, and I tried to ignore the shiver running down my spine. "He won't stop looking."  
I followed the direction he was looking at to see Dylan looking over He averted his gaze at the last minute.  
"It's your mom's friend's son" I told him, sipping my drink through the straw  
I could tell he was about to say something, but that was the moment the band started to play. I didn't recognize the song, but the soft guitar plucking and piano riff was soothing and slow.  
Around us, people from the other tables stood up and headed to what seemed like a dance floor Bellamy and I watched them for a moment and I was just about to say something about this when he suddenly rose from his chair  
I looked up at him in shock but he simply held out a hand  
Flustered I shook my head "Come on," he said. "No," I said, giving him a pleading look.

He rolled his eyes. "Are you really going to turn me down while that creep of a guy is watching?" "Your mom will be back any minute now." "She can handle herself. Come on." He reached for my hand and I let him gently pull me up.

He led me to the dance floor, paying absolutely no attention to my half-hearted protests, and as soon as we joined the other couples, he placed his hands on my waist. I conceded, knowing resistance was completely futile now, and let mine rest on his shoulders.  
"How's my mom so far?" he asked me as we began to sway with the music.  
There was a hesitant note in voice and when I lifted my eyes to his, I knew what he really wanted to ask. "I don't know," I replied, thinking it was best for me to just go with the truth. "I thought-I thought I was going to hate her completely, but now... I don't know what to feel" I let out a sigh and dropped my gaze"I'm sorry"  
"Don't be"  
I peered up at him. "You don't have anything to be sorry about," he added, but the smile on his face was enough to tell me just how unsettled he must be feeling about all this. "Hey," I found myself saying, and when our eyes locked, I forced myself to continue

 

"It's-it's like I know she's a good person. She is She just... happened to make a bad decision." I didn't know why, but I suddenly stepped closer finding the need to press the side of my head against his shoulder"A really bad decision But her affair doesn't define her as a person It doesn't define her whole character It doesn't nullify the other good things about her. It's just a mistake."  
I felt him stop moving for a while, prompting me to look up at him  
Softly, I said, "I'm not saying it's okay to ignore it, because it's not. What I'm saying is that it's just one thing about her that you can't love, but that doesn't mean you can't love the other good things."  
For a moment, he just stared at me, and I had to wonder if I might have overstepped some invisible boundary between us, but then, slowly, quite slowly, a small, grateful smile slipped onto his face. "Why do you always know what to say?" "What are you talking about?" He was the one who always knew what to say. "When I told you how I hate myself for not being able to tell Dad about Mom," he said. "It's like you can look at things in a different light. In a way that most people can't." I shook my head. "You're just overthinking this." "No" he said, "no, I'm not. Most people can't see through the bad things. You can. You acknowledge the bad things but you can still see the good things"  
I fell silent and we just continued dancing, managing a small twirl here and there, until the song ended.

Just as the next song started, I heard someone clearing his throat behind me. "Mind if I cut in?" Bellamys eyebrows shot up his forehead and I turned around to see Dylan. "Bellamy right? Look, I know she's your girlfriend" he said quickly, raising both his hands in the universal sign of surrender. "I just... thought it would be a waste not to grab the opportunity." Bellamys grip on me tightened for a nanosecond before loosening and I looked up to see a vaguely amused expression on his face He shrugged and smiled at him. "I'll be watching you so don't even think of trying anything funny"  
That was it? He was simply going to give me away like that? Wasn't he even just a tad jealous?

 

My thoughts whirred to a stop at the realization. What was wrong with me? It wasn't like he was my real boyfriend anyway.  
Dylan tentatively offered his hand and I stepped away from Bellamy to take it, trying to be as polite as possible. The song sounded familiar, but it took me a while to recognize it as How Long Will I Love You by Ellie Goulding, and the male singer really sang it well. I caught sight of Bellamy asking Isabelle to dance with him  
I turned back to Dylan and smiled. "So," I said, feeling incredibly awkward  
"I think I heard this song from a movie before," Dylan began, probably sensing my wariness.  
I nodded. "Yeah. The title was About Time, right?"  
His face lit up. "Yeah! That's it. That was a good movie."  
His smile was pretty contagious and I started to relax. "I know. I loved it." I shook my head, and without even thinking twice about it, I said, "My father died from cancer, so the ending really brought me to tears."  
"Oh. I'm sorry." He looked at me with such sincerity it nearly took my breath away. "Now I feel bad for bringing the movie up"  
I shook my head and smiled. He was so open and sincere, and I immediately knew he was a good person. "No, no, no. It was my fault."  
We talked for a while, Dylan skillfully changing the topic like a good conversationalist. He was actually pretty funny, easily making me laugh and ease into a surprisingly comfortable conversation with him.  
When the song ended, he offered to walk me back to the table. We were on our way, but Bellamy had just finished walking Isabelle back and was heading directly towards us.  
Dylan and I stopped.  
"Hey. I was thinking we could dance more?"Bellamy said, looking slightly embarrassed to ask.  
My heels were starting to kill me, but I didn't care when I answered, "Of course."  
Dylan thanked me for the dance and turned to Bellamy with an easy smile. "You're a lucky guy"  
I couldn't tell if the smile on Bellamys face was real or not when he said "Indeed I am"

 

When Dylan was far enough Bellamy led me back to the dance floor. The next song started and he carefully pulled me closer. This time, he placed both of his hands on my waist.  
I tentatively placed my hands on his shoulders, trying to ignore the tingles quickly spreading from where his hands held me, but then he grinned at me and pulled me closer, so my hands met somewhere at the back of his neck. There was almost no space between us as he held me in place.  
"You looked like you had a really good time," he said. "Do you like him?" "He's... nice."  
"Well, he obviously likes you. Did he ask for your number?"  
I shook my head. "Not really. I told you, he's nice. He doesn't seem like the type who'd do that knowing I had a boyfriend."  
He just shrugged "I heard this song somewhere before," I said in an attempt to change the topic. "From How I Met Your Mother." He nodded, smiling at me. "I think the title is What Would I Do Without You." "That's it!" He nodded and grinned before singing along with it. His voice wasn't perfect, but there was something about it that made me think I could listen to him all night. "I meant it," he suddenly said, "when I said you weren't a bitch. When we were talking in the car." "Come on." I shook my head. "I am, and even I know that." "No. I'm serious." Something about the way he said it compelled me to look up at him. His blue eyes held mine as he removed one hand from my waist to tuck a stray lock of hair behind my ear. "The real you lies in that the girl who told me stories of her dad. The girl who got distracted at the sight of a family at the amusement park. The girl who wrote that brilliant poem. The girl who grabbed my face to check for injuries when I said I had a fight with my mom. The girl who convinced me not to hate myself." He was looking right into my eyes and he leaned down to let our foreheads touch. "I'm glad I met that girl." It was driving me crazy. He was driving me crazy. I looked down, worried that I might pass out if I kept looking into his eyes. I could feel my heart thrashing against my ribcage, too fast and too loud

Could he feel it?

Could he hear it? "Bellamy" I said, slightly breathless. "Mm?" "You are an incredibly awesome friend." I looked up and met his gaze. "And-okay, fine-you also happen to be unbelievably sexy and undeniably attractive." Slowly, his lips tugged into a wide grin, immediately lighting up the rest of his face and the whole room. "I knew you'd admit it someday." "I'm not saying I'm attracted to you or anything," I suddenly blurted out, unable to keep myself from blushing. "Just that you are attractive. To others, I mean. You know, in general. Not, like, to me. So, I'm, um, not attracted to you." "Griffin" he said, looking like he was trying not to smile, "I never said you were."


	25. Chapter 25

"The drive home was pretty much uneventful," I said to Hail the next day"Bellamy dropped me off and Isabelle thanked me for meeting her"  
We agreed to meet at Cofee Overdose before heading to the hospital so I can visit Ravens mother  
It had been a while since we last hung out here, so when we walked in earlier, we were thrilled to know that Chris the hot barista had noticed our apparent absence. "I was wondering where you'd both disappeared to," he said, already fixing our orders before we could even tell him what they were.  
I had just finished telling Raven about the night before and everything that happened during the dinner, and the expression on her face matched the expression on Lexas face whenever Seth and I did something "sweet" in front of them. "You know what's funny?"Raven asked me. "You used to hate Bellamy You used to say he was disgusting for being the player he was and everything."  
I looked down at my half-eaten blueberry cheesecake, almost unable to believe that I'd been so narrow-minded back then. "I was wrong."  
She nodded, smiling at me. "Yeah. I guess you were." There was a hint of hesitation in the way she peered up at me, but she said, "You know, I'd always thought you and Ryder were, I don't know, the real thing?"  
She wasn't the only one, I thought, and before I could say something in reply, she was speaking again.  
"Don't get me wrong." She raised both hands, giving me a hurried glance. "I mean, looking at you and Bellamy it's just... you look good together. And I mean that on a deeper level. Like, your whole character fits with his. Like you're meant to be. It's... it's pretty amazing."  
I took a deep breath and looked her in the eye. I'd been thinking a lot about telling her the truth between me and Bellamy There had never been secrets between us before this, and even though she refused to tell me why Ryder broke up with me, I understood her. It wasn't her secret to tell.

But this one between Bellamy and I was mine, and I couldn't stand the thought of her rooting for the two of us when there was never really anything to begin with  
"What is it?"

She Said"You have that look on your face."  
My brows furrowed."What look?"  
"The one you usually have on your face when you're trying to decide if you should tell me something or not."  
I didn't even know I could look like that, and the thought of Raven knowing me so well reminded me of the fact that Raven knew me-really knew me-and despite the fact that we hadn't talked for so long, that didn't change. "I don't have anything to say," I said.

She narrowed her eyes at me. "I'm not buying it." To be honest, I wasn't afraid of her ratting me out. I knew she would never tell anyone, especially Ryder Raven had always been better at keeping secrets than I was, but there was something about letting anyone know it was all fake that made me feel uneasy, like telling her it wasn't real would result to it being less real.

And that was ridiculous, because it wasn't real. I'd been so used to Bellamy-to the idea of "us"-that sometimes, even I forget that it was all fake; and the truth was that just easier to pretend that "we" were real. Letting someone know the truth would somehow take that away.  
But that didn't make sense, because why should I care?  
"I know it's not the same,"Raven suddenly said, snapping me from my thoughts. "I guess it's not that easy to tell me about stuff now. Sorry"

To say I was surprised would be an understatement. She was looking at her food like it was suddenly so interesting, and I figured that she must have taken my silence the wrong way. "No," I said, reaching over to put my hand over hers. "Raven it's not that." She looked up at me. "It's not?" I sighed. "Of course it's not. It's..." I trailed off, unable to find the right words to finish that sentence. "It's about Bellamy and me." Her eyebrows creased together as she stared at me. "What about Bellamy?" I took a deep breath"Promise you won't tell anyone?" She gave me a flat look. "Do you promise?" I repeated firmly, letting her know the importance of the matter. "Of course," she said in all seriousness. "I promise. Now out with it"

I fixed her with a long, hard stare. She looked serious, so I rid myself of any uncertainty. I told her everything-from the reason behind my sudden change to how things started with Bellamy and how everything was fake "Oh, my god," she breathed out, shaking her head when I finished talking. "Clarke this is..." I bit my lower lip, hesitantly looking at her. "This is?" She looked me straight in the eye. "I can't believe it. I can't. Tell me you're joking." Squirming a little in my seat, I said, "I'm not. I'm telling the truth." She pressed a hand to her forehead and shook her head. "But-but you and Bellamy are perfect." "What?" "I swear," she said. "Nothing about it looks fake." I rolled my eyes. "Well, maybe we're good actors." "Bullshit." I reeled back from the shock.

Raven never swore. She never said anything that was even close to cussing-not even the word "piss" because she thinks it's inappropriate and vulgar. "What did you just say?" "I said"-she pushed her hair out of her face, gritting her teeth as her voice rose-"I think you really like him. For real." I nearly stood up from my seat. "I don't" "Yes, you do." Shaking my head, I leveled my gaze with her"Trust me. I don't." She narrowed her eyes at me, analyzing me so closely I couldn't stop myself from fidgeting. There was a knowing look on her face that I was absolutely, completely terrified of. "Have you always been this blind?" "I don't know what you're talking about." I downed the last few ounces of my caramel latte before standing up. "Come on, let's head to the hospital."

That night, I dreamt of me as a little girl. I was running in an endless white corridor. At first I thought I was running from something, but then I realized I was running towards something.  
I was a following a bird, chasing after it, running as fast as my short legs could manage.  
I woke up at past one a.m., feeling as if the dream had drained all my energy.  
It wasn't that it was scary or anything, but it wasn't the first time I had it, and that was what bothered me.  
I had the same dream when I was younger, right around the time my father died, and I figured it must have had something to do with the fact that I'd just gone to the hospital earlier.

Raven wouldn't stop thanking me for visiting Lauren. She knew, of course she knew, that I had always hated going to the hospital. It reminded me of those few short weeks when we had to rush to the hospital because Dad fainted, when he threw up so violently, Mom had to make me go out of the room, and since then, we had to stay in the hospital because Dad was too weak to go home.

I'd skipped school during those last few days, and one night, I woke up to hear Mom talking to my adviser over the phone. "It could be any minute now," I heard her say. "I just want her to spend every last moment with him."  
It scared me.  
She kept telling me he'd get better, that there was nothing to worry about because he loved us and he would fight this and everything would be back to normal. And I must have known that she was lying, but I believed in her because it was too painful to believe otherwise.  
Since then, I spent nearly every day watching Dad, fighting off sleep in case he woke up long enough to talk to me

When he died, I steered clear of hospitals, and when I walked into the hospital room to see Lauren sleeping in that god awful hospital bed earlier, I almost ran out.

The look on Ravens face stopped me and I knew I had to stay with her

It was the same look on Mom's face whenever she saw Dad in that drugged slumber that was supposed to take his pain away, and I knew Hail needed me there.

When I left, she hugged me so tightly it wasn't difficult to imagine just how shaken up she really was about all this

 

Now, at one in the morning, I realized that the dream must have meant something like me chasing my Dad. The white corridor might as well be the hospital and the bird I was running after was Dad  
I tried to go back to sleep, tossing and turning in my bed.  
Whenever I closed my eyes, images of my dad in the hospital kept coming back to me: images that reminded me most of his death-nurses running into the room, him coughing blood out, my mom trying to be strong for all of us.

Before I could think better of it, I found myself reaching for my phone from under my pillow, dialing Bellamy like it was nothing out of the ordinary  
I thought back to what Raven had told me earlier Surely, she must have been reading things the wrong way. I knew Bellamy and I had grown closer than I could have ever expected, and it would be pointless to deny that I didn't care about him, but I didn't like him in that way  
I couldn't possibly. "Clarke?" Upon hearing his groggy voice, I knew I'd woken him up. Pushing down the guilt I felt, I said, "Hi." There was a rustle over the static. "What's wrong?" "Why are you assuming that something's wrong?" "One does not simply call at... one in the morning for nothing important." There was more rustling, making me wonder what on earth he was doing there. "So, what's up?"  
I felt ashamed for waking him up, especially because I had no idea why exactly I'd decided to call him, and I knew that if he was the one who woke up me up in the middle of the night, I probably wouldn't be taking it as well as he was. "Nothing. Sorry. I'll just-um-sorry for waking you up," I said. "I'll just hang up and let's pretend this never happened." "Nope," he said, and I heard the unmistakable sound of a door creaking open. "Tell me what's wrong." "Really," I insisted. "Forget it. Go back to sleep." "I can't do that." "Yes, you can." "Nope." "Why not?" I heard the sound of jingling keys and the sound of a door shutting close. "Because I'm already on my way there"

I pushed the car door open and let myself out, closing the door just as Bellamy shut the trunk close. "You need any help?"

I asked, eyeing the large backpack slung over one of his shoulders, the paper bag in one hand and the acoustic guitar in the other. "I can manage." We walked side by side in silence as I looked around the deserted beach. I shoved my hands deeper in the pockets of my jacket, trying to ignore the cold bite of the sea breeze surrounding us. "Why did you bring me here?" When I paid him a sideways glance, he was giving me a thoughtful look. "If you want to go somewhere else, just say the word and I'm all for it." "No," I said. "No, this is fine. It's a good place as any." He smiled and I felt like I had to literally tear my eyes away from his face.

We stopped just a few feet away from the shoreline Bellamy setting everything down on the sand. He unzipped the backpack and fished a blanket out, and I was vaguely reminded of the time we had a picnic at the park.

It seemed like such a long time ago now. Back then, I never would have called Bellamy in the middle of the night just because of a bad dream, and I never would have thought that I would ever learn to trust him to the point that surpassed the way I trusted Raven

Was it the same for him? I couldn't tell.

When he was done splaying the blanket out across the sand, he sat, stretching his legs in front of him. He smiled and patted the space next to him. "C'mere." I kicked my slippers off and obeyed, trying to ignore the tingles I felt where my arm was pressed against his when I sat down. I hadn't thought of changing out of the denim cutoffs I was wearing when I left, and the cold air bit at my bare legs, so I pulled my knees to my chest and hugged them close

He reached for the paper bag and fished out three containers from it

I raised an eyebrow as he opened each container. One held a mix of sliced fruits, another had chocolate chip cookies and the last one had a variety of chips

When he saw the look on my face, he gave me sheepish look. "What? I'd love a midnight picnic anytime." "How did you prepare all this?"

"A magician never reveals his secrets," he said and reached for his backpack. He dug around for a while before taking a silver thermos out, along with two white mugs. "I brought hot choco." Unbelievable. How could he have done all this? All this, just from a dream I had. And it wasn't even remotely close to a bad one.

Suddenly overwhelmed with both gratefulness and guilt, I turned to him. "You didn't have to do all this." "I wanted to," he replied without missing a beat. He poured some chocolate on both of the mugs and handed one to me with a small, reassuring smile. "So," he said when I took it from him. "What's wrong?" "It's stupid," I replied, shaking my head.. "Really. All of... this wasn't necessary." "Give me some credit," he said, lightly bumping his shoulder with mine. "I know you enough to know that you're upset." My eyes snapped to his.

For a long time, we just looked at each other, and something about the way he was looking at me compelled me to speak.

So I did.

I told him about the dream, and the visit to the hospital. I told him about the images that kept bothering me when I tried to fall back to sleep. He kept his eyes on me the whole time, listening without once interrupting me, and something about the way he seemed to absorb every word made me feel like he genuinely cared.

When I was done speaking, I couldn't help but say, "I told you it wasn't anything important." He didn't say anything for a beat, then he looked away and threw a small shell to the inky black ocean. "Seems pretty important to me." "Not enough for you to do all this." I gestured to the blanket and the food splayed out in front of us. "I just wanted to talk." "Well, we're talking." "We could've done that over the phone." "Well, yeah, but you sounded upset." He nodded, tearing his gaze away from the ocean to look at me. "What else was I supposed to do?" I didn't answer, too busy reminding myself to breathe. "You know," he said, turning away to look back at the ocean, "that was really brave of you." "What was?" "Going to the hospital." He reached up, placing a hand on my head to, as I expected, ruffle my hair

 

He wasn't smiling, but there was something about the thoughtful quality in his gaze that made my breath catch in my throat.

When he released me, he shifted in his seat to grab the guitar. He started strumming something familiar. He was looking at the fret board, eyes downcast, head tilted to one side, and I watched him, transfixed.

When he began singing, I realized the song was Collide by Howie Day.

Why did I always find myself loving the way he sang, even though his voice was far from anything special? It felt like each word was ripping through me, breaking down the walls I'd put up around me.

His eyes flickered to mine, and when our gazes locked, he grinned.

The sight sent a shiver down my spine.

Images of him flooded my brain. The way he cheerfully smiled when he said we were going on a picnic, a basket in one hand. The sad look on his face when he told me about Octavia The way his face lit up when he was with his friends. The vulnerability reflected in his eyes whenever Sarah was mentioned. The way his eyes crinkled whenever he grinned.

The way he would kiss me, gentle and patient, never rushing anything, making me feel like everything was real.

I thought about all these things, almost involuntarily as his voice filled my head, and I couldn't believe that there was ever a time when I thought badly of him, when all this time, he was the type of guy who wouldn't hesitate to get out of bed in the middle of the night just because I sounded upset.

The butterflies continued to flutter about uselessly, not just in my stomach, but every-fucking-where, and it was like I could feel them in every crevice of my existence.

It was impossible to ignore now, right here, with my heart jumping like a fucking gymnast to the rhythm of my perpetually misaligned thoughts.   
I was falling for Bellamy Blake


	26. Chapter 26

I wish I could say that the realization made it easier to deal with everything-the butterflies, the blushing, the weird tingly sensations.

It didn't.

In fact, it was the exact opposite. The moment the thought occurred to me, I bolted up from my seat, taking Bellamy by surprise. He stopped playing to look up at me. "I'm taking a walk," I breathed out, not quite looking at him.

A crease formed between his brows He set the guitar down on the space next to him"I'll come with-" I had already turned on my heels before the words had even left his mouth I didn't bother to wear my slippers in my haste to leave

I heard him shouting in the growing distance. I snuck a glance over my shoulder and when I saw him pushing himself up to stand, I yelled, "Don't follow me!" I hastened my steps, matching them to the beating of my heart. He looked confused, but I didn't care. I just kept going, walking closer to the water before veering off to the right.

I was falling for Bellamy Blake

Fuck.

How the hell did that even happen? My thoughts had gone haywire as my mind tried to make sense of the erratic beating of my heart.

What scared me most, though, wasn't the thought of me falling for Bellamy It wasn't just that. It was the fact that no matter how hard I tried to come up with ways to convince myself that it was simply a foolish thought, I couldn't come up with anything.

Bellamy was thoughtful in a way that always managed to take me by surprise. He never failed to make me laugh. He always knew what to say to make me feel better. The sight of his smile made my heart do twenty fucking backflips.

How could I have never seen it before?

Moreover, how could I have let it happen?

It felt both right and wrong at the same time. We were friends. I couldn't possibly fall for him. Things were good the way they were and I didn't want these feelings to ruin everything.

There was also the unmistakable fact that Ryder still haunted me in a way that I couldn't help. If only it was as simple as deciding I didn't care anymore, I would have done it long ago, but it wasn't

It felt weird, like I was gravitating towards Bellamy despite the magnetic pull that seemed to keep me attached to Ryder  
Fuck. I couldn't even understand my own thoughts. Nothing seemed to make sense. It was-  
"Holy shit."  
My heart skipped a beat and my head snapped to the direction of Bellamys voice.

He was hopping on one foot a few yards behind me, one hand stretched out for balance on his side while the other held onto his other foot.

Before I knew it, I was already sprinting towards him. "What-what happened?" I managed to say when I was close enough. I was pretty sure I pulled a muscle but I could hardly make myself care.. He looked up at me, a grimace plastered on his face, "Hey." I quickly crouched down to examine his foot. "Shit," I cursed, trying not to shudder at the sight of blood pouring out of a long gash"Sit down"  
"No, it's-"  
"Sit down," I repeated in a firmer voice.

He did, ungracefully falling on his butt as he struggled to sit down with one foot suspended in mid-air.

I gave the wound a closer look, trying to see past all the blood. I could hear the blood pounding against my ears, making it hard for me to focus on the task at hand, but I forced myself to stop panicking and focus on Bellamys foot.

I prodded it gently with a finger, but he flinched almost instinctively. "A piece of glass got stuck," I told him. "Is it supposed to bleed this much? I don't think it's supposed to bleed this much. Is it? I should-I should-there's a-fuck, wait, I don't-" "Clarke" he said, unnervingly calm, "it's nothing big." "Are you kidding?" My face, I was sure, scrunched up into a deep scowl. "It's like-like your foot is on its fucking period. On the second day!" He blinked, his eyebrows shooting way up his forehead, and after a few seconds of stunned silence, he burst out laughing. "What?" I all but screeched at him. "You're freaking out," he said in between laughs. He settled down with a smile that took my breath away. "It's kind of cute." I was suddenly thankful for the lack of light, if only to hide the blush that quickly crept its way to my cheeks. "I told you not to follow me," I pointed out to him  
"If you listened to me, you never would have stepped on this fucking piece of glass."  
He winced a little as I gingerly touched the area around his wound. "What? Like I could just sit there and wait?"  
His concern washed over me, making my cheeks burn even hotter.

Fuck. I'm so screwed.

I heaved a sigh, knowing it was futile to argue with him. Quietly, I muttered, "You're an idiot." "I was just worried," he reasoned. "Do you have a first aid kit in your car?" When he answered yes, I helped him get to his feet (or, you know, foot). He draped one arm over my shoulders for support, sending me a small apologetic look and we set out to return to our spot.

I could tell he was trying not to put too much of his weight on me, but it still took some effort for both of us. I was surprised I hadn't already fainted, considering that the fact that he was mostly pressed against me made breathing a chore that took a lot of deliberate effort. "This sucks," he said under his breath. "If you just stayed back, this wouldn't have happened," I told him again.

He scowled. "This was supposed to be the other way around." "You want me to get hurt instead?" "I'm not saying that." He frowned. "It's just that if this was a movie or a novel or whatever, I would be carrying you and you'd be crying because, you know, you're the one with the menstruating foot." "Only if it was a sexist movie," I told him, trying to fight a smile as he referred to his wound the way I had described it earlier.

His frown was replaced by an amused smile, forcing me to look away immediately. "They're my favorite," he said but the look on his face told me he was only joking. "Can't help but love it when the guy saves the girl and she falls madly in love with him." "Do you want me to?" I peered up at him through my lashes. "Fall madly in love with you"

The moment the words were out, I regretted ever opening my mouth to reply.

He grinned. "Fat chance of that when you're the one doing the saving and I'm the one with the menstruating foot, eh?" I didn't tell him that there was actually still a pretty good chance

 

I was quiet for the rest of the hop-walk thing we had going on, mostly because I was trying to distract myself from his proximity by mentally singing nursery rhymes to myself.  
The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout. Down came Bellamy and-oh, just fuck it.  
We both sighed in relief when we got to the blanket. I had to bend down and help him sit carefully.

My slightly fogged senses finally cleared up now that I wasn't pressed against his side, so I straightened back up and asked him for the car keys. He retrieved them from his backpack and handed them to me. "Don't you dare touch that wound until I get back." He regarded me with a salute. "Ma'am, yes, Ma'am." Five minutes later, his foot was propped up on his backpack and I was leaning closer to examine it further. The glass was actually a big piece, and I figured the tweezers were unnecessary, so I applied some alcohol to my hands. "You're using your hands?" he asked, giving me a dubious look.

I shushed him to let him know I preferred working in silence.

The glass was wedged so deeply I was surprised Bellamy hadn't actually cried. He winced audibly when I pulled it out, all at once in one quick pull to lessen the agony. "Holy shit, this looks like it hurts like a bitch." The piece of glass was green, like it came from a broken wine bottle. It was triangular in shape and the longest side was the size of my thumb. "Does it look that bad?" Judging from the size of the glass and the bleeding gash, I decided it was better not to answer that question.

I began cleaning the wound with some cotton and disinfectant, his foot occasionally jerking at the contact. Whenever I dared a glance at him, I would find him looking at the ocean, his jaw tightening as I applied pressure to the wound.

I started digging around the first aid kid to look for something I could wrap it with when he broke the silence. "Why did you freak out all of a sudden?" I raised an eyebrow and looked up at him. "Maybe because you stepped on a deadly piece of glass?" "I meant earlier," he told me with a shake of his head. "You just... stood up without warning and literally bolted. Scared the crap out of me"

"Oh." I dropped my gaze and busied myself by looking for the medical tape from the box. "That." "Yeah," he said, "that."  
Choosing it was best to shut my mouth, I started to unroll the gauze I found instead.  
"Was it because you remembered Ryder?" he asked me when it was clear I wasn't going to answer anytime soon. "Ryder?" I looked up, my brows automatically pulling together. "Why did you think it was because of him?" He was looking down, one hand fumbling with the hem of his hoodie. "I did bring you to the place where he dumped you." He scowled right after saying the words. "Sorry, I didn't mean to put it as bluntly as that." My heart leapt to my throat. "How did you know?" He paused long enough to look at me. Then, slowly, he said, "I was here when you broke up." I stared at him, surprised, and tried to think back to that night. It was difficult to recall much of it, considering that I'd been doing my best to forget that it ever happened

I didn't know what to say, so I refocused on his foot instead. "You asked me before I was so willing to help you," he said after what felt like forever. Taking my silence as a cue to keep talking, he said, "I think it was because I saw myself in you." I looked up at him, but his eyes were fixed elsewhere.

With one hand, he pointed at a spot over my shoulder. "See that, right there?" I followed the direction he was looking at and saw the familiar juice bar I'd gone to after he dumped me. Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I said, "What about it?" "That was where I saw you crying," he answered. "You got out of the juice bar and pushed past me in your hurry." I looked at him. "You saw me cry?" He lifted a hand over his shoulder and placed his palm on the back of his neck. "Yeah." I sat there, blinking, trying and failing to completely process this information. "I didn't know who you were at first," he added. "Then I saw Ryder and realized we actually go to the same school," he said. "Then that first day in homeroom, I knew you looked familiar, but it took a while for me to realize who you were and... I don't know"

 

He sounded hesitant; like he was afraid of how I would react, but my silence must have compelled him to continue.  
"It felt like I could see right through the act you were putting up, because that was how I was acting too, and... maybe I saw myself in you."  
For a second, I considered telling him about my feelings. The thought, however, completely evaporated as soon as I thought about the consequences. I hadn't completely rid Ryder out of my system yet and I was sure he still had unresolved feelings towards Sarah as well.

Telling him would only ruin things.

Some part of me wanted to believe that he harbored the same feelings for me. What guy would get out of bed at one in the morning for someone who wasn't special? But I knew Bellamy could have easily done the same thing for any of his friends and I refused get my hopes up.

I wrenched my eyes from his and busied myself by wrapping up his wound instead. "You never answered, by the way." My eyes flitted back to his. "Answered what?" "Why you freaked out." I bit my lower lip and dropped my gaze back on his foot. "Well, it wasn't Ryder"

First, silence, then, "Really?" I snuck a glance at him. "Mmm." His face broke into a full grin.   
______________________________________

Not long after that, we decided it was time to leave. We packed up and carried all the stuff he brought back to his car. He had to limp so as not to put pressure on his wound and driving was out of the question. He tried to protest, but I wouldn't let him. "Really," he tried, trying to convince me to move away from the driver side door. "I won't have to apply pressure with the wounded area." Still, I wouldn't budge, so he grudgingly agreed to let me drive. The fact that I had to drop him off at his house and bring his car home with me didn't exactly help with his mood. He didn't speak until we reached his house, and even then, he seemed reluctant to say goodbye.

When I got home, I did my best to climb up my room as quietly as possible so Mom wouldn't wake up. Then, as soon as I was tucked into the bed I left unmade earlier, I pulled my phone out and sent him a text.

Thank you for tonight. How's your foot?

It didn't take long for him to reply

Oh, you know, I think it's still PMSing.

I laughed out loud; the kind of incontrollable laughter that rose almost involuntarily, and I knew there was no use denying it now.   
Somewhere along the past few weeks, I had started to inch closer to the edge of a cliff, and I had no idea what was waiting for me at the bottom


	27. Chapter 27

Somehow, I thought that realizing that I had feelings for Bellamy would have warranted a more dramatic turn of events in my life, but when I woke up at half past ten the next morning, the only drama going on was me mentally cursing whatever virus I had managed to catch overnight.

It seemed like my bedroom was rocking when I sat up and I struggled to keep myself up. My head felt heavy, so my first instinct was to press the back of my hand against my forehead. My skin was hot to touch and I felt as though I might throw up any second, so I immediately plopped back into the bed.

Part of me still refused to acknowledge my feelings for Bellamy but try as I might, I knew I could no longer pretend that I hadn't grown to like him. I knew it was stupid, but the damage was done now.

I stifled a groan and pushed him out of my thoughts.

Just when I was about to fall asleep again, I heard a soft tapping on my door. My first thought was that it was just my imagination, but then the door creaked open.

I peeked from under the covers, trying my best not to move my head too much so I wouldn't get dizzy, and I was surprised to find Mom holding a tray.

She must have expected me to still be sleeping because the moment our eyes met, she froze.

I didn't know who was more stunned between the two of us, but then she recovered, blinking, as she took small steps towards my bed "I thought I'd bring you some medicine," she said, carefully setting the tray on my bedside drawer. "But don't drink it with an empty stomach. Try to eat at least a few spoonfuls first." My eyes darted to the tray and I was surprised to find a steaming bowl of oatmeal, a glass of water and some Paracetamol.

I looked back at her, half-convinced that I was dreaming.

Apart from the time she'd given me the earrings, we hadn't talked in days, and it didn't make sense for her to suddenly behave this way. She must have been aware of this too because there was a nervous lilt to her voice when she said, "How are you feeling?" "I'm fine," I told her, easing myself up into a sitting position. "It was a good thing I checked up on you," she said, hesitantly sitting down on my bed  
"I wouldn't have known you were running a fever." "You checked up on me?" I didn't mean it to sound haughty, but she flinched back at the words. I clamped my mouth shut, chastising myself for speaking without thinking. I expected her to leave, that my behavior had somehow broken whatever was going on between us right now, but she didn't.

Instead, she said, "I saw Bellamys car in the driveway and thought maybe he would be here, so I checked your room and..." she trailed off, lifting her shoulders into a slightly apologetic shrug.

At first I was confused, but then realization dawned on me.

I did bring Bellamys car home last night, and I'd been so used to Mom's silence that I didn't even consider the possibility that she'd ask me about it. "We're not-we didn't have-he didn't come here," I said, feeling my already flushed cheeks burn even further.

The idea of explaining the whole thing to her seemed like a huge step. Telling her about the car meant that I had to tell her about sneaking out in the middle of the night, and that meant that I also had to tell her about the reason why I felt the need to sneak out in the first place. It wasn't that I didn't want to discuss things about Dad with her; it just seemed so out of place for the two of us to do that, especially because we never really did.

When Dad died, it was like we made a silent agreement to put a lid on our feelings; a sloppy attempt to make everything seem normal just so we could move forward.

Now, the opportunity to talk about it presented itself, and upon seeing her expectant gaze on mine, I found myself grabbing onto it. "Ravens mom had a mild stroke a few days ago and I went to the hospital with her yesterday. It wasn't too serious, but they had to be cautious," I explained, pausing to take a deep breath before liftin my eyes to hers. "The visit made me think of Dad." Her shoulders went rigid

In retrospect, I would have preferred to have this conversation when my nose wasn't stuffed with snot and my mind didn't feel as sluggish as it did, but I was afraid I might never get the chance to talk to her about this again so I continued. "I woke up last night and couldn't fall back to sleep  
I kept thinking of him." I shook my head."I really miss him." She let out a breath and for the first time since my father's casket was lowered to the ground, I finally saw her strong façade falter, revealing the vulnerability she had hidden for so long. "I miss him, too," she said, her voice catching on the third word. "I miss him a lot." "That's a lie," I snapped.

Taken aback, her eyes snapped to mine. I refused to look away, daring her to deny it, and then her eyes softened. She bit her lower lip, dropping her gaze to her hands. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Norman." I wasn't sure what surprised me more: the fact that she didn't fight back or the fact that she was apologizing.

For weeks I've waited for her to say sorry; waited for her to acknowledge that while I knew I'd been rash and prideful and immature about the whole thing, she had done something wrong too. I've waited and waited and waited, thinking the day would never come, but now here it was, and I couldn't say anything. "I was just waiting until I was sure that things between us were serious before I told you about him," she told me. "You weren't supposed to find out that way." I knew, of course, that this was a good thing "I'm sorry for never being home too," she added, looking right at me. "When Charlie died, I could hardly even force myself to get out of my bed, and there you were, taking care of yourself, doing your chores without anyone telling you to do them, making friends. "You did so well in school while I sat at work, bursting into tears whenever I find anything that reminded me of your father." Her voice was beginning to crack at a lot of places, but if she noticed, she didn't care. "But you were growing up so quickly, and I was ashamed because you were taking his death a lot better than I was, so I forced myself to work hard." I bit down on my lower lip, convincing myself that the moisture in my eyes and the lump in my throat were simply by-products of my fever. "I didn't want to be a burden," I told her, surprised that my voice came out a lot like hers did. I clenched my fists to control the shaking of my fingers, as if that would get rid of the shaking of my voice

 

"Not when I knew things were already hard for the two of us. But then you started coming home less, and I just..." "I'm sorry." I looked away and swallowed, lifting a hand to my eyes. "Yeah," I said. "Me, too." For the longest time, the two of us sat in silence. I took the moment in, keeping the tears in and immediately wiping away the stubborn ones that kept rolling down my face. I wasn't sure how long we stayed like that, but by the time I calmed down into small sniffles, the oatmeal on my bedside table was no longer steaming hot. "Clarke?" she suddenly said. "Mmm?" "That still doesn't explain Bellamys car." I woke up a few hours later feeling considerably better. My head was still feeling twice as heavy as it usually was, but the room no longer spun around me, so the medicine must have been working.

For a moment, I worried that the whole exchange between my mother and I were just part of a dream designed to mock me, but when I turned to the bedside drawer and saw my car keys, I knew it had happened.

I found that I could stand long enough to stagger downstairs, but the slightest movements were enough to make me feel like the oatmeal I ate a while ago would make an unwanted reappearance, so the moment I got reached the living room, I sat down

Mom walked in just a few moments after I turned the TV on

I wasn't foolish enough to think that everything between us would suddenly resemble those mother-daughter relationships that always seemed so ideal. There were so many years of prolonged silence that separated us, but the awkwardness, I suspected, was more a product of the two of us still feeling our way around each other, trying to figure out how to act like normal mothers and daughters when we've been doing exactly the opposite of that for years now. "So," she said, folding her hands on her lap and turning to me"Bellamy"

I cringed almost automatically even though there were no longer signs of contempt in the way she said his name. Perhaps the fact that he introduced me to his mother had changed the way she saw him, or maybe it was just a side effect of making up with me. "He's not that bad," I told her. "I swear. He's..."

I trailed off, picking at the hem of my oversized shirt.

Almost as if on cue, the doorbell rang. Mom was about to stand up, but I beat her to it. I had a feeling I knew who it would be.

Sure enough, I opened the door to the sight of Bellamy standing on our porch, both hands shoved deep in his pockets.

I ignored the way my heart seemed to skip a beat when our eyes met. "Why am I not surprised?" I asked him.

Judging from the smirk on his face, I could tell he was about to say something else entirely, but it faded into a slight frown when he got a better look at me. "Are you sick?" The unmistakable note of concern laced in his voice successfully made me feel all fluttery inside. Almost automatically, he lifted his hand to press it against my forehead. "Holy shit, you're burning." I swatted his hand away. "What are you doing here?" "Wow Clarkey I missed you so much too." "You mean you missed your car." His shoulders lifted in a lazy shrug as his lips tugged into a slow smile. "Busted." I did my best to ignore his grin "How'd you get here?" I asked him eyeing his injured foot. "Are you sure you should even be walking?" He lifted his foot a bit, slipping it out of his flip flops to examine it. "I'm not putting any pressure on it. It hurts like a bitch." He looked up from it the same time I did. "I think it's still having menstrual cramps." I gave him an unimpressed stare. "Are ever going to let that go?" "Nope," he replied, an easy smile spreading across his face. "And I got here because of them." He hitched a thumb over his shoulder and I craned my neck to see Warren and Lexa getting out of the van that was parked right behind Bellamys. My face broke into a grin of my own as my eyes locked with Lexas "Wait,"Bellamy said, moving so that he was blocking her from view. "She gets a big grin the moment you see her and all I get is a snarky question in Squidward's voice?" Ignoring this, I pushed past him to get a better view of Lexa and Warren walking closer to the porch.

I was aware of how rude I was being but I couldn't help it

I was too aware of my feelings for him, and no matter how stupid it sounded, I was afraid to drop the act; terrified of the possibility that he might see right through me.

I'd just thrown my arms around Lexa when my mom suddenly emerged from the front door.

The smile on Bellamys face immediately faded as he straightened up. "Good afternoon, Mrs. Griffin. I'm-" "Bellamy right?" she said. Her eyes flicked to mine for a moment and I stared at her, wondering what she would do, hoping she wouldn't shoo him away or shoot him with a barrage of questions, but when she turned back to look at him all she said was, "Please. Call me Abby Why don't you all come in for lunch?" Bellamys eyes searched mine and I just shook my head and gave him what I hope was a look that said I'll explain later. "I would love to,"Bellamy replied, sliding his gaze back to hers, and I was surprised to hear him sound so unusually polite. "But my mom expects be to be home early. I'm really sorry." I could see my mom studying him closely and before she could start interrogating him, I cut in and introduced Warren and Lexa though Mom still remembered Lexa from when she helped me get ready to meet Isabelle

Thankfully, the house phone rang, and Mom had to go back inside. I went to grab Bellamys keys and when I came back out Lexa and Warren were already leaning against the van, leaving me and Bellamy alone on the porch. "You and your mom," he said, raising an eyebrow in a silent question. "I'll tell you later," I replied.

He nodded, shooting me a quick smile. "Okay. I'll hold you to that." Then, before I could say anything, he suddenly swooped down to plant a kiss on my cheek, effectively making me catch my breath at the sudden contact.

When he pulled away, he wrapped me in a hug. "Get well soon Squidward" "I told you so!"Raven yelled as soon as I told her that I realized I may or may not have feelings for Bellamy prompting me to put some distance between my ear and the phone "Don't make me regret telling you," I told her. "But I totally called it. You-" "I get it," I snapped, cursing myself for blushing so easily. "Will you please just get to the part where you give me advice?"

She had always been the planner (for lack of a better term) between the two of us, and despite the fact that she kept repeating the whole "I knew you like Bellamy" thing, I was glad that I had worked things out with her. Otherwise, I wouldn't have anyone to talk to about this. "For now," she said in her no-nonsense voice, "you can't tell him yet. Telling him is too big of a move for something that requires timing." "Timing?" "Yes. Timing," she echoed, and without elaborating this, she moved on. "We have to find out about this Sarah girl. We have to know where Bellamy stands with her." "Okay," I said. "Then you have to observe him real close and casually ask Lily and the others about his normal behavior with them. Compare it to the way he acts with you when you're alone." "Okay," I repeated. "And also," she said, her voice dropping into a quiet murmur, "you have to work things out with Ryder"

I knew she was going to say that. I expected it, knowing full-well that Hail didn't like loose ends, and neither did I, but I made Ryder an exception, if only because seeking closure made it final. Like doing so would fully close the door that let him in before he decided to walk out of it.

Seeking closure, to me, felt like locking that door and throwing away the key.

But I knew it had to be done, so I forced myself to say, "Okay." Just four letters strung together to form a simple word that took everything I had in me to say.

For a moment, she didn't speak, then, hesitantly, she said, "Clarke?" "Mmm?" "Are you sure you're not using Bellamy as a rebound?" I anticipated this question too, but I still found myself fumbling for a reply. I turned on my side and curled up, my eyes landing on the case of the All Time Low album perched atop my bedside drawer. "When I'm with him," I told her, closing my eyes and trying to stay as honest as possible, "it's like I don't even remember who Ryder is." "But?" I opened my eyes, not entirely surprised that she knew I still had something to say. "I don't know. When I see Ryder... I know I'm not completely over him yet. Is that bad?" First, silence. Then, "No," she said, "just sad." "For whom?" "The three of you."  
I knew she was right

I had to talk to Ryder I had to close that door and tie all those loose ends. I couldn't act on my feelings for Bellamy until I was sure I wasn't just setting him, or me, or even Ryder for more heartbreak. The last thing I wanted to do was trip on untied shoelaces just when I'd settled into a comfortable pace.

As soon as I hung up, my phone rang with another call. Seeing his name made me feel both wary and excited and I had to struggle to keep my voice calm before picking it up. "You know," I said in lieu of a hello, "Spongebob usually waits another day before bothering Squidward again." "I'd been trying to call you for the past hour." "Oh. I was on the phone with Raven" I told him. "What's up?" "I just wanted to check up on you. How are you feeling?" I closed my eyes, pressing the phone closer to my ear, as if that would bring him closer as well. "I'm feeling better." "Good." I didn't have anything to say to that, so I kept my mouth shut. There was a rustle, then I heard him take a deep breath. "So." I raised an eyebrow. "So." "You and your mom." If he found it surprising for me to have made up with Mom, he didn't show it. He kept his voice neutral, asking without asking in a way that made me feel like he would have been okay with whether or not I answered, and it was exactly this that compelled me to talk to him, so I did.

I told him about what happened this morning, and when I was done, he told me he was glad Mom and I were back in good terms.

I expected him to say goodbye, then, but he didn't, and for a prolonged moment of silence, we just stayed on the line, listening to each other's subtle breathing.

When I thought the silence had grown long enough, I cleared my throat. "Bellamy?" "Yeah?" "Is there something else you want to say?" I wasn't sure what I expected when I asked him that, but it definitely hadn't been the words, "Question game." It seemed like only yesterday Bellamy and I had barely known each other, and now he knew me more than anybody else, and it was all because of this "game" he'd thought up when I ran away that night

It seemed like only yesterday Bellamy and I had barely known each other, and now he knew me more than anybody else, and it was all because of this "game" he'd thought up when I ran away that night. I'd already used up four of my questions and this one was going to be his fourth as well, and for some reason, I felt weirdly nervous.

Perhaps it was because I was more conscious of him now, or because I heard the hesitation in his voice as well. Whichever it was, it made me feel uneasy.

I swallowed, forcing out an "Okay." There was a moment of silence as I waited for him to speak again, making me grow even more anxious, and I had to focus on the blinking colon on my digital clock just so my thoughts wouldn't run wild.

There was a rustle, then, softly, he said, "What happens after this?" My throat went dry. "This?" "The whole fake relationship thing," he replied. His voice was calm and even, making it hard for me to imagine the expression on his face. "What happens after?" "Other than Lexa and Lily castrating you?" I asked him in a futile attempt to delay having to answer.

He didn't even force a laugh.

I realized for the first time how fragile this thing between us was, and it felt as if my answer could break it to pieces. Why did he ask this, of all questions? Was he planning to end the whole deal soon?

My heart dropped to my stomach at the thought.

Taking a deep breath, I said, "If it was totally up to me, I don't want to go back to being strangers." He let out an audible sigh. "You scared me for a second there." "You think I don't want to remain friends after this?" I asked him, surprised. "Well," he huffed, "you're not exactly the most affectionate person." Even though he couldn't see me, I still found myself fighting back a smile. "Shut up." At this, he laughed. "See? 'Shut up'? I'm really feeling the love here, Squidward." "Well, Spongebob, you're annoying." He laughed, and even over the phone, the sound managed send shivers down my spine. "You do know," he said, "that deep inside, Squidward actually loves Spongebob, right?" I froze, my hands tightening around my phone

 

If the way he said it was any indication, it was nothing but a joke, and he seemed completely unaware of the effect his words had on me.

When I replied, my voice was barely above a whisper. "Does Spongebob know that?" "Of course." No, I thought. No, he doesn't.


	28. Chapter 28

One of things I never thought I'd ever live to see was Bellamy Blake in a bad mood, but that Monday morning, I became a firsthand witness of his moodiness

At lunch everyone much to his annoyance marveled at Bellamys sullen aura

Bellamy had always been calm and collected at least when he was around other people, and seeing him get pissed off over the littlest things-like Justin spilling his drink on him-was a spectacle for all of us   
When Bella stood up to change his drenched shirt, Dan offered to help him, but he refused and walked (or more accurately limped) away "Well he's in a mood"Lexa observed when he was no longer in sight

I couldn't really blame him. Like me Lexa had refused to let him drive with an injured foot, so she refused to give him his car keys This inevitably led to me having to pick him up for school, something he wasn't quite happy about "I'd be in a bad mood if I were him too" Dan said "I'm sure you would be if you couldn't even kiss your girlfriend"Lexa added smirking as she slid her eyes to me.

At the mention of this, I flushed. "It's not my fault I'm carrying around a virus." Unlike usual, when Bellamy leaned down for a quick kiss after first period this morning, I placed a hand on his chest and pushed him slightly my heart racing so hard I was sure it was going to jump out of my chest "What's wrong?"he asked me

I shook my head"I'm sick remember? You might catch the virus"

He stared hard at me for at least three seconds before saying"Okay " and settling for a kiss on my forehead instead

We hadn't kissed (on the lips) at all today and I was thankful for the fact that while my fever had gone down I hadn't yet fully recovered It gave me a pretty good excuse to avoid kissing him

Perhaps I was simply overthinking things, but somehow I knew that once he kissed me, he'd find out about my feelings for him, and I couldn't risk that. Not until I was sure where things stood between us. "Guess we'll just have to deal with this Grumpy Bellamy until Clarke recovers," Warren muttered. "I actually like Grumpy Bellamy"Lexa said, picking up a handful of Warren's fries. "He seems so mysterious and... brooding."

 

"What do you think will cheer him up?" I suddenly blurted out.

I wanted to take the words back as soon as I said them, not just because it resulted to Lexa and Lily squealing and gushing about me being a "caring girlfriend," but also because it was embarrassing to let them know that I did care

From beside me, I felt Raven nudging me with her elbow, and when I turned to her, she was waggling her eyebrows at me. "I can feel the love"

I flushed"I'm not-" From the other end of the table, Rev suddenly spoke up, "I think I know something that can cheer him up"

Rev wasn't kidding when he said that Bellamy loved frozen yogurt

When I made a turn to take the long way home Bellamy eyed me suspiciously but didn't comment Rev and the rest suggested that I should surprise him with an unexpected trip to Snowflake I couldn't help but think back to the time he brought me here so we could talk about how we were going to do this whole fake dating thing, and I realized we'd gone a long way from there

Back then, I couldn't wait to get away from Bellamy and if anybody had told me that I was going to end up liking Bellamy I would have sent them to the mental hospital

When I parked in front of Snowflake Bellamy slowly looked out the window

I turned the engine off, watching him expectantly, and was unexpectedly rewarded with a big, child-like grin

His sudden cheerfulness caught me off guard, and before I could react he was already out the car slamming the door shut behind him.

If the way he tugged at me just so we could go in was any indication he was definitelyfeeling better.

He ordered the same thing he did last time, choosing blueberry and raspberry toppings, and when he asked for mine, I just shook my head. "I'm still sick, remember?" He looked at me for a long while and I nearly ran back to the car to hide from his scrutinizing gaze. I looked away and once again started singing nursery rhymes to distract myself

Needless to say, it wasn't working. And all I managed to do was imagine Bellamy as a little fucking teapot

I saw his lips twitch as he peered at me. "So, you drove all the way here... for me?"

Flustered, I ignored him and left to sit at one of the booths, and even without turning around, I knew he was grinning. "So tell me," he said as soon as he slid into the seat across me, "have you finished writing your piece for that writing contest?" "I hadn't even thought of anything to write," I replied, surprised that he hadn't forgotten about it yet. "The deadline's set Friday next week." Something about the last three words I just said made him purse his lips together. "What?" I asked him. "Friday next week," he said, looking down at his cup. "Remember when I told you Dad was coming home?" I took in a sharp breath.

He looked up to give me a worn smile. "I think Mom's really stressing over it." The smile was nothing but sad, and somehow, the sight of it made my heart clench. At that moment, I would have given him all the frozen yogurt in the world just so I wouldn't have to look at it ever again. I didn't know what to say, so I just looked out the clear glass, staring at the street outside as the cars continued to pass and the rest of the world continued to move. "Sorry," he suddenly said. "I didn't mean to kill the mood." My eyes snapped to his. "How many times do I have to tell you that you can talk to me too?" His smile shifted into something that resembled his usual Bellamy Blake smile, but his eyes gave him away "Can we just... not talk about depressing stuff for a while?" "Aw, shucks. And here I thought we could talk about the How I Met Your Mother finale," I said. "I guess not." Finally, he grinned and feeling like I earned it, I grinned right back. "That is some pretty depressing stuff," he agreed. "Well, I've come to terms with it," I told him. "Actually, it's technically a really good ending. In fact, it's a great ending. The only thing that makes it seem like a bad ending is because it's not what everyone wants." He raised an eyebrow at me. "Really." "Seriously," I said, "It portrays real life in a way that most stories don't. It shows how it doesn't always end the way we expect it to." He raised an eyebrow at this. "Well, thanks a lot for this depressing analysis of life."

I cringed. "I really suck at cheering people up, don't I?" "Yup," he replied, and before I could call him out for being ungrateful, he sent me an amused smile"But it's working." --- Rarely did I ever talk about my life before my father's death. Not even to Ryder

Back then, talking about the past made me feel like I was acknowledging my dad's death, and I couldn't handle that. I was convinced I needed to focus on the present and the future because it was easier to pretend that the past had never even existed.

With Bellamy it was different

The night I told him about Dad and he told me about his sister something had shifted between us

Before that I never would have openly talked about my father afraid that doing so would only make me weak but I was wrong

Bellamy might have been right when he said I didn't like getting into terms with my feelings, because for a long time, I'd run away from the past, and only when I found myself talking to Bellamy about my childhood, seated in the comfortable booth at Snowflake, did I realize that the only way to really move on is to face the past.

So we stayed long after he finished his yogurt, unaware of how quickly time had flown by, and by the time we decided to leave, it was already well past dinnertime.

He was in the middle of telling me the story of the time Octavia had accidentally given him a black eye as we pushed past the glass door of Snowflake, and I couldn't help but notice the way his eyes lit up as he talked, his hands making animated gestures as he relived the past through his words. "So I was standing there, about to open the door, and all of a sudden, it flew open," he was telling me, "and the doorknob hit me right in the eye. I started crying in front of everyone." He shook his head, but the smile didn't leave his face. "God, it was so embarrassing." I watched him, unable to keep myself from smiling as well.

I wasn't sure how long we'd stayed there when we decided to leave. He was still limping and I deliberately slowed down to match his pace when we walked across the parking lot  
I tried to drink in the simplicity of the moment; to revel in the thought that I'd successfully cheered him up, and it was weirdly satisfying. Perhaps it made me feel like he was relying on me, too; that he trusted me just as much as I trusted him and to me, that was more than enough.

I was about to unlock the driver's side door when he suddenly said "Thanks for bringing me here"

He was standing on the other side of the car, poised in front of the passenger side, but despite the distance and the chunk of metal separating us, I felt as though we were standing way too close to each other. "It's the least I could do," I told him, dropping my eyes to the keys in my hand. "Take it as my thanks for the midnight picnic." "Are you free on Saturday?" I flushed, my eyes involuntarily snapping to his. "What?" I expected him to be amused with my incredibly coherent reply, but I was surprised to find him rubbing the spot behind his neck, the reddening of his cheeks visible from the light spilling out of Snowflake. "Plans," he repeated. "Saturday. There's this new cupcake shop that opened two towns over and I thought maybe we could... well, you know. Hang out?" Something fluttered in my chest, sending tingles all over my body.

Was he asking me out on a date? The thought made me giddy and I had to bite on my lower lip to keep myself from smiling.

I was just about to say yes, when a sudden thought nagged at me, and instead I let out a curse. All the fluttery feelings evaporated in an instant, and I found myself giving him an apologetic look. "I have to go to the museum with Ryder"

His brows creased together. "Ryder?" "It's for a project." "Oh." He contemplated on this for a while, and his silence compelled me to explain the whole thing to him, including Mr. Callahan's stupid buddy rule. "Will you be okay?" he asked me.

I looked away. "Of course." I had to be. "But you'll be free on Sunday, right?" I peered up at him. "I think." "Good. We're going to have a cookout at Lily's," he replied. "Some barbecue and a variety of unhealthy food. We usually sleep over and they'll probably force you to come. You'll come, right?"

I peered up at him. "I think." "Good. We're going to have a cookout at Lily's," he replied. "Some barbecue and a variety of unhealthy food. We usually sleep over and they'll probably force you to come. You'll come, right?" I smiled. "You had me at unhealthy food." "You know"-he folded his hands over the roof of my car and rested his chin on them-"you've changed a lot. You smile more often lately. Should I be worried?" Immediately after hearing the last part, I scowled, prompting him to laugh. "Aaand you're back to normal," he said. "A shame, really. I like it when you smile." I stared at him, trying to figure out if it was nothing but a simple compliment, or if it was something more.

If he wasn't so confusing, I would have probably told him about my real feelings already. I wanted to believe in the possibility that he liked me too; that he would admit it once I tell him my feelings, but the truth was that I didn't know that.

For all I knew, he might just see me as a friend. He'd told me one too many times that I was one of his closest friends, and I literally had no idea how to read him when it came to these kinds of feelings, and before I could stop myself, I said, "Question game." His eyebrows creased, and for a moment he just eyed me. I didn't look away until he gave me a hesitant nod. "That Catching Juliet mix in your car," I began, studying him to gauge his reaction, "was it for Sarah?" Immediately after hearing the question, he looked away.

I dared him to say pass, because it was Sarah we were talking about, and I knew he didn't like talking about her. The thought made my stomach clench, thinking about how he was still greatly affected by her, but I knew I couldn't blame him for that; not when it was the same for me with Ryder "Yeah," he replied. Taking a deep breath, he continued, "Sarah loves Romeo and Juliet. She once played as Juliet in this summer art camp in middle school. It was the first time I met her." "I think Romeo and Juliet sucks," I said bluntly, ignoring the way my insides seem to twist upon hearing him murmur her name like it was blessing of sorts

He raised an eyebrow at this looking surprised and vaguely amused

"I mean," I continued, "they practically wanted to suck each other's faces off the moment they saw each other. Doesn't seem romantic at all to me. And didn't Romeo have a girlfriend or something?" He was looking at me with curious eyes and I looked away indignantly, feeling as if I was over-stepping the line here. I was, after all, dissing his ex-girlfriend's favorite play. "It's not exactly a romantic play though. It's a tragedy." I couldn't help but scrunch my face in disgust. "More like a comedy. It's fucking stupid." "You don't think it's romantic? The whole 'I'd rather die than live without you thing'?" I couldn't tell if he was amused or surprised or confused. He just kept staring at me with his eyebrows pulled together. "What's romantic about it?" I asked him. "Let's say they didn't die at that pathetic excuse of an ending. Let's say Romeo and Juliet got to grow old together." "Okay," he said, "I'm listening." "What if twenty years in the future, Romeo got sick and died?" I kept my eyes locked with his. "What will Juliet do? Will she kill herself because he's dead?" I could tell he was considering this thought, an unreadable expression on his face. "If there's one thing I know for sure, it's the fact that The End is never the end," I added. "If Romeo didn't die in that last act, he would have in another, and the same goes with Juliet." He continued to look at me for a few more beats, letting the words hang in the air in silence. I waited for a reaction of sorts, feeling increasingly embarrassed for getting so hyped up over a play as the seconds ticked by in silence.

He shifted, a slow smile spreading across his face. "You know, you actually have a point." I swallowed. "You think so?" He grinned. "Yeah." It was stupid, I knew, but it felt as thought he was choosing me over Sarah by agreeing, and maybe that was a ridiculous thought, but there was nothing I could do to stop the grin that spread across my face. --- After dropping Bellamy off and saying a quick hello to Isabelle, I headed home and was surprised to find my mom waiting for me in the living room

 

The moment I walked in, she put the folder she was studying on the glass table and looked up at me with a smile. "Hey." I was still getting used to this new dynamic of our relationship, so I found myself slowing down a little as I walked closer to the couch. "Hey" "Have you eaten?" she asked me as she stood up. When I shook my head, the smile on her face widened. "Oh, good. I cooked dinner." To say I was surprised would have been an understatement. Not only had her smile been jarring, but the thought of her actually cooking for the two of us to have dinner together was nearly enough to make me choke up.

Before I could even respond, she was turning to go to the dining room. I followed suit and helped her set up, and the nostalgia was so overwhelming I had to suppress the urge to cry.

At first we ate in silence, but something about her posture-rigid and stiff-let me know that something was up.

Sure enough, just as we began to clean the table, she stopped and turned to me completely. "I was thinking," she began, her voice edged with nerves, "of inviting Norman over for dinner. Would that be okay with you?" I blinked as I processed this information, letting it sink in before reacting. I cleared my throat and said, "Okay." She visibly sagged in relief, looking as if the whole exchange had exhausted her. "Oh, thank heavens." I bit my lower lip. "When? I'll make sure to stay out of your way." "Oh. No." The nervous energy was back again. "I actually-um-I'd like you to meet him." I was just about to (violently) refuse, almost instinctively, but I caught myself. I thought back to the conversation I had with Bellamy earlier, about Romeo dying and Juliet being pathetic, and only then did it hit me that my mother was only doing her best to live a life without Dad.

And now that I thought about it, I realized I hadn't been giving her enough credit. "You can invite Bellamy" she added hurriedly, "if you want." I looked at her and swallowed hard before saying, "Okay. When is it?" She let out a sigh of relief. "I haven't asked him yet. I wanted to make sure you were okay with it"

"Oh." For a long time, I didn't think my opinion would have mattered to her, and knowing that it did felt nice. I looked down, trying to blink back some of the moisture in my eyes, and said, "Okay." She let out a breath. "Thank you." I nodded, taking in the grateful expression on her face, committing it to memory, before leaving to put the plates in the dishwasher

I hadn't seen it before, too blind with my own rage and anger, but now the image was crystal clear.

My mom hadn't given up on living when her Romeo died. And perhaps it should be the same for being dumped.

I was strong enough to live a life without Ryder I knew this now. I may not have moved on completely yet, but I was getting there, bit by bit.

All I had to do was tie the loose ends together; close the door and find another one. I had to know why he broke up with me, to understand what went wrong, so I could accept the truth that we were over for good.

The moment I climbed up to my room, I walked over to the photo of Ryder and me on the bedside drawer. I picked the frame up, trying to remember the way I felt when it was taken.

I smiled at the memory. It was like I could still feel the slightly uncomfortable dress I'd been wearing. I had been afraid of what Ryder thought about it, convinced that I was somehow going to mess the night up one way or another, but my worries melted away the moment he took my hand in his.

Now, I looked at the photo and tried to remember everything that had gone right, and even those that hadn't

Then I flipped the frame over

For a second, my hands refused to move, but I took a deep breath and cleared my thoughts

I slipped the lock off and opened the back of the frame. With slightly trembling hands I finally, finally, took the picture out


	29. Chapter 29

Of course, that didn't mean that Ryder was completely out of the picture now.

The moment I pulled into the parking lot in front of the museum, I saw him standing by a pillar in front of the run-down marble structure. He didn't seem to notice me arrive, too busy fiddling with a camera, and from where I was sitting inside the car, I found myself studying him.

I let myself look at him, realizing that despite the fact that I'd seen him every day at school, I hadn't really been looking at him at all, and now that I did, it was like I was seeing him for the first time in a long time.

He was still the same Ryder that I had fallen in love with two years ago, the same Ryder I met back in grade school, the same person who picked me up and help me get through the first few months after my father's death, and yet it felt as though everything had changed.

I looked away, forcing myself to take deep breaths to calm myself.

He looked up when he saw me walking towards him. I couldn't quite look him in the eye so my gaze landed on his dark grey tee, which made him stand out in stark contrast with the off-white walls of the museum. He lowered the camera and just stared at me. "Let's go," I said when the silence became too much to bear. I walked ahead of him, gripping the handle of my bag tighter than I should, my nails digging into the skin of my palm.

The museum was nearly empty, save for a handful of old people milling around, as well as a group of grade school students lining up to get the tour with their teachers. Still, there was too much space to fill, which meant that the distance between me and Ryder seemed much larger than it actually was.

We didn't speak much, save for when we worked out the details of the project and how we were going to do it, then we immediately set off to work, taking pictures and making notes first, deciding we'll do the videos after roaming around the whole museum

We worked like we were strangers; like two classmates who were simply forced to spend the day together to work on a project, and I realized that maybe we were simply just that

 

Sure, he might still be the same person I'd grown up with, but in the short time we spent apart from each other, we'd changed.

At least I did.

I wasn't surprised that we finished early. He was always efficient when it came to everything he wanted to do, like everything always went according to his plan, and briefly I wondered if dumping me had been in his plans all along.

I watched him as he packed his stuff up, never once looking my way, and I realized that we could coexist this way. We could act like the past had never happened, burying it deep where nobody could ever find it because that was the only for us to spend a day together without hurting.

And perhaps I would have left unscathed if I hadn't stepped off the museum steps the same moment a man decided to run across the sidewalk.

He hadn't seen me and I hadn't noticed him until he was already barreling into me, hitting me with such force that I lost my balance and stumbled on the ground.

Almost as if by reflex Ryder immediate crouched next to me. "Shit Clarke are you okay?" he asked me just as the man started to apologize. "I'm fine," I said, wincing when I pushed myself up to sit. "It's okay. I'm fine." When I tried to stand Ryder immediately placed a hand on my waist to assist me. I tried to remember to breathe, forcing myself to ignore the feel of his hands on me, and was thankful that the man still kept apologizing, which made it easier for either of us to ignore the way he had casually touched me. "It's fine," I told the man. "Really. I'm fine." When the man left, still apologizing profusely, I looked down to examine the damage. The thin material of my black leggings was torn, as well as the skin on my bleeding knee.

I heard Ryder hiss out a curse when he saw it, and when he dragged his eyes back to mine, he said, "Let's get that cleaned up "It's just a scratch." I took a step towards my car, suppressing the urge to grimace when I had to straighten my leg. "It won't take long," he insisted, and before I could protest, he placed one arm around my waist and held the crook of my elbow with his other hand

 

It had only been a few weeks after Dad died, and a friend of Mom got married. We were invited to the wedding and I remember tripping on my dress during the reception.

That was when he appeared right before me, asking me if I was okay as he held his hand out to me.

He helped me get back on my feet in more ways than one.

Here, now, his hands were trembling so much it was like he was afraid of touching me, and I was surprised to see that mine were too, so I clenched them into fists and held them to my lap.

Slowly, he placed one hand on the side of knee, careful not to touch the wounded area and tingles spread from my leg to the rest of my body, responding to the familiarity of his skin on mine. "This might sting a bit," he said before pressing the cotton against the bleeding wound.

I flinched a little at the sharp sting of alcohol and he quickly removed the cotton. "Sorry" "No," I said. "It was just a reflex." He looked back at the wound and gently resumed wiping the blood away. "I'm sorry," he said again. "It was just the alcohol." His eyes flickered to mine. "I wasn't talking about that." "Oh." Neither of us said anything as he finished cleaning the wound, using three more cotton balls until the blood started to clot. I expected him to stand up and leave, then, but he didn't, and I wasn't sure what to say, so I just sat there and waited.

After what felt like forever, he said, "Are you happy with him?" I looked at him, but he wasn't looking at me so I didn't have any idea what the expression on his face was.

The question had taken me by surprise, not only because I didn't expect him to say anything at all, but also because it was the first time I heard him refer to Bellamy without hearing traces of his hatred for him.

I took a deep breath, pursing my lips together as I stared at my clenched fists. "Yes," I sad, pushing past the lump in my throat. "I am." He nodded first before saying, "Good." There was a tear in his voice, a crack, a slight falter that made goosebumps spread at the back of my neck.

Keeping my eyes lowered, I said, "What about you? Is-is there someone new?" His eyes found mine as he shook his head

 

I knew this was my chance to tie those loose ends together, to resolve things between us so that I could finally walk away knowing I didn't leave part of myself behind with him.

And as much as the thought scared me, I knew I had to do this.

Softly, I asked him question I'd been meaning to ask every since he said the words Let's break up. "What went wrong Ryder?" I could no longer muster any feelings of anger or hate, as if I've used all those up for the past few weeks, and there was nothing left but this sadness; a feeling that sat in the gap that opened the moment he walked away with my heart.

He looked at me through his lashes and I felt my hands begin to shake again. With a sigh, he looked down and rubbed his face with both of his hands before burying his fingers in his hair. When he lowered his hands, he lifted his eyes back to mine. "It wasn't you." I pursed my lips, searching his face for any sign that he was lying. When I didn't find any, I looked away, dropping my gaze back to my lap. "I like him Ryder"

He took in a sharp breath. "And I need to know why we're over," I continued, trying to force out the words. My voice quivered, but I could hardly make myself care. "I deserve at least that Ryder because this is fucking killing me." "I'm sorry," he said, shaking his head and biting down on his lower lip. "Ryder" I tried, willing my voice to sound firm. "Please." He didn't say anything. "Please." "I can't." "Why not?" I cried. "Telling you will change everything," he snapped. He looked up at me, his eyes mirroring the desperation in his words. Then, softer, he said, "And I'm afraid of that." His words were like blades slicing through my skin, ripping at my flesh, and I couldn't do anything but look at him. "Fuck," I heard him say as he dropped his gaze and stood up. He lifted a hand to his face, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand before pinching the bridge of his nose.

I couldn't take it anymore as my own tears started to blur my vision. With the heel of my hands, I wiped at them and willed them to stop falling, but they refused to stop

 

They kept coming, like these tidal wave of emotions surging through me, tightening my chest as I felt them all, rising over me before drowning me, again and again and again and I wondered what pain was, if it wasn't this, because I felt as if everything was ripping me apart all at once, all at once, all at fucking once. "I'm sorry," he said again, and the desperation in his voice made lodged its way into the wall I'd put up to ward him off, until it cracked and fell and everything I'd ever felt for Ryder smith began to spill out the box I'd buried deep within the crevice of my soul. "I'm sorry." He meant it, I knew he did, and all I could do was choke out an, "Okay." I took one last look at him, feeling my lower lip tremble as I forced out another, "Okay." He nodded, pursing his lips, then he turned to leave without so much as another glance at me.

It felt like saying goodbye without saying goodbye, and I realized, as his car pulled out of the parking lot and the screech of the tires faded in the vastness of the distance between us, that these goodbyes were the most painful ones

I was a mess and there was nothing I could do but drive back home, almost only half-conscious of the whole ride, thinking back to the moment his voice cracked and his tears fell, and I felt like somebody was stabbing me because all the pain, all the longing, all the words still left unsaid were creeping all over my system.

Ryder hardly ever cried and seeing him break down nearly made me want to hold on because clearly, there was something I was missing here.

But he himself had no intentions of telling me, and the desperation in his voice when he asked me to let him go made it difficult to ignore his plea.

I felt oddly detached about everything.

I realized that the hardest part of letting go is having to watch something get carried away by the wind. You hold it in your grasp, knowing it's the last time you ever will, and you open your hand and watch it leave without the slightest idea as to where it might land

 

When I got home, it was the first time I felt truly glad that Mom wasn't home. I climbed up to my room and dove under the covers of my bed, not bothering to even change out of my clothes.

I knew my room still held traces of Ryder and like the marks he'd left in my heart, there was no way I could ever truly erase them.

There was an imprint of his figure sitting on the floor and echoes of his laughter in the air. They were never going to go away.

It wasn't even that I wanted to get him back. Not anymore. What I felt was a different kind of ache that was brought by the thought of losing something that had been a vital part of your life; like outgrowing your favorite blanket, and you know you can't keep it anymore, but you can't let it go. You can't.

But I should. I had to.

My phone rang and I dug it out of my bag. I swallowed, trying to compose myself, as I answered the call. "Hey Clarke Just calling to remind you about tomorrow." The sound of his voice-familiar and normal and safe-did nothing to calm me. "You're still going, right?" "Yes," I said.

There was a pause, and then, he said, "Are you crying?" As soon as he said the words, I couldn't help but feel the tears spilling over. I hung up without answering, feeling too much, thinking too much, hurting too much.

I closed my eyes and promised myself that this was going to be the last time I would ever cry over Ryder and what we'd lost; that this would be the last time I would ever wonder how things would have been if things hadn't changed between us.

I promised it, my mind doing its best to engrave the words into my skull.

So I let it out. I let it all out and made up my mind to let him go too

When I woke up, my room was already plunged in darkness

I shifted to get some feeling back into my muscles one hand automatically reaching up to the skin around my eyes They were swollen rubbed raw from crying for so long and I didn't even want to see how puffy they probably are

 

I thought sleeping would make me feel better, but the moment I recalled the way things had gone with Ryder I knew it was foolish of me to think so.

The darkness of the room made it hard to make out the things around me, so when I felt something shift beside me, I couldn't help but let out a small shriek.

I jolted away and reached for the clock on the bedside drawer. I drew my arm back, ready to throw it to the intruder, but before I could, he quickly jumped to his feet. "Hey-hey, it's me!" I blinked, feeling the blood pounding against my ears, as I finally realized who it was.

Bellamy was eyeing the clock I was holding, putting up his hands in the universal sign of surrender, and I slowly lowered my weapon.

I inched back a little, pulling the covers protectively around me. "How did you get in here?" He straightened, letting his hands drop to his side, before walking closer to sit on the edge of the bed. The mattress sunk with his weight and even though there was a considerable distance between us, I couldn't help but feel as though it wasn't enough. "I found the spare key," he replied before raising an eyebrow at me. "I mean, under the mat Clarke? Really?" I blushed, a feeling of defensiveness quickly rising. "That's where we've been putting it for the last seventeen years," I said, "and we haven't really been robbed or anything." "Still," he said. "You might want to think of relocating it." I tilted my head to the side, narrowing my eyes at him. "Did you really come here to give me a lecture on hiding spare keys?" "No," he replied with a slight huff, "but I'm just saying. For someone who hates letting people in, you can be really careless." His words shut me up.

Whether it was because of the double meaning in his words or the serious expression on his face, I didn't know. The two of us stared at each other for the longest time, waiting for the other to say something because we both knew why he was here.

I anticipated his question, but it never came, and in the end, it was I who said, "Why did you come?" I kept my eyes focused on the light green blanket I was using, but I could feel his intent gaze on me

 

"You burst into tears over the phone," he said, "then you hung up without even saying goodbye." Biting my lower lip, I shook my head and turned away. "I'm fine Bellamy" "No," he said, prompting me to take in a sharp breath. He leaned closer to where I was seated. "No, you're not." He paused. It took me a while to figure out that he was waiting for me to deny it, and when I didn't, he continued. "You came home after spending the day with Ryder and all of a sudden you're wallowing up in misery in your bed. This doesn't exactly spell out 'fine.'" "You didn't have to come and break in when-" "You sounded upset." His voice rose a little as he drilled his eyes into mine. "For all I knew, you could have been anywhere doing something stupid." My eyes snapped to his. "I'm not that weak." Not anymore. "I know that," he said, not once looking away from my eyes, "but what else was I supposed to do?" I had no answer to that, so I settled with keeping my mouth shut despite the expectant look on his face.

When it was clear I wasn't going to say anything, he let out a sigh "I've seen you break down because of Ryder before Clarke and I know you're not the same girl you were then, but you can't blame me for worrying"

I let the words hang in the air for a while, and I took them in, recognizing the genuine concern in his voice.

After a few beats, I finally unclenched my fists and let my shoulders slump. "I'm sorry," I said, wrenching my gaze away from the sheets to look him in the eye. "For making you worry." "You better be," he said, and when I heard the slightest trace of humor in his words, I knew he had already forgiven me. He shifted closer to me, tucking a stray lock of hair behind my ears. His thumb grazed my cheek as he did so, and then he traced it across the skin under my eyes.

For a moment, I held my breath, feeling myself freeze at the warmth of his almost non-existent touch, and I couldn't do anything but stare at his blue eyes, transfixed.

Of course that was the moment he chose to say, "Well, you look like shit." I laughed, swatting his hand away. "And I thought I sucked at cheering people up."

"What can I say?" he shrugged. "I pride myself in being honest." My hand instinctively reached up to fix my hair. "Do I really look that bad?" At this, his eyes softened, the smile disappearing to reveal his worry. "You look like you'd been crying for hours," he murmured softly, "and that makes me feel like crap." I inhaled sharply.

If I had been unsure before, there was no doubt about it now, right here as our gazes locked and once again, I was trapped under a spell that only he could cast.

This heart, battered and bruised and torn to pieces, was beating for Bellamy Blake

For the longest time Ryder had held it, keeping it even after we had broken up, and while I was sure that he still held part of it, the rest had found its way back to me, and something that had been lifeless for so long suddenly came to life again, a faint thump-thump that reminded me of my feelings for Bellamy

Nearly breathless, I said, "Thank you." He grinned, easy and comforting and so very him.

We sat in silence for a few minutes and I could feel him watching me warily, making me wonder if I should say something or wait for him to initiate the conversation

When I couldn't take it anymore, I finally forced myself to look up at him. "Aren't you going to ask me what happened?" He caught my gaze. "Do you want me to?" There was a thoughtful expression on his face, one that told me he would have been okay whether or not I decided to tell him. "Do you want to know?" "You don't have to tell me what exactly happened," he replied. "But..." "Yeah?" "You've been acting weird lately," he said.

He wasn't looking at me, but there was something in his voice that was tugging at me.

It was true, of course.

I'd been doing my best to avoid being alone with him at school, if only because I was afraid he'd notice my feelings. I hung out with the girls more and enlisted Ravens help to keep me company whenever I had to face Bellamy When she wasn't there, I did my best to come up with excuses to leave.

There was a note of hesitation in his voice when he said, "Does it... does it have something to do with him?" Immediately, I shook my head. "It doesn't?"

I swallowed past the lump in my throat. "Yeah." He averted his eyes again. "Then what was it about?" He sounded like he genuinely didn't have an idea; and I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or grateful that he hadn't noticed my feelings yet. "It has nothing to do with him," I told him. "Nothing at all." He looked like he was about to press me for more details. I anticipated a question, but all he said was, "Oh." I was on the verge of pulling all my hair out because that "Oh" seemed too simple of an answer. Was it an "Oh, okay, good for you" or "Oh, that's good" or "Oh my god, that's fantastic!" or just an "O-fucking-H"? Tell me Bellamy I thought, what are you thinking of? "Question game." My eyes snapped to his. I hadn't expected it at all, but there was a serious expression on his face, and there was nothing I could do but force myself to nod. "Okay." He seemed to have reconsidered for a moment. He stared at me, his jaw clenching and unclenching, and I was suddenly afraid of what he could possibly want to know.

After a long stretch of silence, he finally said, "If he asked you to take him back"-he lifted his eyes to mine-"would you?" With a bitter laugh, I turned away. "I don't think I have to worry about that." He looked at me, waiting for me to elaborate, and when I didn't, he said, "Clarke" He paused, looking almost reluctant to continue, but he did anyway. "What happened earlier?" His words were careful and deliberate, like he was setting something heavy on a glass table, and he was afraid the weight might break it. "Well, he didn't ask for us to get back together." I bit down on my lower lip, and with a shake of my head, I said, "He asked for the exact goddamn opposite." "Shit." He reached for my hand, instinctively moving closer to me. "Are you okay? I mean, fuck, never mind. That was a stupid question. I mean, is this the moment I should whip up a bunch of chick flicks and a tub of ice cream or should I-um-I should probably-" "Bellamy" I said, cutting of his panicked rambling. "I'm fine." He didn't seem to buy the idea. He opened his mouth to protest but I immediately cut in

 

"And you're here," I told him. "You're here, and that's a lot better than a chick flick." Peering up at me, he said, "Even if it's your favorite chick flick?" I rolled my eyes in the hopes that he wouldn't notice the blush that had started to creep into my cheeks. "Yes. No... Maybe." "Then I'm glad I'm here." This warmed my heart more than I could have ever thought it would. I found myself thanking everything that led us here; everything that compelled him to offer his help because if he hadn't, I never would have gotten to know him. "I'm glad you're here, too," I told him.

He let the words hang in the air and I wondered if he knew how deep the words ran beneath surface. "What does it mean, then?" he said quietly. "You and Ryder being... over." It was there, at that moment, as I looked at Bellamy and the uncertainty tinting his blue eyes, that I felt the words tugging at me, and I knew I had to say them.

I took a deep breath, letting my instincts take over as the moment called for the inevitable. "This means," I told him, forcing myself not to look away from his blue eyes, "that we should 'break up.'" ___________________________________________________________ "Its getting late I should head home"Bellamy said while he was heading to my door   
I stared at him I didn't want him to go I wanted to go with him I don't want to be alone Not after what we said Not after What Happened I Just Can't "I'm coming with You,Your house is Just a few blocks away besides I need some fresh air"He Looked up And stared at me with a combination of surprise and amusement then he nodded his head

I trudged along the pavement at a sedate pace, my mind focused on the gentle footsteps that seemed to echo throughout the desolate street

15 minutes passed and We finally reached his home I felt someone's gaze on us when I looked up

When I Looked Up I saw her

Her hair flowed down her back her eyes god her eyes,

Her eyes sparkled like storm clouds right before lightning hit. Clouds of grey and blue threatened floods and fury while pupils dilated in passion, eyelashes catching the raindrops. She cared far too much

Her hair was a lovely whisky, the color of fallen leaves browned and sleek with the first rain of autumn. How such a tint could play with the light, like peering at the sun through a jar of pine honey.

The smile on her face Could Bring happiness to the world

When he met her gaze, he felt drawn into her eyes. The icy blueness generated a feeling like he was being pulled into a lake of frozen emotions. It was like all the myriad shades of blue swirled together to form a whirlpool of apprehension

The sadness in his eyes remind me of the days when he talked about her without looking at me he walked towards her ignoring me Like I wasn't even there in that moment All I could think about was:

In my life I have only ever fallen twice. Once with an opposite and once with a mirror. It would have been so neat for one to follow the other, but like many things in life they came close together. I can only ever be with one, give one my heart, body and soul. So though both were precious gifts, one brought joy and the other pain

To the one I give myself to, I place my all in their hands. I give them the power to save me or destroy me. With perfect love comes perfect trust and the knowledge that should my love wish me gone, I would raise no hand in defence.

His weak voice made me look at him again Whispering her name Like there was No tomorrow "Sarah?"He said and took more steps towards her And I was there standing and shaking No I can't let the tears Fall No  
I'm strong I'm strong I'm strong


	30. Chapter 30

I can tell just by the way she walks that she’s insecure; her shoulders are hunched over as if hiding the treasure inside of her Her footsteps are light and timid as she slowly approaches, watching him through skittish wide eyes. I can only imagine what might be going through her mind

She smiled And Said "Hey Bellamy"

His soft lips stretched into a smile but didn't quite reach his dark eyes. They were lit with sadness, and the forced expression of the contrary on his mouth would have looked comical to me if it didn't make my heart feel heavy. For a few moments I stared at him, almost sure his expression mirrored mine. It broke my heart. I didn't want him to leave. I didn't want to turn into a random image that floated in the pool of his memory. I didn't want to be the smile that squeezed his chest somewhere far away. I didn't want him to go. I wanted his smile to stay

He walked up to Her slowly and pulled Her closer to him wrapping his arms around Her His embrace Looked warm, and his big, strong arms seemed very protective when wrapped around Her frail body. The world around me melted away as I Watched them "Sarah You're here You're..."she gave him the saddest smile that I have ever seen

When she saw me Her smile died faster than wisps of smoke dissipated after a candle flame has been snuffed out "Hey Im sarah and You are?"I didn't want to touch her didnt want to shake her hand but I did it anyway "Im clarke" Bellamy was looking at me like he'd seen a ghost maybe he forgets that I was here and witnessed everything but again I dont have the right to be sad Right? "You two know eachother?"She asked Bellamy He looked at me "Yeah" Cleared his throat and Said "We're friends"

Heart break is a funny thing. We all know it's going to happen, yet we're never prepared for it. We underestimate it's power. It's like giving a murder a gun, and expecting not to be killed. Why are we never ready for it? Because we're in denial. We believe it won't happen. We believe the murderer will not kill us. We believe if we give him our hearts he will not crush it. Hearts shouldn't be crushed. They should be cherished and protected. I wish someone would have told you that. I wish you could've known. I wish you would have cherished and protected my heart And The funny thing is My heart was broken "I just wanted to pay you a visit its been a long time but I gotta go"she smiled and ruffled his hair just like when he used to ruffle mine   
Bellamy shook his head grabbed her arm and pulled her to his chest "Sarah you dont have to do this Ik its been a long time but it doesn't change he fact that Im still In L.."  
She pressed her finger against his lips "shhh Bellamy I Know" he looked like he was about to break again "I gotta go"she pulled him close and they shared their last hug he kissed her forehead gently and closed his eyes   
He sobbed into her chest unceasingly, hands clutching at her jacket. She held him in silence, rocking him slowly as his tearssoaked her chest

 

My eyes drip with tears. My walls, the walls that hold me up, make me strong just... collapse. Moment by moment, they fall. Salty drops fall from my chin, drenching my shirt. Perhaps these tears will help wash the blood out. I press my head against the wall... baby blue, so innocent... I am anything but innocent. I'm trembling. I can't-can't stop. Even as I press my hand against the wall it shakes, it trembles. It's raw, everything, raw tears, raw emotions. I can't stop... I can't stop. Why can I not stop crying?

She walked to me and stood in front of me smiled and said "dont cry You worth more than that"

Then she glanced at him and said "take care of him for me"I nodded and looked down didn't want her to see How weak I was   
She grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze   
And without turning her back to him she walked away and left him...and broke his heart...again   
I turned around Finding him staring at me   
I gave him a sad smile and walked away "Clarke wait..."His voice caused my body my heart my soul to shiver   
I can't its late,its Late clarke its too Late


	31. Chapter 31

I hoisted my bag higher up my shoulder, making sure that all four doors of my car were locked. Sometimes, the locks didn't exactly work as well as they should   
It was a routine I'd gotten used to in the two years I've been using my car, but now it made me feel a dull ache in my chest, reminding me I'd soon be back to driving it again to school since I won't be getting rides to school from Bellamy anymore.

I tried to dismiss my thoughts, looking up instead on the looming white house in front of me. I looked down to check the piece of paper in my hand to make sure I got the right address. I'm pretty sure I did, because I recognized Warren's van parked a few yards away.

I found myself thinking back to the night before when I told him we should "break up." He looked at me for the longest time, his face an unreadable mask before it broke into a small smile. "Oh, god Lexa and Lily are going to cut my balls." I blinked in surprise at first, unable to come up with an appropriate reaction, and though I knew he was only joking, I couldn't help the slight stab I felt at the thought of him worrying about his balls while I worried about my heart. "Your balls," I echoed flatly. "No offense," he said, his lips quirking into a small smile, "but I'm more worried about losing my balls than I am of you heartlessly dumping me, considering that I'm more... attached to them." In spite of myself, I burst out laughing at the pun. "That was terrible." "You laughed." "Still." "Anyway," he said, letting his smile fade to reveal a more serious expression, "we're calling the whole thing off." I swallowed. "Yeah." I looked away from his unreadable eyes and continued. "We only started this fake relationship because of Ryder in the first place. Now that I'm done with him, this whole thing should be too." I fought the emotions trying to claw into my voice as I verbalized my thoughts. The only thing I could manage to do was pray he'd keep his promise about us staying the same, about being friends despite the fact that we'd "break up." He placed a hand on the top of my head and ruffled my hair "Yeah. It should be."

We reached to an agreement that we better Not talk about what happened yesterday That we've met sarah and...Whatever   
I couldn't figure out what exactly he was feeling as he said these words, and I relied instead on the familiarity of this gesture to reassure myself that we were still the same people despite everything else. "So, you're really done with Ryder?" he asked when he removed his hand. "I hope so." "What do we tell everyone?" he said and from there, we tried to plan ahead.

At the end of the night, he offered to stay until Mom got home, but I shook my head and refused. I wanted to call Raven and talk to her about the "breakup" as soon as possible.

When I walked him out the door, he seemed almost reluctant to leave. "Friends?"he asked me, holding his arms out as he turned to me.

I let out a sigh of relief as I all but rushed to accept his hug, burying my face in his chest and letting his warmth envelope me. "Friends," I agreed.

When he pulled away, he looked me in the eye with a smile and before I could say something, he said, "You know, you really do smell nice." Flustered, I immediately shoved him away. "Stop being a perv"

He laughed and said goodbye, but the moment he walked away, something came over me and I found myself calling out to him.

When he turned back, I was already walking over to him. I stopped when I was close enough to stand on my tiptoes and before I could change my mind, I planted a kiss on his cheek. "Thanks for everything." He froze. I took a step back, blushing, as he brought a hand to his face, holding it to the spot I just kissed. When he recovered, he sent me another smile. "Same." "Then where's my kiss?" I said, half-hoping he'd ignore it and half-hoping he won't.

When he grinned I kind of panicked and absentmindedly looked for an escape. He stepped closer. I stood there, paralyzed, as he leaned over and brought his lips to my forehead. "There." He stepped back and did a little wave with his hand. "See you tomorrow"

I nodded not trusting my voice as one little kiss from him seemed to send me on a dizzy spell

 

I stayed outside until his car was nowhere in sight, disappearing as he turned right at the third corner.

When I went back inside, I realized I was dreading the cookout, dreading to face the reality that everything between us hadn't been real.

We planned to tell them tonight, at the cookout, so everyone would be there. We both agreed to let them know that the whole thing had been fake all along. And this, for some reason, made it hard to ring the doorbell as I stood just outside the black iron-wrought fence outside Lily's house.

Bellamy had offered to pick me up, but I told him no, so he just wrote the address down for me. I was clutching the almost crumpled paper with my hand as I pressed doorbell, hoping I got the right house.

Moments later, I spotted Warren coming from the side of the house. He ran the rest of the way to the gate when he saw me. "Hey," he said as he unlocked the gate. "Glad you made it. Where's Bellamy?" "We, uhh, we didn't go together." A look of confusion flittered across his face. "Oh." He paused but quickly recovered. "We were all worried about yesterday. Are you okay?" Surprised, my brows creased together. "How did you know about yesterday?" "Bellamy was hanging out with us when he suddenly left to see you." He smiled "Said you sounded really upset." This was news to me and the image of Bellamy suddenly dropping everything just to check up on me was enough to make my cheeks feel warmer than usual. I forced myself to recover, giving Warren an apologetic look. "Sorry," I said, "for making you worry." He nodded and finally pulled the gate open. When I stepped in, he immediately took my bag from me. "We're just glad you're okay. The girls are inside," he said, leading me to the door instead of the backyard, where I assumed he came from. "Justin, Dan and I are trying to get the stupid grill to work but it just won't. Only Bellamy can do it. I swear, that grill hates all of us except him." I laughed as we entered the house. Or mansion. Okay, it wasn't a mansion, but it might as well be. I bet our whole house could fit inside. Possibly even three of our houses

 

Everything also looked picture perfect; the way a house would look in a brochure, but not in the same way that Bellamys house had looked like. There were some family pictures hanging around and Korean decors displayed all over the place.

I tried not to gawk as Warren led me upstairs. "They're probably in the game room," he informed me as we ascended up the marble staircase. "They'd been trying to get us guys to play with them, so we immediately bolted and said we'd work on the grill instead, even though we know it's practically impossible." "Aren't guys supposed to love games?" He groaned. "Wait till you see." When we reached the "game room," he opened the door and I was greeted by a blast of music. I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow when I saw Lexa, Lily and a girl I didn't recognize dancing in front of the TV screen. "Clarke!"Lexa shouted when she spotted me. She stopped mid-wiggle, and so did Lily, and they both ran over to me to wrap me in bone-crushing hugs. They both gushed about how worried they were yesterday and I apologized profusely, reassuring them I was completely fine. "Good, because we need another player," Lily said. "How well do you dance?" I sent Warren a wary look, but he just sent me a look of pity as he slowly retreated out of the room. I looked back at Lily and fumbled for a reply. "I don't-I don't dance." So you suck at dancing?" Lexa asked me. "I have next to no physical coordination." Lexa clapped excitedly. "Perfect! Finally someone I can beat!" Warren snorted

She slid her eyes to him. "What?" Warren narrowed his eyes at the screen. "Is that you with only... one star while Lily and Nicole already have three?" Lexa huffed and flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder. "Let's see you try." "And that's my cue to leave," he said without missing a beat. "Hey, Clarke, I'll put this along with the other bags." He scrambled out of the room. "Later, girls! Have fun!" Lexa continued to shout challenges at his retreating back and only when he was no longer in sight did she stop, blowing her hair out of her face as she crossed her arms over her chest

"It's not my fault the stupid game can't tell who exactly is the best dancer in this room." Lily let out a snort and immediately evaded Lexas punch.

Turning to me, Lily said, "So, where's Bellamy?" "Not here yet," I replied.

They both exchanged puzzled looks, but before they could ask about it, the girl-Nicole, I suppose-cleared her throat. "Are we playing or not?" she called.

Lexa grabbed me by the hand. "Come on. I need someone I can beat," she said with a playful grin. "Hey, this is Nicole, Lily's younger sister. Nicole, this is Clarke, Bellamy's girlfriend." I offered Nicole a smile.

She didn't return it. "Come on," Lily said. "New song." I almost bolted out the room. Being forced to dance was one thing. Having some complete stranger send daggers at my direction was another one completely, and for some reason, I had a feeling this situation was nothing but a disaster waiting to happen "Is it just me," I said to Lexs "or is she out to get me?" She and I were sitting together in the kitchen as she pressed an ice-pack against my bruising eye.

Nicole had "accidentally" managed to sock me in the eye while we were dancing to On the Floor, and I'd already lost count of the number of times she'd stepped on my foot and elbowed my rib.

I kept convincing myself that she was just a really animated dancer who couldn't quite control where she was flinging her arms and legs, but holy fuck, it hurt like hell.

Lexa looked away uncomfortably. "I didn't think it would be this bad." I looked up at her. "What?" "She, um, kind of has a thing for Bellamy?" The words made my thoughts stop cold. I blinked, trying to process this piece of information. "I'm sorry. Did you just say she has a thing for Bellamy?" Was it just me or did Lexa just gulp? "Bellamy used to... fool around with her whenever we come over." My hands clenched into tight fists. "Fool around?" If the wary look on her face was any indication, she must have detected the venom in my voice. I tried not to let it show, but I couldn't help it. "It's nothing," she tried to assure me. "It was before he met you." "What, exactly, do you mean by 'fool around'?"

For a second, she didn't seem to want to answer, but the look I was giving her eventually convinced her to speak. "When we get down to a few beers, they, um, make out. And stuff." I reeled back in shock as the idea occurred to me.

An image of Bellamy putting an arm around her bony shoulders came to mind. I imagined her pulling him closer and kissing him until they start sucking each other's faces off and proceed cleaning the insides of each other's mouth with their tongues.

The image kept dancing at the back of my mind, burning into my memory with a clarity so sharp I had to curse myself for imagining it in the first place.

Fuck. "No wonder she hates me," I muttered as Lexa lowered the ice pack. "Sorry," Lexa said before letting out a soft whistle as she examined my eye. "Shit. This looks... real bad." Okay, fuck it. If she wasn't going to change that fucking attitude of hers, then God forbid I find a knife lying around. "I will need that guillotine." She laughed. "Sorry, I didn't bring it." "Bring what?" The voice made both of us look up. I took in a sharp breath upon seeing who it was Bellamy stood by the doorway, carrying himself with the confidence and ease of someone who knew how good-looking he was, and as much as I wanted to hate him for it, I couldn't.

The moment he saw me, however, the smug look on his face slid off. "Holy fuckeroony." Before any of us could explain why on earth I had a black eye, he already dropped his bag on the floor and walked over to where I was seated. He pulled a chair out and placed it next to me, the movement quick and almost automatic. "Let me see that." He placed both hands on my face as he tilted it to examine the bruise in different angles. "What the fuck just happened?" "It was an accident," I replied, somehow using the exact same words my new BFF had used just five minutes ago. "What, you ran into a fucking pole?" he hissed, sounding frustrated as he snatched the ice pack from Lexa "It's really nothing big," I said.

He grunted in response, gingerly placing the ice pack under my eye first. I flinched as his fingertips skimmed over my skin and he pulled away a little, catching my eye, before resuming

 

"What happened?" "We were playing Just Dance," Lexa explained, exchanging wary looks between us. "Nicole accidentally hit her." "Nicole?" He looked up at her, his brows furrowed. "Nicole who?" Dear god. "Um. Lily's sister?"Lexa prompted. "Lily has a sister?" Oh my fucking god.

Lexa and I just stared at him. He looked back at us, looking like he had absolutely no idea what we were talking about, but then his face registered recognition "Ohhhh. That girl." "That girl?" I all but screeched at him. "I'm really bad with names," he said, trying to play it cool with a nervous laugh. "You fool around with her!" Lexa cleared her throat, slowly inching towards the door, and Bellamy had the decency to look embarrassed. "I'll, uhh, leave you two alone for a while." Lexa sent me a pleading look before stepping on Bellamys foot as she stomped out of the kitchen. "You seriously don't even remember Nicole?" I asked him, unable to stop myself from wrinkling my nose in disgust. "Lexa told me you used to make out. And stuff." He tugged at his ear and refused to look me in the eye. "Well..." "This is Lily's sister we're talking about. Your friend's sister." I gave him a wide-eyed WTF stare. "And you don't even remember her?" "Why are you making a big deal out of this?" he said, busying himself with the ice pack and my eye. "Seriously. It's not like it matters." I took in a sharp breath. "I just thought you were better than that." "Maybe you thought wrong," he said quietly, not quite looking into my eyes. "Maybe I am that guy who makes out with her friend's sister and forgets she even exists." I stopped.

I'd seen the real him, and it wasn't that guy. It wasn't. I forced myself to keep my thoughts straight. Then, when I was sure I was calm enough, I said, "Do you miss it?" I cleared my throat. "Staying unattached, I mean." He removed the ice pack from my eye. "Where is this coming from?" "I don't know," I lied. "I'm just curious." "No," he replied, looking away. "No, I don't." I tried not to let my relief show. "So you won't go back to being a player now that we're done? You'll... stop making out with all those random girls?"

He looked me in the eye. "Why does it matter?" Just because it does. "It doesn't. I was just wondering." "I won't," he finally replied.

I couldn't fight the smile that made its way to my lips upon hearing this. "Poor random girls." "They are, aren't they?" I rolled my eyes. "Careful there, your shoulders might not be able to support that big head of yours." "Oh, so you think you're so witty, Miss Porn Star?" "Stop calling me that, Spongebob." "Whatever you say, Squidward." I let out an exasperated sigh. I was about to retaliate when somebody cut in with a high-pitched, "Bellyyy!" We both turned. "Belly?" I repeated, feeling like I might just throw up.

The fuckabish ignored me and continued smiling at Bellamy "You hardly come over to play anymore," she said to him, insistent on pretending that I wasn't in the room.

I was this close to ripping her head off her shoulders.

Bellamy much to my triumph, looked like he didn't know what to do. His eyes darted from me to the girl shamelessly pouting at him, and his relief was palpable when Lily strode into the kitchen. "Bellamy, we really need you to get that grill working." The guy all but sprinted away, making sure not to make any body contact with Nicole. How old was she anyway? Sixteen? "Nic, remember what I told you," Lily said, pointedly glaring at her sister.

My BFF only rolled her eyes. "Right." She sneered at me. "Girlfriend." I took a deep calming breath, glaring right back at her before turning away. If I didn't like Lily so much, this bitch of a fetus would have had half her black hair ripped off her skull already

Lily grabbed Nicole's arm and gave her another pointed look.

I stood up and excused myself. "I'm going to check things out at the back," I said.

Lily nodded. "Go ahead. Al's already there." I could practically feel Nicole burning a hole through my head as I walked away and I had to fight the urge to turn back and give her a glare of my own.

I pushed past the door that led to the backyard and found Bellamy doing a ridiculous fist pump right beside a red electric grill while the rest clapped and cheered for him

Lexa waved for me join her and sit on some folding chairs just a few meters away from where the grill was. "Every single time," she said when I settled on the seat next to her. "It's like the grill knows it's Bellamy"

I followed the direction she was looking at and watched Bellamy who was now giving us an exaggerated bow, tipping off an imaginary hat to add a bit of flourish to the gesture.

I shook my head, fighting back the urge to smile. "He's an idiot." "Yeah, he is, but hey"-she nudged me with her elbow-"you like him." He caught my eye mid-bow, and when he grinned, it felt like my heart just did a somersault.

I looked down, keeping my eyes on the wooden floorboards of the porch, feeling a lump rise in my throat, and while I didn't say anything to affirm Bellamys statement, I didn't exactly deny it either "Here." I looked up to see Seth holding out a stick of barbecue for me.

I took it from him and eyed the can of soda he was holding in his other hand. "You're not drinking?" "Not yet," he replied. He sat on the chair next to mine. "I'd like to stay sober so I can still beat all your asses at Just Dance." I scowled. "Yeah, last time I played that, look how I ended up." My right eye was still throbbing with a dull ache. It wasn't as bad as earlier, but it felt as though the area around my eye was the size of a golf ball. "Sorry about Nicole," he said. "That's, uh, kind of my fault." I gave him an exaggerated pout. "Aww, don't feel bad, Belly-Bear." He looked at me in horror. "Belly-Bear," I cooed. "Don't you like it?" He shuddered and gave me a condescending look, playfully shoving me away from him. "Clary-Boo, you're not going to call me that, are you?" "I don't know, Belly-Bear. It think it has a nice ring to it." "It's kind of late for us to have nicknames for each other. We already 'broke up.'" "So, you're just going to forget my name like you did with Nicole?" His lips quirked into a small smile. "Nicole who?" I couldn't help but laugh. "Oh, you know, Nicole. My new BFF." "Is it bad that I'm kind of afraid to know what BFF stands for?" "It means Best Fucking Fuckabish," I told him. "Fuck... a... bish?"

He bit his lower lip, as if to keep himself from laughing. "Is that even a word?" "Oh, that's rich, coming from Mr. Fuckeroony." "How many times do I have to tell you, Ms. Fuckabish?" He grinned. "It's already too late for nicknames." Without thinking, I found myself saying, "Is it really?" A look of confusion crossed his face. "What?" I shook my head. "Nothing." "Is there a problem, clary-Boo?" He nudged my foot with his, but I refused to look at him. "Question game," I said.

I struggled to keep my face blank, putting up a mask so he wouldn't have to see right through me. His scrutinizing eyes remained on me, wary and calculating, and I was almost certain that I was busted. The seconds ticked by in silence and I waited, not daring to look away he finally let out a sigh and said, "Okay." We were down to five questions each, and I wasn't sure if he was going to answer it this time, but I had to ask him.

I just had to.

Before I could think twice about it, I took a deep breath and decided to just get it over with. "Do you still love Sarah?" His impassive expression didn't change. It was like he'd expected the question, and for a moment, he just looked at me. Then he brought his gaze back to the others, who were huddled around the grill. Justin was animatedly telling them a story, holding a stick of barbecue each in both hands.

Still, I had a feeling he wasn't looking at them at all. His eyes were distant, and I knew he was watching a memory he had of her play out in his head.

Was it their first date, or their first kiss, or simply just a random memory from a typical Saturday morning with her?

 

I didn't know.

I wasn't how much time had passed when he finally snapped back to reality. He turned to me, sliding his exhausted eyes to meet mine, and quietly, he said, "Can I use my pass?" My heart sank to my stomach. Biting my lower lip, I nodded and managed to say, "Sure." I swallowed and stood up, not quite able to look him in the eye. "I'll, uh, join the others for a while." I walked away without waiting for a reply, knowing full well that I wouldn't be able to keep myself together if I stayed there with him.   
He might not have said yes out loud, but using his pass was enough of an answer for me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhhhh He's still in Love with sarah isnt he???? And the story is almost over So Bellamy you better move your Ass Fast and get clarke before its too late Cause You know Ryder is There and On the other hand Bellamy is still Heartbroken sarah almost destroyed him its up to bellamy wether he wants to Move on from Sarah or Get stuck in being love with her Well what he can Do??????he's in Love after all


End file.
